Friction with DP due to DD. Frustrated

[lanabye]

DD is 8 and has always been a terrible sleeper. Because I was single for so long prior to my current relationship, I admit that I gave in quite a lot for an “easier” life and let her sleep with me, or I’d sleep in her bed until she fell asleep. So now, at bedtime, she struggles to sleep without me sitting in her room until she nods off.

This is causing a LOT of friction between my partner and me, and last night it led to an argument because I didn’t like the way he was speaking to DD. In fairness, she was screaming at me and hitting which is obviously less than ideal.

For context, we’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and he moved in only this year.

As much as it pisses me off that she’s a terrible sleeper, I don’t get worked up and angry about it the way he does. Aibu to see this as a huge barrier to continuing the relationship?

Ah yes. Cock before child, eh?

Some responses on here show a complete lack of safeguarding awareness.

Not a single poster has said it’s acceptable.

but putting the onus solely onto the child and ignoring the adults part in it helps no one. Especially the child

Screaming and hitting you at eight??? It seems to me your child is not necessarily a bad sleeper but a child who has grown up with little discipline.

Your partner moving in is not necessarily the problem, the problem is letting her get away with bad behaviour which you are unable to brush under the carpet with more people around.

You can ask your partner to move out but that wouldn’t sort your child behaviour and I’m sure you know that.

Don't let her hit you but also don't let your partner shout at her or discipline her in s way that you don't approve of or that goes against your principles.

If she's used to falling asleep with you in the room the she needs to be gradually weaned off that. By you. Not by him. If you do it then it's just part of the things you teach her. If he does it i(or assists you in it) it becomes a power struggle about who has got more sway over you.

I think you need to talk to him and chalk out exactly how involved in your parenting he can be and how involved in bringing up DD. You need to be on the same page otherwise this relationship is not going to work

I'm sorry, OP, but your kids sounds like she's overindulged and spoiled. If you don't get on top of the situation, you're going to lose your partner

From what the OP says, that wouldn't be a bad thing.

Focus on your relationship with your DD, OP. She needs you, and she needs your patience and understanding. I feel really sorry for your little girl, to be honest. She's seeing big changes in her world and she doesn't have the emotional skills to process them.

@Merryoldgoat OP's foremost problem isn't the bloke. Even if he leaves, which he probably will, she still has an immature and spoilt child that abuses her mother. That should be her focus, because that kid will grow up with real issues if it isn't nipped in the bud.

OP should step up precisely because he shouldn't be involved in this, but he's clearly frustrated.

Because he lives there? 🙄perhaps I’m biased as I’m a stepparent but some responses here are batshit. Of course he has to be involved in discussions about parenting - he has to know what his boundaries are around discipline etc for a start! When I met my DH I 100% wasn’t involved in any discipline connected with my DSD but not sure I would have stayed with him if she was hitting and screaming at 8 and I wasn’t allowed an opinion!

OP, you need a united front, a calm and consistent bedtime routine, and for your partner and yourself to have a clear understanding of his role so as not to confuse or unsettle DD. Ignore the small minority who will make any woman who meets a new man before their child is 18 feel like they’ve moved in an abuser. You have a right to happiness and many, many blended families make things work and raise perfectly happy children!

YABU

This.

If anyone laid a hand on my child they'd be out the door.

Your love life may have to take a back burner to childrearing. Moving a boyfriend in with a 7-year-old difficult child wasn't the greatest choice.

Counseling and a parenting course are great suggestions.

@Haffiana Don't be stupid. OP needs to sort this because no reasonable person, male or female, would stay in this situation long term, and I assume OP doesn't want to be single forever. Plus she's not doing the kid any favours by letting this behaviour continue.

Ever considered these ‘challenging behaviours’ might be the result of having a man who shouts and manhandles a little girl moving into her home?

Agree with everything here.

I've raised 3 DD's and have never been hit by any of them. Ever.

It's a line, OP, and you've let your DD cross that without consequences.

I think you need some serious professional help here to put boundaries into place because god help you when you've got an angry hormone fuelled raging teenager on your hands.

Your DP is a wholly separate issue, and I think you need to put boundaries in here too. It's not his place to judge your parenting, no matter how ineffective it may be.

She’s 8 OP. If you want an adult relationship you need to accept someone else’s POV. Your BF isn’t being unreasonable in his expectations. You should put a proper plan together and deal with it yourself - leave BF out of the practicalities of it. My toddler was the same when I first had my second baby. I just had to address it.

Why was he dealing with bed time. Why did you allow him to treat her that way. He escalated the situation. No wonder the poor thing was so upset.

Your DP is a wholly separate issue, and I think you need to put boundaries in here too. It's not his place to judge your parenting, no matter how ineffective it may be.

I don’t agree at all, it’s home too and he’s entitled to an opinion. He might not get to win all the time but if OP wants to maintain an adult relationship she should at least consider it.

You have quite clearly blamed an 8 year old child for everything. She is 'overindulged and spoiled'.

What ACTUALLY has happened is that she and her mother had a sleeping arrangement that worked perfectly well for the two of them. OP then moves in her boyfriend, a little girl has her entire routine disrupted and objects in the sort of way a small child might show. What with being 8 and not articulate enough to express 'why has EVERYTHING changed since that stranger moved in when it is exactly now that I need the comfort of my mother even more than usual'?

Her mother ALLOWS her boyfriend to manhandle her child, to shout at her and - fuck me, how very GROWN UP of him - to SULK at her the next day.

But hey, the little girl is 'overindulged and spoiled', and her Mother Must Keep Her Man At All Costs.

When children behave like this there is always an underlying reason and not simply a 'naughty child'. Now I have no idea what that is but that's the starting point.

When children are unhappy/worried/sad it comes out in their behaviour as they generally don't have the tools and language to identify and express these in other ways.

So my advice would be to kick the stroppy twat out and start working on identifying what is going on for this child.

Putting her aggression and lashing out aside, it's not unusual for an 8yo to need a parent to stay with them as they go off to sleep.
Yes, many kids of that age can just be put to bed and go off to sleep but not all.
Age not stage! I wish people would remember all children are different and have different needs, personalities, levels of resilience and independence.

I'm not surprised by his response. I would do the same if I saw my 8 year old screaming and hitting my partner! That is horrible behaviour from your DD. She is 8, not 18 months!

@Phobiaphobic

You clearly said she should sort it or she’ll lose her partner.

at least own what you said.

I would say that would be no loss to anyone in this relationship (including, most importantly, the 8 yr old girl).

Yeah she’s unhappy mummy doesn’t want to sleep with her anymore because mummy has someone else to hug. Completely of the ops making and making her child needy.

Boundary your child! Hitting you isn't okay. And you tolerate it? Come on!

If your child is 8 and still can't tolerate not being in the room with you there is something wrong there. You are right, you have been wet and not putting your foot down will likely leave you having to deal with a very tumultuous teenage period.

As others have said, get some parenting classes if there are any available near you. This is going to be an EXTREMELY painful learning curve for both of you. If you wait you will really struggle to back-track and boundary her later.

She is the child. You are the parent. You can't change your relationships to suit her. Grow a pair and do it. Good luck!

"an immature spoilt child"

At 8
🙄

Children are still immature at 8 just as ops partner shows he is immature at whatever age.

Ops child seems insecure and guess what, marriage breakdown ,her dad not being with her, any problems may cause that.
I'm astonished at how much people just expect children to take and get on with...and then crushed when they don't act perfectly.

Spoilt indeed and possibly by the trauma she's already had to endure.

@Haffiana This isn't about safeguarding though. Nobody is suggesting he is doing anything untoward.