To feel sad/annoyed by the lack of dads on the class Whatsapp group

[fremsley]

My daughter is starting reception in September and a Whatsapp group chat for her class had already been created. The membership consists entirely of mums, with the exception of my husband and (as far as I can tell) one other dad. Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads. The current nursery group chat is the same. I must admit, I find myself feeling irritated, disappointed and quite sad that things are this way in 2022. Seems to be a lot pressure on mums to manage this side of things. It feels uncomfortable to me. AIBU? What is your view of dads in these groups?

Also, I would be interested to hear others' experiences of class Whatsapp groups in general: do you think 'no dads' is the norm? If you are in one, are there any dads in yours? What kind of area do you live in (e.g. city/small town/rural)? Asking that last question because this is a small village school and I am very curious to know whether schools in more rural locations are more 'traditional' in comparison to cities. A friend who lives in a city known for its liberalness told me there are dads in her class group chat.

Yes, I am very aware of the irony that I am posting this on a website called MUMSnet!

We’re London zone 2, state primary. It all seems to be pretty equal, plenty of Dads at pick up/drop off/plays/sports days etc. Of the families we know the child-related mental load seems roughly evenly distributed across both parents unless one is a SAHP or works part time (which is v rare in our circle).

If it's a group for the class, I don't see how it's cliquey? Maybe some are dramatic. Ours is quite innocuous. Also helpful for mundane things like such and such road is flooded or school trip coach delayed. Handy to have phone numbers too to arrange play dates etc. People can be as active or inactive on it as they like, or not join. As a blunt tool it seems to work.

Yes there is that! All this talk of " breaking in" I kean it all hinges on hour expectations. I stick to relevant school related stuff not that there's any personal chat anyway.

But this seems to be a very male thing. Join something with already a pre conceived notion they won't be welcome, then expect everyone to change how they do things to accommodate their fragile ego then moan when that doesn't happen.

When they really could set up something themselves like the others did. Nothing is stopping them.but it's always a womans fault there's zero personal responsibility

@Whatwouldscullydo agreed. There’s no need for snobbery and people looking down their nose on this thread about the women that choose to utilise WhatsApp groups. Sometimes I’m having a good week and I’m on top of stuff so I’m the mum that spots something not everyone will have noticed and I’ll post it and it benefits someone who maybe has been up all night with a baby, has a sick elderly relative, and a demanding week at work. Sometimes it’s the other way around. Neither person is a better parent than the other.

I'm a Dad you does the majority of childcare. I wasn't invited to join the WhatsApp group (Dad's are around 25% of parents each day but I don't think any are on it) and it took a long time before many of the mums would speak to me much.

I think two things are going on:

Some mums really don't want to interact with the dad's, e.g. my wife joined a few of us parents on the park and was immediately invited on a mums pub crawl.

Dads often keep to themselves and aren't as interested in joining stuff like that. For me that isn't about mental load- I am happy to ask if I don't know something and the group does seem a little gossipy for my taste.

My DH does most school picks ups but he has never felt the need to be on a whatsapp group or be part of a parent crowd, although he has made friends through a predominantly Dad's football club. Maybe mums probably feel more of a need to be social and have more FOMO than Dads so join the whatsapps? But that's just based on me and DH.

If you are expecting personalised interactions with a metaphorical pat on the back for being a dad then you aren't gonna get that.

Bit of an unnecessary dig there. Certainly from my observations it is other women who can't help but heap praise on a dad for doing basic day to day parent stuff that most folk would not bat an eyelid at.

Also, for some of the talk on here about 'mansplaining' some mums can't help but assume a default 'he must be a useless parent' position when dealing with dads before offering unsolicited patronsing advise on basic childcare.

I know this might seem inconceivable to some. But some parents get on and enjoy making friends at the school gates. WhatsApp groups help facilitate this. This isn't obviously everyone's cup of tea. And some want to 'run a mile' at the thought of new friendships.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I can't see that it matters which parent is in the group.

I agree with the Dad pp about parent nights out though. I am the one invited on those (although not all the time) despite DH bring the one at the gates.

Ah interesting. I do get the general impression that cities (or at least certain parts of certain cities) are more progressive in this regard.

@donquixotedelamancha from my own perspective I avoid interacting with dads on social media or even in person. I’m very wary of men in general for a variety of reasons and I don’t think that’s uncommon tbh.

Nothing is stopping them.but it's always a womans fault there's zero personal responsibility

There was a massive fuss at the other primary school locally when a group of Dads did that.

The HT had to step in and tell a few parents to be very careful when they started with shit like “I mean, why is this group of men trying to arranging days out with children?!” completely ignoring it was a bunch of Dads taking their kids to soft play together rather than an online bunch of child abusers planning to steal away a group of kids.

DH does as much as I do in regards to drop offs, pick ups, packing bag, checking for letters and booking time off for assemblies and parents evenings etc; but has absolutely zero interest in anything like a class WhatsApp group. I expect to many men (and women) it sounds like hell. Not saying it isn't mums that do the majority as it invariably is but just that a group doesn't represent who does what.

If school comms are good, then maybe you don’t need a WhatsApp group.

Our school comms are terrible (an A4 calendar with “Enterprise Week” on it later in the term does not inform me that I need to send DS in with money on the Thursday of that week because they have been making things to sell to each other. “Sports Day” on the calendar does not tell me there are teams and your child needs to attend in a tshirt in the colours of that team). The school expects the children to verbally relay messages, which is not realistic for a four year old.

Parents with kids in older classes know the routine because their kids have already been through it. For those of us new to the school, having other people to walk you through what is expected is really helpful.

And yes it is a godsend for parties and play dates if you don’t meet the other parents at pickup (ie if your children are in ASC and theirs aren’t, or vice versa).

To make the parents who can't afford/attend/want to be invloved in school events feel like shit parents.

To try to shame working parents for being busy/forgetting about important dates

To slyly comment on childrens' behaviour in the class without mentioning names whilst also making sure everyone knows who you mean.

To help the one parent who considers themselves the "leader" establish whom they want in the "real" class whatsapp group where they can then talk about the other non invited parents.

My DH was on one with DSC. He came off it.

The drama was too much drama.

What a load of paranoid bollocks!! Its not all about you.

And I find it sad as it's such a simple thing they could be involved in even if they are working FT and the mum is PT for example.

But it’s one of the crap jobs! If our roles were reversed, I’d be delighted not to be on the WhatsApp group and have someone filter it and just tell me the interesting bits. It only takes one parent and is far rather my DH was involved with them in terms of homework, development etc than this sort practical tedium.

I think there are one or two Dads on our group. One of them ran in tandem with his wife and I found them particularly irritating as they seemed to live out a large part of their marriage on there:

”Oh, Paul’s so good at that sort of thing. He should definitely do it.”
”Oh, too kind, Sarah. But then that’s why I married you…..”

Irritating as hell!

There's a few men in ours, but they rarely add anything and are significantly outnumbered by women.

Thankfully there isn't any drama in our groups and they are mostly used for reuniting lost property.

I do roll my eyes a bit at the person who has recently taken it upon themselves to screenshot communication from the school and share it in the group. I don't need the same information twice each time!

I refused to join again after I got added and then removed myself.

If I forget something, tough. I won’t be embroiled in the absolute tripe that spewed forth daily, which ranged from tinkly little reminders about parental ‘support’ that was apparently essential for whatever non-event was being held, to straight-up oneupmanship from a select few braggers.

My kid is in nursery. NURSERY.

Fuck that noise.

Incidentally there was men and women. No idea of ratios. It was the same old voices each time anyway.

'I know this might seem inconceivable to some. But some parents get on and enjoy making friends at the school gates. WhatsApp groups help facilitate this. This isn't obviously everyone's cup of tea. And some want to 'run a mile' at the thought of new friendships.'

I don't think that not joining a WhatsApp group means new friendships can't be formed. There isn't a whatsapp group for my child's year group and some wouldn't want to be part of one if it did exist (myself included). It doesn't mean parents aren't speaking to each other at the gates or swapping numbers personally for parties etc.

Dad here!
I joined our class WhatsApp group and left after about two weeks. The posts were roughly:

• 75% ‘someone’s stolen my son’s jacket’ (followed by a sheepish ‘he left it at a friend’s)
• 15% ‘have you heard about that teacher? I think she’s no good’-style shit stirring.
• 8% ‘do we need a water bottle for the school trip?’ (Aka ‘I couldn’t be bothered to find the original email’)
• 2% MLM schemes.

Not all are like this. And I reckon that dads should def get more involved in school (it can be very rewarding) But I think doing pick-up/drop-off/doing parent’s evening etc can be a more efficient way to get involved than tuning into a nightmare soap opera based on a handful of parent’s neuroses.

Ours are still in nursery, but DP and I won't be joining any parent WhatsApp groups for school.
The kids will fully participate in all the events, trips, etc. they want to, but I'm assuming the school will tell us about them and we won't have to rely on other parents sharing this information. Neither of us is interested in making friends at the school gates so a WhatsApp group would just be something for us to mute and ignore.