Denied boarding due to excess alcohol. What happens next when abroad?

[Cheeseandlobster]

I will try to keep the details vague and I know this isn't an aibu but I am posting for traffic

I flew home from holiday recently. At check in there was a woman in a wheelchair who looked unwell travelling with her dp and 2 young children. She was at our gate lying on the floor and her partner said she was drunk and had been the whole week they were away. He said he had had enough. The gate staff asked cabin crew who denied the woman boarding. At this stage her dp was openly crying and people were being really kind helping him to source spare nappies for his youngest and giving water etc. One woman in particular was being incredibly kind and helpful.

However the situation has been playing on my mind. She told cabin crew he was violent to her. The helpful lady said she had witnessed the woman physically going for her dp. But she did have a bruise on her face which he said was caused by falling over drunk. She was also verbally aggressive to staff.

So her dp and children boarded and she was left behind. Her dp said she had money but I don't know how much. I am certain insurance won't pay out for a hotel etc but she was obviously very vulnerable and it has been playing on my mind. I don't know whether the airline would have had a duty of care but the last I saw of her was her slumped sideways in the wheelchair at the gate. Violent or not she must have been very frightened and I don't know whether the airline would have looked after her. Does anyone know whether they would have ensured she was safe?

Yes. This is spot on actually

Why did the man need nappies etc, that stands out to me, so he doesn't normally actually look after his children's needs?

I imagine they had been hanging around and they ran out.

OP didn't say he didn't know how to change a nappy it says he couldn't source them.

Just to add for the ones who are eye-rolling, it's not a straightforward situation, the woman claimed he hit her, he was apparently loudly telling everyone around she was drunk and then left her at the gate.

My abusive stepfather used to scratch his own arms and take pictures to claim he was a domestic violence victim.

These situations are unfortunately very common especially with narcissistic abusers.

He's probably been frantically trying to manage everyone's needs since they all got up this morning. His drunken wife, his two small children, wondering what the hell will happen...will they get on the flight, can he keep his wife upright...?

I'd be forgiven for forgetting to put the fucking nappies in the flight bag if I was under that much stress, I hope. It's not like the wife remembered to do it either. But of course that's not her fault is it, because she's a woman.

You'd probably have had a very different reaction if it was a blind drunk MAN being left behind, while the woman and kids boarded.

Just to add for the ones who are eye-rolling, it's not a straightforward situation,

So if the man was left at the gate you would say the same?

No you wouldn't. Men never get the benefit of the doubt that women do.

Not quite the drum roll moment you think. That came out on page 1 with tiresome predictability.
You're right though you wouldn't get the same reaction, no.

1. Because the bar is higher for women, so it all feels a bit more shocking that a woman was the one that was drunk.
2. A woman left alone too drunk to care for herself is vulnerable in ways men are not, so safety concerns are higher.

@Cheeseandlobster on the nappies and water situation, was the father actually asking for them and /or used them or was it just people trying to help in any way they could(and probably trying to feel like they did something for those poor kids)?

I disagree.
The odd thing is that he says she has been drunk all week. Children young enough to be in nappies, and yet he hasn't got a clue where those nappies and drinks are?
It doesn't add up because if she had been drunk all week, he would have been caring for the kids. He would have beent he one packing the bag for the airport.
And if she is generally drunk etc, then he would be doing a lot of caring for kids.

Which makes me question the story, and once you pull at one thread and it unravels....

Very sad situation. But I would not want to jump to any conclusions as to who was right/wrong, as something is a bit off. I can imagine this being either way.

I absolutely agree on the hitting Idontwanna. More worrying to me would be the resigned older child. I can only guess how my own DC would be behaving if they saw me drunk to the point of needing a wheelchair, my DH crying, and all of them getting on a flight without me, but I can imagine that crying/holding onto me/being completely terrified at parents being so out of control would probably feature.

Some possible causes of her behaviour: drunkenness, head injury, hypoglycaemia, having been drugged, or a combination of any of these. There is no doubt that her resulting behaviour made her extremely vulnerable - any of the possible causes of her obnoxious behaviour could be enough to kill her if not accurately identified in time, and would put her at the mercy of others. Her behaviour definitely wasn’t even remotely inconsistent with her partner’s explanation, and if it was as he described, I have a lot of sympathy with him for wanting to prioritise the welfare of the children and to get them home safely, rather than trap the whole family in an overseas hellhole of her creation, with emergency accommodation for four and the expense of four flights to sort out.

I don’t find needing to source more nappies particularly odd - it’s not that easy to deal with two children and an abusive drunk all at the same time.

Exactly, but this is MN, so it means he is lying or in doubt.

The nappies and water offers were likely just the typical responses of women to seeing a man struggling and in charge of children. I remember being on a flight once with a man with a crying baby. Women were falling over themselves to offer to help him, holding the baby to give him a break and so on. Men are treated differently from women when help with children is needed. Sympathy is greater for their struggles and help more readily offered.

It's not clear. When we got to the gate I saw the youngest dc distraught and the dad saying "I don't know you want". It turned out she was saying nappy. I don't know if he had any but he was very flustered and grateful when the helpful lady asked another family with a similar aged dc if they had spare nappies. So he wasn't asking for them but possibly he had run out. I don't know

You can't presume he didn't know where nappies and drinks were. Trying to get two small children, cases, an alcoholic abusive wife to the airport might just of taken every ounce of will he had, especially if she had used the holiday to drink for the entire week.

It seems as those his priority rightly became to get his children home.

I would be interested to know why she needed the wheelchair - if she was on the floor. The reality is if she has kids and got that pissed she deserves all she gets. In my younger years, I regularly used to board planes after drinking and always used to try and look as sober as possible, but when you have kids you just can't be so irresponsible.

I suspect she doesn't really need the wheelchair for a disability. I hope not anyway because if she really does rely on a wheelchair and she is drunk and alone she is in for a hard time.

Grown woman clearly unable to drink sensibly & spoilt the whole holiday for everyone. If I was her partner I’d have left her at the hotel!
Hope partner sees how toxic the relationship is & removes themselves & kids form it until she sorts herself out!

How embarrassing if she can let herself get like that on holiday with two young children who cares about her welfare

Psychotherapist here: you witnessed a dysfunctional family in action and I totally get it - it was disturbing. There are probably all sorts of things going on in that family that aren't ideal. If you had any of their details, the best thing to do would be to call their local Social Services and pass the information on. This might then be combined with other pieces of the puzzle from other interactions with the family and hopefully the family would get some support. As it is, I don't think there is anything you can do. It's sad. Some children have horrible childhoods.

Its dreadful isnt it?

And in this particular case, staying with her in her state would have exposed the children continually to her too, he did the right thing by leaving her. You have to prioritise children in these cases

This is correct and more importantly what is considered DA/DV also differs according to sex. Men who react violently and aggressively to gaslighting and verbal abuse are not considered victims in the same way that women who reach the end of their tether with an emotional abuser are.

I work with vulnerable children and their families and quite often dysfunctional families involve both parents being perpetrators in their functioning, but usually only the female partner (where male and female relationships are concerned) are regarded as the victims, the male is more often than not seen only as the perpetrator, even within police reports/court reporting.

Oh I know it’s really shocking.
When my friend and his exes family did the same and left her behind, the extra hurdles he had to go through were staggering to show he was the victim not her.
Even medical records weren’t enough as he could have gotten his injuries from elsewhere.

Her family were amazing as witnesses for him and had been recording the behaviour for years, some deliberate and other times caught whilst filming the kids enjoying themselves.

Before the final incident others had also called police when she went for him but he was always treated as the perpetrator. After all he must have said/done something to set her off.

It was in family court the tables finally started to properly show when she couldn’t control her aggression. Even cwo tried downplaying her behaviour in the reports citing abusive and violent behaviour a clear indication of the stress she was under.

Nobody knows what is going on. But, either it is exactly as it appears, with an alcoholic woman, or something more weird.
but, please explain to me why a man would drug his partner, get her to the airport in an embarrassing scene, fake injuries, not have prepared his cover story regarding water and nappies, leave his partner behind incurring family costs…
oh, because men can be abusive, right? Simples then. It’s all on him.