Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

I would say that it sounds more as if he was angry and frustrated by the child's behaviour, so "dealt with it" in an angry and frustrated way. It doesn't sound like setting calm boundaries to me.

Plus he has no right to set them anyway because, as I said earlier, he isn't the child's father or her stepfather. He is her mother's boyfriend who happens to be living with them at the moment. The OP has given no sense that this man is in any meaningful sense a step-parent. She and her daughter are the unit; this man is an outsider.

The relationship is doomed, really, as he is (understandably enough) going to continue to be pissed off by the OP and her daughter, and the OP is (understandably enough) going to be pissed off be his unpleasant attempts to deal with it. They would be better off calling it a day so that the OP can work with her daughter and try to solve some of these problems. But to do this, she needs to put her daughter's needs first in a constructive way, rather than in an unhelpfully indulgent way.

When he shouted at her, it was more of a stern, firm NO! rather than uncontrollable yelling. Not sure whether that makes it more acceptable but it’s certainly not my approach.

I agree that it wasn't his place to do it. It was yours. By all means ditch the boyfriend if you're not happy with how he is with your daughter. But... you are unable to say a stern, firm 'No!' to your child? No wonder she's behaving like she is!

This

When he shouted at her, it was more of a stern, firm NO! rather than uncontrollable yelling. Not sure whether that makes it more acceptable but it’s certainly not my approach. I’ve told him how disgusted I am and he’s apologetic and says he knows he’s messed up.

Has he? While it shouldn’t have come from him, a ‘firm no’ would have been useful quite some years ago.

Haven't read the full thread but personally, my almost 8 year old also needs me next to him as he falls asleep. Sometimes (more often than not) I sleep in his room.

My DH understands this and as frustrating as it is sometimes, he needs to feel safe and loved and we're ok with doing it this way for now.

I wouldn't be ok with my DP putting his hands on my child and shouting at them.

I wouldn't be ok with my child hitting but I would understand it (tiredness, frustration at DP etc).

Were I in your shoes, I'd be telling DP that I'll handle bedtime from now on and I'll be doing it in the best way I see fit, and if this isn't something he can support me with, he is free to go.

I appreciate not everyone would agree which is fair enough

Your DD's behaviour does seem very out of line for her age re hitting you. This is just simply not acceptable. I would find it hard to live in a house where such behaviour is tolerated.

I was one of the people who said I'd kill any man who laid his hands on my children - but I apologise if it has made you feel worse. For what it's worth, he has never done it before (or I'm assuming he hasn't), and you have asked him to leave for the night as a result of his behaviour. You've done absolutely the right thing there.

Your post suggests that you're inclined to catastrophise (and I have done this many, many times in the past, so I know how it feels). What you have got is a particular situation; you have sensibly realised that it can't carry on as it is. It's hard when you have been the only person there with your daughter, and if you're the type of person who doesn't like conflict (or "wet", as PP have said), it's not surprising that this dynamic has developed. But the very fact that you've posted on here means that you want to change it. Try to focus on the constructive comments - there's still plenty of time to turn this around before your DD turns into a teenager. But I honestly think the man is a big part of the problem, and you can't help your DD properly so long as he's in the picture.

Really? The issue is he being in her room not her poor parenting skills? Having to sit with an 8 year old till she falls asleep is ridiculous and she should not be accepting being hit and screamed at at all.

If she doesn’t want him involved in her daughters’s life then they should go their separate ways, if they are living together it means they should be parenting together not hr stay out of my daughters affairs. Seriously.

Disgusted because your partner told your daughter a firm no, because he was trying to help stop you being hit and shouted at by your child?

Seriously if I was him, having been asked to sleep elsewhere then I'd leave...permanently.

@KangarooKenny rhere is a difference between her daughter needing her and her daughter being spoilt.

shes 8 and should be able to put herself to sleep, expecting her mother to sit in the room with her till she sleeps is ridiculous and as her mother has confirmed she is not SEN so it’s just something her mother never curbed and now she is used to it. also there should be no tolerance for an 8 years hitting and screaming at her mother, none at all.

I do agree that they should separate if she is not willing to change the way she parents her daughter as this will only get worse, and the fact she has to put her relationship on hold because she babies an 8 year old shows how ridiculous the situation is. You see it as being there for her daughter, I see it as making this worse for her daughter by continuing to give in. What do you think will happen when she becomes a teenager?

It's not about blaming you for his behaviour, that's on him and not you but you do need to make sure nothing like that happens again.

I am stunned by how some posters talk about an 8 year old child. A few are apparently revelling in their contempt and intolerance. I hope it's online posturing to show how hard they are, and not how they would actually treat a child in their care.

The number of posts worried about how much this poor DP can possibly put up with would be laughable if there wasn't a little 8 year old girl who is apparently unable to cope with what is happening and her emotions, on the other side of it. A apparently distressed young child, and posters warning the OP that she'll 'lose her man' if she doesn't show her who's boss.

How do kids show that they're unhappy and unable to process what's happening in their lives? They can't start a thread on MN, and many don't have the emotional language to explain. Behaviour is a window into how they're feeling.

OP, you sound infinitely kinder and wiser than some on this thread, and I'm sure you will be selective about the advice you take.

Agree.

Fear is usually at the root of hitting etc.

Fear can be triggered by change, feeling out of control, in this instance it may be fear of being alone.

You say it's a new thing, it does seem quite unusual for a child that age to start hitting. I wonder what is happening for her?

You CAN be firm and set boundaries without shouting "no" at a child, it's not the ideal approach.

At the same time, no one is perfect, your DP is obviously and understandably frustrated with the situation.

I feel you need to sit down with your DD and have an open chat about a plan of action, listen to her worries, ideas and see how she proposes the problem is solved.

I don’t think his behaviour is ok - but you also need to examine yours as well. You made her into your companion fill an emotional void in your life. It’s confusing for her

You can't hand over editorial contol of your life to an eight year old !.

Sorry for making you feel worse. If it helps, the reason I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour is that I grew up in a house where mums boyfriend was violent and it had a significant impact on me. If DH and I separated I don't think I'd have a man living in the house until my children have moved out. So my position is quite extreme. You don't need to feel guilty, stressful situations like this are part of family life. I suppose it would be helpful to read some parenting books together and agree on an approach going forward - les by you and your wishes- if you do want him to be involved in parenting your daughter. But he can't swoop in and decide she can't have you at bedtime because he wants you more. Other posters might have had their children taking themselves off to bed since they could toddle but all children are different and yours needs you at that time of day and that's ok. You parent the way you want to OP and he can get on board with it, or not.

You may indeed be too soft on your daughter, but if you are, that’s your business. If he wants to DISCUSS it with you, that’s one thing. But for a man who is not her father to be grabbing her legs physically and shouting at her is completely unacceptable. Disgraceful behaviour from him.

Way to misinterpret what posters are saying.

The 8 year old DC behaviour isn't ok at all. OPs attitude to it isn't working in anyway.

The DP sees his partner being screamed at hit and kicked and the OP basically doing nothing. I'm sorry but there are very few people who would shrug their shoulders and say nothing to do with me and walk away whether they admit it on an anonymous forum or not.

He may not have dealt with it ideally as many have said, however some of the language used towards him by some posters is also not right. One so extreme it has been deleted.

This relationship and no other for that matter is going to work for the OP until her DD behaviour is addressed along with how the OP parents her.

Evidently, it wasn't a good idea to move your boyfriend in. Your daughter is not coping with the situation and hence is lashing out. You need to put your daughter first and live separately. Also it's totally inappropriate that he's in her bedroom dealing with bed time - she's your child fgs, it's your job to protect her and keep her safe.

Also I disagree with the whole "she's eight years old she can sleep on her own". A lot of adults don't like sleeping on their own, potentially OP included because she's moved her boyfriend in. Why should eight year olds be able to manage without support? Obviously, it's not always practical to bed share but you could be treating her with kindness. If he's not able to do that then he needs to get out.

Way to misinterpret what posters are saying

Wrong. The posters I am referring to are possibly different to the ones you have in mind. But you appear to have misinterpreted my post.

The 8 year old DC behaviour isn't ok at all. OPs attitude to it isn't working in anyway

I haven't suggested that the DC's behaviour is okay. Nor have I suggested that the OP ignore it. I have commented upthread that the OP needs to address DD's behaviour, but to do so with patience and kindness.

You can't hand over editorial contol of your life to an eight year old

If you were addressing me,
@Pyewhacket , you have misunderstood me. I don't think the eight year old should be in control of anything. However, I do think her mother needs to put her energy into sorting out her child's emotional and behavioural issues, and ridding herself of an unhelpful partner would be a very good start. The three of them living together isn't working for any of them.

The thing is this is something you have done and now you are stopping it because it suits you. It's unfair on her to drop it. There needs to be a gradual decrease. Say a few days in bed. Few days sat next to the bed. Few days on floor and by the door and in the door way until she is ok with u not being there.

I am.

Does he have to be an active paedophile before you find his actions toward DD "untoward" @Burgoo?

A man who invades his partner's child's bedroom because he is pissed off about how long & awkward their bedtime routine is, who shouts at her, manhandles & restrains her, & blanks her is most certainly untoward.

What kind of help were you looking for? Advice on how to deal with your daughter’s sleep?

Regardless of whether he agrees with your parenting or not, you're making massive changes to your DD's routine so it's not surprising that she's struggling to adjust. I don't think he should have been in her room, touched her legs or shouted at her. A relative stranger physically restraining her isn't good parenting. In fact, his actions were more likely to escalate it.
The fact he is now ignoring an 8yrold would be the final straw for me.