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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not hide my baby?

106 replies

littlefirecar · 25/06/2022 09:05

This happened a few months ago but I have seen this woman out a few times now and she still makes me really uncomfortable

My baby is now bigger but when she was a couple of months old I was pushing her in her pram and she was enjoying looking around / cooing at things (she had only just moved to a sit up rather than basinet pushchair so was still enjoying the novelty)

All was good until we we crossed the road to a traffic island and were waiting to cross the next road to go on our way.

The lights at this crossing point always seem to take ages so I'm chatting to baby while she is happily cooing and starting to reach out to the stranger standing next to us also waiting to cross (she was very interested in strangers / other people at this stage and still is)

Anyway this woman then turns to me and asks me (pretty abruptly) to pull the hood down so my baby stops staring at her!

I was pretty stunned by this and lights still hadnt changed to cross so I just said 'no she's just being friendly' . She then seems more agitated and says 'you should be more considerate of others, I miscarried and our IVF failed, i don't want to be constantly reminded!'

I didn't really know what to say and felt really awkward but didn't want to pull the hood down on my baby as she doesnt like that so I just turned back to baby and lights changed a few seconds later

Crossed over and continued on our way but since then I have wondered if I dealt with the situation correctly.

I get she obviously had some trauma going on but I felt she was unreasonable and rude to expect me to hide my baby from her

Since then I have seen her around (I guess she must live in my area) but thankfully not stood close again!

WIBU or was she?

OP posts:
Poppyseed14 · 25/06/2022 09:09

YANBU OP. She could have looked the other way or moved away from you and your baby and said nothing. I get it must be awful for her but she can't expect to be out and never see a baby.

RosieRainbow1986 · 25/06/2022 09:15

YANBU. Having had a miscarriage myself and still struggling to conceive I'd never ever say this to someone or expect anyone to hide their baby from me - how ridiculous! S/he is a little person at the end of the day! When I go out and about I expect to see babies and other pregnant women...it's a fact of life and I'd never begrudge anyone for it. If anything I try and look positively and think 'that'll be me one day'. So try and forget it as best you can -maybe she was having a bad day but no excuse to take it out on you!

Porcupineintherough · 25/06/2022 09:19

It was kind of you to pull the hood up when she asked you because she obviously had issues. YABU to not realise that's not a normal request or to let it bother you unduly.

WimpoleHat · 25/06/2022 09:20

She was rude and ridiculous - but she was obviously having a really bad day and you and your baby just happened to bear the brunt of it. Of course you didn’t do
anything wrong; just have a bit of sympathy for someone clearly in a bad place and don’t think any more of it. If you see her again, I bet she’ll be more embarrassed than you are. Just one of those unfortunate things.

Mally100 · 25/06/2022 09:21

Porcupineintherough · 25/06/2022 09:19

It was kind of you to pull the hood up when she asked you because she obviously had issues. YABU to not realise that's not a normal request or to let it bother you unduly.

Yabu because you must know that this is certainly not the norm. I'm Hmm that you can't see this, unless this is meant to be a goody thread about women going through fertility issues. What, were you really asking if you should hide your baby away Hmm

Mally100 · 25/06/2022 09:21

*goady

Overthebow · 25/06/2022 09:22

YANBU. Your baby is a real person and shouldn’t have to be hidden so someone else can’t see.

LadyTwinkle · 25/06/2022 09:22

You didn't do anything wrong. She was having a hard time, and consequently projecting her feelings on to you and making them your responsibility rather than her own. And somewhat unjustly blaming you for her situation. I don't think there really is a right way to handle something like that. I mean you can't keep your baby constantly covered up incase she triggers someone. And you can't be expected to know the back story of everyone you pass in the street in order to avoid upsetting someone. and your baby needs to experience the world too in order to develop and grow.

BattenburgDonkey · 25/06/2022 09:23

Mally100 · 25/06/2022 09:21

Yabu because you must know that this is certainly not the norm. I'm Hmm that you can't see this, unless this is meant to be a goody thread about women going through fertility issues. What, were you really asking if you should hide your baby away Hmm

Show quote history

I agree with this. You no you weren’t in the wrong, it’s just a goady thread aimed at women who’ve miscarriaged/struggled to TTC.

CurbsideProphet · 25/06/2022 09:24

I really can't see this happening IRL.

TealGuitar · 25/06/2022 09:25

I was in a cafe with my baby and had the opposite - a woman suddenly interrupted the conversation I was having with a friend and said "I'm not staring at your baby!" I said "Well, I don't mind if you are" and she said vehemently and with disgust "Well, I'm not!". I just assumed she had issues.

AmbushedByCake · 25/06/2022 09:29

CurbsideProphet · 25/06/2022 09:24

I really can't see this happening IRL.

Lucky you. My neighbour harasses us every time my child sets foot in the garden and we have been explicitly told by her husband it's because she has fertility issues and now resents anyone with children. She screams and verbally abuses me on the street. I have had fertility issues myself before I was lucky enough to have DC and I can remember how painful it was, but it's still not an excuse for being an arsehole and trying to stop other people going about their lives. Nice people have fertility issues but sometimes total dickheads do too.

Original poster
littlefirecar · 25/06/2022 09:35

Definitely not a goady thread , its something that's been playing on my mind as I wasn't sure if I should have said something to her , at the time i was a bit too stunned so just turned away and said nothing and didn't cover baby. It definitely wasn't something i expected to happen on a short walk out with my baby but as I see her around a fair bit its now something that plays on my mind.

If we were ever at the same crossing again ofc i don't know if she would say something again but I would still feel awkward and consider if I should cover baby due to what she said last time

I'm sensitive to anyone who has lost a baby (didnt seem relevant to mention but I had to terminate my first pregnancy for medical reasons) so i really hope no one sees this as some sort of attack on people who have experienced loss

OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 25/06/2022 09:51

Every adult walking past her was also a baby once. It's alarming, if she ever said anything again I'd probably just ignore. She obviously needs help.

Backtothefuture1908 · 25/06/2022 09:57

After I had a stillbirth, I was angry for a while at newborns, pregnant women etc. Then one day, a friend of mines - who also had a stillbirth, said "you don't know the history behind those pregnant women and new born babies" it made me realise that I wasnt alone. That the babies could be rainbow babies, that the mothers could've had a shit time too.

However, I would never have said what that woman said to you. I'd have removed myself from the situation.

So YANBU. Enjoy your baby. 😊

Stabbitystabstab · 25/06/2022 09:58

Fucking hell
I'd have told her where to go
Babies are everywhere, it's very sad she hasn't had any but it's nothing to do with you.
You were a lot kinder than I would have been

TheGoogleMum · 25/06/2022 10:00

Yanbu. People need to stop expecting everyone else to manage their feelings for them. It's a shame she is struggling but the world doesn't revolve around her

Dancingwithhyenas · 25/06/2022 10:01

Obviously you were not doing anything at all abnormal. But cut this lady some slack on her wild (and yes totally unreasonable) outburst. She is obviously hugely distressed and grieving. It’s not about you or anything you have done. Let it go.

When similar things have happened with my toddlers or older children I have explained later to them so that they don’t think they did anything wrong. Hopefully your baby will be oblivious but you tell her that the lady was very sad.

rainbowmilk · 25/06/2022 10:07

YABU for starting a thread for the purpose of getting people to be horrible about someone going through something dreadful. I refuse to believe you genuinely thought that you should “hide” your baby from the general public.

Of course she was being unreasonable, and you know she was.

Mally100 · 25/06/2022 10:11

rainbowmilk · 25/06/2022 10:07

YABU for starting a thread for the purpose of getting people to be horrible about someone going through something dreadful. I refuse to believe you genuinely thought that you should “hide” your baby from the general public.

Of course she was being unreasonable, and you know she was.

Exactly, with the faux confusion about what to do and hiding the baby away.

Ethelfromnumber73 · 25/06/2022 10:20

Surely you can work out for yourself OP that of course your response was not unreasonable but that this fictitious woman was clearly in a very bad place

hunge · 25/06/2022 10:22

Glad it’s not just me who picked up on this.

Its just another way of being unpleasant about women with fertility problems. You really don’t need to, you know. It’s distressing enough for them.

Phrenologistsfinger · 25/06/2022 10:29

I’m in same position as the woman and every baby, family or pregnant women is like a dagger to the gut at the moment - real physical pain. But I would have kept well away from any pram tbh, I scan the place for them and move away and if I cannot do that look away really intently.

if only I could avoid the parent chat at work too. And the adverts on tv and the plot lines in every drama about babies/pregnancy/kids. It’s everywhere. There are lots of women like this who grin and bear their secret pain but noone remembers or cares as it is not a socially acceptable situation…

Ethelfromnumber73 · 25/06/2022 10:30

The Daily Mail hates fertility treatment. Just sayin.

Phrenologistsfinger · 25/06/2022 10:31

Also there are some really heartless people on this thread. Imagine how you would feel if all your children died and you faced an empty future without the hope and dreams you had for your family.