Please give it to me straight

[toddlerdrama]

I'm wondering if you think a two and a half year old should listen when being told NOT to do something ?

Do/did yours stop doing whatever they're doing when told to stop ?

Would they listen and stop some of the time ? But other times not ?

I keep having this argument with my mum, who tells me my DD is extremely badly behaved. I've asked questions around this on here before, under different names and I pretty much always get the response that it's normal.

I'll give you the latest example.. yesterday while talking to my mum on speaker phone, whilst also changing my newborn, my DD walked in and tried to push over the little trolley containing all his carefully folded clothes. I told her to come over to look at something, she ignored me and kept trying to push the trolley over. I then started saying STOP, don't do that, don't push the trolley etc. she kept ignoring me and kept trying. I then started raising my voice, at which point she eventually threw something at me in defiance, but did eventually stop.

All the while my mum was on the phone and absolutely shocked that DD didn't listen. She was like, I can't believe she doesn't listen to you at all. It's incredible, she's so naughty, this child OMG Blabla bla bla.

Please give it to me straight. Is my mum right ? Is she so badly behaved ? What can I do differently? We are due to see my mum for a few weeks now and I'm worried she will keep telling me how terrible my child is. I know she's not easy, but I kind of thought it's normal for her age. She's at nursery, where apparently they don't have any concerns, generally speaking.

Should I be disciplining another way ? I generally try to distract and explain and then I end up shouting sometimes. If she's upset because she can't do something I'm always there to comfort her. My mum says we should just leave her. In fact, she told me put her in the bathroom yesterday and close the door as a punishment. I am absolutely shocked and would never do that.

While writing this, I realise that the fact she wanted me to put her in the bathroom, kind of discredits any opinions she has...

She doesn't sound like a bad child, she is just attention seeking and pushing the boundaries. Not listening, and throwing things at you are not ok and deserve consequences. Warning and then a time out. And no, I wouldn't be locking her in a bathroom - sat on the naughty step sounds more appropriate.

I think it's important to set safe boundaries from a young age, don't shout at her and lock her in a room but maybe overly reward good behaviour, have a reward chart, little chores for her to do, when she misbehaves move her from whatever she's doing wrong and ignore her if she reacts.

I read 'One, Two, Three Magic' when DD was a toddler. It's about giving children warnings when you want them to stop doing something and then age-appropriate consequences if they don't. I put the consequences into action with my daughter twice, I think, and never had to do it again because she then knew there would be consequences. We used it very sparingly, so she always knew that when she got the 'If you don't stop X by the time I count to 3..." that the consequences would follow if she didn't stop.

She's clearly reactive. And probably is reaching to having a sibling.

Lots of children have strong emotions and need firmer boundaries.

I agree with the other posters that a firm "no" is required.

I wouldn't be locking her in a bathroom etc.

Your DD is normal. So are you. Your mother has forgotten, though parents were stricter then so she might have put you in another room.

But for the future - it's hard for toddlers to understand what not to do, as the image you reinforce in their brains is the thing you don't want.

Better to say: 'push your trolley gently in the hall please' than 'don't push your trolley' or 'put your things in your trolley now' not 'don't throw things out of your trolley.' Doesn't always work but can do.

Very important when teaching them road sense. Always say 'stop at the kerb/corner' and never say 'don't run into the road.'

At that age they still require your focused attention as much of the time as possible.

it's really difficult to do three things at once, and when youbare doing two other things and she is the third and not getting the attention is probably when she most likely plays up.

In that particular scenario don't try and call your mum with both children awake
Honestly, that way you aren't distracted.

And toddlers really struggle to process and understand don't in relation to an action. Instead tell her what you want her to do.

In that particular situation, say pass me a muslin.or something. A positive action for her to do

Eg qt school they say walk in the corridor, rather than don't run.

I had a tone of voice that was used in these circumstances that my DD knew mum wasn't mucking about. Sometimes you need your kid to stop right now, like before they run into the road

Sounds completely normal behaviour for a 2.5yr old to me, there is a reason we call it the terrible 2s. It won't last forever.

Your mother's suggestion to put her in the bathroom and close the door, is not normal and a recipe for disaster. Please don't do that.

My nearly 2.5 frequently won't react to "don't ", unless said very sharply in a situation of danger. I'd generally have to distract, redirect, say something to do (rather than a no). I don't think she is especially naughty, just 2. She probably wouldn't throw or hit. Has done very occasionally. But I don't think they have much impulse control and are often testing boundaries. When she's in a more impulsive mood I have to quite actively engage in what's she's doing. I think she'd struggle if I was on the phone and changing a nappy in those circumstances.

I don't see how a two year old has the reasoning skills to be naughty. That's not to say they don't need limits, though.

My younger son, who's now an adult, never really responded to being told, either. He just wouldn't sit on the naughty step. Even now he's older, I get far more out of him by negotiating than telling. I'm not soft with him at all (he's still a teen btw, not 35!) but I discuss with him what's reasonable and come to an agreement.

If he was two now, I think I'd try and either talk to him about it (briefly, not as nauseum) or distract him. First name her feelings, Lucy, you seem angry/upset/like you want mum's attention? How would it be if we did what you want in a minute but I've got to just change the nappy first and you can help. Explain how it feels when she throws something at you and why it's not kind.

Then sometimes give choices, do you want to put your shoes on now and go to the park, or not put them on but we won't be able to go? Or make a game of it, let's see who can get their shoes on first, you or the baby?

I guess anything but get into a battle with her. Your mum is wrong and out of date!

One piece of advice that I had from a child expert from a family support network, was that children don't listen until they hear their name, so if you say "Please don't push that trolley over Susan" they don't hear what you are saying.

She said give demands in a sharp voice (not shouting just authoritative), not requests, so if you speak sharply "Susan! Don't push the trolley over" then they are more likely to hear what you are saying and to do what you ask.

My just 2yo DS sounds similar. He's well behaved at nursery but can at times not listen or act up. I give consequences but definitely wouldn't put in the bathroom.

You've also got a newborn. DS acted up when DD was born for a few months, it takes time to settle in with a new sibling!

I wouldn't label a toddler naughty at all but I think your DD hitting and throwing tots etc needs nipped in the bud or it will continue. My youngest who is nearly 3 went through a phase of hitting and throwing toys. I started telling him if you throw that toy mummy will take it away in a firm voice. If it got thrown I removed the toy for about an hour afterwards. When he was hitting I told him firmly " no don't hit that hurts" then would move away from him for a little bit of time I got his elder siblings to do the same. He stopped hitting and throwing things quite quickly. You just need to reinforce gentle but firm boundaries. Though given you have just had a baby maybe try make sure you give your DD some one to one time. I know it's hard. I have 3 kids one with additional support needs but just a few minute of one to one time and affection doing things like cuddling, playing together a few times a day make a massive difference. Your DD might be acting out a bit as it's all new having a baby to share mummy with.

My 2.5yr old doesn’t throw or hit on a regular basis but he does absolutely ignore me if he’s hell bent on doing something and I tell him not to. I that’s perfectly normal.

My 2.5 year old is EXACTLY like this and none of the above-mentioned tips have done anything to change his behaviour!

Often he is defiant even when he's getting plenty of attention and I'm sitting playing with him.

We firmly say no, we explain consequences, we follow through, we use language like "leave the cart" instead of "don't...".

I think those who say it's not normal probably just have DC with different personalities! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think those who say it's not normal probably just have DC with different personalities! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think there's probably a lot of truth in this.

One more thing that helped with my more spirited son was masses of exercise. When he'd run around a lot he was a lot calmer.

Totally normal. DS is almost 3 and a total toad some days. It's a 50/50 chance now he'll listen and do what he is told for me and DH but he's a total different child for his grandparents and at nursery, does as he's told evert single time.
It's boundaries.

Totally normal, attention seeking

My DD is 3 and this seems very normal from my experience with DD and my nieces and nephews… can your mum honestly remember what’s ‘normal’ Behaviour for a 2 year old…? Her suggestion to lock your DD in the bathroom would make me take any of her child rearing opinions and ideas with a pinch of salt to put it politely 😂

I see toddlers as roughly the same as cats.

Try distractedly telling a cat 'Don't do that please, darling' when there's an unattended open butter dish on the countertop or they think you're not giving them the fusses they deserve and see how far you get.

The only 'Don't' sentence that worked on cats, dogs and children was a low growled 'Don't make me get up' when I could hear something going on just out of my line of sight. But that was because my voice meant they had been noticed, rather than they already knew I was aware and not responding to them. And after a brief pause in rustling/etc, if I did nothing, it would start again, so I'd have to get up anyway to remove them/put the butter lid on/distract them with something else/give them The Look.

OP, all toddlers can be like that.

The two problems with the episode you recount are to do with you and your mum.

1. You should have told your mum you would speak to her later, rather than 'on speaker' while changing the baby and trying to deal with your toddler. You weren't able to dedicate your attention to anything at all because you were trying to spread yourself too thinly. Toddler started playing up as a result.
2. Your mum, if she had an ounce of sense or understanding, should have said "you're obviously busy - let's speak when the children are in bed". Or some such. Instead, she carried on trying to talk to you when you clearly needed her to shut up.

Next time, either don't answer the phone to her if you're doing something else, or tell her you will call her back when you're not dealing with your children. Toddlers are guaranteed to be a PITA if your attention is elsewhere.

No, at that age they are pushing boundaries and you are doing your best. I find my LO would act like that when she wanted attention and I was distracted. You can’t win sometimes at that age. Big little feelings on Instagram is great for toddler behaviour. Your mom needs to be perhaps read up on toddler behaviour to help her not being so judgmental.

She is a toddler, with a new baby sibling. Always a tough time. My otherwise well behaved dd at that age deliberately put something of mine in the loo..
it is called the terrible twos for a reason. I think your Mum has just forgotten what toddlers can be like.

I have 2 DCs - one is 2y 10m and one is 10m. My toddler sounds exactly like your toddler. He hits, kicks and throws things if he doesn't get his way or isn't getting enough attention.

This behaviour came on very suddenly a couple of months ago. I've always included him in what we're doing, but for whatever reason he's now decided he's not interested in being compliant if he has to share attention. He's having real trouble regulating his emotions, he's also recently started with nightmares and complaining of a monster under his bed.

I've been very consistent with time outs, hold his hands so he can't hit, confiscating toys (after explaining if he does it again then the toy will be taken away), talking to him about his feelings and giving him alternative options (eg. "You were angry because 'x'. If you're angry you can ask for a big hug or tell me you're angry, but we don't ever hit"). But I've resigned myself to this being a phase that we just need to work through.

When he has my full attention he's pretty much perfect. I can confidently take him anywhere out and about and he's an angel. Super helpful, very few tantrums. Soon as his sibling is around and he doesn't have me to himself it's another story entirely, he requires constant stimulation.
Anyway OP - I think I can empathise. And honestly I actually have resorted to putting him in his bedroom for a timeout occasionally as I only have one pair of hands and sometimes I need to safeguard/sort the baby whilst keeping my toddler safe too. It's not ideal and they really are only little at 2.5y old but combined with trying to help them understand their feelings and have smaller more 'natural' consequences (like losing a toy if you throw it at someone) I'm hoping he'll grow out of it sooner rather than later.