Rent and bills. Doesn't seem fair. AIBU?

[Perfectworld]

How would you split bills / rent in this scenario?

Both of us have 1x child each from previous relationships, both late 30s. Fiancé earns £120k, I earn £28k. I currently get child benefit and UC top up, which will cease when we move in together. He has suggested we pay half the rent each, plus he covers all joint utility bills, meaning I still have all non 'joint' bills e.g. my mobile phone, my car payment. Due to this, I will probably be left with less that I currently have spare each month (which is already very little). The rent I pay will be the same as I pay currently, due to needing a bigger house to support both of our DC. I will be worse off some months, and others about the same financially because I cannot claim UC or child benefit. On more expensive months, for instance, the months when DC's school dinner fee is due, I will be worse off than I am now. He will be saving approx £2k per month in this scenario, which he has said will be put towards joint savings.

What do you think is reasonable for each person, how would you split finances?

See that’s not how I read it at all. I don’t think he’s trying to get her to pay as much as possible. I think he’s made a sensible proposal as a starting point for discussion, without knowing the full detail of OP’s finances - and she hasn’t told him yet what the impact is.

I did ask but she hasn’t answered… does he know how much of your income is UC and that you’ll lose it? Actual numbers?

OP, you're not really listening to people... He sounds horrible. Really unpleasant. Why are you with him?

Stop focusing on the minutiae of your finances and ask yourself why you're with someone so tight and selfish that he thinks it's ok to take away money from his fiancée and her child.

He is on a much higher wage than you, yet still in debt.
Wait until he has paid his debts off before considering moving in with him.
The bills should not be 50/50 when he earns so much. If you got pregnant, would he allow you to give up work and pay for everything or insist you go back to work? You need to talk about these things before settling down together.
My DH earns more than me so pays more towards the bills. That’s how a partnership should be IMHO.

So how have those things worked out up until now? How have days out been split? Treats? Holidays? Joint expenses?
If you are in a commuted long term relationship these things must have already come up.

The issue to me isn’t the exact split but your posts are full of ‘probably’ ‘maybe’ and assumptions. Why isn’t this all clear cut at this stage?
He has already suggested paying 100% of the bills so there’s nothing we know so far to say he is an unreasonable guy. Does he know you will be losing money in benefits? Did you say point blank ‘when we move in together I will lose £X’ and what was his response?

It doesn’t seem like you can have an open conversation about finances and that’s the real red flag.

@Testina that's a fair point. Does he appreciate the OP will lose CB and UC?

You should be able to move to a shared arrangement and both be better off (or very close). If one of you (the lower earner) is significantly worse off. That's a problem. As it stands now it seems like he's making a profit from this arrangement.

I also have complex arrangement. We both approach it trying to make it fair for the other. It roughly works.

Without wanting to sound morbid, what would his will say? What would happen if he died? Would his DC inherit half the house? Or would it all be yours? And would you be able to afford it? Would you inherit any pension pot or other savings from him or would his DC get it all?

OP, but you are not an equal partner! Suggesting otherwise is silly. Equally suggesting one pot and being upset about being called a gold digger. If you intend to benefit financially from someone else's income means exactly that.
There are people who would be happy to subsidise you, he clearly is not one of them.
People gave you good advice, I. E. Discuss beforehand who pays for holidays, going out, presents, treats etc. Not just the bills. You absolutely should suggest more sensible split that won't leave you in a worse situation. If you can't agree on financials now then it would be madness to move in and build resentment on either or both sides

@orwellwasright OP, you're not really listening to people... He sounds horrible. Really unpleasant. Why are you with him?

Really curious, what exactly do we know so far about the bf that makes him horrible and really unpleasant?
Don’t we only know that he suggested 50/50 split for rent which amounts to the same OP pays currently, he will pay 100% of the bills and will set aside joint savings for them?
We have no idea if OP has said she will lose benefits by moving in, we have no idea that he wouldn’t make up for that, we don’t know what OP said to him in response to his suggested split.

You make it seem like savings would be in his name but belong to both of you. I'd be very reluctant to put my savings in his name especially as he has debts.

Nothing that OP has said, suggests that he is even aware that he’s taking money away.

We don’t even know that he is!!
OP said she was “probably” worse off.
Why are you expecting him to know about her figures when she doesn’t.

As another poster here just said - the red flag is that she’s not talking to him.

I earn far more than my husband.I can tell you that long before we married and he moved in with me, hr already knew who would pay for ice creams on a day out. (Me) Why doesn’t OP already know?

How old is his DC? How often does he see them?

I don't think that agreement will work and you definitely need to have more conversations about this before making a decision to make it really clear what will be happening.
I certainly wouldn't want to enter into a situation where I'm financially worse off and worried about payments and bills etc.

I also wonder with you saying that everything for your child is to be paid by you - what the relationship is like between him and your child?
I'm not sure how old your DC is, but when moving in together, isn't this you joining as a family?

And I'm wondering what that is like if he's saying he'll have no financial contribution to your child whatsoever - to the point where you're imagining he will be reluctant to even pay for an ice cream for your DC and will only buy his own child one.

I know you could be imagining something that might not happen - but you're thinking it for a reason.

That still leaves him with £105k pa!!

Absolutely fucking not.

He earns 120k!!!!! If I was moving in with a partner on that high a salary I'd be expecting them to pay the majority of expenses.

You're going to be worse off if you move in with him. Just don't do it. He doesn't sound like a very kind or generous man op. Willing to put 2k away in savings a month but has told you flat he won't contribute anything for your DC?

You sound like a giver and he sounds the total opposite.

@MrsOwainGlyndŵr pretty sure he’ll be paying those expenses out of post tax income.

he’s definitely trying to pull a fast one with the OP but let’s not get carried away

Have you spent much time together as a ‘family’ ie with both DC? How are the dynamics then?

You also need to discuss how childcare is going to work. Once you’re in the same house, it will be very easy for you to slip in the default childcare role eg for school holidays & after school, if your child is there all the time. And then the days he does take off he’ll want one-to-one time with his DC, so it’s not even a reciprocal arrangement.

Why would he know ?
i’d say 90% of the planet has no clue how the benefit system works do you know I actually met somebody last week who told me that people receive benefits now for their dogs? She was actually being deadly serious she believed that because she’s been told it.

It’s a real difficult one, if the roles reversed financially they’d be telling you not to move in as well. & definitely not mix finances. Ironic really.

Its not just now it’s also things in the future - It will impact your child - if they want to go to uni his income affects your child maintenance loan - the household income is taken into account.

Do you intend to have children in the future? You say you don’t receive Maintenance for your child? So if you where on maternity leave how would you afford school uniform etc for your child? I don’t know your circumstances but your child should receive maintenance from their father.

I guess do you want a blended family? The only thing I can see is if he pays more rent?
You must be on a very low income or the rent very high for you not to be able to pay half rent and your own costs? I can imagine if the roles reversed, & the women coming on saying I earn £120k and he only wants to pay a small amount of rent & I pay for all other household bills - we all know what he would be being called on Mumsnet.

You lost me at £120k vs £28k.

Bin him and run a fucking mile. This has financial abuse written all over it.

Op, how long have you been together? How old are the children?

The number one reason for conflict in a relationship is money...you are starting out in with financial conflict (you will be definitely feel resentful).

It looks like he has worked out a proposal which feels fair to HIM. If he doesn't have empathy for your situation then it's a red flag. Especially if you believe you are a generous person (selfish people exploit that trait)

Don't make any assumption on his willingness to split household chores, given his attitude to money. It's easy to sleep walk in losing your home!

Is he so wonderful that you're prepared to pay for the privilege of living with him? If you think he's worth the financial loss then may the good lord help you. NEVER put your financial security in the hands of someone else, you're a mother. You may think he's fabulous, he's not. He's a pig for even suggesting such an unfair division of funds. You'd be well advised to take a long hard look at him. One person would benefit from such an arrangement and it wouldn't be you.

This isn’t an arranged marriage to a man you haven’t met before though. You’ve decided to marry him! (although, you didn’t answer what “fiancé” means - plenty of people seem to say that without a wedding in sight…)

The first “family day out” that my second husband and I did - when he was my boyfriend of 9 months - was a theatre trip to London. Not only did I buy all the tickets, when we arrived I pulled out surprise envelopes for the planned “look around the shops”. He had 2 late teens, me 1 primary aged - all got £50. He bought dinner for us all.

I’ve already posted that he doesn’t get half my money. But he knew, long before we married, what my attitude to money and sharing and differences and the children was.

So this “will he buy his kids an ice cream and not mine?” question is odd to me.

I wouldn’t be engaged to someone that I couldn’t already answer that question about 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to talk to him about you being financially worse off moving in with him.

I don’t think it should be one pot. You shouldn’t however be out of pocket this significantly. It’s really not fair. Maybe he doesn’t realise how much worse off you will be… I don’t know. You will know though by his reaction when you talk to him.

Good for you op. Why does he want you to move in anyway! Selfish imo.

Red flag

I'd be asking him why he expects you to pay a far greater percentage than he does.