To propose to dp we sleep with other people

[Dieana]

Hear me out.

Me and dp are in our early twenties. We have a dc and house together. We have been engaged for 6 months now.

Thing is our relationship has been through alot of hardships very quickly and things have been rocky for there own reasons (which is another thread entirely). The main one at the moment and has been for a long time now is we don't have sex.

This all started just before I fell pregnant. It's now been over a year and a half since then and we aren't any closer to cracking it. We thought certain things would change the situation for us, e.g stopping breastfeeding or getting sleep filled nights. But truth of the matter is nothing has helped and I realised it has to come from us now. My sex drive is pretty non existent and dps pops up once in a blue moon where he will expect a quickie.

We have spoken to counsellors about this and they agreed we need to strip it back to basics. Problem is dp doesn't really want to put in the work. It's like he has his head buried in the sand about the extremity of the situation which is ironic as he was the first person to air out how much the lack of sex life was hurting him. Now he dismisses anytime I say we shouldn't still be in this position this far along with "oh its only being x amount of time" like its fine when it's anything but fine.

I feel like I am missing out on something major. Being a mum has stripped so much away from me and I've had to sacrifice so much being a "young mum" that it feels unfair to me that now I'm having to compromise my sexuality as well. I've stressed all this to dp. We have multiple conversations about this but ifs just not getting us anywhere. I don't look at myself as a sexual being anymore and to be honest I don't think im sexually attracted to dp anymore and (even though he denies it) I don't think he really is that much into me like that either. Whenever I say we should be trying he says he is tired ect and to be honest when he gives me an excuse I just take it because deep down I don't really want to do anything either.

I just feel way too young for this to be it. I feel like I have been patient enough and nothing has changed. Maybe it will. But in the mean time I want to feel diserable again. I want to feel sexy again and I want to remember what it's like to get lost in that level of intimacy with someone. I have brought up an open relationship before to dp if he couldn't get his act together. That was six months ago now. I'm not saying I want one but perhaps it would do us both some good (mostly me) to sleep with someone else as a one off.

I want to know if this is a me problem or a dp problem. I see strangers on the street and think they are nice looking but sex feels like such a foreign concept at this point I can't picture myself doing it with anyone. I'm becoming really depressed with the thought of things not improving. It angers me when I'm around friends my age and I hear about their happy date filled relationships and great sex lives.

I feel like it's a sham when people ask about our wedding but we don't even touch each other sexually, and when dp does its very selfish and abrupt. I've communicated with him about this all so many many times. I'm at a loss at what else to do. I don't want to end my family unit and turn my life upside down about this so it only seems that sleeping with someone else is the only other solution as crazy as that sounds. I feel cornered. And my gosh I fanatise so much about sleeping with someone and experiencing that major something I'm missing. I hate cheating but I've become so desperate that I'm considering it very much so. Problem is yes I've had a child and yes I've tied myself to family life but where the hell do I place myself in my own life. I feel like no one attends to my needs and I'm so miserable and upset about it all. I used to go out and meet guys and have flings and it was exciting. I used to feel adored and like a woman. Now I feel nothing short of a mum and nothing like the young adult I am. Is it so wrong to want that back? My life is just so uneventful. I love my dc with all my heart. But my dc can't be the only thing keeping me going in this.

Are u sure he’s not cheating? He was the one that mentioned about the sex and now he suddenly doesn’t care. Seems odd. And if I heard a 20 something year old man hadn’t had sex in a year I would be rather suspicious. So you’ve said you can’t leave him for all the reasons and your answer is to tell him you want a ONS.
ways this could go:

• you enjoy ONS and then have to go back to your sexless almost marriage ( which will then turn into you continuing to have ONS and probably fall in love with one or DH gets tired of it and leaves you )


• DP says no - then what?


• DP agrees to open relationship prefers one of the women he shags too you and leaves you with nothing taking 50% of your DD.


• you don’t enjoy ONS and are then left miserable and regretful of what you’ve done.

I don’t really know what advice to give you but I don’t think you should delude yourself into thinking your going to magically be happy families with this plan. Get married, get half the house, get a job, save and prepare to leave, if possible keep a friendly relationship with DP which doesn’t seem likely.

What a really depressing start to a marriage, you are literally staying for a house and support. This is all wrong, you are going to spend the rest of your life thinkin 'what if'.
Also if your thinking about having a ONS with an good looking stranger, it doesn't sound like there is much wrong with your sex drive. You don't want to leave him for an easy life.

I am not leaving my dp. It is alot to explain but I will have nothing if I leave. I will lose dc. Dc isnt even two yet and I'm not willing to leave her side 50 percent of the time. I'm a sahp and I will have no way of supporting myself or dc. I will lose my house. And it could all be for nothing. But I need to do something as I feel my life is over already and it's making me feel very depressed.

It is understandable why you feel depressed living the way you are. But if you shag someone else you risk him ending the relationship over that anyway. In a bitter breakup, you become the reason why the relationship ended - "she forced me to agree" "she cheated" "I could never have sex with someone else"

The right thing to do is train, study, go back to work etc so you can work towards leaving him. If you can support yourself financially then you will have the power to live a happier life and be a more attractive long term prospect to future partners.

You deserve a partner who is emotionally and sexually compatible with you. You're so young and can find that. If you date others while staying in your current situation then you risk becoming attached to the wrong kind of man again because you are desperate to escape. Work on the career side so you have more power and real choice in your life.

This is the quickest way to split up so unless you want to don't bother asking

All this talk of deserving sex and wanting a one night stand seems ridiculous when it's you that doesn't want sex, not your dp. You've also said that you can't imagine having sex with anyone else either so why do you think having a ONS will help you? Its sounds like you both have very low sex drives which surely makes you compatible, not a reason for sleeping with someone else

You need to spilt up. Then he had time with your child and you have your time. You need to get some self worth back. And move away from him. You shouldn’t be getting married to him.

I don't understand why you're so desperate to have sex when you say you have no sex drive. Are you sure you're not just trying to prove that you're 'normal'? I could probably have coped with very little sex but lots of affection in my relationship, there's nothing wrong with not being that bothered on sex no matter how differently others feel!

Completely agree with this

Tho g is op how does this work?

Hey Dean, I thought I could have a ONS and see if it's sex I don't like or just you.
Oh OK Dear, no worries, I'll look after the baby

Then what? You don't sound like you feel particularly attractive or sexual so pulling in a night club etc sounds out. A dating app where it's clear you just want sex? So you'll go along and just instantly want to fuck the stranger in the back of his car etc if you're "normal"? , is there someone in mind who you could have sex with once, who's be considerate and kind and gentle but wouldn't make an issue of it? How do you think you're going to find a man to have sex with?

OP if I'm reading your posts right, you're saying your sex drive is pretty non-existent right now and you want a ONS to test if this is a 'you problem' or a problem with your relationship.

I'd first off say it's not unusual to have a low sex drive when you have a young child and all the pressures becoming parents brings. That's pretty normal.

Regarding the ONS 'test', so if you went out tonight and had a ONS and it was brilliant then that would indicate to you the problem is with your relationship, and if it's crap then it's a you problem? But sex is rarely amazing without great communication (so you need to be in some sort of relationship that allows for that), or if it's a stranger and a ONS then you'll need off the wall chemistry. So the chances are a ONS with some random would leave you feeling it's a you problem. I don't think it is. You're either exhausted by motherhood (which may change) and/or you and your partner have just reached the end of your relationship. It's sad, but sometimes it's as complicated and as straightforward at that.

The ONS plan is crazy. It won't tell you anything. Sex with a random is likely to be shit anyway, but even if it's okay, that's got zero to do with what's going on in your relationship.

You're catastrophising about what would happen if you split up. You're in your early 20s. Most people that age don't have their own homes or lots of money. Start investigating your options around how to support yourself. You're not the first woman in this situation and there are plenty of options that will empower you and make you much more fulfilled than this depressing compromise you're making or the mess you'll make going down this ONS road.

You seem to have alighted on the ONS as the solution as if the problem is you needing a shag. The problem is bigger and so is the solution. You need to change your outlook and take responsibility for your own happiness and your own lot in life. Not by having a single shag, but by finding out who you are and what you want to do with your life. You can't do that if you make it all about the house or your DC. Your DC will be better off without a depressed mother. Don't use them as an excuse, don't have the ONS, and fgs don't marry your DP.

Just break up. There’s no point in being in a sexless relationship in your 20s.

Your options are:

a) Break up now, with honesty and dignity, while your DC is still young and so are you. Get through the tough period, re-establish a happy life, have a shot at good co-parenting and meeting someone else you're compatible with and making a new life.
b) Try this terrible, awful, no good "sleeping with other people" idea. Break up anyway, but with hugely increased complication, stress, pain, jealousy and bitterness and potentially piss years and years more of your life down the hole of this lost cause.

There is no course of action where this relationship ends up a happy one. It doesn't work. It's over. The only options left open to you are how to handle that fact.

So going against the grain here.

It works for me and my DH.

We have both had flings with others. It was exciting and fulfilled a sexual desire. It also ignited sex drives and brought passion back to our own bedroom, plus new experience. It was about me (or him) as an individual and reclaiming some lost youth in a way. I had feelings for my fling partner but nothing that would make me want to leave DH.

We don't discuss intimate details, or much at all tbh. More of a turn a blind eye situation but it somehow works.

We became parents in our early 20s. Now in our early 30s. Sex was very bland and sparse for about 5 years during our 20s. We could separate, but we do love eachother and our family life. We have a good time together. This is a good way of actually staying together?! I fancy him again.

I think you still need to grow up a bit...

Because you are saying that you want to be able to sleep with anyone you fancy but you can't be bothered to leave your current partner because you like the comfort of having a house and of him supporting you...

I mean WTF?

Imagine if a man came here to say ''I don't fancy my partner anymore and I want to tell her I am going to sleep with other women but as I quite enjoy her being around to do the cleaning/cooking/home admin I am going to ditch her for practical reasons. I also hope that seeing me with other women will mean she will make more of an effort to please me in bed''...Mumsnet would explode.

Instead accept that you two are not compatible long term, don't fancy each other anymore and are unable to communicate.

Thinking having sex with someone else will fix your relationship is ludicrous.

And yes you might actually have to pay your way and move house. That comes with being an adult and having to stand on your own two feet.

So you want a ONS, and what happens if you don’t enjoy it? You continue your miserable sex-less relationship because your DP supports you financially and you get to live in a house.

And what if you do enjoy it? You continue having ONS’s? You leave DP and find some other mug to support you? Honestly OP you are not coming across well here at all. Why not find a part time job, the independence would give you much more of an uplift than shagging randoms.

Agree with PP about maybe being deeper than just sex.

Is your DP ok, are you sure it’s not depression etc how’s his work going, how’s money and finances? How’s your social life?

Also have you looked a bit deeper into your own values and beliefs around sex? Attachment/ Trauma type things too. Are you keeping in shape, eating well, taking physical care of your needs otherwise💕

I don’t want to know the answer to any of these obviously, they’re just things for you to maybe look into.

xxx

This ^^^

I'm 46 so have been through different relationships. Spoiler alert - you'll enjoy sexy times with a stranger!

See, you don't HAVE to have sex. It's possible to have a fully functioning and close relationship without it. You say you have very little sex drive, like him. So seems you are really compatible. Unless you are saying you don't fancy him and therefore don't want to have sex. That's a relationship ender. But sex in itself, or regular sex, is not absolutely compulsory in a loving and fully fledged relationship

Having a one night stand with some random isn't going to make anything any better. It just isn't.

The only reason you are still with your partner is, as you've acknowledged, because it would be difficult financially and practically if you split up.

That is not going to change because you both have a one-off shag with someone else. It just isn't. To be honest it sounds like you're hoping to sabotage the relationship so that he leaves you, rather than the other way around.

Just break up. Yes you have a family but you’ll work it out. You’re in your early twenties FFS and have your whole life ahead of you. Why make huge compromises now?

For goodness sake don't get married to him. Break up, try to keep things amicable then look for a new partner who does find you sexy and attractive and will love you.

I really think you could benefit with some therapy here OP, you seem really confused.
Your sex drive is non existent, why are you so desperate for sex?Having a ONS with a stranger doesn't really happen if you don't have a sex drive.
Not everyone is always at it like rabbits in their twenties, if that is what society is telling you, then ignore it. Not everyone automatically has a high sex drive in their twenties. I didn't. I still don't now, and I'm nearly 40.

Feeling like you are only a mother and not a woman or person in your own right is really common for mothers, no matter how much sex they're getting. You need to look at what the underlying issue here really is. Because it is not sex, and your idea is not a solution.

I don't think I could break up a home just because I didn't really want sex but felt like I "should" because my mates have a lot of it.

I could for a relationship that had run its course and was basically co-parenting housemates.

Only you know which it actually is.

I'm sorry, I haven't read everything, but are you on birth control? I only ask because I went from having a high sex drive to having absolutely none whatsoever on the mini pill 🤷🏻‍♀️
It doesn't exactly help your current predicament because it sounds like you're pretty much done with your dp? But worth thinking about if you come to wonder why you just don't want sex full stop.

There is no point in issuing ultimatums unless you carry them through. Presumably this is what he is expecting to happen.

You are far too young to settle for a series of ONS with the sort of random who would take up the offer. Word gets round very quickly and it wouldn’t be possible to keep things quiet, it’s easy to find out later that some random actually has a wife and DC at the same school.