… Lara’s husband Jasper is a hedge fund manager which is why she can devote so much time to tossing kale while earning £67 pounds a week from balancing her mum’s friend Lucia’s chakras for mate’s rates
.. Despite this Lara was bullshitting from Wed night on, when she actually had 3 gin cocktails, half a bottle of White and 2 tequila slammers with her mate Sienna, so Thurs breakfast was a massive grilled cheese sandwich and it was downhill from there
When Jasper and Lara go out for dinner, Jasper remembers he has some ‘emails’ to send before bed and secretly orders McDs on Deliveroo
Meanwhile Lara is upstairs eating the emergency twix she keeps hidden in her sex toys draw
Jasper lies to Lara about being Vegetarian
In 18 months time Lara will admit she has an eating disorder, and will start a new instagram and get her mate sienna to commission more shite articles like this one but involving embracing grilled cheese sandwiches
Lara is stilled scared of being more than a size 8, so she now hides half the twix she pretends to embrace and eats dried kale she now has hidden in her sex toys draw
Lara now refuses to have sex with the lights on due to her massive 6 pound weight gain, it’s the last straw for Jasper who leaves her for Sienna, this means he has to take up ancestral eating, but bone broth is still better than vegetarian sushi which is literally the most pointless food known to man
To have a reason to start a new instagram account and guilt guilty Sienna into commissioning more shite articles, Lara decides that once Gin cocktail too many means that she is alcoholic so her Dad pays for her to go to the Priory, after which she writes an e-book called something like All That Glitters about her tragic posh girl life which makes heavy weather off the fact she took minuscule amounts of coke 3 times when she was 19
The end
TBF Mondays Mexican salad did sound good