To leave my kind and dependable DP

[Daisyinchains]

Currently living with DP of four years, we're both mid 30s. He's a lovely, loyal, demands nothing, kind, caring, hardworking, intelligent, funny, cheerful. I'm happy with him. However. I'm quite adventurous and like travel, trying new things, would like to live abroad again etc etc. We do go out hiking and cycling together a lot, but he is more of a sit at home watching TV type. Picky eater, eats the same food every day. Wants to go on same UK holidays every year. Wants to stay living in the same area he grew up in and where he plays in a sports team. I wonder if these differences are a sign I should leave? Or is it normal to have to compromise on something like this?

To be honest it's my first proper relationship and I always had a fear of ending up with someone like my father (physically and verbally abusive). I feel like I've lucked out simply finding someone who doesn't have an angry or aggressive bone in his body, genuinely cares for me, who I have interests and a moral compass in common with, and who I can be myself with. There's no perfect partner right?

If you want kids and love him stay. If you leave you risk never having children and the exciting type of men are not usually very domesticated.
with regard to food you cook yours and he cooks his own some nights. Dh and I hardly ever eat the same dinner. It’s not a big deal.
holidays and days out go on some with him, some in your own and some with friends. Again that’s what we do.
I suppose ultimately it depends wether you want a relationship where you do everything together or if you are happy to many things separately.

It is better to leave now than in your 50s like so many men and women do.

You will never be happy if you don't travel etc when you are young so your marriage will breakdown anyway.

Nobody can say you are being unreasonable - its just how you feel.
I am always curious when people leave "good" people though. I personally NEED a stabilising partner because I am rather erratic. It can feel (not for ME but generally) boring having someone who is kind, caring, funny and down to earth!

If he doesn't try to restrict YOU then I'd say what is the issue? I have very different interests and personality to my partner - though she would never stop me doing things that I like/wish.

Oops forgot this!

Does he flatly refuse to go away to different places etc? Have you asked him directly and he said no?

Whilst "adventurous" guys are fun, I often find that in the long term with that risky streak comes impulsivity. I find it tends to happen that people go for the "risky" and "adventurous" types and then realise that they aren't reliable and things fall apart.

If you want kids and love him stay. If you leave you risk never having children and the exciting type of men are not usually very domesticated

This.

You do not want to be posting about how you have 2 under 2, your DH has never changed a nappy and is currently crossing the Atacama desert without you because he can't bear not to travel and dismissed your idea of a trip to Paulton's Park that the kids would enjoy.

Not being in an abusive relationship should not be seen as lucky. It should be a standard.

If you are not in love with this man let him go to find someone who does. Same for you.

What's more important to you - travelling and living abroad, or staying with your partner and maybe marrying him and starting a family?

Could you fulfil the adventurous side of things by travelling alone or with friends and family for now, and see if that's "enough" for you?

There is no shame in leaving a relationship for any reason. Sometimes two nice people just aren't compatible.

Having said that, sometimes we read on here about real losers who can't be pried from the couch, but your DP doesn't sound like one of them. He likes TV and the area he lives. He likes getting out hiking and cycling, and taking holidays. Hardly a boring shut in.

I have to agree with these pps:

Why don't you travel on your own? Or work abroad for a year and have a long distance relationship for that time? If he's open to you doing those things even though he doesn't want to then I don't see why it couldn't work.

I'd also think about whether he is really stopping you, or whether he's just a convenient excuse for why you're not out there getting what you think you want.

If you want him to be organising this stuff for you and taking you on trips, then I think YABU. Go by yourself or with friends. I'm married with kids and I travel by myself. Why not?

My dh is a hermit socially and like hiking but i don't, we don't need to hike together, he does his hiking I do my thing.

I go off to places and events with friends, now we have ds it works out well that he doesn't like going out, we both get to do our own thing.

We don't eat the same food, I am veggie and fussy, he cooks for himself and ds, it really is not an issue.

You are in a relationship, you don't need to be the same people, a little compromise, eg alternate holidays. Whether you want dc or not would be a factor for me, whilst some people do travel extensively with kids that is unusual imo as when they are tiny it is harder and once in school expensive. So having someone grounded locally would be great, you could still go away with friends for example.

You sound a bit bored. But even if he doesn't like to travel what's stopping you? You can do a holiday together then you go off on another alone or with a friend?
If you want to try different things, would he not occasionally want to try them too (I'm not talking about emerging extreme like abseiling, but like a new restaurant). If really stick in the mud then you either do these things with a friend or decide that he's not the man for you.

I think you're mad, to be honest.

It's so, so hard to find kind, decent men at this age. The vast majority of men have settled down and OLD is just a merry-go-round of narcissists, liars, cheats and general dickheads.

That's not to say you won't run into someone lovely. I certainly hope to, and have met a few men through hobbies who seem very nice. But is it really worth throwing away a relationship with a kind, dependable man because you're not quite aligned on the adventure stuff? Why can't you go alone? Surely that's what you'd be doing anyway if you broke up? Or is it a dealbreaker for you not to be able to share those experiences?

Would you be prepared to be single in the long term if you left? Because the kind of men who are interested in all the stuff you've listed aren't generally the kind of men who want to settle down. You may luck out here - a friend of mine did, at 39, but it's not common.

We're both undecided about kids, it's not a decision either of us take lightly, plus housing is a big factor. We currently live in a one bed flat on a high street and can't afford to rent/buy anything bigger than a small flat within an hour or so of his family. I'm likely to have fertility problems so have always been open minded about having a family. And in all honesty, I'd feel a bit sad bringing kids into the world at the moment.

Poor guy. He deserves better.

If you are anticipating fertility problems then obvs don't leave your decision too long.

And as a woman older than you, my experience is that the world has always been rather crap, we are just more shielded from it when we are younger. I don't think I've been reading anything good in the news since 2008 and before that I was busy with my career so I probably was missing out.

If you want children you should have them. I've pretty much only felt maternal for about 5 minutes so not having them was an easy decision for me and by the time I met DH time had basically run out. But the state of the world isn't a reason to put them off, there's always trouble somewhere.

I think he sounds kind which is fairly rare nowadays! Fun men who like travel and adventure can be the same with women! I think if you want a family then stay .however there are trips with friends abroad,or even go alone .uk holidays can be fun in Scotland or many lovely places here .small compromises really

I mean this in the kindest way, but if you can't afford to rent or buy a bigger place, can you afford to travel and live abroad in the way you want?

What I mean is - are you going to leave a lovely, kind dependable man for what is just a pipe-dream due to financial restraints?

What about your family, OP? Where do you want to live?

Really tricky one! Ultimately you don't know what the future holds, you are with a good man who you have a reasonable amount in common with. You could leave and end up with your absolute perfect partner who is up for all your travel and adventure and live happily ever after or you could leave and end up single for a long time as you can't find a man who is exciting/adventurous AND a good person or you could have your heart broken by the exciting/adventurous bloke, when they leave for the next shiny exciting girlfriend. I think the suggestions of doing exciting things on your own are sensible, I'd also give it 6 months of trying to make it work; talking to him, trying different things etc before you decide to leave, as then you are less likely to have regrets as you've given it your best shot.

I'm quite adventurous and like travel

Truth is, if you have got the curse or blessing of being a jumping bean, you will keep changing and desiring other things so… you are not going to find some one who can perfectly keep pace with you because even if that someone is as adventurous as you. His own personal growth will take him somewhere else while you do the same.

My advice, if you love this man and have a good relationship with him, is to work on the “periphery”: cultivate a bit of independence so you can follow your dreams while he is doing his own thing. The best trips we had as a couple were those were we did our own thing during the day and met for dinner at night to tell each other about our own adventures.

Now, moving abroad is a completely different thing, if you change the context the relationship changes and the fact he is not keen on getting out of his cocoon, makes me think he won’t enjoy the adventure and neither would you.

Do you even 'want' a proper relationship?
Some people don't care either way. They meet someone, and like and get on with them, but can happily be single otherwise.
The majority of people do, but that's probably because of children and finances.
If you've already lived abroad, and want to do so again in your mid-30's settling is probably not for you. Break up with him and go your own way.

i think you need to resolve whether want to have children and where you want to live (IE do you want to live abroad/for how long etc). Once you have an answer to those questions you can then ponder your relationship/discuss with him and make decisions based on that.

Be very careful, and the grass is definitely not greener on the other side. Not all life is pleasant and a breeze, full of happiness and fulfilment, it can be dire and extremely unhappy even when you chase your dreams, things can backfire. Or you work with what you have and thank your lucky stars.

You could pursue your travelling and other interests with friends/a group of people interested in the same, you don't have to live life joined at the hip.

He sounds a keeper to me, you don't want the alternative. You have a chance of being happy but I don't think he deserves you and your critique. Sorry but you sound selfish and I don't think a relationship is for you. Relationships don't suit everyone. Maybe let him go, someone else would appreciate his good nature.

I left someone when I was 30 for similar reasons and was so worried I was asking a mistake because he was kind and lovely and there was nothing "wrong" as such.
Best decision I ever made
I now have a DP who is also kind and lovely but more on my wavelength and even after the "honeymoon period" has passed and we're settled into life, he still gives me butterflies and I want to not only travel and adventure but want him to be there with me. I look forward to seeing him at the end of the work day. If I'm honest with myself, I never was excited to spend time with my ex and often pursued my interests without him and didn't miss him not being there

I'll go against the grain and say I'd totally stay with him. He sounds great!
You'll never be happy in a relationship if you won't accept someone who's 90% perfect and 10% not quite right.
You could meet 'Mr Adventurous' and he could be a cheating shit bag.
I've been with DH for 17 years and during that time I've wanted a couple of things that he's not - so I've gone out and done them! One of those things was working abroad for 3 months - he was supportive and it meant I could scratch that itch. I've also holidayed without him and will do again.

A big thing about relationships is compromise - do you love your DP? Do you feel he has your back?

When I got married to my DH it was a massive shock that I was stuck with him and had to acknowledge his opinions which frankly, were not mine. I felt like I spent 2 years just dropping my standards - my DM says I would moan on the phone and she would smile and say 'Yes dear' - wise woman.

But he is kind, caring, consistent, always has my back and we have interests in common. I had a bit of counselling which helped me put across my views, and given your history of abuse may be helpful to you.

Are we doing what I dreamed of - honestly no. Is that the fault of my DH - also no. We made shared life decisions, sometimes life bit us on the bum and we had to do things we didn't want but after many years we did forge a team.

However most days he still irritates me so much I could bury him under the patio. But I daresay he could say the same about me.

If your DP is kind and supports you in the tough times, that is worth it's weight in gold.