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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave my kind and dependable DP

115 replies

Daisyinchains · 18/06/2022 10:47

Currently living with DP of four years, we're both mid 30s. He's a lovely, loyal, demands nothing, kind, caring, hardworking, intelligent, funny, cheerful. I'm happy with him. However. I'm quite adventurous and like travel, trying new things, would like to live abroad again etc etc. We do go out hiking and cycling together a lot, but he is more of a sit at home watching TV type. Picky eater, eats the same food every day. Wants to go on same UK holidays every year. Wants to stay living in the same area he grew up in and where he plays in a sports team. I wonder if these differences are a sign I should leave? Or is it normal to have to compromise on something like this?

To be honest it's my first proper relationship and I always had a fear of ending up with someone like my father (physically and verbally abusive). I feel like I've lucked out simply finding someone who doesn't have an angry or aggressive bone in his body, genuinely cares for me, who I have interests and a moral compass in common with, and who I can be myself with. There's no perfect partner right?

OP posts:

HerTableLaid · 18/06/2022 10:52

You can’t have a fulfilling life with someone purely because they’re not abusive and are ‘kind and undemanding’, when he’s clearly routine-bound, and local-focused, and you’re not. Do you really want to commit to living exactly where you’re living and eating spaghetti (because it’s Tuesday) forever?

Beaucoup · 18/06/2022 10:54

Mid 30s are a good time to consider what you want out of your life. Where do you see yourself 10 years later? 20 years later? What’s re your priorities? Who we share a home and household with is very linked to our broader life goals and ambitions so it’s worth thinking about what you want more broadly, and then whether he fits into those plans.

MRex · 18/06/2022 10:57

You don't love him, clearly. So is better that you separate now than once you have kids. I suspect you'll leave him and regret it, but if you aren't compatible then you aren't and you need to hold onto that in future when you start second guessing yourself. You deserve to enjoy your life and he deserves to be with someone who loves him.

tendence · 18/06/2022 11:00

There are probably (close to) perfect partners (in plural - I think you can have a good life with different people), but I would beware of expecting to fill all your needs and wants with the same person. Very few people meet such a perfect match. And I would say it's better and healthier to have relationships and getting your needs and wants filled with different people, rather than getting everything from one person.

I would build on the good things. You are more adventurous, but he is willing to cycle and hike. Does he like it, or does he simply do it to make you happy? If the former, could you try a little bit more adventurous things with time?

Food - he prefers simple food, but is he willing to try other things, or does he complain if you eat different/new things? Big difference to me. Is he simply a little lazy or doesn't enjoy cooking?

If someone is very happy living in an area, has good relationships there and a healthy social life, it can be hard to see the benefits of moving somewhere else. Would you be happy there eventually, if you get to live somewhere else for a while?

If you explained that it is important for you to try new things, would he be willing to try? Would he spend time trying to think of things? Alternatively: would you be willing to be the main 'organiser' thinking of and planning things, if he comes along with a positive outlook?

Can you compromise: new holidays every other time, same-ish every other time? Or can you go on holiday with other people too sometimes to meet your other needs and wants (that's what I do sometimes).

My working life has provided me with opportunities to live in other places, and I have done so. I was in another country for eight months, and within the next two years I'll probably do another six-month stint abroad. That works fine for us - we are ok on our own for a while as well and enjoy meeting up when we can. It does not feel like we're 'giving up' or something.

I really would not end a relationship based on what you have written.

artisanbread · 18/06/2022 11:01

There are ways around some of it,eg you could travel etc with friends. It depends how important that sort of thing is to you. To me, the most important things are shared values, humour and similar attitude to finances as well as someone I can rely on so the other things wouldn't be as important to me. It would be frustrating for you if you are very keen to move around and live in different places. Sounds like you might end up becoming resentful of him if he stops you from doing these things?

something2say · 18/06/2022 11:01

This seems like a simple case where he's genuinely a good guy and you're a good woman, but you're not compatible.

I'd leave. Sadly. And then work to accept the reality and plan myself an exciting future.

He's not the only good guy xx and it's a big world and you're young and want to spread your wings. If you handle it well, you could end up friends.

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 18/06/2022 11:02

Do you have or want children OP?

Pekkala · 18/06/2022 11:03

Hi Daisy, I settled for Mr Nice for far too long because he gave me stability and an easy life (not financially, I was the higher earner, but just he was laid back to the point of horizontal).

I got a job abroad and am now single. I love every second of it and am off to a new country this summer to try that for a couple of years. There was NO WAY I was going to be stuck in the damp in small town England for ever, when his idea of excitement was going to Waitrose on a Friday evening.
Run Daisy Run!!

Sparkletastic · 18/06/2022 11:04

He sounds like a nice guy but that isn't enough.

Poptart4 · 18/06/2022 11:04

There is no perfect partner and I'd be wary of thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. One thing ive learned from mumsnet is there is alot to be said for a partner like yours. There seems to be more frogs than prince's out there.

That being said it does sound like your settling with him. You want different things from life and that may cause resentment down the road.

Bottom line is do you love him? Is he worth the sacrifices you'll have to make to be with him? Only you can answer that.

Staynow · 18/06/2022 11:05

Why don't you travel on your own? Or work abroad for a year and have a long distance relationship for that time? If he's open to you doing those things even though he doesn't want to then I don't see why it couldn't work. Who knows when you keep telling him about the amazing things you've done he might start to feel he's missing out and decide to join in.

SamBeckettslastleap · 18/06/2022 11:05

I married in my 20's and I didn't know who I was, by my 30's I had found out but was already enmeshed with mortgage and children.

my dh is a very decent guy but I'm waiting to leave, I want to fly and he wants to nest. I wouldn't choose to live this life if I'd known what I wanted.

You deserve more than just a non violent man.

Aksbdt · 18/06/2022 11:05

If you’re still with him in 10 years then how does that make you feel happy? When I think about that with DH I feel very happy but I’ve had nice kind boyfriends where when I’ve imagined that I’ve felt stifled and knew then it wasn’t the relationship for me

Querty123456 · 18/06/2022 11:05

I left a guy just like that and have always regretted it. I thought I’d find someone more exciting to settle down with but that’s never happened and have now missed out on having my own family. I’d say only leave if you’re sure you can’t make compromises.

Poptart4 · 18/06/2022 11:06

That being said it does sound like your settling with him. You want different things from life and that may cause resentment down the road.

Bottom line is do you love him? Is he worth the sacrifices you'll have to make to be with him? Only you can answer that.

notanothertakeaway · 18/06/2022 11:07

All relationships involve compromise

I'd say a kind, decent man with good moral compass is a keeper

Vikinga · 18/06/2022 11:10

I couldn't bear to be with a man like that. I'd be bored to tears.

A mate should be someone who you love spending time with. Who interests and fulfils you. Not someone who holds you back.

There are plenty of adventurous men out there.

NuffSaidSam · 18/06/2022 11:11

It depends whether he stops you doing what you want or whether he's happy for you to do what you want, but he doesn't want to join in.

If it's the former, then leave.

If it's the latter, it sounds like a reasonable compromise.

I'd also think about whether he is really stopping you, or whether he's just a convenient excuse for why you're not out there getting what you think you want.

1VY · 18/06/2022 11:14

You have no kids, you are not married. You have chosen to live with no legal ties or commitments.

Leave now, you are too young to settle.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/06/2022 11:14

Agree with PP that I think you should figure out if you can do the things you feel you want to without him or if being with him will stifle you and lead to resentment.

AnnaMagnani · 18/06/2022 11:16

The things you like about him - kind, caring, hardworking, intelligent, funny, cheerful - are really important things.

The things you like less, is it possible to move him on them? Plus of course you have to compromise as well.

He is a picky eater. When I met my DH he was a picky eater who liked plain British food and had a list of foods he never ate. 12 years on he is an annoying foodie and only one of his 'never' foods is still on the list, although he still doesn't do spicy. I started with Delia and gradually moved on from there. I did the cooking and compromise was I cooked it and he ate it. Turned out, he had broader tastes than he thought.

He likes hiking and cycling and so do you - common interests are vitally important. Would he like a hiking holiday? OK, you might have to organise it the first time round but once he's seen the light. Compromise is some holidays he likes and some you like bearing in mind with cost of living crisis there may be no holidays at all

You don't touch on bigger issues like children. You want to travel and maybe like abroad. However you are in your 30s - is this going to happen or a dream from your 20s? Moving to another town because of a job and finding a new sports team is more likely but then both of you would need to do it. Those are the real compromise areas in relationships.

Namenic · 18/06/2022 11:25

I think there are 2 big questions: how important are the adventurous things to you? And do you want kids?

With respect to the kids - it’s tiring and stressful travelling with multiple kids (1 is ok and can be manageable). I’m reasonably adventurous and don’t go a lot of places with the 3 kids. But as they have got older - I have taken them 1 at a time on mini adventures (to London or a show or whatever). DH would prefer not to do these things himself, but understands it is important for the kids.

i guess you have to see whether you would prioritise adventure or kids or DP. But if adventure is high priority, then discuss with your DP how much he is willing to compromise and decide - it wouldn’t be fair if your preferences made the other v unhappy.

Rinatinabina · 18/06/2022 11:34

I think eventually you will feel suffocated and unhappy. You may both be very lovely but staying together means one of you has to sacrifice what you want.

Have you spoken to him about wanting to leave or travel? Maybe he would come along?

You get one life, it’s precious, this is your one crack at it, it’s important that you live it in the best way that pleases you without causing harm to anyone else.

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/06/2022 11:34

No there isn’t a perfect partner, but it doesn’t sound like you love this man, or can have the life you want with him. Teams move at the pace of the slowest person, so right now you are limiting your life to fit the life he wants.

Don’t waste your life, move on.

goldfinchonthelawn · 18/06/2022 11:42

Why not experiment with doing some of the stuff you want to do without him?

Why not challenge him to come on an adventure holiday with you and see how he gets on. I did this with risk-averse DH and he ended up really enjoying some incredible holidays he;d never have done without me nudging him.

You can be compatible if you are the adventurous one and he is the stable one.It doesn;t have to mean you completely kill that side of yourself. You fulfill it sometimes wihtout him and sometimes by nudging him to join you. I think that's part of the fun and adventure of marriage or long term partnership - how he help each other grow and change.

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