Let down by my parents? AIBU to expect them to be there for me after first child.

[TheCluelessMum]

Want to know am I being hormonal/unreasonable or do I have a right to be pissed off.

I moved out my family home a few years ago? Since then my relationship with my parents has dramatically changed, I think my eyes have been opened to a few things.

More recently, at really the start of me being pissed off I wanted to know if I’m being over sensitive.

I recently had DD, 9 weeks prematurely… my daughter spent a week in the NICU. this was due to preeclampsia, and had I not given birth I would of likely had a stroke… but this is where my pissed-off ness starts.

1. my father didnt contact me for the entire

time me and my son were in hospital. When I’ve asked about why this was, the response was that my mum was speaking to me so he didn’t feel the need too.

1. When my DP told my parents we were having to have a c-section he asked for the information not to be shared as we didn’t know the condition of our child(due to premature) My mother ignored that and shared that information with my brother (who I have a very strained relationship with) when I asked why she did that, she advised that she couldn’t keep secrets with her son… (we would have told everyone, just a few hours later once we knew the situation.) and I didn’t understand how stressful it was for her…

Returning home from hospital we didn’t really hear much from my parents, and they kept repeating “we’ll come round when invited”. I kept asking them to come round but they would regularly say they were tired after work etc and would come round on the weekend. By the time my DD was 6 weeks old, they had met him 4 times. I was hurt.

We recently had family members over (to meet DD) where my mum said she wouldn’t of had children had she known how difficult the newborn stage was… this hurt me as she’d offered no support to me??? If she’d found it so hard, why wouldn’t she offer support.

they have a great relationship with brother and his children, but don’t seem bothered about mine. My father said the other week “oh I really miss brothers names kids… I wish they lived closer” whereas they have a grandchild (my dd) 3 miles from their home…

So after the last 11 weeks of me being disappointed I sat down to chat with them. I was hurt at the response (some as above).
But ultimately I asked what can we do to repair this relationship, to which my mother responded “I don’t think there’s an issue, if you do, then that’s something you need to work through on your own”

I do feel hurt and let down by my parents, I’ve just had my first child, in stressful circumstances and I don’t feel supported. I tried speaking to them and didn’t really get a response I expected.

Where do I go from here? Because I honestly feel like I am done with them. But they are my parents…

Tricky one. I think a lot of dads of that generation just see keeping up with the children to be the mum’s role- he may well have thought that he’d done his bit through his wife, iyswim. Telling your brother something that you asked her to keep private is exactly what my mum would have done and it’s really annoying- you have my sympathy.

The rest- Sounds like you just have different expectations for what counts as being supportive. I initially wondered whether your parents were just trying to give you space and misjudged it, but if you were asking them round a lot then perhaps not. Also think sometimes differences in behaviour towards first grandchildren and later ones can be explained by the grandparents getting older and simply not having the energy (or marbles, in some cases) to be as hands-on with later grandchildren.

I wonder how SIL felt at having her in-laws stay for 3 weeks when she'd just given birth 😯

Been there, got that t-shirt. It’s really hard to take when you see other parents being far more hands on and interested in your babies and children (just a couple of examples- my in laws didn’t come to see their first grandchild for nearly 2 weeks after he was born because they had a church coffee morning, and I wasn’t allowed to go and visit my parents as my dad didn’t want the disruption, so mum had to travel 4 hours to see us or we had to meet halfway), but I came to realise that I couldn’t change them and that I was never going to have the kind of relationship that I had envisaged. It was incredibly hurtful, both for myself and my children who really didn’t have a relationship with 3 of their grandparents.

I think that all you can do is try and accept they can’t be the people you hoped they would be, and try and build your life without them being there as often as you’d like. I really do sympathise.

I moved out my family home a few years ago? Since then my relationship with my parents has dramatically changed, I think my eyes have been opened to a few things

@TheCluelessMum can you explain what you mean by this ?

Ha! I wondered that, too. And maybe if they felt in the way, they learned from that, and that's why they're not crowding OP and waiting to be invited.

I wonder how SIL felt at having her in-laws stay for 3 weeks when she'd just given birth 😯

I thought that.

HRTFT, only about a third. This has reminded me of when my sister, who has always been quite spiky and very easily hurt, had her baby a couple of weeks earlier than expected. My parents, who were good people but who ran a hands-on business 200 miles away, weren't able to drop everything and get down to see her immediately. It was three days before they could make the journey. She's held this against them for 30 years: it comes up time and time again, along with lots of other little slights that weren't intentional. She's someone we tiptoe around on eggshells because anything we say can be held against us in future.

So my response to you is that reading through your posts I'm thinking you're someone who instead of seeing the positive — your parents have visited 4 times, your brother was in touch — is focused on the things you think they should have done. Flipping that may help you feel better and may make it easier for them to respond to you.

I think there's a bit of both

You are being oversensitive about your Dad when you were in hospt (lots of Dads are like that), and TBH your mum talking to your bro (he is close family - I understand you aren't close but he's her son and really what did it matter that she told him). I also think your Dad's comments about missing your brother's kids reflect that they are kids with personalities - your baby is a newborn, there's no reason to think once she's older your parents won't bond with her.

I do think it sounds like they haven't been very helpful in terms of care given you've had a challenging time. And you are entitled to feel disappointed by that. It might be that your brother is the golden child, that going to portugal made helping out with his kids appealing, or just that they've done it once and don't want to do it again - in fairness, they are still working.

It sounds like your mum was a bit bemused by your bringing it up, and I suspect that's because your over sensitive feelings and her practical lack of support were mixed up.

I would take a step back, and restart with them. If you want support - ask for it direct. You may not be able to get as much support as you like, but hopefully you can get some. Over the next 2 years I suspect they will develop a relationship with your daughter and that will be nice for her. You might have to readjust your feelings about them, or you might find it comes fairly good. But at least your PIL are helpful which is great.

There's a massive amount of projection going on from posters who have shit parents.

There’s also a lot of assuming from people who don’t have shit parents that this is there is to it. People who have good parents don’t realise that things like this can just be the latest in a long line of crap and that individually all the things are minor and borderline irrelevant, but they add up to so much more.

This is a very good point!

I wonder if your mum had post natal depression and is struggling with the thought of helping you until your baby is a little bit older.

It could be that your brother and his wife weren't supported by your parents either at the newborn stage and his wife's parents helped, and it's only now their children are a little older that she's come to build a relationship with them.

You live just down the road from your parents, they will see your DC more than they will see your brother's children. We live at the other end of the country from my PIL, SIL is just down the road, their DCs have a much closer relationship to PIL than my DD does, and her cousins have been spoilt more. Its our choice to live this far away so I try not to take it personally, but DD is an adult now and can see the differences.

I do think they will take a greater interest as your child as she grows up, and is more 'exciting' as her personality develops, they can take them to museums, sports etc, she's already done the baby phase with your brother's children. Its unfair but its life. My eldest brother had twins as the first grandchildren, followed by a singleton, his wife was quite ill for awhile so mum ended up doing a lot of free childcare for three under four. When my other two brothers and I had children, she never expressed much interest when they were babies / toddlers because she had already been there done that. However as our children grew up she paid a lot more attention to them and enjoyed spending time with them.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. So sorry you are feeling hurt. As always it is difficult when hearing one side of the story, but you do sound very sensitive, and almost looking for things to be upset about. My dad for instance wouldn't have dreamed of ringing me ever - it was seen as mother's thing to do, in every situation. It doesn't mean he didn't care though - mother would keep him informed and he would act when called upon.The call from your DP, re delivery situation, was probably very frightening for your mother, and if she is close to your DB, this may have lead to her rushing to ring him, to share, and to make him aware you were at risk yourself. He is your brother after all. It seems your brother was quick to contact you too, though you weren't happy with him sharing his own difficult experiences, could it of been a clumsy attempt at empathy? Surely he also offered concern/congratulations? You can't really compare your parents level of support to you, to their support for your DB for 3 weeks after the birth of a child they had to travel abroad to see. Your father's comment about DB's children, sounds very appropriate too. I would ask for specific help when you need it (or even when you don't, just to change the pattern of behaviours). Allow the GP relationship to build. Try to focus on positives and improving your emotional wellbeing. How is your mood generally OP? These early months are very difficult, but it's not everyone else's fault. Please don't burn bridges.

So sorry you are having this awful experience. Its tough when parents prefer one child over the other. Its sad when their own issues from the past cause this much pain.

*saraclara
Ha! I wondered that, too. And maybe if they felt in the way, they learned from that, and that's why they're not crowding OP and waiting to be invited.*

Hmm I thought this at first. But remembered that OP has spoken to them quite clearly about their involvement and they're still not really bothered.

OP, you are certainly not looking for thing to be upset about. There are things that are upsettig in your life.

To be honest my husband rarely contacts our kids, it isn't that he isn't interested but I do it and tell him and he isn't one for chatting on the phone so that's OK for him. I don't know if our kids are offended but it goes two ways as they tend to phone me rather than him. Do you phone your dad much? Is it normal for you to talk on the phone?

Some people just love the baby stage, others like the toddlers or when they are a bit older and fun to talk to. I think 4 visits in 6 weeks is fairly normal unless parents live far away and move in for a while.

You've been through quite a traumatic time and I don't think dwelling on if your parents have lived up to your expectations is a positive way to be thinking.

This.
It happens all the time. Friends with lovely supportive parents like to rephrase your shit situation (they never had themselves) and at the end you tell them nothing. I wonder this is because it makes them feel uncomfortable or just plain not getting it.
It's shit. Full stop.
OP the thing that helped me the most was being a better parent to my kids myself.
Best of luck with the little one.

I have amazing parents, I get on very well with them. I wouldn’t expect my Dad to message or ring me if I was updating my Mum. 4 times in 6 weeks would also be plenty for our relationship but they’d be there more if I asked. They also comment that they miss my brothers children who isn’t nearby, it doesn’t reflect on their relationship with my children just that they miss them which is normal.
I know there’s more information you’ve provided but I just wanted to share what my normal is and it doesn’t mean I don’t have a great relationship with my parents because I do.

Four times in six weeks is absolutely shit. Only on Mumsnet would people say otherwise. In RL I don't know anyone who would say that was okay (unless the two families lived a distance from each other)

YANBU or demanding op. You are a new mum who wants support from her parents. I'm sorry your mum gaslit you when you brought it up and I'm sorry people on here are saying you're in the wrong for wanting help.

I will say though that my dad would never have messaged me. It all goes though my mum.

If it helps I rarely see/talk to my dad. I see him once a year for a week.
We talk on the phone for about 5 minutes two/three times a year. (He actually talks to my DH more over the phone but only about boring motorbike problems!)
It's not because he's not interested it's because my mum passes on all the information.

Your mum is gaslighting you though. Maybe you could go low contact for a bit and see if this makes them think about their behaviour towards you and make some positive change.

I don't think my mother or either set of my PILs visited 4 times in six weeks when any of my kids were born. Honestly on MN you get "I don't want visitors for the first month/six weeks/until we're ready as we are going to bond as our own little family or I thought my parents would be round several times a week to support me. Grandparents really can't win.

my sister, who has always been quite spiky and very easily hurt

She's someone we tiptoe around on eggshells because anything we say can be held against us in future.

There are lots of people like this on Mumsnet, and I often think the only reason they aren't fully alienated from their families is because their parents and siblings are very patient and bite their lips a lot. And the spiky difficult person never appreciates this but comes on here to post about all the ways in which they have been wronged, and other similar posters rush to tell them they are a victim and should confront or go NC. It is sad in cases where the family really haven't done anything awful.

YY, this with knobs on. Sounds as if they tried to be hands-on with the brother's family and learned from that mistake. As you say, people complain if they're not left alone and complain if they are.

The answer is to talk openly about expectations and needs and not hope that people will pick up the information telepathically.