Please give it to me straight

[toddlerdrama]

I'm wondering if you think a two and a half year old should listen when being told NOT to do something ?

Do/did yours stop doing whatever they're doing when told to stop ?

Would they listen and stop some of the time ? But other times not ?

I keep having this argument with my mum, who tells me my DD is extremely badly behaved. I've asked questions around this on here before, under different names and I pretty much always get the response that it's normal.

I'll give you the latest example.. yesterday while talking to my mum on speaker phone, whilst also changing my newborn, my DD walked in and tried to push over the little trolley containing all his carefully folded clothes. I told her to come over to look at something, she ignored me and kept trying to push the trolley over. I then started saying STOP, don't do that, don't push the trolley etc. she kept ignoring me and kept trying. I then started raising my voice, at which point she eventually threw something at me in defiance, but did eventually stop.

All the while my mum was on the phone and absolutely shocked that DD didn't listen. She was like, I can't believe she doesn't listen to you at all. It's incredible, she's so naughty, this child OMG Blabla bla bla.

Please give it to me straight. Is my mum right ? Is she so badly behaved ? What can I do differently? We are due to see my mum for a few weeks now and I'm worried she will keep telling me how terrible my child is. I know she's not easy, but I kind of thought it's normal for her age. She's at nursery, where apparently they don't have any concerns, generally speaking.

Should I be disciplining another way ? I generally try to distract and explain and then I end up shouting sometimes. If she's upset because she can't do something I'm always there to comfort her. My mum says we should just leave her. In fact, she told me put her in the bathroom yesterday and close the door as a punishment. I am absolutely shocked and would never do that.

While writing this, I realise that the fact she wanted me to put her in the bathroom, kind of discredits any opinions she has...

My views echo HollowTalk’s. I’m a mum, with the same age gap between children as you, and a grandmother of two, the younger of whom is the same age as your toddler.
I don’t find her naughty, just insistent to gain your attention. Negative behaviour can often be averted with distraction, as advised above, or - something I learned at the stage you’re at - a reassuring, lingering hug.

I’ve always changed babies on a changing mat on the floor, so I’d prioritise in the situation you found yourself in: check the baby is okay (on the floor so can’t fall anywhere and presumably not yet at rolling stage) and tell mum I’d phone her back. Then I’d look the toddler directly in the eye and quite slowly and very quietly whisper to her to make her concentrate on what you want her to do. Hope this works for you.
You were trying to do three tasks simultaneously, knowing your mum would express disapproval. As a GM I keep my thoughts to myself… 😉
When you stay with your mum, give her the baby and enjoy the extra time with your toddler.

For a 2.5 year old? Wow that's so harsh and inappropriate. They really don't get long term consequences at that age. Maybe have a read up on child development stages before suggesting things like this.

We do a gentle version of a time out, he gets told what I expect him to do, eg leave the trolley alone, then a count to three if you very on pushing that trolley you will have to have a time out to think about what I'm saying, carries on time out, within eyesight clearly stating you are having a time out because you're not using your listening ears/kind hands etc, after go over to him ask him why he's in the time out and then how that makes me/the other person feel. He will then apologise without prompting.
We're use time out as a last resort though.

Generally he has a marble jar and earns marbles for listening well, being helpful, being kind and a few simple set tasks like brushing his teeth nicely, getting dressed quickly when asked etc. We've also used it when he was going through a spate of getting out of bed. When the jar is full the 'fairies' come overnight and give him a special surprise usually a book or comic just something small and empty the jar.
All of this will also depend on how verbal your child is, DS was an early talker and could understand well from a young age. If they don't a lot of the behaviour comes from communication frustrations.

Good grief, some of these comments. You’d bin a 2 year old’s toy’s? Seriously?

OP, her behaviour sounds totally normal for a kid of that age. 2 year olds don’t have impulse control; they certainly don’t have the restraint and judgment not to chuck things when they’re wound up.

I find Curious Parenting and Dr Martha Psychologist (both on Instagram) to be really good resources for this kind of thing. Work with your child, don’t punish her for behaving in a way that is completely normal for a child her age. Naughty steps and time outs and all the rest of it might make her compliant but in the long run they won’t help her manage her emotions and behaviour.

And ignore your mum! Sounds like she’s the one needs the naughty step, not your toddler.

Also, just to add - I know it seems to be a thing that people call a naughty step a “thinking step” or whatever but they’re essentially the same thing. A child of that age cannot comprehend they’ve done something wrong. Things got too much, they had a big feeling, they reacted. They certainly don’t have the cognitive ability to sit and think about their behaviour for a few minutes.

Redirection seems to be something that works quite well - eg child throws toy in house, you take the toy briefly, you say firmly “we don’t throw things in the house. Let’s find somewhere we can do this safely” and then let them chuck stuff outside, or find something soft and small they can throw into a basket inside, or whatever. Safely direct the impulse.

Love the marble jar @RewildingAmbridge !

I had a 'time out' cupboard for toys - everytime he hit me (or anyone else) with a toy the toy concerned got a 24 hr time out. It was quite effective for us, I could see it working with thrown toys too.

@howdoesatoastermaketoast We do similar, it's a very maximum of 24 hours for us. But we normally give him the chance to earn it back sooner so he normally has whatever it is back within 20 minutes or so. It's not my favourite (or first method) to use, but it has its place for us.

You don't need 24 hours for a 2.5 year old. 5 or 10 minutes seems long to them!

I totally get what you're saying it depends on the kid and the toy concerned - my darling went through a phase of hitting you with a metal toy car in his hand, it hurt like anything and he had dozens. Confiscated car went in cupboard with a polite but firm "no, don't hit people/mummy with toys, it really hurts" and lo toddled off to get a new car. If it had been a toy he was really attached to such that 'depriving' him of it caused real distress I would certainly have adjusted.