My little boy not invited to friend's party, feeling upset

[NCbcosouting]

NC for this one.

I have a friend who I'm close with, we've been on days out together with the little ones and her son came to my son's birthday party. We speak quite a lot and I thought DS and her little boy got on really well. They're both 2.

Last time we went out together my son, who is autistic and non-verbal, had a big meltdown due to sensory overload, in front of my friend and her DS.

I've just found out via social media that my friend had a big party planned for her DS's birthday, and my son wasn't invited. It wasn't just family but friends too, and I'm feeling really hurt. Not for myself but for my DS.

This is the second birthday party he has not been invited to despite the other children coming to my son's birthday party, and I know DS is too young to understand but it is breaking my heart.

I know my DS can be a handful but he is the most affectionate little boy ever and really enjoys being around other children.

I can't help but worry that this is going to be a reoccurring thing as he gets older and starts to understand.

My own brother is autistic and had a really difficult time in school and was bullied badly, children isolated him because of his autism, and I know that I shouldn't think too far ahead because times change and things will be different, but my heart is hurting already with just not being invited.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post but I just need a bit of a handhold.

Thank you for the kind words and I’m sorry to hear that this is not an isolated incident, it’s so wonderful to hear of the wonderful children you all have.

I am lucky in that my son has a very nice little friend who is so loving towards him and is always so excited for play dates, and we switch between houses with no problems.

I think I’m just upset because I considered this person a close friend and would have liked to have at least had a conversation about it.

It's good you have realized early on that this friend isn't quite as close as you thought, before your ds is old enough to realize. I second a pps suggestion of keeping a good network of friends who have dc with ASD. At least they will all understand.

My guess is the same as several PP, that mum knows that the party is almost certain to bring on a tantrum (which obviously isn't your kid's fault, but it's inevitable due to the environment) and she wants to avoid that on her child's special day, either because it frightens the other children or detracts the attention from the birthday child. It is hard for you to swallow though. At least at this age your son will be unaware, and as he gets older he will find his own way friendship wise. Many autistic kids go on to have good friendships later on - some aren't the most sociable people out but they aren't doomed to being alone.

My guess is that she's disablist. As are you

If there was ever a two year old's birthday party that included other two year olds, and at least one of the children there didn't have some kind of meltdown, then it was like no two year old's party I have ever attended. Two year olds get overwhelmed. They get fractious, they get tired, or hangry. It's in the job description.

OP I’m so sorry to hear this. (Incidentally I find it crazy that these are 2 year olds we are talking about so the NT ones, indeed even the birthday boy, may be prone to a tantrum/meltdown at the exciting event of a birthday party…)

My DS6 has autism and he’s always had a group of friends, has always been included, the parents have always understood that he needs a bit of extra explanation of the rules of party games and that he might not follow the social conventions and nobody bats an eyelid. I hope you find your (and your DS’) group too

Cross post on the meltdowns 🙂

I have one with ADHD and two with autism. We live in quite a small, friendly place so haven’t done too badly with being excluded but I have found it’s in secondary school that they have found more like minded friends. Two are now adults and still have friends from secondary. My 15 year old has a big group of “quirky” friends and is out doing something most evenings and weekends. There are still a few nasty bullies children but generally youngsters are far more accepting than many adults. I hope things get easier for you and your wee boy soon.

Yea, things are definitely better in secondary school when children control their own friendships, not their parents.

I’m so sorry to read this. My child also has autism and is constantly left out. There are hardly any boys in his class which I thought was a good thing, but in actual fact it just makes his exclusion from parties, playdates, etc even more obvious. Just last week one Mother uploaded a picture of a party and every boy in the class was there apart from my son. He does play with these children at school which makes it even more frustrating.

Even someone who I would have considered as a very good friend hasn’t been in touch at all since he was diagnosed (over a year ago) when before we’d have playdates all the time. Obviously I don’t consider her as one anymore.

The worst thing is is my son, whilst a little ‘quirky’ is the most placid child you could meet. He’s now getting to an age where he’s aware of being left out and it’s awful to see his disappointment when I have to gently tell him he wasn’t invited to X’s party.

However, it has made me realise who our real friends are and how kind and good some people can be. I’m afraid in our experience it is a reoccurring thing but the sting does get less as time goes on. One thing we have done which might be worth looking into is joining a local autism support group. Our one arranges coffee mornings and activities for the children which our son loves going to and it’s good to speak to parents in the same boat whilst giving him a chance to meet children outside of school.

Hope you feel better soon

I have had a parent come up and explain to me why they didn't invite my autistic child to their sons party... they didn't think he'd enjoy it! They didn't ask him of course!
I'm on friendly terms with the parent in question which I think makes it worse. The children aren't close friends and I wouldn't have been particularly upset if he hadn't been invited (it wasn't a whole class party) but the reason he wasn't invited was clearly because he is autistic which is upsetting.
As it happens he has since struggled at a couple of parties and has declined some invites so they are correct he sometimes doesn't enjoy parties! However we still love getting an invite though!!

At least you're honest about your views on disabled children. That's more than OP's mum friend.

We excluded a child from a joint 2nd birthday party. She was going through a biting phase and the two birthday children had reached the point they burst in to tears at the sight of her; her parents never intervened until she’d really hurt someone.

We rang her mum and explained that while we didn’t think it was fair on the birthday kids to inviter her while they were struggling around her, we recognised this was just a phase and would soon pass. And invited her to the Christmas party a few months on.

If the birthday child was distressed by your son’s meltdown, I can understand not inviting him. But if that wasn’t the case, I think it’s very sad.

Fortunately, at 2 they don’t know about parties and stuff, so it’s more of a hurt for you than for him. I’m sorry she wasn’t a better friend.

You mentioned your son had a big meltdown last time you were out together, how did the other child react? Was he frightened or did he not react? Was there anything in her reaction to that which could give a clue to her not inviting your son?

I knew from the first few minutes there was something going with my son and when he was 8 months old I told my friend - I’ve heard about this condition called autism and I think he’s autistic. And he is. And he’s now in his 30’s.

I think some posters are being waaaaaay too kind to this other mother.

She just didn’t want a potentially disruptive little toddler with autism at her party so deliberately excluded him and hid it from the OP. That’s shit and not the action of a friend.

This ❤

Cannot understand this at all, OP. Never ceases to amaze me how many people lack compassion or even a basic standard of fairness.

it is not for your friend to decide whether the party would overwhelm your DS.

I’d ask her or ditch her. Sorry, OP. X

I remember taking my son, who was later diagnosed with autism, to a birthday party in a church hall. The parents were in fancy dress, they'd put a lot of effort in. The only thing that interested my son was the radiator. The only other child there who wouldn't join in was later diagnosed with autism too.

Sad as it is, she doesn't want your son there and I don't blame her. There's no guarantee that if she asked, and you said he'd be fine, that he wouldn't have a huge meltdown again.

She wants her child's party to be trouble free, and as they're only 2, nobody will be any the wiser.

Who are all these rude people skipping out on reciprocal invites?

Your son will never remember he didn't go and you know she's not as close a friend as you thought.

My son has autism and adhd and was non verbal until he was 10. He was invited to every single party of the kids in his mainstream primary school and they came to his parties. Some of you just know some mean people.

Well apparently good manners go out the window when it comes to neurodivergent children according to several posters here who think it's perfectly acceptable to exclude them.

Two year olds don’t really have relationships do they? They get made by their parents to play next to each other but don’t usually interact much. If your child melted down and she witnessed it I can understand her reticence to invite your DS, as she probably has assumed it will impact negatively on her child’s birthday. She could have asked you, I agree. There was an autistic non verbal child in my DDs class in infants who never got invited to parties. I only saw him at one once I think. In hindsight it was mean to exclude him but by that age I was playing per head and was culling anyone DD wasn’t friends with. I guess what I’m saying, is that it is somewhat natural to put your kids needs first on their birthday, and that will always exclude someone. I get that feels horrible for you but your DS will be none the wiser and hopefully he will find his tribe as he gets older.