AIBU to not hide my baby?

[littlefirecar]

This happened a few months ago but I have seen this woman out a few times now and she still makes me really uncomfortable

My baby is now bigger but when she was a couple of months old I was pushing her in her pram and she was enjoying looking around / cooing at things (she had only just moved to a sit up rather than basinet pushchair so was still enjoying the novelty)

All was good until we we crossed the road to a traffic island and were waiting to cross the next road to go on our way.

The lights at this crossing point always seem to take ages so I'm chatting to baby while she is happily cooing and starting to reach out to the stranger standing next to us also waiting to cross (she was very interested in strangers / other people at this stage and still is)

Anyway this woman then turns to me and asks me (pretty abruptly) to pull the hood down so my baby stops staring at her!

I was pretty stunned by this and lights still hadnt changed to cross so I just said 'no she's just being friendly' . She then seems more agitated and says 'you should be more considerate of others, I miscarried and our IVF failed, i don't want to be constantly reminded!'

I didn't really know what to say and felt really awkward but didn't want to pull the hood down on my baby as she doesnt like that so I just turned back to baby and lights changed a few seconds later

Crossed over and continued on our way but since then I have wondered if I dealt with the situation correctly.

I get she obviously had some trauma going on but I felt she was unreasonable and rude to expect me to hide my baby from her

Since then I have seen her around (I guess she must live in my area) but thankfully not stood close again!

WIBU or was she?

Your baby was sitting up at a couple of months old? 🤔

I've firsthand witnessed some batshit behaviour from other women I used to know, because of their fertility issues, while also having had no support when I went through a very tragic loss myself.

This was batshit. And YANBU. I do a mental eyeroll etc at people who can't let others get on with their lives and babies, but also have a lot of sympathy because fertility issues or repeated losses etc can really mess with a person's head.

I don't think there was anything you could have done, she doesn't sound like she would have been receptive so walking away from a situation was best.

Your neighbour harasses you because she has mental health problems that have been triggered/exacerbated by infertility.

That is not normal behaviour of someone who hasn’t been able to conceive, you’re perpetuating a ‘crazed woman’ stereotype

A baby a human being and person in their own right, not the latest accessory one should hide in order not to upset somebody less fortunate. YANBU

We have all felt pain in our lives, it does not mean you can lash out at any unsuspecting person, particularly one that isn’t even engaging with you. I lost my dad at a young age in tragic circumstances, when friends chat about their dads/Father’s Day, family etc do I feel entitled to lash out at them because of my own pain? No. My pain is my own, I share it with some close friends but it is not anyone’s fault that I do not have my dad in my life. The loss I feel is constant but it is also up to me to regulate my emotions and recognise that it is nobody’s fault that my dad is not here. I would argue it is the same for this lady.

I’m guessing she has mental health issues to have reacted like that. You weren’t being unreasonable at all op but I do feel for her too.

Yanbu.

You often hear reasons that explain behaviour but it doesn't excuse it.

You just met someone who was clearly going through an emotional time and she offloaded on you because of that.

But remember that's one person your whole babies life. You aren't being asked by society to cover up and hide your baby away.
One woman had a moment during a time of intense grief for her and made an unreasonable request.

I don't know. I feel sorry for this woman. I've had 4 miscarriages. I also have 3 children so I'm lucky and I can totally understand how she felt. I used to cry at the sight of babies and pregnant women after I lost my babies.
I wouldn't have said what she did but I also don't think she was so awful for saying it. In your place I probably would have put the hood up for a few seconds.
Not because you need to hide your baby from everyone (and you would be hiding your baby for a few seconds from one person) but because you could have made someone's day just a bit easier.
You know how horrendous it is to lose a child. I'm surprised you weren't more sympathetic actually.

She could be just as uncomfortable at seeing you now. People aren’t static, and your reaction to her demand might have given her something to think about too.

Try not to let it worry you.

Being out and about with a baby is strange - so many people speak to you who wouldn’t otherwise, and the vast majority are lovely. But others have their issues - I had a lady try to claim I was stealing her baby, another who glared at my baby until he stopped smiling, one who followed me down the street ranting that I was responsible for over populating the planet, and one who was evangelising for breastfeeding at the traffic lights.

Don't be daft. Everyone has losses and pain. They don't give you the right to stop people going about their lives.

Lay In is not said much in the north.

also hate when people say “my one” just bloody say mine.

...heads back to the style and beauty board.

YANBU your baby doesn’t need to be hidden to accommodate a stranger or anyone else’s feelings. We have run into a situation with friends who are struggling to conceive their second child and are visibly unhappy whenever we bring our baby to group events. It’s horrible for them to be struggling but I won’t pretend she doesn’t exist or not let her join in with activities when all the older toddlers are invited.

Not sure you’re in the right place 😀

If this happened which I doubt then perhaps just recognise it as a snapshot in time where a vulnerable and sad woman struggled to cope.

You can’t possibly believe that you’re expected to keep your baby hidden, so I’m not sure what the post is for other than to goad.

YANBU at all OP. I'm unlikely to be able to have children, my sister is currently pregnant and I'm really struggling but there's no way I'd ever tell her to hide her pregnancy or baby.

I also really struggle sometimes seeing babies but I'd never say that to anyone, it's not fair and also your baby is a person in his/her own right and shouldn't be hidden away.

I do feel for the woman but obviously you shouldn't hide your baby. And I don't think you have an intention of doing that?

I have had IVF for years, and several losses. I'm now pregnant but for months during this pregnancy, I kept it private.
Partly because of the losses. But also because I felt guilty for being pregnant as I understand the effect it has seeing a pregnant woman when you're having such difficulties trying to conceive or you have had a loss.

For the first 4 months of being pregnant, I felt jealousy seeing other pregnant women because of the trauma of the losses and the IVF etc. even though I was pregnant myself. I still felt that sadness and jealousy.

It's an awful situation and I can understand it was hard for her. And unpleasant for you too.

I think the key here is not that she wanted your baby to be hidden but where you say “starting to reach out to the stranger standing next to us also waiting to cross.” Your child was trying to engage her attention and it was obviously not something this woman wanted

This was my take from it too. Just because your baby is 'very interested in strangers' doesn't mean every person you come across should be expected to indulge you both. It sounds like you were maybe a bit full on with all the cooing and expecting her to join in the performance.

YABU posting this. Of course you don’t need to hide your baby - and you also don’t need to make a big deal about it.

All that happened is you got the brunt of someone in the middle of a fertility crisis.

Yes it was twattish to speak to you like that and she probably feels embarrassed now, but for all you know she just found out that morning that her latest IVF failed, and felt utterly hopeless so lashed out.

Have some sympathy, don’t take it personally and move on!

What an odd thread to start. Of course you don't have to 'hide your baby away'.

I would have pulled the hood down as asked for the length of the crossing because the woman who spoke was clearly distressed, and it would a tiny kindness to her.

This anecdote should elicit empathy for those who have experienced loss, not outrage that your precious firstborn had her view restricted for a few seconds. The woman was probably mortified at her own outburst later.

I feel sorry for her. I’ve had losses and struggles and at one time I had to take myself away when someone else announced a pregnancy

She may have just heard her latest IVF failed, or that her eggs weren’t perfect or whatever. It does sound like you were trying to draw attention to yourself and your baby and she probably really struggled

This didn't happen.

YANBU, a strangers fertility struggles should not be your worry when doing anything with your child, she's obviously struggling which is sad for her but she was really out of order in my opinion.

I think this obsession with people pleasing and trying not to offend every single person at the same time is getting ridiculous