Demanding Friend

[LosDolses]

Friends over 35 years,we are both 41. We live in the same area and kids went to the same school for a while. We meet for breakfast every couple of weeks. We don't ring each other for chats or text everyday but still close.

My friend is divorced and has three children. She lives in her mother's house with her mother and step dad. Her mother has always been very hands on and has probably done too much for my friend.

Anyway because my friend is single she is always looking for somebody to do something with,mainly pubs and clubs. I am not interested. I'm happily married with 3 children and prefer to spend my time with DH and DC.

She asked me out a few months ago to a bar in town and I told her my days of going clubbing and drinking in town were over and that the weekends were my time with DH and for the kids hobbies.

She text me today and said we should arrange a few drinks and bring the kids. This means coming to my house with her kids for a few drinks. My kids don't particularly like her kids and I find them quite obnoxious if I'm being honest. She's already telling me when we could arrange it.

I just find her so demanding. I'm not single,I don't want to go clubbing,I don't want her kids in my house.

You have the right to preferences.

You have the right to change.

You have the right to healthy boundaries.

You have the right to a life (including a family life) that suits you.

You are not responsible for your friend’s wants and needs.

You’ve made your feelings clear - you no longer want to go to pubs or clubs, and you wish to spend your weekends with your family.

She has chosen not to respect this.

So, yes, she is being demanding.

People like this are draining. Their behaviour takes its toll.

You cannot be all things to all people.

She needs to find friends with whom she is compatible.

You are not being unreasonable.

Not wanting to go clubbing is completely reasonable.

Not liking someone's obnoxious teenagers completely reasonable.

At the end of the day when you get into your 30s and 40s and are busy with family life and work you are more conscious of how you want to spend your free time and who you spend it with. Nothing wrong with stating your preferences.

Another vote for YANBU

Have you read OP's posts? She's suggested multiple child-free catch ups - pretty much everything other than clubbing. She's suggested dinner out. She's suggested going to the pub. She's suggested going to the cinema. Her friend has rejected all those ideas, and still wants to go clubbing until 4am.
OP sees her at least three times a week, invited her to family events, and has supported her in many ways. But she doesn't want to go clubbing, and frankly, neither would I!

Sounds like you have grown apart as you both have different situations and different priorities/ things you enjoy doing.
Neither of you are in the wrong.
You are just very different people.
I would say your friendship has definitely had its day.

If you're a shit mate because you don't do things you don't want to, then so am I! I'd much rather chill with my dp than be a wingman on a night out! I've done it a few times for a friend but it's exhausting and why should I pay for something I didn't wanna do in the first place!
Pull back from her, being a friend isn't about putting yourself out whenever she wants to do something, you've offered her what works for you aswell as her, you don't need to be doing anymore. If you were always out with your friend, folk on here would be bitching about you never wanting to spend time with your dp!

She needs to find more like minded friends for the nights out. Don't put yourself out more than you're happy with. You've told her you're not into going out drinking anymore, other than with your dp, she should respect that and not mention it again. Why should your kids have to put up with other kids they're not into either. Some people are just too intrusive, with or without a dp.

Some PPs are making out like the OP is committing a huge crime for saying she doesn’t want to go clubbing and would prefer to spend time with her DH. This describes me to a T. If her friend asked her to go skydiving is she supposed to say yes, just in case she hurts her friend’s
feelings? Or just because her friend is single?

@LosDolses knows what she wants to do and it’s not the same as her friend. That’s perfectly fine and no need for anyone on here to try and make her feel like a bad friend.

Just be honest about what does and doesn’t work for you and why (leaving out the fact that you and your kids don’t like her kids). Be clear about what you can and cannot do. I find being honest in a robust but kind way is a pretty good approach.

You may not match up any longer in your lifestyles. I wouldn't want to feel forced to spend my valuable time doing things I don't enjoy, either! Keep saying no as politely as possible, then suggest alternatives. She may not want to do what you suggest, either. If you can't find a middle ground, then the friendship might fade into non-existence. That's not always such a bad thing, fi you're no longer compatible as friends.

In case I wasn't clear, YANBU!

Your friend should respect that you don't want to go clubbing. It's more common than not that a married, settled woman with children no longer sees the appeal. If she wants to go clubbing with a friend, she needs to find someone else. It's normal to have different friends for different activities. It is demanding to expect one friend to fill all your friendship needs, especially as an adult with limited time and other priorities (children, husband, etc.).

Wow, where to start.

Firstly, you sound like an awful friend. You are literally making it out that your friend is dreadful for wanting to socialise with you.

You won't see her socially in a pub or a club, you won't have her kids over because you think you are better than them, and you won't speak to her every day.

The poor woman deserves better, it sounds like she's bending over backwards for you and you're awful to her.

I wouldn't worry too much though, because if you carry on like that I don't think you'll have that problem to worry about.

She's not being demanding - this is what friends do. You don't want to be her friend -- that's a completely different thing. You don't like this person. Let her go.

Clubbing not my thing either. Op I would meet her maybe odd time. Sounds like friendship ran its course. Hard when kids dont mix too

Why does OP's feelings trump her pals, though?

It's really hard you know when your long term friends abandon you for their husband. It's all very lovely but that's not friendship.

I still like going out and my pal isn't keen so we alternate - sometimes we go to the pub and sometimes I go over and we have dinner with her husband.

why do OPs friends choices not matter?

You're allowed to drop friends completely. The sky doesn't fall in.

This is why I started social groups for women on Facebook. I'm happily married with lots of lovely friends and family. Loads of interests. I thrive on making people happy.

Your friend is lonely. You're not a friend. Guide her towards ways to meet friends.

I've heard it time and time again. People in relationships dumping friends. Yes you go for breakfast as it suits you. You could find something less dull for the 2 of you. Or have one of your precious weekends away with her.

I never even dumped friends as a teen. Any bloke even hinting about it got chucked.

OP, you are allowed to not want to go clubbing any more. I hate clubbing and wouldn't go on a hen night etc now if it was at a club. People seem to forget that we are all different and not everyone likes nightclubs.

She has a different lifestyle to you, I get that, I have been there and am still there, I am a single parent, I spend most weekends just me and DD because all of my friends are doing family stuff. I respect that. I used to spend my weekends doing family stuff before I got divorced.

She needs to find like minded people to go clubbing with, you shouldn't have to do something that you don't enjoy just to keep her happy.

I really can't believe some of the comments here!! The OP says she is close to her friend, and spends time with her. Why on earth should she feel forced to do something she doesn't want to do? She's offered lots of alternatives.

I don't see any reason for her teens to come over either. I don't drag my kids along if I am going to a friend's house!

I'm 59 and I am so over clubbing too. I did for a while in my late 40s/early 50s with 3 friends, two of whom were single and one of them always managed to surround us with men!! I wanted to spend time chatting to my friends not man-hunting! It became very tedious.

OP you are not a shit friend at ALL! She doesn't want to go to the cinema. You don't want to go clubbing. As a friend for all those years, she should be respectful of your choice as you have been of hers!

Why do the pal's feelings trump the OPs??

Pal has hardly been "abandoned" either - she's included in lots of things!

You sound pretty selfish.

Passive-aggressive - sounds like you're harbouring some sort of resentment towards her.

I need more in my life than an occasional couple of drinks with my ‘DH’ at the local pub and spending my entire weekend with said husband and ferrying kids to hobbies. How deathly dull.

I love going out and having fun with my friends. Doesn’t detract from family life at all.

I mean, you do you, but nurture your friendships, especially one as enduring as the one you have with her, because otherwise you world will become very, very small.

Also I agree with others, you speak about her with such disdain. How sad.

She asked you for drinks and you said you'd rather spend time with your family. She asked to spend time with you and your family and you said no to that too. Maybe be clear with her about how you want to spend time with her? She clearly values your friendship and wants to spend more time with you, but from some of the things youve said about her I'm not sure you feel the the same strength of connection?

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. At 43, I don't want to go out clubbing or drinking myself to oblivion either. It's ok for you to have boundaries regarding this. Maybe can meet for a couple of quiet drinks in the pub and leave it at that. There are lots of groups for single people she could possibly join on FB and the like if that's what she really wants to do.