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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Baby Shower Gift List

149 replies

StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/06/2022 20:53

[INSERT SUBJECT]

CF'ery or not?

OP posts:
Stravaig · 29/06/2022 16:16

Most likely I wouldn't go and would distance myself going forward. But if there was some reason I had to stay connected and observe grabby new customs, well ... I once inadvertently offended someone by giving them a children's book called If The World Were A Village. Perhaps something similar?

Mary46 · 29/06/2022 16:16

Very cheeky. Do you buy a gift after birth too?! My friend was at one said lunch was costly then a gift. I think they werent around in my time 2002.

pedropony76 · 29/06/2022 16:19

PurpleDaisies · 29/06/2022 15:37

Would people getting presents off a baby shower list expect more presents when the baby is born?

I didn’t, doesn’t make sense really. However people that have bought of the list sometimes do buy something again once they see you and baby for the first time. You may buy a big/expensive gift whilst someone’s pregnant but when you go and see them you just buy a pack of baby grows or a blanket etc.

No one should expect anything tho

mathanxiety · 30/06/2022 06:47

unless you are the baby's mother or father it is not your responsibility to buy anything for that child. Expecting others to buy your child stuff is just grabby. If you can't afford to buy the stuff don't have a child it really is that simple.

First class British ridiculousness there ^ sucking the joy and the generosity and the community spirit out of a truly lovely custom.

NewPapaGuinea · 30/06/2022 06:58

I’m in two minds. If you’re going to give a gift when the baby arrives anyway and this gift is in lieu of that then giving them something they need rather than yet another baby grow. However, costs need to be reasonable and in line what people would typically spend.

Penguinsaregreat · 30/06/2022 07:08

mathanxiety what exactly is ridiculous about saying parents are responsible for supporting their own child? Do you really think it is the 'community's' responsibility to buy your kid a pram/cot/car seat or any other expensive item? Really? No wonder we are going to hell in a basket. When I had my children I was greatful for any gift. Nappies, vests, babygrows, handed down stuff, knitted cardigans, blankets.
It really is grabby to tell someone you want an expensive gift and even more grabby to tell someone who can't afford it to just share with someone else so that you can have your matching baby accessories.

mathanxiety · 30/06/2022 07:59

...what exactly is ridiculous about saying parents are responsible for supporting their own child? Do you really think it is the 'community's' responsibility to buy your kid a pram/cot/car seat or any other expensive item? Really? No wonder we are going to hell in a basket.

This sounds like a parody of a grumpy old man who never got invited to birthday parties as a child, or the ghost of Ebenezer Scrooge (Dickens certainly knew his fellow countrymen) but on the offchance that you are sincere, you should know that people in other parts of the world do indeed feel that it takes a village to raise a child, and believe that parents can do with both the material and the moral support that an event like a baby shower offers.

Nobody feels it is someone else's responsibility to buy them anything, in your typical American baby shower scenario. The people attending feel it is their responsibility to set up the parents with what they will need. There is a subtle but important distinction there.

Typically, the baby shower is held by a friend or a relative of the mother to be, not the mother herself. Invitations are sent out, a link to a gift registry with items in a wide price range is included. This saves guests a huge amount of time and effort. Apparently the British prefer to pound the pavement and buy a pile of duplicate items, things the parents don't need or have no room for, and will have to spend time and effort returning to the shops they came from. There is no accounting for irrational waste of time and money.

I have had two baby showers thrown for me, one a surprise in the office where I worked before DD1 was born and the other thrown by exMIL and my SILs. I ended up with a buggy, a high chair, a toddler car seat, some lovely hand made crocheted blankets, several packets of bibs, a lot of cute stuffed animals, a mobile, some little board books, a collection of Beatrix Potter books, rattles, teethers, muslins, crib sheets, travel blankets, and a few packets of onesies in different sizes. DD1 is now 31 and the kindness of the lovely people who gave all of that to us remains with me. exH and I bought a baby car seat and a crib along with some newborn clothes and packets of diapers to get us started. SIL sent a box of hand me downs after DD was born too. Not being American and having no clue about a gift registry, I hadn't had one, but my colleagues consulted exMIL and figured out what they should get and what would be left for MIL's event. The concept of the baby shower is SO practical, so down to earth, so generous, and there is no mean spiritedness, dourness, or judgey suspicions of grabbiness.

I also had two wedding showers <shock, horror> one hosted by exMIL and one by a friend of hers. ExMIL led me into the china department of a very nice department store before the invitations went out, and told me to choose two china patterns, one for everyday and one for special occasions, which I did. I was also told to choose a crystal pattern, bath towel colour, kitchen utensils, a few cookbooks, small electrics, sheet sets, blankets, kitchen cloths, oven mitts, pyrex, carving board, bread board, steak knives, carving knives, serving dishes, and lots more, and everything was noted in the registry. exH and I received all of that and more - several lovely vases, table cloths, an ice cream maker, a big picnic basket, a case of nice wine...
Smaller items were given at the showers and china and crystal at the reception. I wrote so many thank you notes that my hand hurt.

What a grabby heathen I am.

mathanxiety · 30/06/2022 08:13

It really is grabby to tell someone you want an expensive gift and even more grabby to tell someone who can't afford it to just share with someone else so that you can have your matching baby accessories.

No, it's practical, and in the spirit of practicality, people do of course club together to get a more expensive item. A niece of mine and her fiance had a pricey barbeque grill on their list and three guests got together and bought it for them. What is wrong with this? Would it be better if the guests decided they would get one cheaper grill each? What would the happy couple do with three shoddy grills? Where would they put them? Would they all fit into their car to be schlepped to the FedEx dropoff point to be returned?

The shilly shallying around that is so characteristic of British communication is not a superior form of politeness. It doesn't make the desired effect happen - surely the outcome of gift giving is the genuine happiness of the recipient? An ad hoc approach to gift giving generates disappointment and creates unnecessary work for the people sending gifts back.

Worst case scenario the inability to communicate directly and respectfully ends up with neighbours lobbing cat poo over fences or killing each other over parking places.

Estieisafriendofmine · 30/06/2022 08:26

@mathanxiety yes pretty grabby. Find it quite funny to call it ‘the kindness’ of the people given your MIL and SIL explicitly told them to buy you things and deliver them to you on a date and time of their choosing... It’s not like they had much of a choice - decline and be seen as rude or go and give you stuff whether they want to/can afford to or not.

I’ve a baby due soon. My friends have text me well wishes for my due date and said they are excited to meet the baby and hope all goes well. That’s enough for me. I know our friends will pop round to visit with some nice outfits or books for the baby or just to see us as I’ve done when they had babies. Some will just come to visit - there is no obligation for gifts. That is very different to explicitly hosting a ‘give me presents’ gathering which is what a baby shower is.

DH and I purchased the things the baby needs ourselves - you know being the parents of the child.

Two wedding showers is also ridiculously grabby. We invited people to our wedding we wanted to share the day. No pre wedding give me stuff gathering needed - never mind two of them! I also wrote thank you notes till my hands hurt - to everyone to thank them for being there.

AWobABobBob · 30/06/2022 11:35

mathanxiety · 30/06/2022 08:13

It really is grabby to tell someone you want an expensive gift and even more grabby to tell someone who can't afford it to just share with someone else so that you can have your matching baby accessories.

No, it's practical, and in the spirit of practicality, people do of course club together to get a more expensive item. A niece of mine and her fiance had a pricey barbeque grill on their list and three guests got together and bought it for them. What is wrong with this? Would it be better if the guests decided they would get one cheaper grill each? What would the happy couple do with three shoddy grills? Where would they put them? Would they all fit into their car to be schlepped to the FedEx dropoff point to be returned?

The shilly shallying around that is so characteristic of British communication is not a superior form of politeness. It doesn't make the desired effect happen - surely the outcome of gift giving is the genuine happiness of the recipient? An ad hoc approach to gift giving generates disappointment and creates unnecessary work for the people sending gifts back.

Worst case scenario the inability to communicate directly and respectfully ends up with neighbours lobbing cat poo over fences or killing each other over parking places.

Surely the outcome of gift giving is the genuine happiness of the recipient?

Correct, on the basis that the gift giver has chosen a thoughtful present of their OWN choosing and budget. That's what made me appreciative when receiving baby gifts after the baby was born, all the different types of presents my friends chose on their own to give me. Some were body creams for me, some were practical gifts, some were handmade gifts for the baby - they were all chosen based on the buyers own experiences of being a mother and what THEY found helpful and kind to get. That's what made me genuinely happy.

mathanxiety · 01/07/2022 05:10

Find it quite funny to call it ‘the kindness’ of the people given your MIL and SIL explicitly told them to buy you things and deliver them to you on a date and time of their choosing... It’s not like they had much of a choice - decline and be seen as rude or go and give you stuff whether they want to/can afford to or not.

@Estieisafriendofmine
Is that what I said?

Or was it something completely different?

Perhaps something along the lines of:
Office colleagues wanted to throw a surprise shower and figured MIL would also be doing one. They got in touch with MIL (thanks to excellent sleuthing) and several heads were put together, resulting in no duplication of gifts and a very jolly time on a Friday afternoon in the office, with home made goodies for all and a good deal beer for all but me. A few weeks later there was a second shower, not a surprise this time (I wasn't sent into the equivalent of the records room to find a six year old file by MIL) and again a jolly time was had by all, with a little less beer the second time round.

How could you possibly have come to the utterly gobsmacking conclusion you came to?

I feel genuinely sad for you.

mathanxiety · 01/07/2022 05:55

That is very different to explicitly hosting a ‘give me presents’ gathering which is what a baby shower is.
You have it all wrong.
A proper baby shower is not at all grabby.
It is NEVER hosted by the mother to be herself. Somehow or other the British find a way to mangle pretty much every nice American custom that finds its way east across the pond.

DH and I purchased the things the baby needs ourselves - you know being the parents of the child.
No shit.
But can you try to imagine a culture that clearly has nothing in common with yours?
One where people - neighbours, friends, extended family - anticipate the needs of new parents and club together to help each other? What sort of society do you live in if this is so hard to wrap your head around?

Two wedding showers is also ridiculously grabby. We invited people to our wedding we wanted to share the day. No pre wedding give me stuff gathering needed - never mind two of them! I also wrote thank you notes till my hands hurt - to everyone to thank them for being there.
And yet again the really important part of the wedding shower has been missed - it is never hosted by the bride to be herself.

It is hosted by friends and/or family of the bride, and the aim is to help provide home comforts for the young couple embarking on marriage. Nice towels, a set of wine glasses, a table runner, a set of mugs... Some wedding showers feature themes as simple as 'Bring a treasured recipe'.

I had two wedding showers, neither of which were my idea. Other people arranged them, hosted them, provided me with the addresses of people who attended and gave a gift... And I thanked those people profusely for coming to a reception for a bride they didn't know at all.

How has it happened that so much that is essential to baby and wedding showers been completely lost, and the spirit behind them so completely misconstrued by the British?

Utterly baffling.

CoalCraft · 01/07/2022 06:07

Are large/expensive gifts expected? I'm going to a baby shower for the first time soon and planned to other a few bits probably totalling £25, now wondering if I'll look cheap!? It's just the stuff I would have got the baby/new mum after the birth anyway.

Fairyliz · 01/07/2022 07:43

I think baby showers are another twatty idea we have imported from America, tacky and grabby.
Hopefully we won’t follow the example of their abortion and gun laws.

Momicrone · 01/07/2022 07:45

Mathanxiety - baby showers have nothing to do with 'community spirit', they are private groups of people

Momicrone · 01/07/2022 07:51

This justification for gift lists because it saves the recipient time and money by not having to return unwanted gifts is complete nonsense. It's not the givers problem, they're lucky to get any gift, be grateful. I've never had a gift list, and never had to return anything

rosewater20 · 01/07/2022 08:47

I appreciate it when people make a gift list for weddings and baby showers because when I give a gift I want it to be something that I know the recipient will like and keep and it saves me time.

I also enjoy looking at the things people ask for because it gives me more insight into what they like and what their personal style is and thus makes future gift giving much easier.

I don't particularly like the idea of only expensive items on a list, and while that hasn't happened to me with any of the showers I have been invited to, if it did I would just give a gift voucher with a small token gift like a book or small toy.

Also, I think many of the registry sites will give a completion discount so it would make sense for the mother to be or bride to be to add expensive items to list that she plans to buy herself with the discount.

@mathanxiety I appreciate hearing about the American tradition and was interested to find out where it came from. Thank you for sharing.

rosewater20 · 01/07/2022 08:56

Momicrone · 01/07/2022 07:51

This justification for gift lists because it saves the recipient time and money by not having to return unwanted gifts is complete nonsense. It's not the givers problem, they're lucky to get any gift, be grateful. I've never had a gift list, and never had to return anything

I don't think it's nonsense at all, people do tend to give gifts for things like a wedding or new baby and since tastes and needs differ it just makes sense to give something that you know the person will enjoy and use. I don't want to waste my money on a baby gift that someone is just going to give to a charity shop because its something they already have, don't like or will never use. Completely pointless.

RoseAndRose · 01/07/2022 10:02

Finding out what someone might want/use is a separate thing completely to having a list though.

When its a small party of good friends there really should be no need for a list. Especially not for shower-type gifts.

It's different for big events such as larger weddings

DdraigGoch · 01/07/2022 12:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

rainbowmilk · 01/07/2022 13:20

Baby showers are awful and grabby AF. The only friends I know who've had them have also expected maternity leave gifts from work, and newborn gifts from work and friends as well. One ex-friend (clue in the name) posted on Facebook continuously telling us all who'd bought what item on her list and what items were left for the rest of us to buy as she reeeeeallllly neeeeeeded theeeeeem.

Hate it. It's just an excuse for people to act like princesses.

Onlyhuman123 · 01/07/2022 13:29

KyaClark · 28/06/2022 21:11

I recently organised a baby shower (I fucking hate them but it was for a close friend). The co-host ordered fucking bracelets to give out as favours. It's not a fucking wedding!

a 'co-host' too?!?! How big was this wedding baby shower for god sake?!

An OP, that's major CF-ry!! good grief!

Pantibliss · 01/07/2022 13:56

I think baby showers are silly but I can't get too worked up about other people having them. However, a gift list is very cheeky, especially one with expensive items. Don't think we got any presents for our baby other than a few baby gros and that's fine. We bought our buggy etc... ourselves. Just got an inexpensive one. People's expectations with brands and pricey baby stuff is ridiculous.

NewNamePrivacyneeded · 01/07/2022 15:40

Entitlement.

Greed.
American import.

I wouldn't bother going.

NewNamePrivacyneeded · 01/07/2022 15:43

I think I've read it all - co-hosts for baby showers - where the fuck do these women exist? Surely there are at the selfish, entitled, greedy, CF, end of the scale.

Is this following hen night now hen weekends in foreign locations.

Bridezilla with the wedding demands.

Baby showers with the greedy fuckers list.

Yuck surely most people aren't like this are they?