To consider taking my DD (end of year 9) out of her secondary school and putting her in an online school for years 10 and 11

[sundaydriver]

She has had issues with anxiety since year 7, exacerbated due to some friendship issues and bullying.

She's a bright girl and achieving ok academically but is so sick of the school environment. She doesn't fit in because she's quiet, kind, not rude. She gets picked on for loving Heartstopper (netflix LGBT show) because it's 'uncool' and worse slurs.

She sees a counsellor weekly for anxiety and it does help, but I've just had enough of her being in that toxic environment and she definitely has.

We can afford the fees for an online school. Has anyone gone this route? Would any of you? AIBU to consider it?

if you want her to become socially incapable and isolated crack on

"Socially incapable"?

Yes. Only the hallowed halls and corridors of SCHOOL can ensure that kids aren't isolated freaks, quivering in corners at the thought of socialising.

Don't be so dim.

I pulled my year 7 son from school after yet another physical attack on him while in class. School was useless. He did Interhigh for a number of years and is now happily off to college. He did struggle with some illness and motivation ( had to check he was doing the lessons properly!) and then covid hit so has not done any exams yet but will do next year. He is happy and more able now. There’s a lot more online schools in the past two years of course but I found them great with good qualified teachers. My son is very adult and hated the terrible behaviour in his school and with no other school available this online option suited him. He has friends through his favourite hobbies where like minds meet! School now actually seems archaic compared to online computer learning!

My children thrived while doing online school while we spent two years travelling around Australia in a caravan. The older two were in years 8-10 while we were travelling and were doing approximately 2-3hrs of school work a day. I remember at the time I was half concerned that they would be falling behind as it didn’t seem enough, however once we returned it actually transpired that they thrived and were quite ahead of where they ‘should be’. I’d do it again and recommend it to anyone.

As for the ignorant comment about how your daughter would become socially inept (the irony, that is likely the most socially inept comment on this thread!), that is so unlikely to happen.

I would definitely take my child out of an environment where she is being bullied. She can always go to 6th form as kids are more grown up .

My dd had pretty bad anxiety in middle/high school (we are in the USA). Her math in middle school was an online application with an in-classroom teacher. It was her first introduction to non-classroom learning and it was perfect. Then in high school, her 2nd year 2nd semester Spanish class was an online (not teacher led) class which turned out to be for her, way better than in-class Spanish. In both cases, the issue stemmed from her anxiety to speak in front of the class and her dyslexia/dyscalculia which made her work more slowly than the other students (despite being highly intellectually competent). In addition, DD had some undiagnosed medical issues in addition to the anxiety and depression. So by 10th grade (3rd year of high school) she started doing all her academic classes online at the local community college and her music and theater (performing arts school) in-person at the high school. It was the perfect combination. She took a variety of online classes at two different Community Colleges. Some of the classes were what is called synchronous (ie you had to attend class and it was a teacher lecturing on zoom), and some were asynchronous (classwork had weekly due dates, but could be done at any time within the due dates, and lectures could be watched at any time.). All the classes were designed to be online and generally of a very high caliber. DD liked both formats, but found that some subjects were better suited to one or the other.

Finally, DD's first year of university was during the pandemic and all her classes were online, but none of them were designed to be online and were forced online at the last minute and the professors were completely unprepared and unwilling to rethink years of teaching habits and generally that was an abysmal experience. She is now in her last year of University and has all in person classes and is loving that experience too.

Dd has grown into an independent, well-socialized young adult with plenty of well-adjusted adulting skills. I don't think she would have made it to University if I had forced her to stay in a traditional in-classroom setting.

All of this is to say, that there are lots of ways to approach education for the non-traditional child and online is a wonderful option. If you have the option to combine with in-person activities, it's even better. Most importantly it's essential to explore the different types of online teaching and make sure that the classes are designed to be online because otherwise it can be a miserable experience. And be open minded to mixing and matching online styles depending on the subject matter (and teacher).

But you v only want òpinions that agree with you?

I was your daughter, and whilst it would have solved my immediate problems to hide from challenging situations in the short term, it would have meant I never had the chance to learn coping strategies. You can't run away from every difficulty in life and sometimes you need to develop resilience, not find escape routes.

My DD13 has adhd and ASD. She's bright too but also struggled in the large class sizes in mainstream schools.

I'm a single parent but lucky job wise I could afford a private school. (It's not a really expensive one) It's not easy as we are up early for drop off and there is a coach that brings them back. But there is only 12 per class, all girls school so a much calmer environment in which she is thriving. She is also now boarding two nights a week which she loves, and she's getting her independence.

I know you said there isn't another school near, I just wanted to post to see if there is another alternative for her or whether private was an option at all.

My daughter was very similar and I wish I had. She "survived" school but only just and ended up self harming and anxious. I think the school environment is just not set up for quiet sensitive children. Lockdown was heaven for my DD. I do think social isolation is an issue though with homeschooling so you would need to make sure she wasn't lonely or spending all her time online on her own.

Do it. Please.

One of mine went through the whole mean girls thing at school in years 10-12, eg: literally the whole year of girls invited to a party but NOT her, girls lifting up their trays in the canteen and moving en masse to another table when she dared to sit even vaguely near them, moving away from her in class, eyerolling when teachers placed her in groups etc etc. She just stopped going in and we had the work sent out. (It was a private school btw, private's definitely not always the answer) The school were hugely defensive but when they realised the fees would still come in they rattled a bit then shut up, let us make up a patchwork of home learning and some school time in groups she felt safe in and she very very slowly started healing. She got all A at GCSE, Achieved 3 A at A, went to uni, got a first and has a huge social circle.

You don't have to be on your own to be isolated.

I did the same for my son, moved him to online schooling in the middle of yr9 so he did yr10 and 11 via homeschooling and achieved fantastic results. He is back in a bricks and mortar school now for yr12. Best thing we did for him, he was being bullied relentlessly

I know a teenager in Y9 who is doing online school, for health reasons, not social reasons. They love it and are doing well. Lots of activities and friends, no socialising issues at all.

I would move her, she can always maintain friendships with some people from her school but it is important that she not face these bullies everyday. It's soul destroying

But one day the social demands of school
will become
the social demands of work/ life in general. What will you do to address this as she will loose seeing the pastoral support weekly. Be careful as I had a mother as a recluse -never went out only when she really had to and my nephew has turned out the same.
my daughter is showing signs of anxiety and I do everything I can to try and address these issues so she doesn’t end up socially isolated.

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this.

I have a friend who put her son into online school for one academic year (Year 9) for financial reasons. We are abroad so no access to free schooling, and the international school fees are high. It was agreed as a one-year only thing so he would be back in for IGCSEs (he is now just finishing Y10).

He is a very sociable boy, into sports and drama, so I was a bit worried about him to be honest but he absolutely thrived. The online school was well-run, varied classes/activities, lots of independent learning to complement the live classes, and they were able to tailor his courses to almost exactly match what he would be stepping back into when he rejoined international school for Y10. I'm sure it wouldn't suit everyone, but this boy had coped well with online learning during lockdowns and is academic and confident enough to just get on with it.

I know your reasons are very different but I would say - it certainly can work. Of course you would want to be careful with social stuff, clubs etc so your daughter is developing in all areas, but I'm sure you've thought of this. You would also want to be mindful about the amount of screen time she is exposed to and the difficulties of monitoring if she is going down any internet rabbit holes (always a worry!)

Also - I teach Secondary and Heartstopper is v v cool among some groups at my school! The girls in my Y9 class are begging me to watch it!

Wow what an amazing experience for them!

Yes I’ve noticed that the comments from people who insist school is the only way to be socialised seem to be from the posters who lack social skills themselves 🤣

Ah that’s lovely to hear, thank you. I agree on online social media etc although she doesn’t currently tend to be bothered about this.

We absolutely love heartstopper on this house, sad that the kids in her school seem to think it’s some kind of badge of shame. She knows it’s a them problem but I wouldn’t want to spend my day surrounded by homophobes so I understand exactly where she’s coming from.

i really appreciate all the posts here, thank you, can’t reply now as off to work but definitely given me lots to think about.

Is it school, or is it the school he's in at the moment?

I do however have a friend who's done this with her son. He's now 18, got an apprenticeship and doing really well. Has friends outside of school and work, so socially really well too. Some people/kids just don't cope well at school

What an unhelpful and unkind thing to say.
School is not for everyone and there are many children who prefer learning on their own.
There is no benefit to her living in a state of anxiety and constant cortisol. She won't learn as well as she could. You might want to increase her out of school activities though.
Many children are homeschooled esp in the US where High school can be brutal and go on to do well at University and grad school.

I would. I home educated my son from age 8. I couldn't afford day to day on line school but he did courses via Oxford Open Learning - I recommend them, and really did well. He's in a mainstream college now and we have no regrets. I do not believe he'd be the well adjusted, responsible young man he is now if I hadn't done this.

Stop talking utter crap

Also OP, there are wide functioning Home Ed communities in most areas you could tap into - where your dd will find others of her age to socialise with. I always feel quite 🙄 at the doom and gloom mongerers on these threads. The assertions that socially they will suffer, that they won't be able to function in working life etc. I try to be patient as I know that mainstream school is the only accepted option for many and it can be hard to think outside that box. But seriously people have no idea just how many kids are not in school for various reasons - bullying, additional needs, just doesn't work for them. There's a huge home ed community out there with multiple providers and support to whichever route you want to go. Some are very structured, others not so much but there really is something for everyone.

Without being rude, I sometimes wonder just how great mainstream school can be as a whole when it has seemingly produced so many rigid and frightened of anything "different" people such as those who post on these threads.

If you feel your dd is being actively damaged at school then yes I would. With heavy supervision and a structured approach. Ensuring she has plenty of time with other teenagers.

the school system can be brutal, and a loving and caring does not stand idly by as their child starts to sink. I would want a plan B option just in case, but yes I would do it in a heartbeat.

hi Sundaydriver
I’m so interested to read this as had no idea this was even an option. I had a horrid time in school and would have loved this. My dd is nearing secondary age and I am a little worried she may experience the same, which I’d never want for her. It eases my mind to know there’s another option if need be. As a child I’d have loved for my parents to be able to get me out of that situation. Bullying affects a person for life. Do it. 😊and thank you