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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My little boy not invited to friend's party, feeling upset

107 replies

NCbcosouting · 21/06/2022 15:40

NC for this one.

I have a friend who I'm close with, we've been on days out together with the little ones and her son came to my son's birthday party. We speak quite a lot and I thought DS and her little boy got on really well. They're both 2.

Last time we went out together my son, who is autistic and non-verbal, had a big meltdown due to sensory overload, in front of my friend and her DS.

I've just found out via social media that my friend had a big party planned for her DS's birthday, and my son wasn't invited. It wasn't just family but friends too, and I'm feeling really hurt. Not for myself but for my DS.

This is the second birthday party he has not been invited to despite the other children coming to my son's birthday party, and I know DS is too young to understand but it is breaking my heart.

I know my DS can be a handful but he is the most affectionate little boy ever and really enjoys being around other children.

I can't help but worry that this is going to be a reoccurring thing as he gets older and starts to understand.

My own brother is autistic and had a really difficult time in school and was bullied badly, children isolated him because of his autism, and I know that I shouldn't think too far ahead because times change and things will be different, but my heart is hurting already with just not being invited.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post but I just need a bit of a handhold.

OP posts:
StEthelburgaRose · 21/06/2022 15:47

That's a shame. I'm assuming your son hasn't ever hurt the little boy as you'd have mentioned that. That's something that can sometimes put people off. Does she maybe think your son would find a party overwhelming? It would have been better for her to ask though. You could ask if the party went well when you next see her and see what she says. Hopefully your ds will get invited to parties in future. Did she only invite kids from a certain place eg. Nursery, to keep numbers down?

Original poster
NCbcosouting · 21/06/2022 15:49

@StEthelburgaRose No not at all, my son only ever hurts himself (which is awful and something we’re working really hard on). I sent a message to see how it went and have just been ignored. As far as I’m aware she had invited mums from all over the place which is why I’m quite hurt over it, if it was family or a select few friends I’d understand but it just feels personal. I really hope this isn’t an ongoing thing, it really worries me

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 15:50

I would have thought that sensory overload would be inevitable at a birthday party, maybe she's trying to spare him?

Original poster
NCbcosouting · 21/06/2022 15:52

@MolliciousIntent maybe. Maybe I’m just taking it too personally

OP posts:
MzHz · 21/06/2022 15:55

MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 15:50

I would have thought that sensory overload would be inevitable at a birthday party, maybe she's trying to spare him?

But you know what? The bigger person invites them over to a smaller setting or TELLS the mum that they’re having a big do and are worried it would be too much? And actually ASK…

I’d end the friendship over this. She’s been super mean to a little child who thankfully won’t know a thing about it, but definitely would cotton on eventually

Quitelikeit · 21/06/2022 15:55

How very sad. Regardless of sensory overload that’s not her decision that is up to the op to decide if the environment is suitable.

im sorry but I would distance myself from this person. She is not a friend and has acted in a discriminatory manner towards your son.

I have a child with ASN and I can tell you there are two types of mothers. Those who will include your child and those who won’t. Sometimes it will be because your son has a disability. Sometimes it might be because he isn’t friends with the birthday child.

either way our path is not an easy one and perspective is everything.

steff13 · 21/06/2022 15:56

MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 15:50

I would have thought that sensory overload would be inevitable at a birthday party, maybe she's trying to spare him?

This would be my thought process, that if a regular day out was too much, then a birthday party certainly would be. Also, is it possible her son was upset by your son's meltdown? Maybe she didn't want to have that potential upset at his birthday party.

tillytown · 21/06/2022 15:57

Phone and ask her about the party. My nephew is autistic and was excluded from everything, even school days out, until his peers started getting diagnosed with different learning difficulties and illnesses, the whole situation sucked. He is now a teenager and honestly couldn't care less

MzHz · 21/06/2022 15:57

I just want to hug you and your little one… if he’d let me :)

SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 15:57

Maybe you're not as close as you thought? Ps. Genuinely want to know how you got the autism diagnosis at 2. We suspect autism in our DC but everyone keeps telling us it's too early.

Original poster
NCbcosouting · 21/06/2022 15:59

@SandyWedges Autism is very much in our family (brother, two cousins, one aunt) and my son had lots of the signs quite early on, the biggest one being never responding to his name. We had an autism referral very early on after the doctors, health visitor and nursery all suspected as well as ourselves

OP posts:
MammaMiaMarie · 21/06/2022 16:00

MolliciousIntent · 21/06/2022 15:50

I would have thought that sensory overload would be inevitable at a birthday party, maybe she's trying to spare him?

I understand the thinking behind this, and the possibility that the behaviour frightened her child.

But the behaviour of the mum is appalling. How immature. To organise a party, and deliberately leave a child out, without any explanation. And now ignoring OP. I think if you're going to make decisions like this, then at least own it and be mature about it. The woman is in no way obligated to invite OP and her child, but clearly if they're friends who socialise, then an explanation is to the least she could have done.

Bigsenoritata · 21/06/2022 16:01

How long have you and the other mum known each other op?

Do the 2 kids actively play with each other, or are they just in the same place at the same time because you're friends with the mum?

Do you know if the mums of the other invited children are long term friends/part of an established friendship group?

thefamilyupstairs · 21/06/2022 16:03

As the parent of a child with autism, you said yourself that he can be a handful. If you think that, then others definitely do too. If he had a meltdown in front of her it's quite likely that she doesn't want that happening at her ds' party. I know it's really hard but dont take it personally and expect it to be the rule rather than the exception. hugs

Original poster
NCbcosouting · 21/06/2022 16:03

@Bigsenoritata known eachother for about 10 years but only grew close over the last year, and I’m not too sure to be honest, I’ve only seen snippets on social media and a post alerting social media of updates to the party

OP posts:
Littleraindrop15 · 21/06/2022 16:03

I would call and ask about the party to find out whether it is because the kids don't get along or because of something else

goldfinchonthelawn · 21/06/2022 16:06

I'm so sorry. This was the story of our life when DS2 was small. And he is the most placid autistic child I've ever met. No meltdowns, just silent fugues. But he was 'different' and although they were all happy to come to his parties, and to ours for sleepovers, pizza nights, days out, the invitations were rarely returned.

i hate to say it but brace yourself. The world is a far colder place than I thought. I did have the guts to ask one 'lovely such a sweet woman' mum why her son happily came to play with us frequently but my son wasn't even allowed to eat a slice of pizza and watch a film at her house in return wheneveryone else did. She just said nothing in reply. To this day I find it hard to like any of the mums from DC's primary.

On the bright side, after a slow, rocky start to secondary, DS made friends, got invited to teen parties, and now has strong friendship groups that he holidays with and socialises with,. A good friend with an autistic son has a similar positive teen social life. It can get better.

All I can suggest is: keep your expectations low. Continue to invite people over sohe doesn't get socially isolated but don't assume there will be any fair exchange. If you meet someone who is fair, hold onto that friendship. If you find out about parties he's excluded from in advance, make an effort to be away that weekend or busy doing something fun that afternoon.

Clymene · 21/06/2022 16:07

I'm really sorry OP. As the parent of an autistic child, this is what life is like. People you thought were friends will exclude your son from social gatherings.

The only good thing about it is that it does help weed out real friends from people who are arseholes early on.

Big hugs to you and your lovely boy

SandyWedges · 21/06/2022 16:09

NCbcosouting · 21/06/2022 15:59

@SandyWedges Autism is very much in our family (brother, two cousins, one aunt) and my son had lots of the signs quite early on, the biggest one being never responding to his name. We had an autism referral very early on after the doctors, health visitor and nursery all suspected as well as ourselves

Thank you that's super helpful, our HV was quite dismissive but we have similar family history and nursery have also picked up on it too so I'll try the GP. Sorry if it is the case your son is deliberately being excluded, hopefully it's just a case of a different friendship group being closer or something.

Thatboymum · 21/06/2022 16:09

This happens to me my wee boy with adhd he’s a handful too he’s 4 and is always the child not invited to the nursery partys and it’s so so sad , however one mum did invite him recently and made such an effort to accommodate him and it was really heart warming she brought him ear defenders specific food and a place to go for quietness it reassured me that there’s still some good out there

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 21/06/2022 16:13

It really doesn't help when other people tell you how they just knew the party they had planned would overwhelm your child so they were thoughtful enough to not invite them Hmm

Anyway OP, sadly yes it does still happen but people dress it up in new ways.

lunar1 · 21/06/2022 16:18

I really don't get why people do this! It's not hard to talk to the parent of a child with autism.

'I'm planing xxx for DS's birthday, do you think your son will want to join in? Is there anything we can do to make it easier? Or would it be better to have our own celebration?'

My sons both have several friends with different presentations of autism, we find a way every single time. I cannot understand a bloody grown adult who would blank you in this way.

faw2009 · 21/06/2022 16:20

I also echo other's experiences,so do be prepared. Your real friends will be understanding and will ask and will try to include. Others just don't want the slightest risk of meltdowns / tantrums / unusual behaviour.
Like others, my DS is now in secondary and has a bunch of good friends.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/06/2022 16:27

Fuck them.

It's awful and hurtful but you get over it with a good insight into certain people's characteristics.

I had the same experience uninvited by many friends.

I left them behind my Dsis is still part of the group so I see them socially on occasions.

DS is impeccably behaved now, he follows the rules, uses intelligent language and is achieving highly, he puts their DC to shame with his manners.

I don't discuss his issues with any of them.

Don't mind her. I'm sorry. 💐

theyetijumpedoverthemoon · 21/06/2022 16:29

Blanking is not nice.
However, two year olds (nt or nd) aren't old enough to have reciprocal friendships. I'd be much more likely to go the extra mile at an age when they are, and when they have a good idea of what's going on. Before that it's much more about the adults.

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