To feel sad/annoyed by the lack of dads on the class Whatsapp group

[fremsley]

My daughter is starting reception in September and a Whatsapp group chat for her class had already been created. The membership consists entirely of mums, with the exception of my husband and (as far as I can tell) one other dad. Certainly the only active contributors are mums. My husband wants to be involved as he is very hands-on, but we both feel awkward about the lack of dads. The current nursery group chat is the same. I must admit, I find myself feeling irritated, disappointed and quite sad that things are this way in 2022. Seems to be a lot pressure on mums to manage this side of things. It feels uncomfortable to me. AIBU? What is your view of dads in these groups?

Also, I would be interested to hear others' experiences of class Whatsapp groups in general: do you think 'no dads' is the norm? If you are in one, are there any dads in yours? What kind of area do you live in (e.g. city/small town/rural)? Asking that last question because this is a small village school and I am very curious to know whether schools in more rural locations are more 'traditional' in comparison to cities. A friend who lives in a city known for its liberalness told me there are dads in her class group chat.

Yes, I am very aware of the irony that I am posting this on a website called MUMSnet!

WhatsApp groups fall into two camps in my experience - brilliantly helpful or an absolute pain in the arse.

Currently DD4’s school one is super helpful. She goes to a SEN school and goes by taxi so we don’t see teachers or school staff every day, the school communication isn’t great, but one parent who lives very close is fab at popping in to clarify stuff and letting us all know. Means we don’t all have to phone the school. It’s also been a great way of organising play dates and the likes when we don’t all see each other.

DD3’s is currently a pain in the arse because of one of the parents on it.

'Your school tells you that another parent found your kids jumper in their bag, as soon as its found? That's, um, impressive. Your school organises the teacher present for you? Your school chats about homework?'

I don't think so. You school doesn't communicate any of the things I mentioned.*'
@CupidStunt22

My child is only in reception so yes the teacher does. They have a lost property box and are very thorough to be honest. My child's jumper is labelled and i have spares so if any issues the parent would hand it back next day. I organise my own teachers gift as do the other parents as everyone spends different amounts depensinf on what what can affprd and some don't buy at all, so no pressure. I don't personally have a need for a WhatsApp group (at this moment in time) nor do the parents at school hence there not being one. You have a need for one and that is absolutely fine.😀

depending *

Yes I remember that from my children's primary school days

DH isn’t allowed on ours as he’s a governor.

there’s a couple of other dads. Notably it’s the dads with English as a second language that are absent. There’s plenty of them around at pick up though.

Inner city, technically deprived area, but all our Primaries are outstanding.

We don't have a WhatsApp group but the parents of 11yo ds's classmates have a Facebook group. Vast majority are the mothers. There are two men, one of which is my dh.

I'm not in any groups relating to my youngest. She hasn't formed any friendships and is neurodiverse so I'm isolated as a result. Which is another inclusivity issue.

I agree with pp about mental load. Dh will happily do 50% of everything and not complain, but it's me that keeps a log of when our cm is on leave and asks him to sit down and plan cover with me. I make and keep all their school related or medical appointments etc etc. Life admin like this is still very much 'wife work' even in more egalitarian relationships, like mine.

So op, I get what you're saying and I was really, really surprised when I hit 'yanbu' and found myself in a minority.

I'm more puzzled by the need for a class Whatsapp group. What's the point of it?

I guess you could say that about any whatsapp group really.

There are only a couple of dad's on ours (including my DH) which i've always though was a shame too.

I'm a governor so don't get involved if it all gets a bit controversial!

No class needs a WhatsApp group. As a mum I'd run a mile from any such silly groups that anyone tried to set up. Usually it's the class busybody who starts these and anyone with that attitude can go to hell as far as I'm concerned. Men are right to stay away from such cliquey stuff.

Any vital information will be provided by the school. Not someone else's mother.

@rwalker I'd hope that's changed a lot, but suspect it hasn't changed as much as it needs to. It doesn't seem to be the case on our group, but I've seen posts on MN about SAHDs being left out in playgroups etc which is pretty shitty. Someone suggested doing a dads' night out but think they wanted the mums to arrange it, rather than just arranging it themselves.

This 👏👏👏

I don't want to give data to Mark Zuckerberg's empire and so would not take part in any such group.

However, I wonder if what the OP describes is indicative of a presumption that mums make all the decisions, engage with the school, not dads? Even when accepting that there will be lone parents (usually mums), still does not absolve all dads from involvement.

The WhatsApp group is useful because it:

• reminds you of crucial things like sports day on the morning before school, when the email / text / newsletter might have been weeks ago


• tells new parents what the ‘standard thing’ is, so their child doesn’t feel left out (eg on non uniform days, most boys go in football kits)


• provides a way to look for lost hats / water bottles / uniform that may have gone home to the wrong house


• means you have contact details to arrange play dates or birthday parties


• cascades information (so one parent went to the PGL talk, and wrote it up for other parents who couldn’t go as it clashed with work)

It is purely practical, no drama, in my experience.

Almost all the dads are in our class Whatsapp groups and I wouldn’t say there’s a difference in levels of participation either, about a third of both mums and dads interact on there and the rest are mostly silent.

Ours ended up with an argument and asylum seekers once, also the head teacher calling people in for meetings as someone reported back stuff being said about the school was wasn’t positive. Like a group of snitches, snakes and bat shittery.

The Facebook groups however for the very same school very calm and decent, one person screen shots an event or whatever and then posts it on the group. No chat just facts.

Sounds great! What kind of location are you in if you don't mind sharing (e.g. city/rural/market town)?

@AllPlayedOut Agreed! I'd hate to be involved in one.

Maybe the mothers don't include the fathers and that's why they aren't on it 🙄 I know if I was in a school.whatsapp group I wouldn't include my daughters father lol

I accept that, assuming the dads in question are managing to share the mental load effectively.

What I see is dads who want none of it because they don't consider that they need to sort out or be aware of school stuff.

My brother is a single parent and he generally found it quite tough to break into what he perceived as 'ringfenced' whatsapp groups, post drop off coffee chats and the like. While he certainly forged one to one friendships with his kids friends parents he was never really invited to the group stuff.

My husband and I are both on our kids WhatsApp groups. I'm LTFT, he is FT. He would like to be more involved and I am glad that I can be. We're in a small city, mixed catchment, state primary. Our groups include both parents, more mums though. Very helpful for reminders, upcoming events and connecting with other parents. It's not too active so not particularly distracting. Particularly helpful for COVID times and for those who work beyond the school day.

This thread is a strange mix of people either:

1. Bemoaning the fact that this kind of administrative work mainly falls to women (and this is a bad thing as it is important)


2. Pouring scorn on this kind of work because has no value - it is nonsense and irrelevant (how do you think we coped in the good old days??), it's just women making more work for themselves.

We only have two on one of ours and none on the others but yes a lot of dads do the school run now and a lot jump for any conversation about what’s happening around the school and to find out what’s going on. When I’ve mentioned about WhatsApp they said their wives were on it. I organise the youngest’ WhatsApp and yes invaluable for missing jumpers, reminders that school tours are on, days off are coming up, but more if there’s confusion over homework, also even more importantly we’ve had discussions over vulnerable children during Covid and a parent told us when her child developed an allergy and many people posted about their children having Covid. Nobody ever gets judgy or personal so we may be lucky there

My DH found that before we met. He was a widowed single father and found it difficult. People either wouldn’t include him at all, or included him and assumed he was incapable. It’s very bizarre.

It was also interesting how many people instantly defaulted to asking me child-related things about DS as soon as they knew we were together, even those who previously asked him/included him.

There is only one dad on ours and he’s a single parent with on involvement from mum.

Why not? Doesn't your dc's dad need it for the same reasons you do?

Since I don't think anyone is helping the mums to get added, and they sort this themselves, I sort of thing dads could, if they were inclined, do the same.

I don't think it's the kind of thing most blokes go for- and the ones that do often have a touch of Kevin from Motherland! I'm not keen on them