Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

No because her behaviour was challenging prior to this. Can’t you read?

Then why move anyone in before sorting out the reason's for the behaviour

Posters are. Just look at the last poster

I think YABU to expect any partner to put up with that and say nothing without getting frustrated, and I think any relationship will likely be doomed if that gets your back up.

DD has always always been a difficult sleeper, which is why I ended up letting her sleep with me. But this stopped well before my boyfriend moved in, so it’s not like I suddenly turfed her out of bed when he rocked up. There is absolutely no safeguarding issues here whatsoever and I would NEVER put a man before my child, hence why I’m posting here right now.

I’ve asked him to stay elsewhere tonight while I gather my thoughts. When he shouted at her, it was more of a stern, firm NO! rather than uncontrollable yelling. Not sure whether that makes it more acceptable but it’s certainly not my approach. I’ve told him how disgusted I am and he’s apologetic and says he knows he’s messed up.

I know that I need to sort the sleep issues out, as well as my relationship issues. DD will always come first

I’ve asked him to stay elsewhere tonight while I gather my thoughts. When he shouted at her, it was more of a stern, firm NO! rather than uncontrollable yelling. Not sure whether that makes it more acceptable but it’s certainly not my approach. I’ve told him how disgusted I am and he’s apologetic and says he knows he’s messed up.

Tbh OP as a step parent I would be furious if you were disgusted at me for a firm no. I would not be apologetic.

However a mother has posted that her boyfriend's behaviour to her 8 year old daughter does not sit well with her. She should be encouraged to listen to her gut feeling. Even if it is nothing she should NEVER ignore that feeling.

Instead she is being piled on, and her daughter's obvious distress is being blamed for the man's disturbing behaviour.

In fact, what is being directly said here is that the daughter needs to learn to behave herself and be quiet and polite when a man who is not related to her moves her legs and shouts at her. And it is all her fault because she is not quiet and polite.

So, I ask you, is that a safeguarding issue do you think?

Really a firm, stern no is totally reasonable if dd was shouting at you and hitting you!!

That is what you need to learn to do.

Poor guy. He was attempting to set boundaries that would actually help you as you can't control your child and now you have asked him to go. Maybe he will decide not to come back.

A firm no make you kick him out? Wow. No wonder she acts how she does. God help you once she’s a teenager.

Well, my children are a lot younger than yours, and I’ve never dealt with an 8 year old so I’m not sure what’s ‘typical’ behaviour for one, but 8 still seems pretty young to me. She had a bedtime routine that made her feel safe and secure and that’s been abruptly changed, with a new person in the house, so I don’t find it hugely surprising that she’s acting up? And I wouldn’t be at all happy if a man who wasn’t my children’s father shouted at them and physically manhandled them at bedtime.

He is not a stranger to the child. The mother says she has been in a relationship with him for 3 years. His behaviour was not disturbing. He was simply helping his partner who was unable to effectively parent a child who was shouting and hitting her.

She’s 8. She needs to go to sleep in her own room. SEND aside, I can see why your DP is pissed off.

You don't know that it was not disturbing. However you are probably right. That isn't the point however.

What is a safeguarding issue is pps on this thread stating that the child deserves this behaviour from a man who is only her mothers boyfriend because she is spoilt or kicking off or whatever, and what is more, the mother should allow it to happen in case she Loses Her Man.

You aren't in a position right now to be in a relationship where he is living with you. It's not fair to anyone.

Your dd obviously needs support and you need parenting help. You have to set better routines, boundaries and consequences without an unrelated adult wading in.

He may be right, but both your dd and he will suffer for it. I can see why he's frustrated l, but you need to be the one parenting your child. Your current setup is unhealthy.

Hell would freeze over before I would let a man put his hands on my child like that.

The sulking and withdrawal of affection I find much more alarming than the flare up in the moment.

So your issue is that he was setting the boundaries that you refuse to set?

Are you happy to remain single until your DD leaves home. Maybe in her 30s. Because she's never going to want to share you. Sort it now or pay with the next 20 odd years of your life.

My 8 year old still gets in with me due to terrible night terrors. It’s been this way since the year dot.

I would not be impressed if DP did similar. There is zero point at bedtime when stress is already high starting shouting firmly or otherwise. Everything escalates exponentially I find.

You know you’re DD shouldn’t be treating you like that, and it’s for you to resolve.

DP you say blanks and gets angry about the sleep issue…. This is another issue and it would be a LTB from me. Can’t be arsed with dickheads at bedtime when a child is struggling.

I appreciate your responses but this thread isn’t helping me like I hoped it would. It’s just exacerbating my already sky high anxiety levels. People saying that they wouldn’t let anyone lay hands on their child like that etc is really unhelpful because I feel so incredibly guilty for letting it get that far.

When children behave like this there is always an underlying reason and not simply a 'naughty child'. Now I have no idea what that is but that's the starting point.

When children are unhappy/worried/sad it comes out in their behaviour as they generally don't have the tools and language to identify and express these in other ways.

I agree.

That’s what I thought! I could understand a 2yo screaming “no” and kicking out, but NOT an 8yo. OP says dd was a bad sleeper before bf came on the scene so PP can’t blame the bf for the dd's behaviour.

@lanabye you need to start being firm and putting up boundaries. You can’t let her demand her own way and assault you. She’s only going to get bigger and more hormonal.

If this is how it happened I agree.

OP you say it isn't your way. Well your way isn't working.

If you don't deal with the screaming, hitting and kicking it will escalate.

I imagine your relanship is over.