Please give it to me straight

[toddlerdrama]

I'm wondering if you think a two and a half year old should listen when being told NOT to do something ?

Do/did yours stop doing whatever they're doing when told to stop ?

Would they listen and stop some of the time ? But other times not ?

I keep having this argument with my mum, who tells me my DD is extremely badly behaved. I've asked questions around this on here before, under different names and I pretty much always get the response that it's normal.

I'll give you the latest example.. yesterday while talking to my mum on speaker phone, whilst also changing my newborn, my DD walked in and tried to push over the little trolley containing all his carefully folded clothes. I told her to come over to look at something, she ignored me and kept trying to push the trolley over. I then started saying STOP, don't do that, don't push the trolley etc. she kept ignoring me and kept trying. I then started raising my voice, at which point she eventually threw something at me in defiance, but did eventually stop.

All the while my mum was on the phone and absolutely shocked that DD didn't listen. She was like, I can't believe she doesn't listen to you at all. It's incredible, she's so naughty, this child OMG Blabla bla bla.

Please give it to me straight. Is my mum right ? Is she so badly behaved ? What can I do differently? We are due to see my mum for a few weeks now and I'm worried she will keep telling me how terrible my child is. I know she's not easy, but I kind of thought it's normal for her age. She's at nursery, where apparently they don't have any concerns, generally speaking.

Should I be disciplining another way ? I generally try to distract and explain and then I end up shouting sometimes. If she's upset because she can't do something I'm always there to comfort her. My mum says we should just leave her. In fact, she told me put her in the bathroom yesterday and close the door as a punishment. I am absolutely shocked and would never do that.

While writing this, I realise that the fact she wanted me to put her in the bathroom, kind of discredits any opinions she has...

Honestly my youngest is 12 now and I can't remember. I have 4 kids and can't remember whether they would have listened or not.

You do you and raise your child as you see fit. Talk to friends with similar aged kids to get perspective and not to those of us whose kids are a lot older that we're likely forgotten!

They push boundaries. It’s totally normal.

I so glad you didn't listen to your mum saying put DD in the bathroom!!

She is only 2.5 !
She is not badly behaved. My DD was exactly the same ...not listening at times. I felt she listened better when I spoke quietly and got down to her eye level.
Distraction...is also a good way to move their attention onto something else.

The next time you have your hands full with a newborn and your mum rings....tell her you will call her back!!

Toddlers and newborns are a very hard mix. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your response.

I think the ones with kids similar age are more in the distract / give choices / bribe camp. Rather than hard discipline. But I've not spent time in person with other toddlers, so I just don't know at all what they're really like and what happens when they are ' naughty ' . But I don't think they'd ever lock them in the bathroom !

Completely normal, in my experience. She did stop in the end, that's positive. Sometimes they're just on one.

My mum always says my son is nothing like I was. She did once let slip 'I wouldn't let him be' but whatever, she was a SAHM in a much bigger house with her mum living nearby. I work full time, he picks stuff up at nursery that I wouldn't have as I didn't go to any kind of childcare/school until I was 5, and by all accounts I was a very quiet child. My son is not!

I really like Little Big Feelings for transcripts of ways to talk to children. But you are in no way being unseasonable. 2.5 year olds are hard work, especially with a baby as well.

The problem was that you were trying to do a job while also talking to your mother and your little one came in and wanted your attention. You were giving your attention to the baby and to your mother. Your toddler did what it took to get your attention.

In that same situation if you hadn't been on the phone and you'd included your toddler in the nappy changing, putting her in charge of fetching the nappy, unfolding it and so on then don't you think her temper would've been avoided? Or do you find your toddler behaves just as badly when she's on her own in the room with you and has your full attention?

I've read that, according to psychologists, when you say something beginning with 'don't' it's not heard. So 'don't push that over' is heard as 'push that over'. Not sure it would work, and, it's a pain to have to rephrase things when the first instinct is to say 'don't....'.
L'aube worth a try

That sounds very much like DS, who is the same age.

My first born was never like that. Every child is different.

I have 2.5 year old some times they listen sometimes they don’t. However they would never throw something at me in defiance (or they have only done it once)

I would say it’s sounds more on the naughty side but in a normal range. Only thing I would do differently is add in a consequence. Ask them once, if they don’t listen repeat and say if you don’t listen x will happen. And 100% if they throw something they should have had a consequence.

She does it a lot. When she can't have what she wants, she'll throw something at me.

I have a 2.5, it totally depends on his mood. Sometimes he listens and sometimes he doesn't. They're so little they're still learning! Even my 7 year old doesn't always listen

Yes as newtb says it helps to tell them what you want them to do.

E.g. 'take the cart over there please' not 'stop hitting me with the cart'

I think 2.5 is about the age you can start to expect following instructions. Dd was 2 in February. I have twice now taken a toy off her for 5 minutes when she repeatedly refused to do something. She definitely understands this!

Mine throws things when he doesn't get attention, not when he doesn't get his way. I always stop and tell him no that's wrong, hopefully he will grow out of it soon.

My advice is to go with your instincts. I took my mother's advice about the naughty step and my little one was inconsolable. I feel terrible about it. It works well now but she was too young.

Oh yeah my DD understands perfectly well too. She just doesn't want to do as told.

I'll give you the latest example.. yesterday while talking to my mum on speaker phone, whilst also changing my newborn, my DD walked in and tried to push over the little trolley containing all his carefully folded clothes. I told her to come over to look at something, she ignored me and kept trying to push the trolley over. I then started saying STOP, don't do that, don't push the trolley etc. she kept ignoring me and kept trying. I then started raising my voice, at which point she eventually threw something at me in defiance, but did eventually stop.

Where did she come in from?

She just followed you into a room and you were talking to your mother and changing your baby so she is bound to try and get your attention in some way. Why didn't you say 'come talk to granny on the phone' and include her instead?

My eldest is 20 and still has bouts of selective hearing!

All kids are different but mine didn't play up to the extent they'd blank my repeated commands to stop doing something. To me that's being totally defiant, and throwing something at you! It wouldn't be harsh to put her in another room (albeit I'd make it her bedroom, not a locked bathroom!) - you've said yourself, she understands, she's choosing to ignore. I agree with your mum, you need to be firmer.

I had said, let's go and change babies nappy, come and help mummy... she didn't come immediately, but followed me a couple of minutes later. It's just across the hall from the living room.

Agree with this.

She sounds defiant and reactive to being told no.

Throwing objects at people is the extreme end of normal behaviour. And that's targeted and deliberate.

I don't think either of you is wrong but I can see why your mum would be concerned about her behaviour.

@itsgettingweird she also hits sometimes when being told no !

My ds would have when he was that age. But I would usually go right up to him to reinforce this. Your dd wanted your attention. I would have probably called your dm back when you were done, but gone over to your dd and firmly told her no. She is little but still capable of understanding no.

I would use No, firmly rather than don't ....

I wasn't even talking to my mum at that point and just left her on speaker, but my newborn was naked on the table, so I could not go to her. That happens sometimes.

When she can't have what she wants, she'll throw something at me.

This needs nipping in the bud. Firmly. (But I wouldn’t put her in the bathroom - that’s just going to give her issues with the bathroom, which you really don’t want.)