Or am I just old and out of touch?

[snowdropsandcrocuses]

DD 15 has a group of friends consisting of all girls except one male. He's a lovely kid. I guess if I described him I would say good kid, loner, long hair, skinny. He's a nice boy but not particularly sociable.

So we're chatting about her friends and she says her male friend (we will call him Jack) is pansexual. I had to Google this to discover it meant he is attracted to both sexes. She then told me, in all seriousness, he is Aromantic.

I had to pause for a second and confirm she meant he does not like/do romance to which I got another honest, straight faced 'yes'

So wait, there is a 15 year old boy in your friendship group (all girls except him) that is attracted to both (all?) genders and is not interested in romance. In other words, he wants to shag but not date?

I swear I don't get it. She cannot see any irony in the term 'aromantic' for a teenage boy. And I want to stop the train and get off!

I have two teenagers, if I've never heard of something they mention, I ask about it.. I'm not struggling to understand anything so far.

It's a bit like those personality types, or love language etc.. Not something I care about, but some people do and that's fine.

@snowdropsandcrocuses

Yes, you are old and out of touch.

@AllAloneInThisHouse What about me? You were being condescending to another person, telling them that they’d understand “now”. only if they’ve bothered to “learn and be respectful” which I thought was both unkind and not very open-minded of you. Hence the reason I quoted your words back to you as it’s actually something I agree with. We need to be able to be more open-minded and kind and discuss things without people sneering.

Great post.

Teenagers are just figuring out who they want to be and using words we've never heard of before. When I was in my teens (late 60s/ early 70s) nobody even dared come out as gay at least they can be more open about it now. Some of my grandsons' friends have given themselves labels like this but I wonder if it as much about avoiding sexual commitment rather than shagging everything in sight. Just keep listening and let them work it out for themselves. As long as each individual relationship is conducted with respect and consideration what's the worst that could happen? Respect and consideration including contraception and avoiding STDs of course and if someone did get pregnant - well it's not exactly new is it?

I'm convinced they're just making up words at this point

So now I am curious is whether an actual difference between an “aromantic” and a “player”? Because when I Googled the definition of an aromantic person, I found that it’s part of the 'A' on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum and that an aromanic person can still feel sexual attraction, but they might not identify with the way romance is often presented in current media and culture.

But it could all be to do with how romance is portrayed in mainstream media? Like the whole going on dates and sending flowers etc. are seen as romantic gestures. I’ve never been interested in that and I know several who are and many who aren’t. I just feel like what is even the definition of “romance” because even “love” has different means and connotations based on context. What I think is romantic might not be considered romantic by others for example.

I’ve kids the same age. In my youth there was a lot of tribalism round music. So you got a label in a different way. In terms of sexual identity, it was completely heteronormative.

I just see the current terms as the standard way teens go through their identity formation. And thank god, they are discussing other types of sexuality. I’m almost aghast nowadays if a teen tells me they are straight 🤣🤣🤣

Like us, they will mature, their brains will become less plastic and they will move into boring adulthood.

So friend is into one night stands with anyone with a heartbeat. Simples!

I am not up to date with some of the terms that are used. Though saying 'like' in every sentence still seems to be current.

Can you imagine what mumsnet will look like in 10 years time?

Trending...

My aromantic transgender gay husband doesn't want me anymore.

My husband just had our first baby and won't breastfeed our human

My mum was chucked out of a woman's changing room for having a womb

Lol. Personally I don't care what people are. Just don't bang on about it

Be understanding and supportive to these ”new labels”

No, I'm not going to 'support' new labels which tell teenage girls that the feelings of men who want to shag around should be respected and accommodated, and if you don't you're ostracised/phobic.

Just like I'm not going to support things like lesbians being coerced into sex with male bodies for fear of being ostracised.

Bollocks to that.

It’s basically akin to astrology, no?

It’s fine for people to get meaning from them, to use it to discuss their and others’ feelings.

But I don’t feel the need to be ‘supportive’ to some random’s internal feelings about sexuality and ‘romance’ (whatever the hell that is). Really couldn’t care less if someone declared themselves to be Demi sexual or bloody Pisces.

Re: The demisexuality, it’s a fair bit more nuanced than that, I’d argue. It’s not just “no shag at first sight”, it can feel genuinely alienating & confusing when people around you talk about sexual attraction and how easily it appears to come to them. But there’s not a complete absence of sexual attraction like with asexuality either, it just takes years of trust and emotional intimacy before you feel anything.

It also makes dating quite a bit harder, from my experience. You want to put yourself out there to meet more people and form connections, but everyone else seems to be comfortable moving at a faster pace than you. How can they be comfortable with “making this A Thing” on the third or fourth date, when it’s taken you that long just to feel ready to hold their hand or share a kiss?

Maybe it’s self-image, maybe it’s lack of trust, maybe it’s a fun little bouquet of mental health issues that affect how I handle intimacy. But until I pull apart all the tangled threads that make up my psyche, demisexual/demiromantic is an idea that makes me feel a little less alone. And of course you don’t have to agree, I just wanted to share my personal view on it 💕

Like would that make me aromantic because I don’t conform to what mainstream media considers to be “romantic”? Or maybe I just don’t like flowers and dates? I just feel like what is considered normal romantic behaviour is subjective and based on specific cultural norms. For example, breakfast in bed is something I try to do on a daily basis, but for me it’s an expression of love but it doesn’t have romantic connotations because I’d still do that for friends and family who are staying over etc. Or even if I stay over at a relative’s house and they’re feeling under the weather, I’d make them breakfast and send it up in a tray etc.

That’s why I find the “aromantic” label confusing. If someone is in a relationship and has a sexual connection but it’s entirely devoid of romance, wouldn’t that be more of a FWB situation because there is no relationship? 🤔

Wtf is a pony?

@WheresTheLambSauce I completely understand. I don’t feel an emotional connection with every person I meet, nor have I had crushes etc, but I feel like that it’s not abnormal?

I understand when everyone else around might be comfortable making whatever it is into thing, and you’re not so keen to move that fast, it could just be because you’ve not felt that deeper connection and that could a long time to find or even develop. And some times the more you get to know someone, without the intention of developing an emotional connection, there suddenly is this spark? And I feel like you just don’t get that spark with everyone?

I just worry if there might be an element of confirmation bias that just because everyone else finds it so easy to develop these feelings of intimacy, it’s easy to think therefore I must be the one who is abnormal? But what if it’s a very obvious minority amongst the 7 billion people around the world who fall in love so easily? 😊

I have an adult friend who describes himself as aromantic. I have never known him to be in a relationship with anyone, male or female. He's also a loner, and was recently diagnosed as autistic. However, he doesn't make any distinction between lack of romantic and lack of sexual interest in people.

My youngest declared themselves to be 'agender', for a while we had to start every conversation with apologies for absence and read the minutes of the previous conversation. Then we thought to check the spelling....

Wait til you get a load of otherkin

😂

I'm just a little sceptical because in my experience, humans aren't anywhere near as good at separating sex and love as they think they are.

Fictional characters?‽? A boss called Mickley mouse coming to a workplace near you lol

Periodist

Nothing new here though. The idea of 'free love' with no strings in my youth turned out to be a big con too. There are just different words to describe it now -better than the frigid/slag dichotomy of my teens.

How would you translate that into modern terms now? I struggled with the lyrics back then....