To propose to dp we sleep with other people

[Dieana]

Hear me out.

Me and dp are in our early twenties. We have a dc and house together. We have been engaged for 6 months now.

Thing is our relationship has been through alot of hardships very quickly and things have been rocky for there own reasons (which is another thread entirely). The main one at the moment and has been for a long time now is we don't have sex.

This all started just before I fell pregnant. It's now been over a year and a half since then and we aren't any closer to cracking it. We thought certain things would change the situation for us, e.g stopping breastfeeding or getting sleep filled nights. But truth of the matter is nothing has helped and I realised it has to come from us now. My sex drive is pretty non existent and dps pops up once in a blue moon where he will expect a quickie.

We have spoken to counsellors about this and they agreed we need to strip it back to basics. Problem is dp doesn't really want to put in the work. It's like he has his head buried in the sand about the extremity of the situation which is ironic as he was the first person to air out how much the lack of sex life was hurting him. Now he dismisses anytime I say we shouldn't still be in this position this far along with "oh its only being x amount of time" like its fine when it's anything but fine.

I feel like I am missing out on something major. Being a mum has stripped so much away from me and I've had to sacrifice so much being a "young mum" that it feels unfair to me that now I'm having to compromise my sexuality as well. I've stressed all this to dp. We have multiple conversations about this but ifs just not getting us anywhere. I don't look at myself as a sexual being anymore and to be honest I don't think im sexually attracted to dp anymore and (even though he denies it) I don't think he really is that much into me like that either. Whenever I say we should be trying he says he is tired ect and to be honest when he gives me an excuse I just take it because deep down I don't really want to do anything either.

I just feel way too young for this to be it. I feel like I have been patient enough and nothing has changed. Maybe it will. But in the mean time I want to feel diserable again. I want to feel sexy again and I want to remember what it's like to get lost in that level of intimacy with someone. I have brought up an open relationship before to dp if he couldn't get his act together. That was six months ago now. I'm not saying I want one but perhaps it would do us both some good (mostly me) to sleep with someone else as a one off.

I want to know if this is a me problem or a dp problem. I see strangers on the street and think they are nice looking but sex feels like such a foreign concept at this point I can't picture myself doing it with anyone. I'm becoming really depressed with the thought of things not improving. It angers me when I'm around friends my age and I hear about their happy date filled relationships and great sex lives.

I feel like it's a sham when people ask about our wedding but we don't even touch each other sexually, and when dp does its very selfish and abrupt. I've communicated with him about this all so many many times. I'm at a loss at what else to do. I don't want to end my family unit and turn my life upside down about this so it only seems that sleeping with someone else is the only other solution as crazy as that sounds. I feel cornered. And my gosh I fanatise so much about sleeping with someone and experiencing that major something I'm missing. I hate cheating but I've become so desperate that I'm considering it very much so. Problem is yes I've had a child and yes I've tied myself to family life but where the hell do I place myself in my own life. I feel like no one attends to my needs and I'm so miserable and upset about it all. I used to go out and meet guys and have flings and it was exciting. I used to feel adored and like a woman. Now I feel nothing short of a mum and nothing like the young adult I am. Is it so wrong to want that back? My life is just so uneventful. I love my dc with all my heart. But my dc can't be the only thing keeping me going in this.

How about you leave your DH and let him find someone else that doesn't shag people behind his back.

Hope you are testing for STIs too.

So what happens when you have sex with someone and it's amazing and you want more?
you have to know that this will almost certainly end your relationship?
Why would you have to have DD only 50% of the time? You're a SAHM and DD is very small. She should be with you most of the time at this stage.

Sorry OP but its so odd. Neither of you really seem to want sex yet you want to want to have sex but not with your DP and your reasons for not splitting up but being unfaithful (which it is if he doesn't agree) seem to be purely materialistic.

Even to flip it on it's head and frame him purely as the bad guy, he doesn't want to address things that make you unhappy. Again, why would you stay?

1. Get a job/career. You need to be able to support yourself.
2. Once this is in place, break up. You're clearly not compatible, you don't love him and your child will know as they get older. Don't be like my parents who stayed together for years "because of the kids". Your child will know, and you both deserve better than that.

It sounds like you’re living together and comparenting. Not actually properly together anyway.
some time separately might help you realise what it is.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I realise that splitting up when you have DC is hard, but I'm confused about what you want.

It's really clear: neither of you are attracted to each other sexually any more. The relationship has run its course & all the open conversations, and suggestions of ONS won't fix it.

You need to honestly discuss ending the relationship & taking care of DC

I have a couple of friends who have had open marriages. One has a really strong relationship with her dh. It was strong before they opened their marriage and they opened their marriage for something "extra" not to fix something.

My other friend. Well her dh isn't her dh any more. They're both with other people who they met during their open marriage. The difference is that their marriage was a mess before they opened it up. They, like you, wanted their open marriage to "fix" something wrong with their relationship (in their case her sex drive was a lot higher than his).

You should be breaking up. Not trying to fix a fundamental issue this way.

I've done a bit of non monogamy and it should have been obvious but; the other person/people you have sex with are human beings too. They have their own feelings, motivations etc. It is incredibly complicated.

When I went into it there was no mistaking the extreme nature of my sex drive. I could barely get through 24 hours without sex. It could have felt pretty grim I guess, though it absolutely didn't to me at the time.

I would really say you need a life that nourishes you, not necessarily a sex life as such. Your partner sounds as if he is taking you for granted and you are feeling trapped. I'd agree with finding a way to build your own escape slide, or at least your own life.

You need a life of your own. Stop being all about your child and DH.

Go back to work, have a life outside of home. Earn your own money. Have non mum friendships. Have a life fgs. THEN see if your sex drive comes back and whether it involves your partner. You sound quite depressed and confused. You need to put yourself first and carve a life out for yourself. ONS WILL NOT DO THIS FOR YOU - it'll just make you feel worse about yourself.

This
I think if you feel yourself again you’ll be in a better position to make a rational decision

Outside of the sex issue, do you even like/love your DP? Do you get on and enjoy being around each other and raising your child together?

Also, do you value yourself? I ask this because you have mentioned you don’t work, you’re reliant financially on your DP and if you broke up you’d lose your home. It’s nothing to be ashamed of as plenty of SAHM’s are, but as as an early 20s woman myself, it’s not the massively done thing for our generation. I wonder whether you see your friends/peers who haven’t had kids yet, who’ve got good jobs, nice boyfriends, bought houses, nice cars etc and you compare your life to theirs? I get how you might be frustrated sexually in your relationship, but are you frustrated with other things too? Is there things you could improve individually that could help how you feel about yourself?

My advice would be not to have the ONS if you love this man and you want a future with him. Once it’s done, you don’t know how either of you will feel and you won’t be able to undo it. It could break your family apart and you might regret that.

I feel that you express yourself really, really well and lucidly, with a lot of insight into yourself and the situation.

Do you know whether your partner has already found some sort of fulfillment - online, or somehow? I suppose, though, that the counsellor would have got to the bottom of that.

Sorry not to be helpful.

Because he doesn't want to separate 🤷‍♀️ and no, I'm not testing for STIs, not that it impacts my husband because as I said, we don't sleep together anymore. I don't feel any guilt whatsoever. If you chose to neglect your marriage and not give a fuck, you can't be surprised when your spouse looks elsewhere.

You do know you can separate without his permission?

Also a decent number of the threads on the Relationships board would disagree with your last bullshit statement. Just leave. Own it.

This.

He's done a right job on you hasn't he? You sound completely worn down, utterly dependent on him financially and as if you have lost sight of yourself.
What happened to your self confidence?
Denying sex in a relationship is a form of control, the same as denying access to finances is.
You sound like you are hoping a ONS will ride in on a white charger and save you, that isn't going to happen. As cheesy as it sounds the only person who can "save you" is yourself.
Get yourself enrolled in a course or find a job, make some supportive friends and some fun friends, make time for your hobbies and start to make plans to escape.
You don't need a man.