To consider taking my DD (end of year 9) out of her secondary school and putting her in an online school for years 10 and 11

[sundaydriver]

She has had issues with anxiety since year 7, exacerbated due to some friendship issues and bullying.

She's a bright girl and achieving ok academically but is so sick of the school environment. She doesn't fit in because she's quiet, kind, not rude. She gets picked on for loving Heartstopper (netflix LGBT show) because it's 'uncool' and worse slurs.

She sees a counsellor weekly for anxiety and it does help, but I've just had enough of her being in that toxic environment and she definitely has.

We can afford the fees for an online school. Has anyone gone this route? Would any of you? AIBU to consider it?

She could do scouting, do music in a school, and do a sport in a club with teenagers her age, she can also do charity work. I would suggest at minimum all four. As long as she has real life friends, and gets out of the house frequently for real life interactions she will be fine and strive academically. I know a couple of kids with strings of Phds attached to their name who were home-schooled. Others are business owners. They are everywhere and doing well. You could never tell. I would have lost my money on it if I had bet. She has time to find her tribe at uni. All the best op. It's work though. You will have to invest some time to make sure it's a good fit.

I know it works. But it's a commitment. I am not up for it. Except if it's a question of safeguarding, then I would have no options.

I wish we could have done this for both our sons, before their MH became so bad that they began refusing school. In both cases, things escalated in Y9/Y10.

Your daughter is achieving academically and engaged in her work, so online learning could be great. Like others said, a couple of years without that social pressure could be fantastic for your daughter, and she can re-engage with her peers at college or sixth form.

A key "benefit" of school beyond getting qualifications is to teach kids how to deal with petty rules.

To be fair, when I look back I can see the point of some rules but even from a middle aged viewpoint, some were utterly ridiculous (eg not being able to use the school hall as a shortcut even when nobody was using it) but they eg prepare you for the ridiculousness of some local council rules, or more particularly, car parking rules

I think she can cope with being out of mainstream school for two years. We are talking about her entire education here.

This is all a bit like the WFH debate "oh you never see anyone because you are stuck at home". No, you see more people because you have time to indulge your hobbies. There's no reason why the OP's dd can't do social activities and hobbies, she would just avoid nasty people in her school.

A woman I know where I live took this route. Be very careful - she signed her daughter up to an online school and it was horrendous and frighteningly expensive! They gave her no individualised support at all, and the parents ended up picking up a lot of the slack.
They've now 'moved' her and she's with a company who offer 'digital homeschooling' as a package - it's a much more rounded form of support, and the woman who leads it personally has a catch up call with the parents at least once a month if not more. They're a really good company and she's lucky to have found them when she did - god knows what would have happened had she stayed with the other company.
Do your research v v thoroughly!

I agree with riesenrad, you can actually mix with people you like and create opportunities to meet new friends with people with similar interests.
There are many home Ed groups on Facebook. Please also take time to look at the new ‘Schools Bill’

Youll make it worse
You are telling her to hide from the bullies and run away from problems.
This will only make for even bigger problems after the online school period is over!
Anxiety gets worse if you hide from it all. Trust me. It will only be harder for her to reintegrate back into normal life after this online school ends.

Also bullying can continue online. And sometimes even worse.
You think you would be protecting her from her bullies and anxiety. But you will make it harder for her in the long run.

Get her medication and therapy (psychiatric help. Not a counsellor) to help her fight anxiety.
Hiding from it will help in the short term. But in the long run you might be doing terminal damage.

You dont have to "fit in" in highschool. Most people dont. She is shy? Surely she is not the only one
She is kind? Surely not the only one. She is not rude? Uh.. well also: surely not the only one.

She needs tougher skin. Not a hiding place with mum. Even though it sounds like the most logical thing to do
I get you want to protect her. But shell have to face life sooner or later. I really hope you consider letting her stay.

Hmm, yes, but they don't need to waste 30 hours a week in an unsuitable environment in order to learn to deal with petty rules. Out of school in the wide world, there are plenty of opportunities to deal with or at least witness those very rules in action.

So my kids, not being at school, are actually in the car with me helping me try to identify a legal parking space or decipher the restrictions detailed on the sign in the council car park. With me looking over their shoulder, they read the terms and conditions on the gaming website to see whether they agree to it. My sensible mature 14yo was barred from a number of classes and activities intended for adults (choir, jewelry making, lane swimming at the pool) based purely on an age policy.

My just-turned-16yo has just discovered that the price of her bus travel has just DROPPED compared with when she was a child, which is weird. She now needs a DBS check to continue to attend an activity she has been going to for years, on the grounds that she is now a potential danger to her 15yo friends.

So yes, there are a lot of silly rules out in the world which they need to be prepared for. But that is the very world in which our kids live and spend their time, where they are ALREADY being exposed to those rules first-hand. We don't have to send them to a separate institution to teach them about silly rules!

Assuming she sees other people and is still able to socialise with friends etc, it sounds like this might be a great option for your DD. I don't think it would suit everyone and I'm sure there are cases where it would do more harm than good, but it does certainly sound like your DD would the ideal candidate for it.

This is absolutely terrible advice.

A friend of mine has moved her DD to online school due to anxiety and difficulty dealing with academic pressure- she was previously at a very academic independent school that insisted on 9 GCSEs and it was a really bad fit (although she was fine socially). The online school has been great and they've made big efforts to keep her in touch with her RL friends.

Have you discussed this with your daughter? What's her view? One thing you might consider is talking to her about this as an option for GCSEs only, and reconsidering if she goes on to A levels, at which point she might be feeling more able to attend and a sixth form college might be a better fit than school has been.

As PP have said, definitely give some thought to her social life and physical exercise- she won't only miss games lessons but also the incident exercise of walking between classrooms etc- I remember our head emailing us during lockdown to say that the average pupil at our school (big site) walks something like 5km a day just being at school, so kids at home needed similar.

I do feel I need to point out that by this stage in her life my DD has done a DECADE of school. She follows the petty rules, always has. She doesn't have an issue with the rules, she's never had a behaviour point in her life - you can see the issues in my OP.

Thank you, would you be able to PM me the names of both schools at all?

Thank you, that's helpful. DD very much wants to go. I'm about 60/40 in favour of it. Dh is probably 60/40 in favour of keeping her where she is, although he is very risk averse and his usual approach to issues is to do nothing and hope they go away.

So medicate and have psychotherapy and go back into a stressful environment every day over the next couple of years when there’s an alternative that could give her the opportunity to flourish. 🧐
Sometimes standing up to bullies works sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes cutting them from your life and finding your own friends outside of school is best.

You mentioned that you were off to work, do you work outside the home and would DD be left alone for long periods of time? That could be very isolating even if she currently craves to be alone.

Also I’d be very interested in the number of pupils enrolled, how much individual time she could expect to receive, how much additional homework there is and how individual needs are assessed and provided for. It could be fair to assume that many of the students will have had some difficulties in mainstream schools.

Good luck with whatever you decide and best wishes to your DD in her future.

I have a peripatetic job so a mix of out and home working. DH is f/t from home.

@Marvellousmadness I appreciate you posting but I do think your post lacks balance.

You mention you have issues with anxiety yourself, I think that's clear from the way you're catastrophising about my child and speaking in absolutes as if you can fortune tell the future.

She already has therapy and I've no intention of putting my 13 year old on medication just because a stranger on the internet told me to.

Pfft on the whole idea of just toughing it out with bullies. Yes, in some circumstances you do need to figure out how to ignore or manage difficult people in life. But guess what? As an adult you can choose to - leave a job where you are being bullied, a relationship where you are being treated badly - hell, even get away from family if they are abusive. Why can’t a teenager take that option?

Some people cannot and will not change and removing yourself from their influence so you can do something productive with your time and care for your mental health is exactly the right thing to do. You wouldn’t tell someone who was being bullied at work to just tough it out and that’s life, deal with it if the support has been sought and the bullies aren’t being dealt with.

Its especially hard to build resilience when your mental health has taken a consistent battering at the hands of nasty people. It’s even harder if you feel trapped and forced to be around them. Then you feel powerless. Ignoring doesn’t work, fighting back often means you get accused of being as bad or even the aggressor.

Removing yourself from the situation is a luxury many teens do not have because they are forced to go to school. How many posts are regularly on these or others forums saying childhood bullying decimated someone’s self-esteem?

OP your daughter sounds like she knows her mind and there is a good chance she can thrive and actually learn in a friendly rather than hostile environment if you go this route. I think you should try it.

Ffs, your cousin obviously has some issues.

Most kids were homeschooled during covid and weren't stunted nor had any issues going out.

Those are a lot of issues you are attributing solely to where she was schooled. I'm sure the cause of her issues is more nuanced than you are able to describe, but thank you for sharing this information nonetheless.

Vikinga Yeah she does. She has ASD and felt bullied at school. Removing her from school didn’t take away her fear that she could be bullied and it just morphed and grew if that makes sense. I did say she is a really extreme example of what can go wrong and I feel in her case her mum, inadvertently, colluded with her always letting her drop out of activities arguing that doing online school was enough.

Yes do it. My daughter has just finished GCSEs and we’ve realised that apart from Sciences which she hated, she could have virtually taught herself. The exam boards, particularly AQA have so much info online. You tube has videos on how to answer each question on each paper. She did just about last it to the end of year 11 but her attendance became something like 60%. It would have been better if she’d just missed year 11 at school entirely.