To propose to dp we sleep with other people

[Dieana]

Hear me out.

Me and dp are in our early twenties. We have a dc and house together. We have been engaged for 6 months now.

Thing is our relationship has been through alot of hardships very quickly and things have been rocky for there own reasons (which is another thread entirely). The main one at the moment and has been for a long time now is we don't have sex.

This all started just before I fell pregnant. It's now been over a year and a half since then and we aren't any closer to cracking it. We thought certain things would change the situation for us, e.g stopping breastfeeding or getting sleep filled nights. But truth of the matter is nothing has helped and I realised it has to come from us now. My sex drive is pretty non existent and dps pops up once in a blue moon where he will expect a quickie.

We have spoken to counsellors about this and they agreed we need to strip it back to basics. Problem is dp doesn't really want to put in the work. It's like he has his head buried in the sand about the extremity of the situation which is ironic as he was the first person to air out how much the lack of sex life was hurting him. Now he dismisses anytime I say we shouldn't still be in this position this far along with "oh its only being x amount of time" like its fine when it's anything but fine.

I feel like I am missing out on something major. Being a mum has stripped so much away from me and I've had to sacrifice so much being a "young mum" that it feels unfair to me that now I'm having to compromise my sexuality as well. I've stressed all this to dp. We have multiple conversations about this but ifs just not getting us anywhere. I don't look at myself as a sexual being anymore and to be honest I don't think im sexually attracted to dp anymore and (even though he denies it) I don't think he really is that much into me like that either. Whenever I say we should be trying he says he is tired ect and to be honest when he gives me an excuse I just take it because deep down I don't really want to do anything either.

I just feel way too young for this to be it. I feel like I have been patient enough and nothing has changed. Maybe it will. But in the mean time I want to feel diserable again. I want to feel sexy again and I want to remember what it's like to get lost in that level of intimacy with someone. I have brought up an open relationship before to dp if he couldn't get his act together. That was six months ago now. I'm not saying I want one but perhaps it would do us both some good (mostly me) to sleep with someone else as a one off.

I want to know if this is a me problem or a dp problem. I see strangers on the street and think they are nice looking but sex feels like such a foreign concept at this point I can't picture myself doing it with anyone. I'm becoming really depressed with the thought of things not improving. It angers me when I'm around friends my age and I hear about their happy date filled relationships and great sex lives.

I feel like it's a sham when people ask about our wedding but we don't even touch each other sexually, and when dp does its very selfish and abrupt. I've communicated with him about this all so many many times. I'm at a loss at what else to do. I don't want to end my family unit and turn my life upside down about this so it only seems that sleeping with someone else is the only other solution as crazy as that sounds. I feel cornered. And my gosh I fanatise so much about sleeping with someone and experiencing that major something I'm missing. I hate cheating but I've become so desperate that I'm considering it very much so. Problem is yes I've had a child and yes I've tied myself to family life but where the hell do I place myself in my own life. I feel like no one attends to my needs and I'm so miserable and upset about it all. I used to go out and meet guys and have flings and it was exciting. I used to feel adored and like a woman. Now I feel nothing short of a mum and nothing like the young adult I am. Is it so wrong to want that back? My life is just so uneventful. I love my dc with all my heart. But my dc can't be the only thing keeping me going in this.

I’m sure open relationships work for some people. But for the vast majority it’s a fantasy.

If you have sex with some random guy, it’ll probably leave you feeling empty and used and horrible. There won’t be any intimacy or love. And if there IS intimacy and love, you’ll get your heart broken.

And how would you honestly feel if he came home smelling of someone else’s perfume?

Either commit to repairing the relationship, or end it. One thing’s for sure - having sex with random strangers isn’t going to solve your problems.

OP, have you considered going back to work and building up the ‘non-mum’ side of your life? Building up your confidence and self esteem, finding some new friends, having nights out - in a nutshell having a good laugh and getting your mojo back.
This might bring your sex drive back.

As for your partner ‘selfish and abrupt’ - you don’t need this type of lover. Set the bar higher and cancel the wedding.

A quick shag with a stranger won’t fix this. Don’t waste your best years on this relationship. It’s not working.

You need to look at your future, get a rewarding job with prospects. Split up

Having sex on a ONS basis won't necessarily make you feel as sexy etc as you hope.That comes from loving yourself and putting yourself first. I really wouldn't recommend it until your in a better frame of mind. It can work for some but you have to go into it being complete and not looking for any type of validation from it. I have personal experience in similar circumstances and its taken a decade and therapy to realise why it wasn't the answer

Honestly, why don’t you just split up?

seems very simple.

I guarantee it’s not you that’s the problem. I agree that an open relationship won’t solve anything for you though and will just cause a lot of drama. Better to have a trail separation and shag people when you’re on a break, that might be enough to get your DP to get it sorted as well. Just be clear that you’re separating and both free to see people if you want to?

You are proposing to set a huge bomb off in your lives. I would suggest you....
Get a vibrator
Go back to work
If you cannot afford to leave now then you need to plan ahead.
If you have both got a bit boring and a bit saggy then you need to do something about it. If he won't then that's on him. You can exercise, eat well, avoid booze and you may find your sex drive returns.
You are young. You have options. Make a plan.

Just end the relationship?

Seriously what kind of example is this setting your child?

You say you have no sex drive and yet a lack of sex appears to be a huge problem for you - that doesn’t really make sense to me?
you seem upstart that you don’t feel as desired - I understand that and suspect that happens in every relationship once you move in together, share a schedule and children makes that even harder. But that is different to sex being the problem. And normally there is a trade off with less fiery desire and more compassion and deep affection. Having a child doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself, but that is a common struggle especially if time is limited. A ONS would not fix any of this but would cause untold pain and probably end any hope of improving your relationship. What might help is making yourself feel desirable as often as you can not just to go out. Maybe some dates but without the pressure of sex (which may come along)

Hmm.

All well and good but the reality that is life will surely hit you like a ton of bricks. If you are both wanting to shag other people are you ready for the realities of that? What if he gets somebody pregnant? What if you get pregnant? What will happen to your family then? What about your child who will literally be caught in the middle of all this?

Polyamory isn't a fix for problems.

It can work for some but every couple I've known who has done this for the same reasons as you, have also eventually split up.

Outside of asexual relationships, in those where the couple do desire sex, to get it elsewhere is detrimental to the bond you have together. When we sleep with our partner, we are flooded with happy loved up hormones.

It works fine in relationships which are polyam from the start, but don't count on it fixing anything in a relationship which didn't begin that way.

Got everything crossed for you. I do believe you can get back to how you were. But your partner does have to put that effort in.

You cannot be dependent on a boyfriend, especially one you don’t even want. You urgently need to get a job and house yourself if you haven’t already, this farce has been over for years, get you life in order to be a lone parent. Really, your sexy life is irrelevant, you’ve chosen to be in a financially vulnerable state and that needs fixed.

*sex life, ffs.

Name changed because I know what some of this lot can be like.
I'm in exactly the same situation OP, just a few years ahead and with another dc. I wish I hadn't married DH and I really would advise against doing it if you feel this way. My husband doesn't understand why I find our marriage so miserable, he seems confused when I discuss it. I am 100% staying out of convenience at the moment and I've been seeing someone else for the past 5 months. I wouldn't care if he did the same, in fact I'd be mildly impressed if he mustered up the motivation to do it. Anyway, it hasn't solved anything other than confirming that it wasn't that I was broken sexually. Just not into him anymore. If you can please leave and find proper happiness elsewhere.

How old are DC? This is really quite normal in the early years of childcare. It's so all consuming; no wonder you have no sex drive.
Do you ever get time just the two of you? We've found getting away alone and out of the house (a mini break with no children) does wonders for making you realise that you do fancy each other deep down...
But if the deep love and affection for one another has also slipped away, please don't press on and get married... it's much harder to unpick everything with a divorce

I agree shagging other people isn’t going to help.

TBH it just sounds like your relationship has run its course. I'm not sure how helpful it would be to start shagging other people: its not going to help with any of the things you need to improve your relationship at its core, eg trust, intimacy.

I assume you are reluctant to split without putting some work into it, given that you have a child. But I don't think introducing sex with other people will help. Maybe better to focus on an amicable split and respectful coparenting.

Yeah, nah, that ain't gonna help

If you've not enjoyed sex for a large portion of your life ( your words ) then I fail to see why having sex with a random with actually do anything for you.
What are you expecting it to do ? There will be no romance , no close feeling , no togetherness . It will be a climb on / climb off / dead from the neck down experience . I can't imagine you will be rushing back home with a ' I've been reborn ' feeling.

You're going to do what you want anyway, I really don't know why you're asking?
You have had tonnes of good advice, you've ignored it all.

You don’t need to sleep with someone to get the information you’re looking for. You’ve said it all yourself.

you’re not compatible and you shouldn’t stay there just for an easier ride, it’s not a good example to your child at all.

To those asking why I want to pursue a sex life if I have no sex drive. The answer is simple. It's because once up a time I used to have a sex drive and I want it back. I'm not complacent feeling no urges. I want to feel like that. I'm not asexual and this doesn't feel normal for me. Especially being so young. As I explained in my op it feels like (along with my identity) it's just another part of me that has been stripped away. I miss wanting sex. I want to want it again.

I want to know if I am just that sexually broken or if its a personal issue between me and dp.

I suspect lots of people encounter this but just cheat discreetly. I'd prefer not to do that but I can't just continue when things have not improved and I feel there is no hope.

I can't just keep being open and honest and communicating with dp just so he can tell me "yes dear I will try dear" to shut me up and then resume this nightmare for another year.

When I say I deserve sex I meant I deserve the possibility of having sex. I feel like being with my dp has ruled it completely off the table and I'm missing out on a giant piece of adult life. He is holding me back from it and it makes me resentful. I can't force him to try and I'm tired of being fobbed off.

I'm sorry OP that you are going through this, I am in a similar situation with sex being an issue after our baby. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's such an adjustment bringing a baby into the world, and can put a strain on any relationship. I feel for you even more so that you are in your early 20s and feel like your not getting what you need from a sex life. My DH and I basically stopped having sex when I fell pregnant, because he completely lost his sex drive, and it didn't return when our DC arrived. We realised after many many many months that it was due to a combination of factors, stress, mental health etc I moaned at my DH for a very long time before he finally decided to do something about it. He didn't want to deal with it, seemed better to ignore the issue in his mind, which did me no favours and only irritated me more. The thing is, the longer it went on, the more I lost interest in sex. That was major alarm bells that we had to do something. From reading your post it seems like you just want to sort it out, but feel desperate and would consider sleeping with someone else to help you understand your feelings towards OH, I.e if you still have a sex drive or if its OH you have lost interest in? To be honest, this wasn't something that entered my mind when our sex life was at its worst, but I can totally see how you've gotten yourself there, it's so tough, Its been a bumpy road for us too, but as your counselor said, we stripped it right back, put no pressure on ourselves, if we tried to have sex and it would end before we wanted it to, we'd say "that was progress, it was fun and we can try again in a few days" even if i was disappointed, i had to stay positive to give him the right state of mind for next time. It has not been easy at all, and our sex life is still not perfect, but a part of me just feels like sex isn't the main priority anymore, and I'm okay with that because I've had a great few years of sex being really exciting. I dont have alot of advice for you but the only way I think you can turn this around is to get OH on board, to put the work in and fix it. Try get him excited at the idea, do some sexting when he's at work! and keep talking to him, it might feel like your getting nowhere, but if he really cares and wants it to work, it should click eventually that he had to do more. I hope it all works our for you OP ❤️

One night stands or open relationship, whatever you want to call it- this won't fix your broken relationship. It will just make things worse.
In your shoes, the question I'd be asking myself is do you actually want to marry this man?
You can co-parent. Or you can work on the relationship that you have, but banging a random guy isn't going to fix the issues. I don't say that with any judgement- all marriages work in their own ways, but this won't be the fix you're after.

You should leave now if your seeing someone else.