Demanding Friend

[LosDolses]

Friends over 35 years,we are both 41. We live in the same area and kids went to the same school for a while. We meet for breakfast every couple of weeks. We don't ring each other for chats or text everyday but still close.

My friend is divorced and has three children. She lives in her mother's house with her mother and step dad. Her mother has always been very hands on and has probably done too much for my friend.

Anyway because my friend is single she is always looking for somebody to do something with,mainly pubs and clubs. I am not interested. I'm happily married with 3 children and prefer to spend my time with DH and DC.

She asked me out a few months ago to a bar in town and I told her my days of going clubbing and drinking in town were over and that the weekends were my time with DH and for the kids hobbies.

She text me today and said we should arrange a few drinks and bring the kids. This means coming to my house with her kids for a few drinks. My kids don't particularly like her kids and I find them quite obnoxious if I'm being honest. She's already telling me when we could arrange it.

I just find her so demanding. I'm not single,I don't want to go clubbing,I don't want her kids in my house.

You are allowed to not be friends with her. You don’t seem to enjoy her company or doing the same things or approve of her parents helping her out, so just stop being friends with her instead of starting a thread on MN. Especially when you’re so busy.

She doesn't seem to lift you, make you feel warm anymore. What gives you this feeling is not with her. Please don't feel guilty, just accept if this is true.

OP is getting a hard time.Her friend is demanding and does not respect boundaries. OP has every right to not go clubbing, its not her thing anymore. From the sound of things OP is busy with work,her own children and a DH that works long hours.

OP has been there for her friend and from what I can gather her friend expects too much and wants everything her way.

Too many posters are fixated on her not wanting to go clubbing because of her DH and how dare she treat her friend like that. Look how friend is treating OP, OP has repeatedly told her friend she's not up for clubbing anymore but has offered alternatives which friend has rejected.

The friend sounds selfish and only concerned with her own needs and wants.

YNBU OP

@LosDolses I can relate to the not wanting to go clubbing. I'm just really over it and it's not something I would enjoy anymore whatsoever. You have explicitly stated to your friend several times you don't like clubbing, yet she keeps asking. Yeah she sounds pushy to me too and maybe she should learn boundaries. That would massively get on my tits. Can she not take a hint?
Not sure what everyone else is on about on here tbh.

You sound like a shit friend.
She has 3 DC and no partner to help her. Why SHOULDN'T her mum help her out.
I hope she sees through your selfish friendship.
Occasionally, being friends is about doing things you don't particularly want to, because it makes the other person happy.
She suggested drinks at yours instead, you don't want to do that either. So basically breakfast and a walk, both of which suit you, is the only things you want to do. No compromise. Maybe she's bored of that? Life is about give and take.

She is not continually asking you to go clubbing though, is she? She is just trying to extend when you see each other and you dont want to. If you want to keep the friendship, just tell her you dont have the bandwidth for anything more than you have now. But to be honest, it does not sound like you like her much.

That is the website we’re on

@Minikievs, Have you even read OPs post and updates. Nowhere does OP say that her friend has no help,yes she's divorced with a lot of help from her parents. For all we know her ex husband helps out too. Presumptious much??? Doesn't sound like friend is struggling in any way. OP also said her kids were teens and pre teens so hardly up all night doing night feeds or dealing with toddler tantrums.

OP walks with friend 3 times a week, they go for breakfast, she has suggested dinner drinks in the locality and also the cinema which the friend has rejected. Is friend a shit friend too then..

OP is not responsible for her friends social life.

Yes, you've known her a long time, but you've grown apart.

@Afrodizzyak, Sorry don't agree with that. We do lots of things together,I just don't want to go clubbing. She has lots of other friends.

But you say she only wants to go clubbing, despite your other suggestions, and that you’re just not up for that anymore. You’ve started to resent her - for the help she gets from her mother, because you find her demanding, because you feel she moans about the men she goes out with… plus you don’t like her children and want to avoid spending time with them. What’s keeping the friendship going other than nostalgia for happier times?

Bloody hell - what do you say about people you genuinely don’t like?!

So you have an old friend who you don’t really like who thinks you are still friends.

you aren’t friends. You only want to do the things you enjoy - you won’t compromise. Friendship is about give and take.

I have gone on many nights over the years that wouldn’t be my first choice - but it’s for my friends. They have done the same for me (I have gone clubbing which I hate, they have gone to the theatre which they hate!).

you don’t like this woman. Your not prepared to have one night out. It’s not brocade you are happily married - it’s beciase you don’t like her.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns - your mate needs another (single ?) friend to go out clubbing with. It’s as simple as that. You aren’t interested in doing that so why would you go to the expense and bother? If she was a good mate to you, she’d respect your boundaries and stop asking.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I am a good few years older than you and I have no friends that I keep in contact with any more and that's entirely by choice, because generally at some point they overstep the mark and expect you to fall in with what they want you to do and get in a strop or all upset if you say no.
I am quite happy with my own company or that of my immediate family and have been this way since I was about your age. I had lots of friends, activities, commitments, kids and both of us had demanding jobs but I stopped it all (apart from the job obviously) and life has been so much better since I started saying no.

Last week I offered an unused sign for the garden saying 'Welcome' to my DIL (lives next door) She laughed her socks off and asked me why on earth I had bought it as she knows that actually no one is really welcome, apart from them. I have a 2 hour time limit on visitors🤣
Very early retirement at the end of 2019 then 2 years of lockdown was and still is bliss.
You need to make it quite clear that you are happy enough with the level of contact you have or will go out for dinner only occasionally but that is it. You will not go out drinking. If that's not enough for her then I would say the friendship has run its course.

It's fine to not want to go clubbing, but you don't want your 'friend' or her 'obnoxious kids' in your house either. You are not friends, the way you talk about her is nasty and to say you don't want her kids in your house, wow! I can't imagine running my friends into the ground the way you are about your so called friend. Cut her loose and let her find some real friends.

You are within your rights to set up these boundaries. Free time is precious when you've got a busy life and you don't owe anyone your days off. It's stressful when people keep asking after you've said no. If you say yes to her coming round it will just keep happening. Sounds like she needs a drinking partner and that's not you.

I dunno, Op. It kinda sounds like you're being quite demanding with the terms of the friendship too.

I'm amazed at the majority of responses

@LosDolses

I don't think you are being UR at all

You're being honest about how you feel & what you are prepared to do.

I'm totally uninterested in clubbing & drinking too (I'm a single parent in my 40s & have no time or opportunity - or, suitable friends 😢 - to do this with anyway!)

You clearly do make time to see your friend but this idea of her inviting herself & DC to your house is not on at all.

All you can do I suppose is keep restating your position bit it doesn't sound like she's going to listen!

If you don't want to go out with her for a child free catch up and you don't want to see her in your own home with your respective children, how do you see this friendship working?

When would you like to see her and what would you like to do?

@LosDolses I think you've not put yourself in the 'best light' as a friend with some of the things you've said but it is what it is. As far as 'clubbing' all you can do is continue to say "No, I've told you before that's not my scene anymore and I won't be doing that" each an every time she asks.

I had a friend years ago whose son was not very nice to my DS2 (18 months younger) when no one was looking when they were little, and as a result DS2 didn't want to be around him. She thought the sun shone out his arse and would never have believed her son was a 'low level' bully. As a result I always managed to either meet up in the park or the school playground where they were in plain view or I'd go to hers and DS2 would stay home or be with my parents.

She's overstepping your boundaries by continuously asking until you give in and agree. It's obvious.

Just tell her a firm no. "No Jane I've told you I'm not into drinking and going to town/clubbing. I'm over that now, you'll have to invite one of your other mates to do that with you. I like meeting for breakfast and doing walks that's great but please stop asking me to go get pissed. I'm not about that and you know that."

Totally agree with @11Hawkins and can’t believe what a hard time you’re getting here, OP! She sounds very demanding and manipulative and you are right not to be pressured to do something that your really don’t want to do. I think if the breakfasts and walks work for both of you, and you both come away feeling better for the experience, then keep at them, but on the whole this relationship has maybe run it’s course but you’re still tied to each other because you’ve known each other so long.

side note, what kind of man does she expect to meet clubbing anyway?!

I wouldn’t be up for clubbing until 4am either! Way over that, just find it exhausting now. And I don’t even have kids!
Just let her know that you’re happy to go for drinks but would like to be back by X time so that the next day isn’t wiped out. If she isn’t satisfied with that then that’s not your problem.

Unbelievable the amount of bitchy responses to OP.

She has a domestic set-up, husband, kids, work etc. never mind the domestic daily drudge

I would not want to go "clubbing" in that scenario either. Life is exhausting enough. Especially if friend is only going out on the "pull" - she can do that on her own without demanding friends join her who have a full life on already.

OP, do NOT let your so-called friend try to manipulate you just because she cannot find her own independence.

You sound kind and a good friend. As a single working mother I'd love one who suggests a breakfast out on a free day

I don’t see how she’s being demanding at all? A few months ago she asked if you’d like to go out to a bar. You said no, and said your weekends are for your DH and kids. Several months later she suggests an activity involving the kids? Sounds completely normal/ reasonable to me!

You’ve been a bit mean/ superior/ judgy about your life. You’ve “moved on” (eg she’s left behind. She’s too dependent on her mum, doesn’t live in the real world, wants a man but no one is good enough; she’s demanding and oh by the way her kids are obnoxious. You don’t sound like a good friend.

*mean/ judgy about her life