To consider taking my DD (end of year 9) out of her secondary school and putting her in an online school for years 10 and 11

[sundaydriver]

She has had issues with anxiety since year 7, exacerbated due to some friendship issues and bullying.

She's a bright girl and achieving ok academically but is so sick of the school environment. She doesn't fit in because she's quiet, kind, not rude. She gets picked on for loving Heartstopper (netflix LGBT show) because it's 'uncool' and worse slurs.

She sees a counsellor weekly for anxiety and it does help, but I've just had enough of her being in that toxic environment and she definitely has.

We can afford the fees for an online school. Has anyone gone this route? Would any of you? AIBU to consider it?

Ha ha. That's my exact experience of schools especially if your child is not disruptive but needs a different approach.

Really? Or perhaps she will benefit from being bullied and isolated. I'm sure it does wonders for esteem.

Yes, it's live lessons.

I think I could have made this clearer in earlier posts, or explained more about my own background.

When I was teaching in FE we moved to zoom in lockdowns and kept to the same lesson plans, just adapted how we taught. Used raised hands function on zoom so I could take an answer questions, also chat box. Breakout rooms were amazing and learners said that these were better than classroom for doing groupwork.

I taught an adult HE level course so obviously different from teaching teens. But the live lessons offered by this school are the same as how I taught during lockdown - literally a lesson that would have happened in person but online.

I get that with science there will be limitations, but core subjects I don't see an issue being taught this way.

Whatever you choose, as long as she wants it, and you're happy to oversee curriculum quality, supplement if needed, and pick up any slack from any angle required, it's unlikely to be worse and highly likely to be considerably better.

But I also know the huge cost to her cognitive functions that being in fight or flight takes. It's a balancing act.

We were balancing all that before withdrawing from the school system. Ds (ASD) was considered socially incapable and isolated by school, and came out broken with minimum education and far behind his peer group. He (and I) wanted to change it.

He developed proper friendships through home ed, swathe of good exams, went on to university and now works across a group of schools! Neither his employer nor colleagues, or the kids, would consider him even slightly 'socially incapable or isolated.'

This is so inspiring, thank you! and well done to your DS.

I know my 14 year old dd would love this (she has suspected ADHD and is really struggling in a very inadequate school), it would change her life but sadly we can not afford such a thing. Op, if you can afford the fees and, like my dd, secondary school just isn’t working for her then go for it. As long as she is getting a good education and still able to meet up with friends (there are many FB groups for home Ed where she could make more friends) then it’s a great idea imo. School (especially secondary) is not for everyone, we are not one size fits all robots and it’s a bloody horrible time for many (including myself and at 49 I still have bad memories about those years).

If you can find a school registered for the exam board that will oversee and verify the practical element, you can (or could at least) do three separate sciences. It was tbh an absolute nightmare in arranging it at the time, but we did it.

Well this response clearly comes from a place of ignorance!

OP I tutor teenagers, some, like your dd, who struggle with school. They're doing exceptionally well with home tutoring/online school and are much happier and mentally healthier. I definitely think it is important for them to have plenty going on in their life though - friends, pets, outings, clubs or Saturday jobs etc.

Hi Op, we have done just that. If I could choose, I would have a happy child attending school, but that wasn’t the case and we were left with very little option but to remove our child.
Online school plus in person tutors work really well. As for the social side, it takes more effort and time but can be done. There are lots of FB HE groups to connect with other parents.
Search on FB and you will find help and advise from experienced HE parents.
It’s harder than having your child at school but not as hard as having a very unhappy child at school. Good luck.

I feel your dd needs to learn how to cope with social situations, not hideaway from them

Learning to cope with being bullied!? What?

My eldest son has just done an online iGCSE to fill in a gap he had in his learning. He was 19/20 at the time. He said he would have preferred a face to face, classroom environment as the online environment felt very impersonal.

I've known school age children do OK online and ho on to further education, but I've also known one who went on to attempt college but found the required social interaction too much and dropped out. The college kids were simply too mature for her as she hadn't had the interactions with peers that might have encouraged maturity. She still struggles now.

But at the end if the day, you just have to do what's best for your child at this time.

This is just my own small experience. A good friend is doing this with her daughter (year 8) and she says it has been the best thing they did. She has plenty of friends and interests, and when you talk to her she seems like a regular teenager (whatever one of those is!). She is always happy to talk to me.
School is a unique environment and for an anxious teenager, where a good alternative exists I would absolutely take it. Her 2 siblings are at the same school. The parents are supporting the specific needs of her daughter and she will flourish I'm sure.

I have DD and DS, twins and both diagnosed as autistic. Age 12. DS was in special school and DD was failing quietly in mainstream. Long story.

COVID showed me just how well they could do away from the school environment - even though they were at a lovely school. They're like different children without the stress of trying to navigate and manage a full day of school, with all the difficulties of processing, sensory input etc.

My only regret is that it took COVID for me to realise how beneficial home education would be for them. Best thing we ever did - and absolutely not isolated socially! They have proper friends now rather than being forced to mingle with kids who could be pretty horrible at times.

We don't use an online school at the moment but I have friends with SEN children who do, and it works really well for them.

I know you have had some parents say it was really good for their child but it backfired pretty badly for my cousin who is all but a ‘shut in’ at 23. It may have been the programme she was with (things likely have moved on as it was a few years back) or the fact that her dance class wasn’t enough social interaction but she is undoubtedly stunted for it. She is pretty smart but when you talk to her she comes across very immature and she won’t so much as go into town without one of her parents with her. We’re all a little at our wits end about how to help her progress as nothing seems to be working. So by all means try it but I would definitely try to keep options open and to really focus on ensuring she has a lot of social interaction with her peers and try to make it really varied so not just her hobby but random groups and short classes too.

I think they were hoping for informed opinions, not just insulting stereotypes.

I’ve heard really good things about the iGCSE.

I think that you should go for it. If my children were to be bullied and the school didn’t/couldn’t act upon it and there weren’t any suitable alternatives, then I wouldn’t hesitate to pull them out.

I’d make it a requirement though that she proves to you that she is dedicated and motivated and also, be clear that you will assess the situation annually.

I am interested in your response but do you think you could try it again without the disablist language 'a shut in' 'stunted' etc? I don't want to enable that kind of regressive talk, thanks.

That can work really well for some anxiety triggers, but it seems highly unlikely that the cure for bullying-induced anxiety is more bullying...

My previously depressed and anxious daughter is now doing her GCSEs through an online school. It has been immensely beneficial for her and she is very happy and independent.

She belongs to a nurturing little theatre group, which does her nicely for the in-person social stuff, and she has a couple of close friends nearby.

Some kids flourish by doing things this way, others flounder. Much like school, really.

Do it. I hated school. I’m not overly social, and it was so stressful because of all the people. You’re stuck in the same peer group for donkey’s years and can’t vary friends abd are picked in for preferring a good book or leave and quiet, and so much depends on having a partner for this or a group to accept you for that. I just wanted to take the textbook and get on with it. I’d have been so much happier with online ed. there’s tons of groups for home edders/alternative edders and plenty of afterschool stuff these days if she feels the need.

100% I'd do it. It will be such a weight off her mind to be away from the bullies.

My dd learned so much more during lockdown than when at school. In class she was anxious and closed down, often very quiet. This was because she felt so judged by her peers despite being very sociable in the playground and having a lot of friends, plus the English teacher took a dislike to her. Having left the sprawling state comprehensive she is now thriving at a smallish private school.

In your place, I would absolutely go for the hybrid school. It sounds a good fit for your dd. Bullying can also happen at private school so even if a place became a available at the independent you’d actually have to consider if it was the right place for your dd. We visited the local private schools here. The one, your dd would perhaps fit best would be the very nurturing, small school, which dd liked but felt was too small and not right for her.

I suggest you also get in touch with local home educators to see what's available in your area. Most of the home ed teens I know do a mixture of various types of learning, for example self-study, one-to-one tutors in person or online, online classes, tutor-led study groups, or 14-16 classes at local college. Mix and match.

Though I know a few kids who enjoy doing all of their classes online with a single provider, many find that restrictive. It's expensive, you can't pick and choose to find the best tutor/approach for each subject, you're tied to their timetable so you can't do whatever activities and days out you might like, you can only choose the subjects they offer, you can't accelerate or slow down according to whether your child finds a particular subject easy or difficult.

To someone just coming out of a traditional school, perhaps none of that seems objectionable because it's what you're already used to, but home education can offer far more freedom than that.

If your daughter is miserable at this moment, there's nothing to be gained by seeing out the rest of the year. You could take her out of school immediately, and let her spend some time relaxing, or doing project work, or getting out to home ed groups to see what's out there and chat with other families who have teens about how they approach education.

Many home ed groups do go quiet over the summer, but you've got a few weeks left to get stuck in before that happens.