My little boy not invited to friend's party, feeling upset

[NCbcosouting]

NC for this one.

I have a friend who I'm close with, we've been on days out together with the little ones and her son came to my son's birthday party. We speak quite a lot and I thought DS and her little boy got on really well. They're both 2.

Last time we went out together my son, who is autistic and non-verbal, had a big meltdown due to sensory overload, in front of my friend and her DS.

I've just found out via social media that my friend had a big party planned for her DS's birthday, and my son wasn't invited. It wasn't just family but friends too, and I'm feeling really hurt. Not for myself but for my DS.

This is the second birthday party he has not been invited to despite the other children coming to my son's birthday party, and I know DS is too young to understand but it is breaking my heart.

I know my DS can be a handful but he is the most affectionate little boy ever and really enjoys being around other children.

I can't help but worry that this is going to be a reoccurring thing as he gets older and starts to understand.

My own brother is autistic and had a really difficult time in school and was bullied badly, children isolated him because of his autism, and I know that I shouldn't think too far ahead because times change and things will be different, but my heart is hurting already with just not being invited.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this post but I just need a bit of a handhold.

Id end the friendship over this tbh, she’s been nasty and maybe it is ignorance but honestly they’re 2 and it’s a kids birthday party. You sound like a wonderful mum I’m not surprised you feel hurt by her actions. If you want to call her out on it and feel ballsy you could ring her and ask outright why your son hasn’t been invited. If you don’t want to do that I’d probably just not contact her again and if she harassed me in future I’d send a message to say how hurt you were by her actions and no longer wish to be friends with someone so unkind over a two year olds birthday party. Hugs xxx

Second this.... highly doubt its because mum of the birthday boy wants to spare op's son from 'sensory overload' , more she wants the party to go a certain way and not be disrupted 🙄

I would ask her directly why he's not invited and see her response. At 2 its not like they have specific best mates its usually just a chaotic mass of kids running about and reciprocal invitations are important.

So what you're saying @Spudina is that children that age don't really have friends so it's their parents who invite the children of other parents they like. Unless that child is autistic, in which case it's acceptable to not invite them. And their parents should understand that other parents don't really want their disabled freak around their lovely NT kids.

Gotcha

@Clymene sounds harsh I know but I’m a realist (and too hot bothered and knackered today to sugar coat it). My kids “friends” at 2 were kids of Mums is befriended at playgroups. Actually 8 years later they are still properly friends, but at the age of 2 they didn’t get any say about it. I was so sick with depression that i socialised with friends I’d made (frankly I was lucky anyone would have me cos I was no fun) for my own sanity and the kids were dragged to soft play. They happened to be NT.
I was as guilty as the other 30 parents for not inviting the non verbal child to DDs parties because they were never whole class ones (where I wouldn’t have excluded him) but pay £10 a head activities, and DD got to choose a handful of close friends. I’m now friends with the Mum of that child and look back and think we all could have done better. But you live and learn.

I am genuinely struggling to understand how anyone can be as lacking in empathy as @Spudina, and I thought I was past being shocked by anything now.

Get better friends!

What's with all the "fuck them" hostility here! In some ways its no wonder that those few posters have lost friends.

On the subject, this is painful and I can see why you feel uneasy about this. At the same time, I can imagine that she is simply trying to spare your child a melt-down and distress in a situation that IS going to be noisy and boisterous.

That said, I'd have just mentioned it to you and explained and/or seen if there was anything that could be done to mitigate the impact if he were to attend.

I suspect she is not very thoughtful and completely misunderstands how this may feel. People are often so caught up in their own lives that they fail to see what we would assume are basic things - like considering invites etc. Most people aren't malicious, they just don't think and aren't all that mindful.

I'd just tell her what you feel. She is likely oblivious.

Clymene are you tis aggressive and rude in real life or just online.

Going by that logic, why is she having any two year olds there?

How is that PP rude when they're basically just summing up what other posters are saying on this thread?

i have found this hard over the years to deal with and didn’t do well by my own child. A previous friend of mines DD would have sensory issues which would appear in the form of aggression. Because of her autism i told my DD repeatedly her friend didn’t mean it. We went most places together and gradually the behaviour became more volatile and I continued to tell DD she could try walking away to give her friend to calm down. My friend commented on how patient DD was with her daughter, I found DD crying saying she couldn’t do it anymore and she was sorry but it made her feel bad about herself. Thinking back nothing was ever said to de-escalate, DD was told just to walk away and that her friend didn’t mean it. At no point did I consider how my DD felt , I was so focussed on how hard things were for my friend. I tried to broach the subject and it didn’t go well. DD has been much happier since we stopped spending so much time together. So I guess it depends on the situation as to the best way to deal with it. It doesn’t mean people are hateful, I was at a loss as to how to help everyone.

Good point.

Aren't most 2 year olds non-verbal? And in the U.K. you're very hard pressed to have a diagnosis for autism until mid-teens (wait lists etc). So I don't get it.

Exactly, doesn’t explain why it’s only disabled children she wants excluded

@MidCenturyClegs No most two-year-olds apparently aren’t non-verbal but I’m not an expert. And I guess we were lucky and had a lot of back up. I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.

Two year olds have melt downs all the time. I'm gutted for you OP, your darling son clearly won't understand and you probably won't be able to shake the exclusion. Move on quietly, make new friends, you sound lovely.

@Infradoug I’m not articulating myself clearly. If you met me in to you wouldn’t think I was lacking in empathy. I could go round in circles trying to express it better.
OP, she’s your friend and excluded your kid without talking to you. In your shoes I’d be upset. Hopefully when DS gets to school you will widen your circle to people who are more inclusive.

In person... arrggh predicted text

Im thinking this as well. Up to that point she was meeting up with the op. Maybe she was worried about this happening on her ds birthday and upsetting him. She should at least reply to op message though.

Was so sad to read your post as it brought back memories of my oldest son who was excluded from so many birthday parties due to his autism and accompanying "quirky" behaviour. I worried a great deal that he would never make any friends etc. Things changed when he moved to secondary school and found his tribe. It's really tough to see your child being excluded but things will get better. Hang in there.

I'm angry.

I'm angry that 15 years on from my child being the OP's, there are still people who think it's perfectly acceptable to exclude a disabled child.

I cannot tell you the appalling impact this kind of casual ableism has had on my autistic child's mental health. Or how isolating it has been for us as a family.

And yes I do call it out in real life too. After all, anyone who thinks it's okay to be so casually disablist isn't someone I want anything to do with.

Luckily, I have exceptional friends.

That at 15 years old my DD is still being told by CAMHS / the Trust that does the tests - that she can't have an assessment for autism even though her school have referred her twice. If the wait list is at least 2 years then have you had your 2 year old on a wait list since a baby?

An autism diagnosis relies on lots and lots of tests as well.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is - I do not believe you have had your child diagnosed with autism. If you've diagnosed yourself because of family history then ok, but please don't just say "they're autistic". My child is struggling through and probably failing GCSEs, a diagnosis would have given her a chance to sit them in a quiet room with maybe 15 minutes extra time.

@Clymene "Luckily, I have exceptional friends."

Yes, me too. I am furious.. I have to hide it often though.

@MidCenturyClegs my DS was diagnosed at age 4 and the two other ASD children in his class had been diagnosed at age 2

I don't think I'd be able to forgive that. She could have at least spoken to you about it in advance.

She doesn't sound like a good friend at all.