To leave my kind and dependable DP

[Daisyinchains]

Currently living with DP of four years, we're both mid 30s. He's a lovely, loyal, demands nothing, kind, caring, hardworking, intelligent, funny, cheerful. I'm happy with him. However. I'm quite adventurous and like travel, trying new things, would like to live abroad again etc etc. We do go out hiking and cycling together a lot, but he is more of a sit at home watching TV type. Picky eater, eats the same food every day. Wants to go on same UK holidays every year. Wants to stay living in the same area he grew up in and where he plays in a sports team. I wonder if these differences are a sign I should leave? Or is it normal to have to compromise on something like this?

To be honest it's my first proper relationship and I always had a fear of ending up with someone like my father (physically and verbally abusive). I feel like I've lucked out simply finding someone who doesn't have an angry or aggressive bone in his body, genuinely cares for me, who I have interests and a moral compass in common with, and who I can be myself with. There's no perfect partner right?

I agree with all you’ve said. I had a traumatic childhood and inside I thought I couldn’t trust anyone. I would be interested in someone until they showed interest back. My lovely DH told me straight away he like me. I told him I wasn’t interested for 6 months until someone else sent him a valentine’s card! He had spent the 6 months being the loveliest friend I had ever had and I realised I hated the thought of him being with someone else!

I agree.

I think at least half of men are abusive in some way, not necessarily physical abuse, but negging, criticising, bringing you down. It really is quite rare to meet a heterosexual single man who isn't an arsehole. And I don't mean the ones I date, I mean the ones I encounter at work, at meetup groups, etc.

I think if you're not fortunate enough to meet someone decent in your twenties or very early thirties and stay together, it really is slim pickings. This idea that OP, in her mid thirties, can leave a lovely man and find someone who is somehow more compatible....I just don't think it's likely. I left my last partner at 35 because I realised during lockdown that he was an abusive arsehole and I had no choice. I don't think I'd have left a decent guy just because he was a bit boring.

If he was willing to consider living further away from his family would you potentially have more disposable income? I mean maybe not a jetsetter lifestyle but there's a whole spectrum between that and being stuck with a one bed flat because he's not open to moving.

Haven’t RTFT so sorry if someone has already mentioned this. Have you sat down with him and explained that you’d like to travel and do some more exciting things? If so, what was his reaction? That’s really the key to this. My DH has travelled far more than he otherwise would have, because he’s married to me. Similarly, he’s encouraged me to explore some career opportunities that I’d never have considered.

Talk to him about it and if he’s encouraging and says that he’ll at least give some new adventures a try, because it’s important to you, it means he really loves you.

If he won’t even consider it, you may not be compatible. What you’re asking isn’t unreasonable or unrealistic ( relocating to the other side of the world, for example, might be at this stage!), so there should be room for compromise. He could try a few more exciting holidays.

I agree with this. I remember a friend coping with two DC who had severe measles with complications while she was in her third trimester, and her wonderful 'adventurous' DH was off climbing mountains that could kill him.

Not my idea of fun.

I agree, @goldfinchonthelawn . One of my friends is married to someone like that-nice guy, but totally self-absorbed and obsessive about his hobbies. She decided not to have children with him, even though he initially said he wanted them….she actually said to me that she realized that she’d end up doing all the work!

Luckily having children wasn’t a huge priority for her so it’s worked out. I couldn’t live with someone like that though!

I've not taken to it but a book that is often recommended for women in the OP's position is Untamed: Stop Pleasing, Start Living. (Or, how to stop settling for an unsatisfactory life.)

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B082K7QXRQ/?

I take what PP are saying about the difficulty of finding someone with whom you're compatible and shares your view of an enjoyable life but:

• you can't meet someone when you're coupled-up and in a way from restricted from meeting the sort of people with whom you'd share interests.


• you might discover that you'd sooner live alone than rub along in companionship.

Thanks for all your responses so far, really interesting things to think about.

Maybe it's also be the realisation that I'm in my mid 30s, and I'm bored, and stuck in a tiny cramped flat in a dull as dishwater area. But honestly, I couldn't do any better if I went it alone. I never imagined this would be my life in my 30s. I have an interesting and meaningful career (but not well paid), lived abroad for some time, and did a lot of travelling and socialising in my 20s and early 30s. Maybe I'm trying to fight the inevitable monotony of life. But then again I don't want the turbulence of my parents' marriage either.

Also just to note, living near my parents isn't important to me as we're not close. I have no other family, and my friends are all over the place. I'd give a limb for a close, loving family, so I can't really begrudge him wanting to stay within visiting distance of his I guess. It's just very limiting.

I think it really depends what you want in the future.
If you want children and a settled life it sounds like he would be a very good father and you could build on your relationship by communicating and making compromises. Reading posts on here shows how many poor excuses for fathers are out there.
On the other hand if travel and adventure is more important to you and you don't mind insecurity and being self sufficient, then leave.
There is no guarantee that you will find a better relationship if you leave, you may or you may not.

Why couldn't you do better if you went it alone? I think you could. You could rent a one-bed on your own for a reasonable price in loads of cities/countries. You can live a digital nomad type life for a pittance if you're prepared to rough it a little bit. Is that what you want, though?

I was living your life in my late twenties. Steady relationship, one-bed flat, life fine but dull, frustrated about not travelling as much as I wanted or doing the things I wanted to do. The relationship ended because he turned into a dick (started holding my neurodiversity against me, being abusive, calling me pathetic for not being able to cope as well as he could) and so after a year or so of feeling miserable, I packed my bags and went travelling alone at 30. I did more in those few years than in the previous ten.

I've got itchy feet again, not least because things are turning to complete shit in the UK. I do have ties here (niece, nephew, support from friends) but if I didn't I'd be off like a shot.

Personally I would hang onto him and do the adventurous stuff with friends. Obviously if he sulks and tries to stop you you should sack him but if not, for me, his positives would outweigh the negatives. Mind you I'm 10 years older and possibly value different things!

OP,
You sound bored and restless.

He is NOT "demands nothing" if he dictates where you live, how you live and what you eat.

That's actually a lot of demands IMO.

Have you sat down and talked about how his comforts appear to be ahead of yours?

What about middle ground?

Does he cook his picky food or are YOU doing it?

Is he stopping you having a decent joint social life together by his love of a night in?

Are his hobbies enough for him socially?

He may be a nice man but he sounds as if he likes a lot of things his own way.

I'd be wary of that as it has regret written all over it, especially if you don't care to have children.

You sound as if you have got yourself in a rut. Apart from DH and his family have you made any links in the area to make it feel a bit less dull?

Hiking or cycling groups? Anything else you are interested in?

He has his social life with his sport but what about YOU? There will be people out there, just in some areas you need to look a bit harder.

I have approx nothing in common with most of the people in my village but after turning up religiously to every village event however tedious and ignoring a lot of political opinions I've got good friends and it's not so dull anymore.

So, you’re in a ‘dull as dishwater’ area. Which are usually quite cheap, but you can only afford a small, cramped, one-bed flat between both of you?
I presume he also works full time?

Very strange.

There’s no such thing as the ‘inevitable monotony’ of life you know. There’s so much to do and see, new people to meet, new experiences, new hobbies, I can never imagine ever getting bored! And that’s just in Manchester (where I live). In fact I don’t have time for all the things I want to do!

Also to clear up a few things:

He's very supportive and would be totally fine with me going away for a few months travelling or working overseas. He'd never stop me doing anything. I think secretly he'd be a bit sad though.

He cooks, does all his share of the chores etc. He grew up in a house where beige oven food was the norm and eating was very functional, and he's never broadened his horizons. He's a meat and potatoes man. I'm a massive foodie, love spicy, strong flavours, veggie and vegan, but to be fair I have a couple of friends I eat out with a lot.

True, @AnnaMagnani I have no friends locally. Pandemic hasn't helped with that, although theres not much here for women my age without kids. My best friends live hours away and my nearest friend is over an hour away (although we usually meet up in the city).

I do think he needs to meet you half way on this, because that's part of being in a relationship. To take a trivial-ish example, why should you both only holiday in the UK because that's what he wants? My DH was quite unadventurous about stuff like travel & food when we first met, but to his credit he actually listened & engaged when I said that I felt our life together felt a bit constrained. Fifteen years on he now actually enjoys travel well the travel we now get to do anyway & trying a wider range of stuff, and would say his early reluctance to try new things was lack of self-confidence + habit based on upbringing (his parents are very staid & stay at home).

I think were you to leave you should be prepared for never meeting another man who is at least as pleasant as your DP. So assume were you to leave that you could be single for your whole remaining life. That is no crime if you would be happy with that.

I didn't pursue a serious relationship with a guy who sounds a lot like your partner, even though he would have been perfect in every other way and everyone who knew us was convinced we'd end up together, because I knew that years down the line I'd find myself in the same position. I also knew that if I ever did meet someone more 'exciting' I'd be tempted to stray, and thought it would be better for all concerned not even to allow that scenario to arise in the first place. Years later we're still best friends, with occasional benefits when he's single, and I have no regrets whatsoever - trying to convince myself I could compromise when I couldn't would only have led to heartache for both of us. I realise it's not the same as when you're already in a relationship, but that's the perspective I'm coming from.

In my case I think the key was that I was already sure I didn't want children, and I also knew I'd rather be single forever than in a relationship where I felt constrained. To be honest I'd always sort of assumed I wouldn't ever meet someone who'd be compatible with me, and if a person came along who was then that would be a bonus rather than an expectation. That's what you need to consider, I think. The world is overflowing with men who love novelty, travel and adventure and would probably be thrilled to meet a woman with similar interests, but as PPs have said, in my experience very few of them make good long term partners or are willing to settle down if and when you decide that's what you do want after all. So if you leave your current partner, it's best to do so on the assumption that you won't have a family and you'll end up long term single or in serial short term relationships rather than the traditional marriage til death us do part scenario, and a lot depends on how you feel about that.

Another thing to consider is how you'd feel about the worst case scenarios if you did break up. Would you be alright if he decided he never wanted any contact with you again? What if he moved on really quickly, or five years down the line you hadn't met anyone and he'd married someone else and had kids with them? If any of that would eat you up inside then you need to think carefully, because none of those situations are especially unlikely. And if none of it would then it doesn't sound like the relationship has much of a future anyway.

(As a side point, I expect you've already thought about this but as you haven't explicitly mentioned it, everything you've said is also something to factor into your decision as to whether you do want children. They are almost certainly going to place a lot more limits on your freedom than your choice of partner!)

@Daisyinchains "It's just very limiting."

It has to be a compromise - I think - you shouldn't start living your life as their carers now - that's what it might be in a good few years time - now more than ever is your chance to live your own life - the feeling of the need to be close might be a lot stronger and more justified when his parents are older, infirm, possibly suffering from dementia/Alzheimers etc - you shouldn't let this excuse - that he needs to be near his parents - limit what you do in life as a couple - extend that argument and he may as well move back in with them.

I think these threads are always tough because we are just a bunch of strangers on the Internet and our own experiences and desires will all colour what we say.
This is your life. Will you be happy with this man or will you always have a little feeling in the back of your mind that you're not fully happy?
He sounds like a great man, and if beige oven food as you put it was how he was raised, maybe he doesn't know how to really cook, and that can be worked on. I grew up a beige oven food person but now aged 30, having been with my DH for nearly 11 years, I have become a massive foodie. He was very unadventurous when it came to travel and going to gigs and we have seen lots of places together and love a good concert.
Sometimes we can bring the best out in eschother in relationships if we are both open minded, but you know you and him and what's going on deep down and whether you can happily compromise on things.

There is not much anywhere for young women without kids!

The only way forwards is to pick out interest groups (or not actually that interested groups) and be determined. And not be put of if the first one or six you try are damp squibs.

In terms of cooking, I'd recommend Delia or Mary Berry to get away from beige oven food. A gentle expansion on the world of meat and potatoes. From there you can drift to Italian, Spanish, French... He may never make it to eating a curry for pleasure but you have already moved his horizons enormously.

My MIL was shocked when she discovered DH was having vegetarian food for dinner and looking forward to it! Definitely a home where meat, potatoes and veg boiled to a pulp were the norm.

There is not much anywhere for young women without kids! bar day time play groups surely there's everything there is for women with kids but without childcare issues

Why not tell him that you are about to end the relationship due to these reasons. I am sure he does not think you are perfect either! Alternatively, if he is happy for you to go on adventures without him, maybe that would also work.

I likely won't have kids in all honesty, for many reasons, and I'm fine with that.

@psychomath I've also assumed my whole life I would always be single, and was pretty content with it. I've never bothered with dating or anything. DP is pretty much the only guy who gets me and who I enjoy spending every day with. If we split I'd fully expect to be single forever. (I'm not afraid of that though).

He's very supportive and would be totally fine with me going away for a few months travelling or working overseas. He'd never stop me doing anything. I think secretly he'd be a bit sad though

That sounds great. I wouldn’t leave a man who is generous enough to respect your freedom.

Now, if you are bored and no longer love him, it is better to leave no matter how good he is.