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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Demanding Friend

151 replies

LosDolses · 22/06/2022 15:53

Friends over 35 years,we are both 41. We live in the same area and kids went to the same school for a while. We meet for breakfast every couple of weeks. We don't ring each other for chats or text everyday but still close.

My friend is divorced and has three children. She lives in her mother's house with her mother and step dad. Her mother has always been very hands on and has probably done too much for my friend.

Anyway because my friend is single she is always looking for somebody to do something with,mainly pubs and clubs. I am not interested. I'm happily married with 3 children and prefer to spend my time with DH and DC.

She asked me out a few months ago to a bar in town and I told her my days of going clubbing and drinking in town were over and that the weekends were my time with DH and for the kids hobbies.

She text me today and said we should arrange a few drinks and bring the kids. This means coming to my house with her kids for a few drinks. My kids don't particularly like her kids and I find them quite obnoxious if I'm being honest. She's already telling me when we could arrange it.

I just find her so demanding. I'm not single,I don't want to go clubbing,I don't want her kids in my house.

OP posts:
springbreak22 · 22/06/2022 16:18

Your updates just get more grim.

Clearly don't like her very much.

Let's hope you don't need a friends company one day...

DisappearingGirl · 22/06/2022 16:18

I'm going to disagree with other posters OP. I don't think you're unreasonable not to want to go clubbing or have kids you don't like in your house. It sounds like you meet up with your friend at other times.

However it's not unreasonable of her to ask (though it sounds like she is quite persistent). I would just carry on doing what you are doing - saying no to the things you don't want to do, and suggesting something you both like doing instead

oopsfellover · 22/06/2022 16:20

How does she respond when you say you don’t want to go clubbing?

GreenManalishi · 22/06/2022 16:20

I'm not sure what your conundrum is? You see her occasionally for breakfas which you find draining. You don't call each other for a chat. You don't enjoy doing the same things in your spare time. You feel she's codependant, and your kids have nothing in common either. Apart from years ago their mothers were mates.

Nope, still not sure what the dilemma is, this doesn't sound like you view her as a friend, more an irritation. Maybe start with not dragging her to strangers on the internet and hope you never end up single and in the same boat.

Cakecakecheese · 22/06/2022 16:21

She doesn't sound that demanding, just a bit lonely maybe. If you really can't sacrifice one night to give your friend a nice night out do you have any other friends that might be interested? Or you could suggest she looks on the meetup app for local people to socialise with.

Topgub · 22/06/2022 16:22

Christ. I'm glad you're not my friend

You're not friends.

Do her a favour and tell her you no longer need friends, you only need your family

Original poster
LosDolses · 22/06/2022 16:24

@oopsfellover, Its just that I've told her so many times I'm not interested in nights out and yet she keeps asking. I like spending time with her yes. We regularly meet for walks,probably three mornings a week after the school run and during Covid she came down for some drinks in our garden. I knew she couldn't get out to meet anybody during Covid so when it was permitted I did see her a lot and invited her to family parties too as my family know her as we are childhood friends. I mentioned her mother because my friend doesn't really live in the real world and can look down on others. She can be very judgy about where people live or how much money they make. When she meets guys its all on her terms,she won't compromise and a lot of this comes from her mother.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/06/2022 16:28

She mistakenly thinks you're good friends. You don't think that. That's the issue. It's possible to be married with kids and still have a social life outside of that. You don't want it but she's not unreasonable to assume you would

Imogensmumma · 22/06/2022 16:30

You can’t have a friendship and dictate what the friendship entails and doesn’t allow. You are giving your friend walks and coffee only!!!! …. Your “friend” is trying to suggest other activities and you keep shutting her down….. you may be short a friend soon

Don’t see why once in a blue moon you can’t go to the pub as something different to do

Original poster
LosDolses · 22/06/2022 16:35

@Imogensmumma, It's not just a night in the pub though, it's full on night out in town until 4 in the morning. I'm over that,I wouldn't enjoy it. We walk,go for breakfast ,she has come to mine for drinks a lot. I just don't want to go clubbing.I don't know what's so wrong with that.

OP posts:
Canicani · 22/06/2022 16:35

So you basically want to meet her for breakfast whilst your husband is at work because you have nothing better to do?

But don’t actually like her enough to see her when he’s available.

You know most married people with kids and whose ‘lives have moved on’ still see their friends at the weekend?

it’s fine to not like clubbing - you could suggest dinner or the theatre? And you are just ‘assuming’ she wants a wing woman given you’ve not actually been out with her?

Let me guess - you don’t like to have her around when your husbands there either?

Original poster
LosDolses · 22/06/2022 16:44

@Canicani, You are absolutely wrong. It's nothing to do with my DH whatsoever. Im a childminder,work from 7.30 to 5.30 5 days a week so I hardly meet her for breakfast because I've nothing else to do..

I have previously gone out with her a lot and I was her wing woman. I have suggested dinner but its always dinner and then drinks in town. She never wants to stay local even though we have some great pubs and restaurants with music.

No problem having her around my DH whatsoever...how odd you would think that. Deflecting much?.

OP posts:
Daisybuttercup12345 · 22/06/2022 16:45

I agree with you OP. Why should you do the things she suggests when you know you won't enjoy them.
I would suggest breakfast or lunch when the kids are at school. You don't need to justify your reasons to her or anyone else.
Don't let others push you around xx

Canicani · 22/06/2022 16:47

@LosDolses Apologies if my assumption was wrong but I’m not deflecting. I’m happily married and see my friends a lot (single and couples) even on … the weekend!

I hate clubbing and my friends know that, but I’m not smug or think my ‘life has moved on’ and theirs hasn’t. It’s just not for me. But I’d happily suggest doing something else instead.

it just sounds like you don’t like your friend very much, hence my assumption!

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 22/06/2022 16:48

You are not much of a friend are you? Would it be so much hassle to go for a drink once in a blue moon? If so, you need to cut this friendship off as you obviously don't like her very much.

justanoldhack · 22/06/2022 16:48

Ok well, if she's 'Demanding Friend' then it sounds like you are 'Crap Friend'.

Because you are married and have kids, you don't have ANY time for a drink with a friend?! Bizarre

DragonflyNights · 22/06/2022 16:49

Just tell her straight to stop asking and that you are no longer interested in the social activities she is. Tell her what you are interested in doing and that you only want to hang out in those contexts. She can decide if she is up for that or not. If she isn’t then she agrees with you - you’ve grown apart and maybe the friendship has run it’s course.

Sittingonabench · 22/06/2022 16:51

She doesn’t sound demanding at all. She suggests going out - you say no, so she suggests staying in with kids - also no… she sounds like she’s trying to accommodate you but you find fault.

10HailMarys · 22/06/2022 16:51

I think you're getting a unfairly hard time here, OP.

In the world of Mumsnet, nobody actually seems to like their partner's company, but in real life it's completely normal for your partner to be your favourite person and for you to enjoy spending time with them. I like to see my friends, but if I had to choose between my friends and my DP, I would choose my DP every time. For example, Im going away with friends for a weekend next month and looking forward to that, but if it had meant that I would then not be able to afford to go away for a weekend with DP this year, I would prioritise my time with DP.

It's also totally normal and OK not be into big nights out. I've never been into that sort of night out, even when I was young and single. I will happily meet my friends for after work drinks in a pub, or dinner, or a boozy lunch or a trip out somewhere, but no, I will not spend my time and money on something I actively loathe. I have a friend who is really into her nights out. She doesn't expect me to go clubbing with her, and I don't expect her to, eg, come to a football match with me, so we usually go for low-key pub drinks or a meal and a couple of bottles of wine, which we both like.

It is also totally reasonable for you not to want to spend time with her kids. She's your friend; her kids are not your friends and they aren't your children's friends either.

Fink · 22/06/2022 16:54

So you're meeting her for breakfast and walks while you're minding other people's kids?! That's completely not on. Not only would I be furious about it as a parent if it were my kid being minded, but also you only meet her while you're at work, she doesn't get any of your free time. You're really not much of a friend at all.

FoiledByTheInsect · 22/06/2022 16:56

Mumsnet is so weird. OP, just tell her clubbing and staying out late isn't your scene any more and why doesn't she ask xyz other friend.

Or is the real problem that she has no xyz other friend and you feel obligated?

Original poster
LosDolses · 22/06/2022 16:58

Just to clarify a few things. Im not at all smug that I'm married and she's single. My life is very busy. I work full time and have 3dc of my own,my DH also works long hours. Most evenings are taken up with kids hobbies and driving them around.

My life has moved on in that I'm not interested in clubbing,I frankly don't have the energy. I don't have any help with children from family and lying in bed with a hangover is not an option or something I want to do.

I have no problem meeting for dinner or drinks as I've stated. Friend not happy to do this though.

I've told her repeatedly that I not interested in town or clubbing. Am I really that crso friend because I don't want to do that. We walk, go fur breakfast, she has come to family parties,been in my house a lot for drinks/dinner. I've tried to set her up on dates (at her request). I went to court with her numerous times during her separation and divorce and was always there for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
LosDolses · 22/06/2022 17:00

@Fink, Don't be so ridiculous. The family I childmind for happy for me to bring the children out for walks and breakfast. They know my friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
LosDolses · 22/06/2022 17:01

Sorry for the typos

OP posts:
KyaClark · 22/06/2022 17:18

You're coming off way worse than your friend here.