Let down by my parents? AIBU to expect them to be there for me after first child.

[TheCluelessMum]

Want to know am I being hormonal/unreasonable or do I have a right to be pissed off.

I moved out my family home a few years ago? Since then my relationship with my parents has dramatically changed, I think my eyes have been opened to a few things.

More recently, at really the start of me being pissed off I wanted to know if I’m being over sensitive.

I recently had DD, 9 weeks prematurely… my daughter spent a week in the NICU. this was due to preeclampsia, and had I not given birth I would of likely had a stroke… but this is where my pissed-off ness starts.

1. my father didnt contact me for the entire

time me and my son were in hospital. When I’ve asked about why this was, the response was that my mum was speaking to me so he didn’t feel the need too.

1. When my DP told my parents we were having to have a c-section he asked for the information not to be shared as we didn’t know the condition of our child(due to premature) My mother ignored that and shared that information with my brother (who I have a very strained relationship with) when I asked why she did that, she advised that she couldn’t keep secrets with her son… (we would have told everyone, just a few hours later once we knew the situation.) and I didn’t understand how stressful it was for her…

Returning home from hospital we didn’t really hear much from my parents, and they kept repeating “we’ll come round when invited”. I kept asking them to come round but they would regularly say they were tired after work etc and would come round on the weekend. By the time my DD was 6 weeks old, they had met him 4 times. I was hurt.

We recently had family members over (to meet DD) where my mum said she wouldn’t of had children had she known how difficult the newborn stage was… this hurt me as she’d offered no support to me??? If she’d found it so hard, why wouldn’t she offer support.

they have a great relationship with brother and his children, but don’t seem bothered about mine. My father said the other week “oh I really miss brothers names kids… I wish they lived closer” whereas they have a grandchild (my dd) 3 miles from their home…

So after the last 11 weeks of me being disappointed I sat down to chat with them. I was hurt at the response (some as above).
But ultimately I asked what can we do to repair this relationship, to which my mother responded “I don’t think there’s an issue, if you do, then that’s something you need to work through on your own”

I do feel hurt and let down by my parents, I’ve just had my first child, in stressful circumstances and I don’t feel supported. I tried speaking to them and didn’t really get a response I expected.

Where do I go from here? Because I honestly feel like I am done with them. But they are my parents…

I had nothing,no support no visits for any of my 4 children ,you just learn to manage .you can’t change people.
however ,your parents have visited ,have cared ,have phoned while u in hospital.
id take your parents over mine any day .
don’t ruin your relationship with them by making them feel bad ,they did what they could .your children are your responsibility.
i think your being a bit entitled,if I’m honest…
but that’s probably because I’m coming from a place of having nothing with mine

Say what you needs are. If you expect them to check on you wit h phone call say it. when they come say in advance how you expect the visit to go. They might be frightened to death and relieving all kind of bad experience they won't share with you. Did they express the fright of loosing you ? Obviously you Mum needed a handhold while you were having your c section. At the end of the day you are their daughter and little bugger put your life in danger. Love at first sight might not be on for that one. Understand that too. The baby is very tiny it might be fearly scary even if you already were a mum and grandma. You have to carve the grandma role for your kids, I don't believe in natural and straightforward. In my experience it rarely is. But with time and frequent visit and communicating what you expect from them and them meeting you some part of the way ( they are not puppets either) they will work out a relationship. And no it will never be as you dreamed. It will be different. Because this is life. Congratulations.

I get you, OP.

It’s the disappointment, isn’t it? The belief that they’d be better than this - on whatever subject, not just having children - and the dawning realisation that a) your parents aren’t the people you thought they were and b) not only do they not care that you’re unhappy but they’re not going to do anything about it. In most normal situations you’d expect the other person to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I’d hurt you” then do something about it and/or make it up to you. But they’ve just shrugged their shoulders and said “Whatever”.

As I say, I get you.

Just to offer a different perspective my dad didn't call me after it was decided I needed to be induced as baby was not growing. My mum was with me, he didn't call on the morning of the section to speak to me but spoke to my mum and I was hurt as I've always been a daddy's girl and we are close. I spoke to him when dd was born and asked why? He said he couldn't bare the thought of me in pain and was scared, apologised and said he had been calling my mum for updates Maybe your dad felt similar?

I think they've seen your baby quite a few times in the first 6 weeks and are maybe trying to not overstep boundaries? I appreciate they live close so your expectations may have been different.

They don't want the relationship you do for whatever reason and you can't push it. I've since given up with my mil. Put all your energies into your own nuclear family and spend time with your inlaws if they are more loving towards baby and that is where you get more support.
You have been through a traumatic time and I can't imagine not wanting to help one of my girls had they been in your position. so I don't understand your mother's slant on it. Perhaps it is triggering for her?

As for the help after the section, it is nice to have but plenty of women get on with just having their partners help me included. I've had 3 emergency sections, my own mum lives 4 hours away but came to visit and stocked my freezer with meals and mil wasn't interested. It's nice to have the support of your mum whether it be emotional or physical qhen you are in pain but for some reason your mum isn't forthcoming. Don't give it too much headspaxe, this is such a special tike for you and I'd hate for you to look back on it with negative feelings because of other people's behaviour.

You can't force them to be the parents you want only learn from the experience and choose to be better/different yourself. x

Congratulations on your lovely baby 💐. It sound like you just wanted a bit of affection from your parents and maybe a hug or two. Absolutely understandable in my opinion to expect some support from those closest to us. I don't think you sound like hard work at all. Glad the other grandparents are lovely. Enjoy your baby, they grow up so quickly! 🐻

I agree with Saraclara.

Congratulations on your new baby!

I think you’re expecting too much. You’re a grown adult and it’s your responsibility to look after your own child. I presume you were living there rent free before? Many grandparents simply visit once or twice a year at best.

You might think that having 3 weeks of 24/7 people in your house while you are having a new born is heaven. But it's not. I also think they have learned from their past experience and they are giving you time to bond with your kid and rest. I think also that your mum is mature, she did not take on your feelings because they are yours, she must be feeling a lot of things also that she did not dump on you in your state. It might seem cold but this could have ended up pretty badly. It's not all grey. They do love you.

Oh OP I’m sorry. I feel like some posters are being very harsh here. It’s your firstborn and you had a traumatic experience and all you wanted was a bit of care from your parents. That isn’t unnatural, in fact it’s totally natural. Particularly as your partner had to go back to work so soon after your surgery.
I think sometimes parents actually don’t know how to react following the birth of a child, after all you’re an adult who probably hasn’t needed much depth of emotional or physical support from your parents for many many years and it might feel strange for them to suddenly be in your space sorting things out for you. I can see why their behaviour with your brother hurt your feelings, as others have said perhaps it’s because he lives in a different country and visiting and staying is a more full on experience.

I’d revisit your convo with your mum, maybe alone just the two of you. Instead of saying how upset she made you maybe frame it that even though it might not seem
it, you really need her at this particular moment in your life and you’d really value her input as you’ve never done this before. I struggled on for 6 weeks before cracking and calling my mum saying I needed her and would she please come and stay with me for a bit! She was quite shocked but she did come and was a huge help. Sometimes parents are wary of getting in your way or perhaps you look more capable than you feel. Try and open the convo again, she might be more receptive than you think.

Hi OP, this must have been very disappointing. You might get better responses on the Stately Homes thread. It's difficult for people with well functioning families to understand toxic family dynamics.

It's pointless expecting different from relations that have never been particularly tactful/supportive/helpful.

What I suggest is: look to the great people in your life (partner, inlaws, friends old and new). Prioritise them.

My best supporter is a friend quite a bit older than me I met at a choir. No relation but always there for me! My DP are a little like yours: hands off, more interested in my sibling and her DC (although she says they're most interested in their cats 🙄).

Looking ahead, if have more than one DC, read up on how to encourage good sibling relationships. I wish my parents had done this.

Congratulations on your baby.

because we are not made of money and DP had to go back to work the day after my DD came home from hospital & I was 7 days post surgery.

Isn't he entitled to paternity leave?

Congratulations BTW

I like @MummyJ36's comment. I've always been stereotyped as 'the coper' and 'the independent one' in my family. I've had to be outspoken when I've occasionally needed help as my mum and sis seem to just assume that everything goes swimmingly for me all the time (err no, I just found other people to support me as I got the message years ago that they wouldn't!)

There's a massive amount of projection going on from posters who have shit parents.
To those people: OP's parents are not yours. They could maybe do a bit better, but there is nothing other than only visiting four times in five or six weeks, to unpick here. Stop picturing them as your own useless or cruel ones. That doesn't help OP at all.

DD hasn't called? His wife has updated him (or was maybe on speaker) so he knows how things are...and possibly as a bloke he feels out of his depth

DM told your brother. He's family and she probably assumed he wasn't included in the ban. Also she'd have been scared shitless and need someone to talk to. I've been there. Your child giving birth when things are going wrong is the most powerless and anxious feeling for a mum. And no, we don't show it or tell our DD.

They miss your brother and GCs? Of course they do. It doesn't mean he's the favourite. They just miss him, and they'd miss you the same if you were the one in another country, and they'd tell him that they did.

DM had a perfectly normal conversation with friends about how hard the newborn stage is. I don't get your problem with that.

And yes, I agree with another poster that you might well have said something that implied that you wanted time to yourselves. That would explain why your DM said they'd come round when invited. I get that a bit more enthusiasm would have been nice, but I don't know how old they are, given that they were very tired after work.

Stop pulling tiny normal things apart to turn them into negatives. I have a family member who does this, and it's painful, and really sad that she wants to see the worst in us all.

The DP could be self-employed?

Congratulations on your baby. I think your mum is right. I don't think there really is an issue and if you think there is you need to work through it yourself. You can start by expecting nothing from anyone, including your parents. The less you expect from people, the less disappointed and hurt you'll be. Its not up to you to decide how your parents choose to spend time or whom with. They are probably visiting your brother more because it gives them a bit of a holiday as well as he's in Portugal. I don't blame them. Childcare/support in case of emergencies etc should have been taken into account when deciding to have a baby. Don't take the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" too literally. Stop whinging and get on with it, like millions of new parents do.

Yes, I thought of that after I pressed "post" @Phineyj

Op they were rubbish. My mum lived three hours a way and still came up for a week to help. She would always offer to come and help. The phone call to your brother is not worth bothering about though.

Sorry but your parents sound shit. My parents are dead, but my husbands mum came round after the birth, cooked and cleaned for 2 weeks while we adjusted to things. She would come up regularly (1.5 hour drive) and help out whenever she was here. She even took my 3 month old for a week when I had to work overseas. She was wonderful. You deserve better.

As “cold “ as she sounds, your mother is unfortunately right @TheCluelessMum in that if they’re happy with the way things are , there’s not much is anything you can do to change them.

Well done for having an open conversation with them, they clearly don’t see a problem so it’s up to you to lower your expectations regarding their
involvement in your life, otherwise you’ll keep getting hurt.

Yanbu, it's clear they favour your db and this has extended onto the GC now. I would definitely distance myself and my child from them. The alternative is that you chase them to be the gp that they are to their other gc, and set yourself up for major disappointment and heartache. Your dm has basically told you she isn't interested. They both sound like shit parents to you, why do you need your DC to go through that too?

Hi op ,sorry to Hear you had such a bad time of it .I had a difficult birth and my parents didn't cook meals or anything! They came round but we mostly managed together. They were retired though.if your bro lives abroad its different as they will see less of him .New babies are hard going .you are extra tired due to being unwell. Try to look forward and see them when you can .you don't want to fall out .they work still so maybe have less time than you think .

I think this post sums it up best.
They really do not sound bad at all to me. Certainly not the best, but nowhere near the worst.

God Alive you're getting a hard time on here OP.

Yes, after emergency major surgery and a new born I think you needed a bit of nurturing and TLC. It's what my DM did for me and what if I'm lucky enough to have DHC I'd do for my DC.
My mum's words to me were "how can I help?"

Childcare/support in case of emergencies etc should have been taken into account when deciding to have a baby.

😂😂😂 WTF. ☝️

I would overlook the telling of your brother and your dad not getting in touch. And put that down to just the situation at the time.

Since you've sat down with them and chatted I think they sound very cold. I'm putting myself in their position and if my DC came to me I would try and meet them half way.

What I wonder is if they were quite cold and standoffish before?
I'm so sorry OP . When you have your first child you often see your parents in a different light and I have a feeling your parents just aren't going to live up to your hopes.

Some parents don't. They don't sound particularly loving or supportive to me. Whatever other posters say.

You have to make peace with that. I'm sure you'll learn to cope practically most people do. The disappointment is the hard thing.

I'm hoping that as your LO develops into a personality they'll warm up and become as enamoured as they are with their other GC.

This is good advice. OP you are just wasting emotional energy lamenting that your parents are not what you hoped they would be.

MN can be a weird place. It's perfectly normal and natural to expect some enthusiasm and support from parents when a baby arrives. There's always a race to the bottom on this subject here.

Enjoy your time with your little one and lower your expectations of your parents.

Congratulations OP enjoy your lovely baby.
It took me 60 years to realise my parents don't care about me and my DS. We,ve always been outside looking in. I am the scapegoat and other sibling golden child. I no longer waste 5 seconds on them. Me, DS and DiL live 200 miles away. We no longer bother to have anything to do with them. Its taken many years of tears and therapy to get to this stage.
It's heartbreaking when you've been through so much and they won't even come and see the baby. You must be devastated.
Tell yourself this is going to be the last year that you will allow them to hurt you.
Please consider therapy when things settle down. Its absolutely necessary to free yourself from any kind of parental abuse.