To propose to dp we sleep with other people

[Dieana]

Hear me out.

Me and dp are in our early twenties. We have a dc and house together. We have been engaged for 6 months now.

Thing is our relationship has been through alot of hardships very quickly and things have been rocky for there own reasons (which is another thread entirely). The main one at the moment and has been for a long time now is we don't have sex.

This all started just before I fell pregnant. It's now been over a year and a half since then and we aren't any closer to cracking it. We thought certain things would change the situation for us, e.g stopping breastfeeding or getting sleep filled nights. But truth of the matter is nothing has helped and I realised it has to come from us now. My sex drive is pretty non existent and dps pops up once in a blue moon where he will expect a quickie.

We have spoken to counsellors about this and they agreed we need to strip it back to basics. Problem is dp doesn't really want to put in the work. It's like he has his head buried in the sand about the extremity of the situation which is ironic as he was the first person to air out how much the lack of sex life was hurting him. Now he dismisses anytime I say we shouldn't still be in this position this far along with "oh its only being x amount of time" like its fine when it's anything but fine.

I feel like I am missing out on something major. Being a mum has stripped so much away from me and I've had to sacrifice so much being a "young mum" that it feels unfair to me that now I'm having to compromise my sexuality as well. I've stressed all this to dp. We have multiple conversations about this but ifs just not getting us anywhere. I don't look at myself as a sexual being anymore and to be honest I don't think im sexually attracted to dp anymore and (even though he denies it) I don't think he really is that much into me like that either. Whenever I say we should be trying he says he is tired ect and to be honest when he gives me an excuse I just take it because deep down I don't really want to do anything either.

I just feel way too young for this to be it. I feel like I have been patient enough and nothing has changed. Maybe it will. But in the mean time I want to feel diserable again. I want to feel sexy again and I want to remember what it's like to get lost in that level of intimacy with someone. I have brought up an open relationship before to dp if he couldn't get his act together. That was six months ago now. I'm not saying I want one but perhaps it would do us both some good (mostly me) to sleep with someone else as a one off.

I want to know if this is a me problem or a dp problem. I see strangers on the street and think they are nice looking but sex feels like such a foreign concept at this point I can't picture myself doing it with anyone. I'm becoming really depressed with the thought of things not improving. It angers me when I'm around friends my age and I hear about their happy date filled relationships and great sex lives.

I feel like it's a sham when people ask about our wedding but we don't even touch each other sexually, and when dp does its very selfish and abrupt. I've communicated with him about this all so many many times. I'm at a loss at what else to do. I don't want to end my family unit and turn my life upside down about this so it only seems that sleeping with someone else is the only other solution as crazy as that sounds. I feel cornered. And my gosh I fanatise so much about sleeping with someone and experiencing that major something I'm missing. I hate cheating but I've become so desperate that I'm considering it very much so. Problem is yes I've had a child and yes I've tied myself to family life but where the hell do I place myself in my own life. I feel like no one attends to my needs and I'm so miserable and upset about it all. I used to go out and meet guys and have flings and it was exciting. I used to feel adored and like a woman. Now I feel nothing short of a mum and nothing like the young adult I am. Is it so wrong to want that back? My life is just so uneventful. I love my dc with all my heart. But my dc can't be the only thing keeping me going in this.

do not get married- save yourself the hassle of divorcing him.

With bells on, heed this advice!

I have already given dp an ultimatum and he either didn't take it seriously or care enough to do anything about it.

Dp doesn't want to end things. I don't understand it but to him it just isn't that bad. He is either in denial or happy with the way things are and genuinely doesn't see the issue. I don't understand it because he was the one with the issue towards our lack of sex life in the first place but now it doesnt bother him anymore. If I even as much as mentioned the idea of breaking up over this he would be shocked and say this isn't worth tearing our family over. He would get angry and resentful towards me and blame me for ruining everyone's life.

Oh dear …. Do you really want to commit yourself to a sexless marriage as a 20 something year old?

So what you’re proposing is to have ONS .. with your DP knowing? That is an open marriage.

“Open marriage is a form of non-monogamy in which the partners of a dyadic marriage agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships(..)”

@Lovemypeaceandquiet maybe so but it would be a one off arrangement. Which I think could work.

From what I understand the most successful open relationships are when a loving couple decide monogamy isn't for them and use an open relationship to explore their sexuality etc. Using it as a crutch for a broken relationship seems like a pretty bad idea.

I need this. I need something to change. If we aren't going to break up then this is my only other last resort idea. I cant keep doing this. Its been a year and a half of nothing. I deserve to have sex

@Cakecakecheese its not about our broken relationship its about me who feels broken. I don't feel like a woman anymore. I feel like a major part of me is missing. As people said society expects at my age that we should be going at it like rabbits. I've read books. Spoken to a counsellor. Taken medicine for a hormone unbalance. I'm at my wits end now.

It's really unlikely that your sex drive has just died and you'll never want sex again.

Having sex with an attractive stranger is much easier than maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship. If you have your one night stand it won't tell you anything about your relationship - your DP still won't make any effort, you still won't want to have sex with him. If you don't enjoy the stranger sex then that still doesn't mean you no longer want sex, because you clearly do.
What do you hope to gain from it?

If your DP won't try then you're flogging a dead horse.

So basically, you want to stay in this relationship because of the financial gains but you want to sleep with other people.
As you’ve seen, I can’t see your dp agreeing to you sleeping with someone else as you’ve said.
You either get a job to support your self now and leave this relationship with your head held up high or you cheat and when your dp finds out and leaves you, you eventually have to find a way to support yourself.

if you don’t want him to know then it’s just having a physical affair.

You’d do yourself a favour to get some sort of financial/career backup in order, you’re only young.
You don’t want to be back to Mumsnet in 10-15 years saying how miserable you’re.

In essence, if you can't communicate well enough to get a basic level of intimacy and understanding restored between you and your current partner, you do not have the tools to navigate opening up your relationship. Neither should it be weilded as a threat or ultimatum by one party to the other.

Listen, I hear you. I’ve been where you are with my ex.

But I’m telling you, you need to leave him. Staying with him will get depressed.

You think you can have sex with no strings attached- it’s easier said than done. What If you fall for someone else? You’ll still end up breaking your then marriage, or you’ll be living a double life.

I think you are going about this the wrong way. You feel like ‘just’ a mum and not a person in your own right any more. Rather than seeking sex, which is a short term solution, how about you invest in your future, start making steps to get back into fulfilling work etc, so you would actually be in a position to support yourself if you walked away from the relationship? Having a one night stand will not solve anything at all.

Don't get married. I assume that you are still engaged because of your child- that's totally the wrong reason to do it. Many people are better parents than partners and by dragging things out to the bitter end, you risk ending up with an acrimonious split because the hate becomes too deep. Do you really want your child to see their parents in a loveless relationship? People on here talk about having parents who stayed together because of them and they always say they wish they'd split up because it's a horrible burden to carry. A marriage isn't going to paper over the deep cracks in your relationship. Believe me, your kids can be happy with separated parents and will hopefully become adults that value their wants and needs too. You are their relationship role model and seeing a loveless relationship between their parents risks them thinking that's normal and repeating the mistake when they are older.

Having an open marriage isn't going to help you in your case. Are you hoping that before you go for a date that he's going to beg you not to go and then shag you senseless? Or that he can't perform for another woman and realises that he needs help? What if the thought of you shagging someone else means that he never regains sexual feeling for you because it makes him develop The Ick.

You're in your 20s and shouldn't settle for a sexless relationship. You could have another 60+ years on the planet and you sound miserable from the lack of effort on his behalf.

So basically, you want to stay in this relationship because of the financial gains but you want to sleep with other people.

Sumsir up nicely.

I'm not against open relationships/ethical non monogamy. And I'm the first to say that as a long term couple with dc, there is more to life than sex, keep expectations reasonable, etc.

But you are in your early 20s! One ONS isn't going to keep you going for the next 60-80 years.

Get out while you still have some love and respect for each other, so you can co parent amicably.

*Sums it

Then break up with him, you don't need his permission. Or cheat. Either way the relationship sounds dead in the water.

If you have some sort of open relationship and he suddenly starts shagging his way round town, how do you think that will make you feel?

I am not leaving my dp. It is alot to explain but I will have nothing if I leave. I will lose dc. Dc isnt even two yet and I'm not willing to leave her side 50 percent of the time. I'm a sahp and I will have no way of supporting myself or dc. I will lose my house. And it could all be for nothing. But I need to do something as I feel my life is over already and it's making me feel very depressed.

I think suggesting to your DP that you intend to cheat on him - or that he has permission to do it as well - isn't going to go down well or improve anything in your relationship.

I'd suggest not marrying - and working on getting independent - ie back to work and giving future self more options.

It does sound like he won't try so long term staying probably isn't going to happen and this desperate plan could just make this very sour and bitter between you long term not ideal for co-parenting.

This ^^

I don't understand why you're so desperate to have sex when you say you have no sex drive. Are you sure you're not just trying to prove that you're 'normal'? I could probably have coped with very little sex but lots of affection in my relationship, there's nothing wrong with not being that bothered on sex no matter how differently others feel!

What if you go ahead and sleep with someone else and then realise it's not this amazing soul connecting, mind blowing event that you envisioned? Where does that leave you? It's certainly not likely to help your relationship. Or are you just looking to conveniently keep your husband around while you find someone you really like and to really make sure you want to get to try them out in bed before you dump him?

This is just an awful idea all round, just end it or

I deserve to have sex

Whoah! No you don't, no one 'deserves' sex. That's incel talk.

I hear your broader points and I am sympathetic but I think you've got your head in the sand here. You need to be out of this relationship.

It won’t work.

It doesn’t work often even for middle aged people tied together by decades of stuff. It won’t work for twenty somethings, especially as it’s not really your choice.

I'm not entertaining this in the hopes that it shakes dp to the core into action.

I've been so worn down by it all that I actually don't care anymore if he is coming or going. He can shag someone that is fine. This isn't about him! It's about me for once. I know people are saying it's not like I won't ever enjoy sex again but that is how it feels. I have not enjoyed sex for a big portion of my life. It all feels hopeless and doomed. I want to know that it is possible for me to experience what everyone else goes on about.

For those saying I'm staying for the convincene yes I'm not going to sugar coat it but guess what so is my dp. Because I refuse to believe he is happy with this. He is staying because he wants us all together and I think he is afraid of the alternative.

You're flogging a dead horse here.

Please split up and focus on coparenting with him.

In the future you'll find someone you're compatible with.

Sending love.