Demanding Friend

[LosDolses]

Friends over 35 years,we are both 41. We live in the same area and kids went to the same school for a while. We meet for breakfast every couple of weeks. We don't ring each other for chats or text everyday but still close.

My friend is divorced and has three children. She lives in her mother's house with her mother and step dad. Her mother has always been very hands on and has probably done too much for my friend.

Anyway because my friend is single she is always looking for somebody to do something with,mainly pubs and clubs. I am not interested. I'm happily married with 3 children and prefer to spend my time with DH and DC.

She asked me out a few months ago to a bar in town and I told her my days of going clubbing and drinking in town were over and that the weekends were my time with DH and for the kids hobbies.

She text me today and said we should arrange a few drinks and bring the kids. This means coming to my house with her kids for a few drinks. My kids don't particularly like her kids and I find them quite obnoxious if I'm being honest. She's already telling me when we could arrange it.

I just find her so demanding. I'm not single,I don't want to go clubbing,I don't want her kids in my house.

YANBU, I see nothing wrong with having a casual friend you go to breakfast and walks with but don’t want to go out drinking with. I’d just tell her you’d rather do breakfast as usual. If she keeps hounding you (if she is indeed hounding you), then I’d start to make time between visits longer and longer until it becomes the norm.

You need to chill out a bit - Like others have said you could find yourself single at any time. But I appreciate you might not want to go clubbing particularly.

It's tough being single with kids. She's trying to have a social life because she doesn't have a partner. If you were single you may feel the same. It's even harder if your friends aren't on the same page because they don't need it but you do. Personally I would go out occasionally for a friend. A night out every few months for isn't a big ask. Friendship is about give and take, it's not really fair to only see friends on your terms.

Like you OP I can't think of anything I'd less rather do these days than go clubbing. But when I was newly single, a single mum in my 30s, I did want to go "out out". Wanted to meet new people and didn't want to do it on my own. If I had a friend in that situation now, I would probably swallow it and do it once every few months and the rest of the time, suggest a pub dinner or whatever. For a good friend. If you don't consider her a good friend (and it sounds like you don't - old friend is different to good friend), then just do what you like and don't feel bad about it. You probably feel bad because you know you're not really being a good friend. It's not her job to make you feel like a good friend by bending her wishes to meet yours.

I knew someone like this, the friendship was very one sided, all about her and what she wanted so I just distanced myself when I realised I dreading meeting up.

You sound like a shit friend!

I've probably come across as a shit friend to some of you but I suppose I'm just a bit worn out with friend. I'm realising that she only cares about herself and her own needs being met.

She is divorced 10 years with teenagers so not like she is just going through it now and wants to let loose. Her ex husband is very much part of their children's life and she is by no means in a tough situation. She has lots of other friends and goes out with them. She keeps our relationship seperate from these other friendships.

I've told her numerous times that clubbing and town is not my thing anymore, I quite frankly don't have the energy and the places she wants to go to are where my 19 year old niece and her mates go.

I've suggested alternatives which she has no problem rejecting.

I think it's a bit cheeky to invite yourself over to my home with your three teenagers for drinks. One of her kids was downright rude and disrespectful the last time they visited. I'm flat out everyday working and looking after my own kids so I don't want to be entertaining other people's kids on the weekend.

@LosDolses just don’t be friends with her then if she and her kids are that bad?

I have a friend like this and she's always coming up with these crazy clubbing nights out ideas - even like let's go to London or Dublin on her weekends off from the kids

For concept
I'm in my 40's
Partner
2 kids
Not a Bottomless pit of money

And quite frankly past it all

The main issue with all costs going up is the expense - my priority is my partner and my kids

Not paying to get into sweaty bars and clubs and paying extortionate prices for drinks, cab fares have doubled with the fuel situation it's just not for me

I messaged her last week basically saying that and said we're off to a farm park this weekend they have a mini music festival on and some fair ground rides and activities and we are camping over and why doesn't she and her kids join us?
I got a reply "their dad has them this weekend and I wanted to do an adult activity"
So I said that was our plans and we're spending this weekend as a family as my partner is a shift worker and does work a lot of weekends and i don't want to spend my money going out clubbing im not 18!

She's not replied

I think people in different situations just have different priorities but to me spending £60-80 on a night out - I'd rather spend that money on a family activity really.

I can see this friendship fizzling out to be honest but I'm past caring

@worriedaboutmoney2022
OMG are you me ? I could have written your post literally word for word.
I haven't braved to tell my friend that none of this is for me anymore.
She organises all these things on her weekends without her DC and, as you say, I am not a bottomless pit and I don't want to do these things anymore.
Happy to go to a pub for dinner, drinks and stay there all night then home for 11.30ish after a relaxing drink and a good giggle/catch up with friend, but not mad clubbing nights/weekends away in ££ bars, paying ££ for drinks and ££ cab fares and standing in noisy cattle markets night clubs, squeezing past sweaty people while standing on a sticky floor. No thanks. Dh and I have a posh holiday booked for next year, I would rather not go out out at all with friends (but happy to go to friends houses/have then at mine, go for walk, cheap lunch type of thing) so I can save spending money for the holiday. We need £6k for the holiday, I will not be committing to much at all over the next 6 months at the least, if not longer. That is not going to go down well with my friend at all.

@Thefroglover
I hope you have a lovely holiday next year - I agree totally 💯

I understand the weekend drinking & clubbing thing, I have not been in a club for a long time (15+ years) and did not particularly enjoy it when I was there. I would be digging my heals in at this as well.

Pubs can be better for a night out and a giggle and you can call it after about 3-4 hours and then head home. Can you compromise and suggest a pub with a band night on? But if, as you say she has lots of other friends abd not 100% dependent on you.

Blimey you sound like an awful friend to have and not much fun at all, you are 41 you’re not dead, go for a drink with your mate or to be honest cut her loose and let her find a fun friend as it sounds like you don’t like her very much anyway

I think do the kind thing and stop being her friend

When I read your OP I thought yabVVu but now I just think yabu (a bit).

In the first post she seemed to have suggested town sometime once then when you refused suggested drinks at hers sometime instead and tried to accommodate by inviting your kids too.

I don't see what she has done wrong and I think it's mean you expect her to always travel to yours especially as you're not keen on her kids. If her kids are teens and yours are little I would imagine it is zero craic around at yours anyway.

If however it's 'constantly' asking as you later claimed then you are not so unreasonable.

I have a friend who has pulled this stuff on me for decades; she still goes to festivals, gets out of her head, goes on 48 hour binges.

I have lived a life centered around health and fitness for years and years. I am also now a mother. She won't show up to any occasions involving children (fair enough, other people's kids are dull) but takes the hump that we aren't available to take off camping with load of session heads for a long weekend.

Just pathetic. I think it's time you owned up to the fact however that you don't especially like her and begin distancing yourself. It's not fair otherwise.

I’m 40. I wouldn’t want to go clubbing with a single friend!
maybe in a group with the opportunity to bow out around midnight - but certainly not until 4am!!!

I actually don’t think you’re being unreasonable & I get it!
your friend just needs to take the hint and find a bloke online!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP,
YANBU.

You have zero interest in clubbing, that is your choice.

Inviting herself over to your house with her teens is rude.

Decide if you actually want to be friends with her, as she really isn't concerned with what you want.

You see her several times a week as it is.

It is very reasonable to be busy with your family at the weekend.

i have children, married and we are both in demanding jobs. Yes I would like to spend my weekends relaxing and enjoying family time but I also value friendships and put the effort in to maintain these. A friendship is a two way thing and requires input from both. Of course she wants to go out and have fun. I hope she has other friends who might spend her some fun time.

also, in your posts you are just trying to defend yourself and are seeking assurance you are right in your actions. It appears to have backfired on you.

Being single in your 40’s is really hard especially when all your friends are married. I’m so lucky that my married friends include me in everything, we have girls nights out but also mixed nights out where husbands come along too, I’ve never felt left out.

Your “friend” doesn’t sound demanding at all, she just wants something else in her life other than kids and her mum, it’s shit spending weekends alone. She’s probably picky about men because she can be, after some shit relationships I’m quite picky too ... because I can be 🤷‍♀️

This ⬆️, 100%! People having a go because you don't want to go out for a drink.... but going for a couple of drinks is NOT the same as clubbing til 4am so your friend can pull a bloke and then be done with you. She needs to find some single friends of a similar mindset to do that with.

Sounds like you give her loads of your time, 3 times a week for breakfasts and walks when you are working full time as a child-minder and running your own busy home?! I've counted myself lucky to see a friend fortnightly for a coffee at mine or a walk!

I think people are responding to the original statement without understanding all context. Work out what your needs and wants are in terms of this friendship, and assert your boundaries kindly and consistently and you'll both be happier and clearer in the long term.

Good luck.

I think many of these posts are unfair. I don’t think just because some people still go out clubbing that means there is something wrong with the OP for not doing.
I can understand as I have a family member who is similar. I see them about once a week for a coffee/chat. It can be draining as I am like their counsellor every week listening to their problems. They also suggest doing extra things which would eat into my family time and I have to say no.
This does not make me or the OP bad people.
I think the difference between this family member and other friends/family I see. Is their constant need to make plans. So I do see friends we arrange meet ups and have a great time then perhaps someone suggests something afew weeks later. We also chat a lot on WhatsApp. But this family member is constant, constant suggestions and always asking what I’m doing on days off from work. I daren’t say im just going to relax at home or I don’t have any plans as they suggest coming over again or us going out somewhere.

Surely has other friends. I'm not sure why some folk are so outraged, you see her for other activities you just don't fancy going out boozing with her and that is absolutely fine!

Going to a bar in town isn't the same as 'clubbing' and you could easily have a few drinks
at a bar in town and be home by midnight.

You don't seem like a very caring friend

YABU because you are masquerading as a friend whilst looking down on this woman. Are you remaining her friend to feel superior?

I hear you. I hate pubs and clubbing. I wouldn't go either. I'd stick to breakfasts/lunches. If your kids don't get on, I wouldn't push them together. I've been there and it just caused arguments and fights. I'd say weekends is for family time.