Let down by my parents? AIBU to expect them to be there for me after first child.

[TheCluelessMum]

Want to know am I being hormonal/unreasonable or do I have a right to be pissed off.

I moved out my family home a few years ago? Since then my relationship with my parents has dramatically changed, I think my eyes have been opened to a few things.

More recently, at really the start of me being pissed off I wanted to know if I’m being over sensitive.

I recently had DD, 9 weeks prematurely… my daughter spent a week in the NICU. this was due to preeclampsia, and had I not given birth I would of likely had a stroke… but this is where my pissed-off ness starts.

1. my father didnt contact me for the entire

time me and my son were in hospital. When I’ve asked about why this was, the response was that my mum was speaking to me so he didn’t feel the need too.

1. When my DP told my parents we were having to have a c-section he asked for the information not to be shared as we didn’t know the condition of our child(due to premature) My mother ignored that and shared that information with my brother (who I have a very strained relationship with) when I asked why she did that, she advised that she couldn’t keep secrets with her son… (we would have told everyone, just a few hours later once we knew the situation.) and I didn’t understand how stressful it was for her…

Returning home from hospital we didn’t really hear much from my parents, and they kept repeating “we’ll come round when invited”. I kept asking them to come round but they would regularly say they were tired after work etc and would come round on the weekend. By the time my DD was 6 weeks old, they had met him 4 times. I was hurt.

We recently had family members over (to meet DD) where my mum said she wouldn’t of had children had she known how difficult the newborn stage was… this hurt me as she’d offered no support to me??? If she’d found it so hard, why wouldn’t she offer support.

they have a great relationship with brother and his children, but don’t seem bothered about mine. My father said the other week “oh I really miss brothers names kids… I wish they lived closer” whereas they have a grandchild (my dd) 3 miles from their home…

So after the last 11 weeks of me being disappointed I sat down to chat with them. I was hurt at the response (some as above).
But ultimately I asked what can we do to repair this relationship, to which my mother responded “I don’t think there’s an issue, if you do, then that’s something you need to work through on your own”

I do feel hurt and let down by my parents, I’ve just had my first child, in stressful circumstances and I don’t feel supported. I tried speaking to them and didn’t really get a response I expected.

Where do I go from here? Because I honestly feel like I am done with them. But they are my parents…

The answer is to talk openly about expectations and needs and not hope that people will pick up the information telepathically.

@Pluvia

Which the OP said she did.

As you say, people complain if they're not left alone and complain if they are.

What other people complain about is not really OPs fault or issue. That's just a MN trope.

OP is just living her Life .

Do you have a spiky sibling too? I love my sister but sadly I limit the time I spend with her because she can't seem to stop focussing on the small things that hurt her, rather than see the bigger picture. When we get together once or twice a year I start by feeling real affection for her. We talk about stuff, general life things, and we're fine. And then something comes up about my parents (whom I see as hard-working, kind people, very much of their generation, who did their best at juggling work and family commitments) and she's off, criticising and feeling hurt about something that was said or done thoughtlessly 20 or 30 or 40 years ago. None of it is major (we're not talking abuse or neglect), it's all about her expectations not being met, or someone saying something she didn't like. The strange thing is that she's been estranged from her own daughter for several years now, which has caused her great grief. Yet all she does is criticise my mother, which I find hard to hear. It's as if she never saw our mum as a individual with her own life. Just as someone who should automatically know what my sister expected and jump to it.

Sorry to go on. It's one of the sadnesses in my life and weighs ever more heavily as we get older.

Why is Op's Mum gaslighting?

Perhaps she genuinely does think things are OK?

Maybe she felt very hurt by Op.

Perhaps although she struggled she didn't realise that Op was or was waiting for her to ask for help?

What was it that you wanted them to say or do that they haven't?

And her mother is leading hers, which of course as an older woman she really isn't entitled to do.

You may want to have a great relationship but they don't see a problem. As harsh as it sounds unless you are all on the same page you're flogging a dead horse. You can't force them to see your side or point. I think just be polite keep doing what you're doing and don't expect much back.

And her mother is leading hers, which of course as an older woman she really isn't entitled to do.

@ancientgran

oh don't be so daft 🙄

As an older woman, what a load of tosh. You certainly don't speak for me, I never agree with anything you say. It's always bonkers.

Absolutely this.

And I think those that assume this are for some reason dismissing the OPs point that it was like that throughout her childhood, that her brother was prioritised, in their haste to see her as being demanding and over sensitive.

I can see why you are upset op. There is a very clear discrepancy in the way you and db were treated at this stage of your lives.

You went through a traumatic experience during what is always a very challenging time. I can’t imagine not being their for either of my kids through that and if they spoke to me telling me they felt the way you do I would be devastated and do everything I could to put it right.

Yanbu but you won’t change them.

And yet you're interested enough to monitor what I post, whereas I've never noticed your name. I never said I spoke for you so a bit presumptuous

Why is it tosh, the OP is allowed to live her life but her mother isn't? It's actually pretty typical of the ageism on here.

Why is it tosh, the OP is allowed to live her life but her mother isn't? It's actually pretty typical of the ageism on here.

Nothing to do with OP not letting her mum live her life. Total point miss.

Much more OP wanting a bit more love , concern and interest from her Mum and Dad.

Your parents don't need to be old to not show interest. @ancientgran

Wow… did not expect so many responses. Clearly there is a divide.

Personally I feel that when you have children, you’re not just “there for them” till they leave home. You are there for them forever.

I am confused as some people are saying I expect my parents to look after my child? Ha! Not a chance, I just wanted a hug and my mum to make me a cup of tea and tell me it’s going to be alright. It’s my first child, so I’m clueless… a bit of guidance and hand holding.

Thank you to everyone who has been kind, there are a fair few idiots on this post making wild accusations and comments. I do take all of them on board.

but seeing the divide in opinions has helped me to realise I am not unreasonable. I am daughter who needed her parents through a hard/life changing time, and when I said I was hurt I was told it’s my problem.

the only actions I can control are mine, and although it hurts to feel let down I will continue to remain gracious, but I will no longer fight for a one sided relationship.

@Aprilx i find your response extremely rude. You do know you can be a nice person and give your opinions without name calling.

@Karmabites also you are rude by name calling. I’m not whinging I’m asking for opinions. No need to be rude.

@ancientgran i think you have some underlying issues. I never expected my parents to give up there lives when I had a child. They can live their life as much as they want… just would have expected them to have been there for me (THEIR DAUGHTER) through a tough time.

please don’t project your clear issues onto my situation.

@sunglassesonthetable you are a wonderful human. Thank you for all your kind and honest words

I'm not interested in your posts but they are always weird so they stand out. Maybe that's deliberate and you're just attention seeking.

By saying an older woman isn't allowed to live her life in your victim-like posting style, you imply that all older women feel like that. Whereas I am perfectly able to live my life, work hard, study, have a full social life, but am also able to be kind to family members, especially when they've just had a baby and have had an operation.

There is plenty of ageism on MN but this is certainly not an example of it.

Returning home from hospital we didn’t really hear much from my parents, and they kept repeating “we’ll come round when invited”. I kept asking them to come round but they would regularly say they were tired after work etc and would come round on the weekend. By the time my DD was 6 weeks old, they had met him 4 times. I was hurt

I could have written that, my mum kept offering help, 'we just need to ask'

I did ask, a lot. But it was always something, either spending time with my brothers kids, or my dad golfing, or something. I was really hurt because DS1 was really hard and I was on my knees begging for help by the time they did help.

And by help, they'd come over and hold DS while I showered or took a nap. Friends who had babies the same age were having their mums stay over to help with the night waking.

I know I shouldn't compare, but its forever changed the relationship I have with my parents, not that they know as they still think they were a massive help.

Friends who had babies the same age were having their mums stay over to help with the night waking.

On what planet does that happen? I’ve never heard of it? How would it help, particularly if breast feeding? Surely when realising that a baby is imminent, parents to be are aware they wake constantly during the night and it’s not some weird surprise on arrival? It’s not like it’s a new thing babies these days have just started doing. Yes, it’s tiring and particularly when you also have toddlers/other children but people just muddle through and always have done.

On what planet does that happen? I’ve never heard of it? How would it help, particularly if breast feeding

On planet earth? I'm not sure if you think I'm making it up but yes it did happen in my pregnancy group.

Everyone's experience of a newborn is different, my 'difficult' baby didn't sleep lying down for longer tham 5 minutes till he was almost 4 months old. So that meant DH and I sitting upright with him all night. I was expecting night wakings with a newborn, but I wasn't expecting that. He wouldn't sleep in the carseat either.

I could really have used some help to hold him during the day so I could get more that 5 hours sleep per day

But that’s the reality, that’s what some newborns are like and that’s completely normal. And 5hrs sleep would be oodles as a new parent (I never got that pre children let alone adding children into the mix!). You get used to it quickly, and it can only last for several years max if they continue on as a difficult toddler/child. I had one who was still in bed with us most nights at 15yo when over 6’ 🤣. I think parents expectations these days are way out of whack.

I had one who was still in bed with us most nights at 15yo when over 6’ 🤣. I think parents expectations these days are way out of whack.

What?

Not sure you're in a position to tell anyone else how to parent, TBH.

@TheCluelessMum

I have just gone back and reread my post, as I do not remember name calling and was quite surprised as I don’t normally. And indeed I have not name called.

You seem to read insults into just about everything, it is quite telling and probably at the root of these perceived slights you feel from your parents.

Its not a competition on who had it worst HoppingPavlova, and you are wrong, the expectation of more than 5 broken hours sleep a night isn't for years and years isn't that too much.

After 10 months of that, paired with onl contact naps and walking 6 miles a day to facilitate them, my PND was so bad I was contemplating suicide. Is that too high an expectation?

I didn't get used to 5 hours sleep - it was/is (now that I'm perimenopausal) horrendous. Don't minimise it.

What on earth was your 6 foot, 15 year old doing sleeping with you most nights? Was there something wrong with them? Did they not have their own bed? If that wasn't the case then you're mad - point them in the direction of their own room and tell them to stay there.