Let down by my parents? AIBU to expect them to be there for me after first child.

[TheCluelessMum]

Want to know am I being hormonal/unreasonable or do I have a right to be pissed off.

I moved out my family home a few years ago? Since then my relationship with my parents has dramatically changed, I think my eyes have been opened to a few things.

More recently, at really the start of me being pissed off I wanted to know if I’m being over sensitive.

I recently had DD, 9 weeks prematurely… my daughter spent a week in the NICU. this was due to preeclampsia, and had I not given birth I would of likely had a stroke… but this is where my pissed-off ness starts.

1. my father didnt contact me for the entire

time me and my son were in hospital. When I’ve asked about why this was, the response was that my mum was speaking to me so he didn’t feel the need too.

1. When my DP told my parents we were having to have a c-section he asked for the information not to be shared as we didn’t know the condition of our child(due to premature) My mother ignored that and shared that information with my brother (who I have a very strained relationship with) when I asked why she did that, she advised that she couldn’t keep secrets with her son… (we would have told everyone, just a few hours later once we knew the situation.) and I didn’t understand how stressful it was for her…

Returning home from hospital we didn’t really hear much from my parents, and they kept repeating “we’ll come round when invited”. I kept asking them to come round but they would regularly say they were tired after work etc and would come round on the weekend. By the time my DD was 6 weeks old, they had met him 4 times. I was hurt.

We recently had family members over (to meet DD) where my mum said she wouldn’t of had children had she known how difficult the newborn stage was… this hurt me as she’d offered no support to me??? If she’d found it so hard, why wouldn’t she offer support.

they have a great relationship with brother and his children, but don’t seem bothered about mine. My father said the other week “oh I really miss brothers names kids… I wish they lived closer” whereas they have a grandchild (my dd) 3 miles from their home…

So after the last 11 weeks of me being disappointed I sat down to chat with them. I was hurt at the response (some as above).
But ultimately I asked what can we do to repair this relationship, to which my mother responded “I don’t think there’s an issue, if you do, then that’s something you need to work through on your own”

I do feel hurt and let down by my parents, I’ve just had my first child, in stressful circumstances and I don’t feel supported. I tried speaking to them and didn’t really get a response I expected.

Where do I go from here? Because I honestly feel like I am done with them. But they are my parents…

Working through your points.
Your dad didn't want to discuss your pre-eclampsia- could be a bit personal/ medical for him.Some people don't like to know too many details.
Your mum said she found the new-born stage difficult - is she telling you WHY she hasn't offered help? I'd be nervous looking after someone else's prem baby too.
You feel they haven't been to see you/baby enough. Well new borns can be pretty boring for anyone other than the parents. And four times is quite a lot.
Hopefully this will change when your LO is up and toddling and can interact.

I think it just sounds like a difference in expectation. Obviously the birth of your child is a massive thing for you but for them it is less so. LO is another grandchild but still too small to have a personality. Give them time for a relationship to develop.I hope it gets better.

To me, you just sound jealous of your brother. You don't like that your parents flew out when he had a baby, or that they told him you had a c-section, or that they miss his children.

But you are three miles down the road and he lives abroad. If they wanted to see his newborn, they had to go and stay. Maybe your brother enthusiastically invited them. Of course they miss his children - they live abroad and have had years to build a relationship.

I’m going to suggest that you didn’t have a great relationship with them before, possibly fuelled by jealousy of your brother, and now you expect them to change to suit you.
I have a DD who has disappeared from our life due to a BF, and it really hurts. But it’s her choice so we will move on in our own lives. I suspect she will want us to drop everything and help her when she has kids, but you can’t use people like that.
And to answer your first point, me and DH tell each other about calls/texts so we don’t both contact people. If you contact one of us, we both know.

I honestly think you are hugely over reacting and have forgotten you are an adult yourself. They have seen your child plenty of times, I agree with your dad that if mum was checking up he didn’t need to as well, your child being close doesn’t mean they cannot miss the other nieces and nephews.

I think your mother is right, this is your issue to work through. You sound exhausting.

Unless there’s more backstory then YANBU. You’re not expecting them to provide childcare - you just wanted them to show more interest. From what you’ve written, it doesn’t sound like they care much about you or your dc (you said he but then wrote Dd). Yes they’ve visited 4 times in 6 weeks, but they seem quite distant.

I sympathise, when I was 5 months pregnant my DM had a mental breakdown and was in hospital when I had my first son. I had a long touch and go labour. My DM was able to come and visit me in hospital and once a week at home. It wasn’t until I met with my health visitor that I had a bit more than the baby blues, basically I didn’t get the experience lots of my friends had. Fortunately I did have my MIL who although worked full time, came to visit at least 3 times a week.

I get you completely OP.
You will never resolve this.
You can’t change what your parents do. You can choose how to react though.

My db is the golden child and my dd was born 2 months before their dc. My dm gave up smoking to buy them a pram, my db earned 3 times what we did. We got zilch obviously.
My dd is 29 now. I run about for dm, db rings about 3 times a year. Last time was Mother’s Day.

Op some of the people who are minimising what your parents have done (or not done!) just don't get it. It's clear that it's part of a pattern from childhood where everything your brother does is super-wonderful whereas everything you do is just meh. Seen in that light, your feelings are totally understandable. If people can't see the difference between flying out immediately to Portugal for three weeks and four visits in six weeks to someone local, I don't know what to tell them...

For the record, if you were my child and recovering from pre-eclampsia, I'd want to help out as much as I could. I'd also be very excited about the baby. Congratulations on your lovely DD.

I don't know why there's this competitive having to do things without any support here on MN. It's baffling to me. It's not that you expect someone to do all the nighttime waking or change all the nappies. It's just nice to know that someone is interested in you and your baby. That they want to provide a bit of help now and then. Otherwise what's the point of family at all.

And as for breaking your confidence, that's unforgivable.

I think you need to prepare yourself that your parents will never be any different. They will continue to prioritise your brother and his children. It's up to you how much of this you are prepared to put up with but it's unlikely to change. How are your in laws? If they are more involved, I'd put more of my energies into family relationships with them.

I have been in your shoes and it’s hurts when they seem to help more with another sibling. I also confronted my DPs and got similar responses.

I’ve spent a lot of time being angry and upset but the biggest healer is accepting. Accept this is how they are, this is the level of support they want to give and there’s nothing you can do.

I just think when my children are older I won’t treat them the same way and will do everything to be there for them mentally and physically.

I think you were being a bit over sensitive about some things like them telling your brother and your Dad not contacting you when he was getting all the updates from your mum.
But I do think your mum’s reaction to you being upset was cold. You are hormonal and probably exhausted. To say it is “your problem” is not kind at all. The fact is they have upset you by not appearing to care for you and your baby as much as they could. I expect they feel this accusation is unwarranted. But your mum should have felt sympathy that you were feeling that way and taken the opportunity to reassure you. If someone’s upset it’s never a good response to tell them it’s their problem to sort out. Strange response from
your mum which may hint at a lack of empathy at the root of the problem.

I think this is your issue. You have high expectations of how you want the relationship to be, then they fall short and you’re left holding the baby feeling upset.

If you want to maintain a relationship, then for your own well-being you need to set the expectations lower:

• that sometimes they will say insensitive things
• that contact may not be weekly but every two weeks
• that they aren’t the ones you turn to for baby advice
• that information you wish to remain private isn’t shared with them

it’s all you can really do. The alternative is to keep upsetting yourself and it eventually getting to the point where you go NC.

You have a newborn to look after, you don’t need added stress. Take this issue away, make it not a problem, don’t compare, set the expectations lower.

This is a very sensible post

Sometimes it's easy to jump to the worst case conclusions about behaviour when actually if you detach yourself and take a step back there could be genuine if not necessarily reasonable reasons for it

None of this sounds bad to me. Yes, it'd be nice if they saw you more often, but in general MN is all about GPs being too demanding and not leaving new parents in peace.

Your brother and their other grandchildren live in Portugal. Of course your parents miss them, and those kids are children and have a relationship with them. Your child is still a newborn and they didn't know who she 'is' yet. And of course they flew to Portugal and stayed. They could hardly just pop in for five minutes.

Saying they wish the other GCs lived nearer is a perfectly normal thing to say. Saying that the newborn stage is really hard, is a normal thing to say. You seem to be reading far too much into perfectly normal casual comments.

I can also imagine that your mum didn't think that your brother was included in your ban on telling anyone.

If you needed help, then you should have asked absolutely clearly. The only point I'd agree with is that it would have been nice if your parents had offered. But maybe they didn't realise you were struggling? Maybe they are doing what most MN ers seem to want, oblivious that you need more?

But you do sound over sensitive and a bit like hard work, putting the most negative interpretation that you can on perfectly normal things that parents say.

Your parents sound ok rather than amazing, but you sound difficult to please. I think there is a mismatch between your unrealistic expectations and their sometimes disappointing behaviour.

What I would say is that some of what you are feeling is hormones so don't fall out with them or go NC like people on Mumsnet will advise you to do. You can acknowledge to yourself that you would have liked a bit more from them (although I think you mentioned that they were working?) without burning any bridges.

As for your brother's children, you mention they live some way away. That makes it easy for your parents to have a good relationship and say how much they miss them without having to actually do anything.

I think this is a combination of them not being as helpful as they could have been and your expectations being too high.

Some of it may also be a communication thing. Maybe at some point int he past few months you made a comment about looking forward to being just the 3 of you or wanting space or privacy etc. Sometimes a comment made in a moment in received in a different way than intended.

And my dad hates talking on the phone and also after hearing from my mom about everything birth, body, boob, and baby related - he is probably afraid to ask anything. Just not topics he wants to talk about. He is great at talking in person. Also he hears every detail from my mother and can't think of anything new to say. Now sometimes I talk to him first and don't tell my mother the same things I tell my father.

OP- this is one of the most special treasured time - please don’t let this be damped by family.
I had crash C section, plus preeclampsia it’s emotionally and mentally exhausting. Plus with a prem baby you have had a tough time. Perhaps you need to step back from the family?

It hurts like hell, but for your emotional mental health you may need to protect yourself.

I went through this with DH family and my first year of being a mum was filled with arguments, conflicts and unhappiness. I cut them out and all years later they have missed out in an amazing beautiful GS.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all.
You were in a very scary situation, your dad should have contacted you to show support. They should have kept quiet you went into labour prematurely if that was your wish. But must of all, if you are asking your mum for support, I don't know why she is not interested in knowing in what way she can help/ being closer/ have a bond with you and DD.
It was similar to me. My mistake was to keep trying having a lovely relationship with my parents and they kept letting me down though years. Until I accepted some people have loving mums and some just have mums. You won't change them. Focus on your DD and DP, they are your family now.
Sorry you feel so hurt, OP x

I think you're very hormonal at the moment, understandably. Some of the things you mention really aren't big deals - lots of people say that about newborns for example and it may have been your mother's way of trying to make you feel better because of the stressful time you had. My mother can't keep a secret and would do exactly the same, I'm not saying that's right, it's just the way it is. You may also have been giving you some space because that's what new mums need.

It sounds like they enjoy you asking for crumbs of their attention.

Just ignore them and concentrate on your baby. If they want to see you, see them if you’re available but don’t go out of your way for them.

Congratulations 🌺

Following your update - yes I can see why you feel let down.

You needed a bit of nurturing from your mum but for some reason didn't really get that.

Unfortunately you can't change people but you can only adjust your expectations. Work on the basis that you'll only get a small amount of support from them and then anything extra is a bonus.

YANBU
It's not like you're expecting childcare for a toddler so you can go on spa days and shit. You and your baby were seriously ill, and your dad couldn't even text you? It shows that he considered the communication to be for their benefit, he had the information from his wife so didn't need to contact you. Rather than that you needed support and love at a difficult time. He didn't need anything from you and didn't care or acknowledge that you needed something from him.

I also think they haven't visited much to say how ill you are, if it had just been a simple situation and they're just coming to see the baby then it's not a terribly amount. But you needed support, they should have been round when you could, even if they don't want to look after the baby. No one looked after my baby, they looked after me. Surely you want to make sure your child is OK, no matter how old they are.

And when you've told them you're not OK they've said "not my problem."

I think they're those parents that think parenting stops at 18 and you're on your own now. It's shit. And it's shit that they idolise your brother, DH parents are the same and I'm about at the end of my tether with it atm. You just have to accept the situation though, you can't change them so change your expectations. And remember their unbalanced treatment of you and your brother when they need care. So often I see parents refuse to help one of their adult children then expect that child to help them because obviously golden child is too selfish important.

Your son was in hospital at the same time you were giving birth to your daughter?

Congratulations on your baby.

it sounds a bit stressful for everyone but I think you are also looking for faults.

Is it that you often push them away, have had difficult periods with them and are then confused as to why they aren’t rushing forward? If we asked them would they say that they feel they can never get anything right with you?

OP I too had an unexpected last minute planned c- section and I totally understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes you just need your mum there to support you. They don’t even need to do anything in particular but just message to ask how you are doing and come round and make you a cup of tea and bring some biscuits.

Thankfully my parents acted as you’d want them to - they were both very worried about me and messaged/called quite a bit in the week I was in hospital (I wasn’t allowed visitors other than DH due to Covid) and then came round as soon as they could. They did need some directing in terms of what they could do to help in practical terms but as soon as I’d explained they just got on with it. As my mum put it “I want to look after my baby so she can look after hers!”.

As for the PPs saying newborns are boring - not when that newborn is your grandchild! My parents are besotted with DC and tell her how wonderful she is even when she’s screaming the house down or has done a poonami!

I’m so sorry that you haven’t had that experience. The sad fact is you can’t change who they are so it’s better to lower your expectations and accept that you will need to seek the support you want elsewhere - maybe with ILs or NCT or friends.

congratulations on your lovely new baby and hope you heal well from the c-section. Take it easy and look up scar tissue massage from 6 weeks PP.

It's really hard when you realise that you need to just not expect much from your parents. It does help when you decide to lower your expectations.

It still hurts though. I had surgery as a young adult and had to be cared for by friends afterwards, even though my parents lived an hour away. My dad sent a card.

Then my sister who lives further away had a C-section and my mum went to stay with her for six weeks to care for her and it was just a given. Okay.