My little boy not invited to friend's party, feeling upset

[NCbcosouting]

NC for this one.

I have a friend who I'm close with, we've been on days out together with the little ones and her son came to my son's birthday party. We speak quite a lot and I thought DS and her little boy got on really well. They're both 2.

Last time we went out together my son, who is autistic and non-verbal, had a big meltdown due to sensory overload, in front of my friend and her DS.

I've just found out via social media that my friend had a big party planned for her DS's birthday, and my son wasn't invited. It wasn't just family but friends too, and I'm feeling really hurt. Not for myself but for my DS.

This is the second birthday party he has not been invited to despite the other children coming to my son's birthday party, and I know DS is too young to understand but it is breaking my heart.

I know my DS can be a handful but he is the most affectionate little boy ever and really enjoys being around other children.

I can't help but worry that this is going to be a reoccurring thing as he gets older and starts to understand.

My own brother is autistic and had a really difficult time in school and was bullied badly, children isolated him because of his autism, and I know that I shouldn't think too far ahead because times change and things will be different, but my heart is hurting already with just not being invited.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post but I just need a bit of a handhold.

Haven’t RTFT but just to say my NT child’s best friend is autistic, who is well supported by the school. He is accepted and invited to things.

Your friend hasn’t dealt with this well at all - hurtful Can you talk to her?

All she needed to do was ask how to make it work. That’s all. Not exclude. Just ask.

@MidCenturyClegs I’m sorry that you’ve struggled to get a diagnosis but that’s not been the experience for our family, many children are diagnosed at a very early age. Frankly you don’t have to believe me, but please don’t put your experiences on mine when you have no idea what we have been through. I haven’t ‘self-diagnosed’ my child at all, not everyone’s experiences are the same.

Of course it’s possible to have a diagnosis for autism before mid teens! My two oldest were referred for assessment at two and both were diagnosed formally at three.

I really feel for you here. I’m resigned to the fact that dd will probably never receive a birthday invitation. Luckily ds is ‘popular’ despite his diagnosis but I still get that knot in my stomach when I hear school parents talking about birthday invitations. My mind instantly goes to ‘will this be the day he’s not invited to a whole class party’. The worst part is in dd’s case they would be right to be wary of inviting her and she probably wouldn’t cope but it would be nice to be thought of for once.

It's not disablist. She just didn't want your ds to be overwhelmed and have a meltdown at her son's birthday party.
I'm afraid op is going to have to accept that she'll experience this more and more throughout primary.

Yes it is. She's excluding the OP's child not because her child doesn't like him, but because he's autistic.

I cannot tell you the number of NT children I've had in my house over the years who've had tantrums. It's what kids do. I still invited them back.

If you didn't invite 2 years olds who'd had tantrums to your 2 year old's party, there'd be zero guests.

@MidCenturyClegs my dd was diagnosed at 9 by the NHS. And that's early for a girl presenting with what used to be called High Functioning Autism. Boys presenting with what used to be called Low Functioning Autism can get diagnosed at a younger age.

My chest tighten reading this.

You poor pet.

Why do people have to be so thoughtless when a little kindness would mean so much.

Your son won't remember this but you will.
She is not someone to rely on.
She has behaved appallingly.

Unfortunately I would not want my child as a convience for her son.

I think it is very important to seek out parents with similar challenges.
You need support.

Wishing you and your precious boy the best.

Sounds like you’re not as close friends as you thought you are? If they were older then yes I could see that maybe she was excluding him due to his autism but at 2 all the party attendees are at risk of meltdown and causing disruption to the festivities!

Agree with PP that 2yr olds don’t have friends, they have mums who are friends with other mums with 2yr olds. It’s not like he’s 8 and all the class has been invited and he hasn’t, the 2yr old didn’t chose the guest list, the mum chose the other mums who she likes the best!

Feeling angry on your behalf OP. Why can't mums be helpful and supportive of other mums? You'd think she would have made a point of inviting you and your little boy if she's aware he has some difficulties (and I'm assuming she does), to help him and you.

Nasty selfish behaviour.

My theory is that a LOT of parents ascribe their own child’s neurotypical behaviour to their stellar parenting and if they see a child with different behaviour that they find difficult they avoid the parent because they’re clearly a bit shit.

I’m sorry but it is possible to diagnose autism in a young child. In fact my son was only 8 months old when I first said, I think DS is autistic. And he is. But as far from HF as it’s possible to get.

Does diagnosing autism rely on lots and lots of tests? No.

Can it take a long time to diagnose? If there are waiting lists then probably yes but even then once in the system the diagnosis can then follow quite quickly and all the more so if the person doing the diagnosis is good at what they are doing.

Your DD - girls are very good at masking their autism and all the more so if they are HF. They are also in the minority when it comes to an autism diagnosis as more boys are autistic than girls. The figure used to be 4-1 and I’ve no idea of what it is now.

Girls/women who are on the spectrum - they can present so differently to boys/men who are on the spectrum that it has been suggested they should have a different diagnostic criteria to males.

It’s also beneficial to females who are on the spectrum that they are diagnosed by someone whom specializes in diagnosing females.

I can see you’re very upset but your reply to the other poster isn’t right. And I just wanted to add that nowadays one of the first concerns regarding a child possibly being on the spectrum would be ‘not responding to their name by 12 months of age’.

Maybe you could do some reading on how Autism can present differently in women/girls and use what you learn to try and help your daughters case with CAMHS. Googling something like ‘diagnosing teenage girls with autism difficult’ would give you loads of places to start with.

Im really sorry things are so hard for your girl.

I’m really sorry that the system has been so shit for you. My six year old has a dx, which they got age 5 and my 9 year old is still waiting (although assessment has finally come up)

I think sometimes it’s pot luck about which services you come into contact with and when. My youngest went through a different service (SALT) and ended up on a different pathway, hence being identified at a younger age and put into the system quicker (she still waited 2 years for her dx).

I’m sorry your experience has been shit and I expect it’s different for different counties too. It doesn’t mean OP’s isn’t right though.

Mariposista
My guess is the same as several PP, that mum knows that the party is almost certain to bring on a tantrum (which obviously isn't your kid's fault, but it's inevitable due to the environment) and she wants to avoid that on her child's special day, either because it frightens the other children or detracts the attention from the birthday child. It is hard for you to swallow though. At least at this age your son will be unaware, and as he gets older he will find his own way friendship wise. Many autistic kids go on to have good friendships later on - some aren't the most sociable people out but they aren't doomed to being alone.

Urgh, dripping with prejudice 🤢 & that is not okay

& your friend is no friend & not a nice person either OP.

She has the perfect opportunity to teach her DC compassion & understanding for others & disability & she swerved it as it's clearly not as important to her as a "perfect" party. The decision as to whether your DS would cope or not should have been yours. We never excluded any SN kids ever, but made sure their DPs were aware of any program, so they could preempt/manage any issues & expected them to stay. All our friendship group did that & friend with DS with DS credits her DSs confidence & can do attitude to this, as he was always included & never made to feel not good enough. He's just finished college with qualifications & has a dream job offer already. Your friend is a bitch

@JellyBellyNelly you say They are also in the minority when it comes to an autism diagnosis as more boys are autistic than girls
You don't know this. More boys are diagnosed but there are plenty of undiagnosed women and girls. Does this even it up between the sexes? We can't know.

My guess is the same as several PP, that mum knows that the party is almost certain to bring on a tantrum

A tantrum 🤣🤣🤣

Don't talk bollocks, my son was easily diagnosed by 2yo.

“The bigger person invites them over to a smaller setting or TELLS the mum that they’re having a big do and are worried it would be too much? And actually ASK…

I’d end the friendship over this.”

^This. I couldn’t be friends with her anymore

Big hugs @NCbcosouting . I adopted a child who is autistic and the amount of exclusion I witnessed for the first time was staggering. It is painful and sadly seen as acceptable with people excusing it as it would be too much etc.

Recently held a party for another one of my dc and emailed all the parents asking what we could do to help accommodate their dc's needs, whether visible or invisible including allergies, sensory needs etc. The amount of parents who emailed me to express their thanks, some even teary, was very sad. So many dc have been excluded simply b/c they aren't 'typical'. We had 4 autistic kids at this small party and it was brilliant. One needed a bit more support, but we did it. A parent came up to me after and said this is how parties and life should be.

I say this not for compliments, but to show there is a way. We aren't a high income family, we didn't have limitless resources, but with thought it was possible to make it possible for every child to be included. Hoping your dc has people who want to include him too. I can't change what my autistic dc experienced in life, but can make sure we aren't adding more loss to others.

I'm sorry OP.
She may have thought the party would be too much for your DS, but that wasn't her decision to make. As a friend, she could have explained to you what the party would involve, and given you the option to consider if it would be too much for your DS. If you planned to bring him, then she could have discussed how to make it easier for you - planned with you a 'get out', and how she could help, as a host, if it did get too much, and your DS had a meltdown.

She wasn't willing to consider accommodations for you, as your DS is an inconvenience. She is no friend.

I really am so sorry that you've been treated like this.

It might have been a clumsy way of trying to be kind and not overwhelming your DS.

Maybe test the water with a “I hope the party goes/went well. It was thoughtful of you not to invite DS, he might have been a bit overwhelmed. Maybe next year he’ll be a bit more able to cope.” And see what her reaction is.

Yes. I know. And I did think of saying so but then decided against it and stuck to what I knew from the last time it came up in my life.

When my son was little (he’s now a grown man) the figure was 4-1 but I knew that had probably changed. However, I think what I was explaining about women and girls on the spectrum to the other poster was very clear.

😂I take it you have never actually met a 2 year old then? They're generally very very verbal indeed!

There are plenty of children in primary schools with diagnoses, currently we have a couple in Reception/Y1 in my school. It's not often they come to school already with a diagnosis, but it does happen.

Sadly some shallow parents only want their kids to be friends with the impeccably behaved/ completely neurotypical/ high achieving/popular kids.I've just had issues with being ghosted by a long term mum friend and I have my suspicions that it's because of wanting to break up my DD and her DD's friendship.DD is currently being assessed for ADHD (not that she knows that) and struggles abit with her social presentation sometimes.I'm not aware anything that bad has happened or I think the school would have said, but I've asked her of everything was OK and she just ignored the message.

People like that aren't worth your time and worry OP, it's heartbreaking for your child and frustrating for you, I totally get that, but sadly some people just aren't very nice and best avoided. Xx