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AIBU?

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Original poster

To propose to dp we sleep with other people

116 replies

Dieana · 20/06/2022 11:10

Hear me out.

Me and dp are in our early twenties. We have a dc and house together. We have been engaged for 6 months now.

Thing is our relationship has been through alot of hardships very quickly and things have been rocky for there own reasons (which is another thread entirely). The main one at the moment and has been for a long time now is we don't have sex.

This all started just before I fell pregnant. It's now been over a year and a half since then and we aren't any closer to cracking it. We thought certain things would change the situation for us, e.g stopping breastfeeding or getting sleep filled nights. But truth of the matter is nothing has helped and I realised it has to come from us now. My sex drive is pretty non existent and dps pops up once in a blue moon where he will expect a quickie.

We have spoken to counsellors about this and they agreed we need to strip it back to basics. Problem is dp doesn't really want to put in the work. It's like he has his head buried in the sand about the extremity of the situation which is ironic as he was the first person to air out how much the lack of sex life was hurting him. Now he dismisses anytime I say we shouldn't still be in this position this far along with "oh its only being x amount of time" like its fine when it's anything but fine.

I feel like I am missing out on something major. Being a mum has stripped so much away from me and I've had to sacrifice so much being a "young mum" that it feels unfair to me that now I'm having to compromise my sexuality as well. I've stressed all this to dp. We have multiple conversations about this but ifs just not getting us anywhere. I don't look at myself as a sexual being anymore and to be honest I don't think im sexually attracted to dp anymore and (even though he denies it) I don't think he really is that much into me like that either. Whenever I say we should be trying he says he is tired ect and to be honest when he gives me an excuse I just take it because deep down I don't really want to do anything either.

I just feel way too young for this to be it. I feel like I have been patient enough and nothing has changed. Maybe it will. But in the mean time I want to feel diserable again. I want to feel sexy again and I want to remember what it's like to get lost in that level of intimacy with someone. I have brought up an open relationship before to dp if he couldn't get his act together. That was six months ago now. I'm not saying I want one but perhaps it would do us both some good (mostly me) to sleep with someone else as a one off.

I want to know if this is a me problem or a dp problem. I see strangers on the street and think they are nice looking but sex feels like such a foreign concept at this point I can't picture myself doing it with anyone. I'm becoming really depressed with the thought of things not improving. It angers me when I'm around friends my age and I hear about their happy date filled relationships and great sex lives.

I feel like it's a sham when people ask about our wedding but we don't even touch each other sexually, and when dp does its very selfish and abrupt. I've communicated with him about this all so many many times. I'm at a loss at what else to do. I don't want to end my family unit and turn my life upside down about this so it only seems that sleeping with someone else is the only other solution as crazy as that sounds. I feel cornered. And my gosh I fanatise so much about sleeping with someone and experiencing that major something I'm missing. I hate cheating but I've become so desperate that I'm considering it very much so. Problem is yes I've had a child and yes I've tied myself to family life but where the hell do I place myself in my own life. I feel like no one attends to my needs and I'm so miserable and upset about it all. I used to go out and meet guys and have flings and it was exciting. I used to feel adored and like a woman. Now I feel nothing short of a mum and nothing like the young adult I am. Is it so wrong to want that back? My life is just so uneventful. I love my dc with all my heart. But my dc can't be the only thing keeping me going in this.

OP posts:
MRex · 20/06/2022 11:15

It's a shame things aren't working out, but shagging randoms isn't going to help. You can't really think you'll feel happier watching DH skipping in from shagging a random woman while you don't want anyone? Or that he'll happily mind the kids while you get dolled up and pop out on a date?

Either put the time into fixing your relationship, or separate on friendly terms and date on the nights DH has the kids.

Original poster
Dieana · 20/06/2022 11:17

@MRex in all honesty no I wouldn't feel great about dp sleeping with someone else but I actually don't mind anymore. This isn't about him. This is about me now. And this is what i want for myself. It wouldn't be the case of sleeping with loads of people. I would just like the one chance to, so I know whether it an "us" problem or a me problem.

OP posts:
PetersRabbitt · 20/06/2022 11:18

It could work, you’d need to discuss it in depth with him .

NightmareSlashDelightful · 20/06/2022 11:18

I know a fair few couples in open relationships (it's more common among gay men than it is with straight people).

The basic rule is, if you're doing it to try to 'fix' something in your primary relationship that's lacking, it will fail. Guaranteed. Because you're starting off from a foundation that isn't strong and stable (sorry for the Theresa May flashback there). All the open relationship will do is further prise apart the cracks that are already there. It will be painful, hurtful and dysfunctional in the extreme.

Open relationships can work, for some people. If there's lots and lots and lots of communication, it's entered into willingly and enthusiastically by both partners, and the purpose is positive -- i.e. not to make up for a lack of something in the main relationship.

I'm working off your OP and not knowing you at all. But based on what you've written, it sounds like bad foundations for entering into an open relationship to me.

Philisophigal · 20/06/2022 11:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

DuvetHugger · 20/06/2022 11:19

I think the answer is simple. You need to end the relationship.

As hard as that sounds, neither of you seem attracted to each other. You've tried talking, you've tried counselling.

Comedycook · 20/06/2022 11:19

It will end in tears.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum

AllAloneInThisHouse · 20/06/2022 11:20

Why are you thinking about open relationship, why aren’t you thinking about break-up?

MayBeee · 20/06/2022 11:21

So am I right , and putting it bluntly , you want someone else to fuck you , in the hope it restarts you wanting to get with your husband ? What a good plan

Regularsizedrudy · 20/06/2022 11:21

How would it work practically though? No one’s going to want to date someone who already has a partner, if your planning one night stands how will that work?

IncompleteSenten · 20/06/2022 11:22

Do you actually want to have sex with someone else or are you hoping that when you suggest it, your partner has an epiphany, realises they risk losing you and decides to really put effort into the relationship?

SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 11:22

Honestly, I stopped reading.

You don't need an open relationship. You need a new one.

Whatever made you and DP a sexual couple had gone. If Dbaby didn't exist would you still be planning a wedding or would you have broken up?

Leave / ask him to leave, coparent amicably, discover yourself again and in time move on

Littleraindrop15 · 20/06/2022 11:22

I think that the relationship has come to the end.

At your age you should be humping like rabbits and the low sex drive is concerning and the fact you are not attracted to one another anymore is a huge sign. I definitely would hold off marriage

have you had any medical tests to rule out any conditions that might be affecting your and his drive.

inmyslippers · 20/06/2022 11:22

It's really hard going your separate ways when they're are kids involved. But what's keeping you there?

Furrbabymama1987 · 20/06/2022 11:23

No, don't do it. It may be a rough patch that you could overcome potentially, if you're both willing to try, but if not then you should separate fully. You're in your early 20s, you have so many years ahead of you and time to turn things around. One of you would meet and fall in love with someone else and then where would that leave either of you? You're too young to resign yourself to this kind of set up.

aSofaNearYou · 20/06/2022 11:25

I think you just need to separate. This is very common for families these days, no point flogging a dead horse.

BlancmanegeBunny · 20/06/2022 11:25

This sounds like a desperate attempt to save a doomed relationship and is likely to end in tears.

Mischance · 20/06/2022 11:26

when dp does its very selfish and abrupt ....... My sex drive is pretty non existent ........ I think these two statements might be connected!

You are incompatible - do not marry this man!

laurdi · 20/06/2022 11:26

Could you try by starting off with the basics like you say. Start dating your DP again. Go for a date night, a nice meal or a walk somewhere just the two of you
Talk to each other and get to know each other again
Having children and becoming parents doesn't define you but it does change you, maybe you need to reconnect at the most basic level and it will spark something between you x

Discovereads · 20/06/2022 11:29

I don’t think it’s a you or dp problem but a both of you problem. So sex with someone else isn’t going to solve anything. It sounds to me like your relationship has grown into being good friends without any mutual sexual attraction. So, honestly I agree with pp that you should be considering calling off the engagement and going your separate ways.

JustLyra · 20/06/2022 11:29

Don’t get married. And don’t get into an open relationship or swinging to fix things. It won’t work.

For an open relationship to work your foundations have to be incredibly strong. It is not a sticking plaster.

if your DP ignores you when you talk about it and then is “abrupt” with you when he wants sex then you need to be ending the relationship. Don’t marry him and make it harder to leave - life is too short to live unhappily.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/06/2022 11:29

I understand EXACTLY where you’re coming from.

You might not want to hear this but the only solution is to go your separate ways. You can find someone who fancy the pants off and feel desired again.
Your current DP is never going to give you that.

Original poster
Dieana · 20/06/2022 11:30

Just to specify to everyone I do NOT want an open relationship as I realise we are not in a strong enough place for that. What I would be proposing is strictly a no strings attached ONS.

@MayBeee no to restart things.. This isnt about dp so much anymore its more about me. I want to see if i am generally completely off sex or if it just off sex with my dp. Because It would be a massive thing to break up in the hopes that I can have a sexual relationship else where if the problem is us as a couple but that my sex drive has just gone regardless of the person. I have tried for a year and a half with dp and since we can't even get our sex life going I will never know which is very frustrating. I feel like there is something wrong with me so I want to find out.

I am not leaving my dp. It is alot to explain but I will have nothing if I leave. I will lose dc. Dc isnt even two yet and I'm not willing to leave her side 50 percent of the time. I'm a sahp and I will have no way of supporting myself or dc. I will lose my house. And it could all be for nothing. But I need to do something as I feel my life is over already and it's making me feel very depressed. I have no expressed this to anyone in real life and just continue as normal but it's eating away at me on the inside.

OP posts:
Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/06/2022 11:33

and above all, if you already thinking of sleeping with other people , do not get married- save yourself the hassle of divorcing him.

TheVanguardSix · 20/06/2022 11:34

Why are you thinking about open relationship, why aren’t you thinking about break-up?

This too is my question. I suppose it's fear of lone parenthood and losing the family ideal that we cling onto. But living in dysfunction for the sake of keeping up with society's expectations (and our own) is just no way to live, OP.
How old is your DC and how was sex before the pregnancy?
FWIW, I was in a very similar boat to you.
I did end it and it was the very best thing for me to do. I had a 6-month-old son in tow when I left. That's nearly 20 years ago now!
I don't think an open relationship will be a good solution. It's just putting a very non-sticky plaster over an oozing wound. I think you have to face the lion in the den, which is so difficult. But ending it sounds like the healthiest thing you could do.