Page 5 | To leave my kind and dependable DP

Daisyinchains · 2022-06-18T09:47:51+00:00

Currently living with DP of four years, we're both mid 30s. He's a lovely, loyal, demands nothing, kind, caring, hardworking, intelligent, funny, cheerful. I'm happy with him. However. I'm quite adventurous and like travel, trying new things, would like to live abroad again etc etc. We do go out hiking and cycling together a lot, but he is more of a sit at home watching TV type. Picky eater, eats the same food every day. Wants to go on same UK holidays every year. Wants to stay living in the same area he grew up in and where he plays in a sports team. I wonder if these differences are a sign I should leave? Or is it normal to have to compromise on something like this? To be honest it's my first proper relationship and I always had a fear of ending up with someone like my father (physically and verbally abusive). I feel like I've lucked out simply finding someone who doesn't have an angry or aggressive bone in his body, genuinely cares for me, who I have interests and a moral compass in common with, and who I can be myself with. There's no perfect partner right?

IsThePopeCatholic · 18/06/2022 20:43

He sounds great. I think you’d be mad to leave him.

pixie5121 · 18/06/2022 21:06

Feel free to drop me a PM if you leave him and he wants another girlfriend 😂

Rheia1983 · 18/06/2022 21:27

OP, you say your partner understands you, you can be yourself with him and that you enjoy spending time with him. If this is so, why do you want to leave?

Could it be that you have more of an issue with being open to intimacy and relationships due to your childhood experiences?

Speaking for myself, I have a great DP and we have been together for three years. Yet, my mind constantly is trying to find reasons to leave.

Why? I have a highly ambivalent attitude to realtionships. The reason is childhood abuse and abandonment. So I am dealing with stubborn belief that I'll be abandoned and I prefer being alone because that feels safer. My wanting to leave despite loving my DP is actually an self protective yet unproductive thought process.

Do you love your DP?

TheWayoftheLeaf · 18/06/2022 21:34

AnnaMagnani · 18/06/2022 18:24

There is not much anywhere for young women without kids!

The only way forwards is to pick out interest groups (or not actually that interested groups) and be determined. And not be put of if the first one or six you try are damp squibs.

In terms of cooking, I'd recommend Delia or Mary Berry to get away from beige oven food. A gentle expansion on the world of meat and potatoes. From there you can drift to Italian, Spanish, French... He may never make it to eating a curry for pleasure but you have already moved his horizons enormously.

My MIL was shocked when she discovered DH was having vegetarian food for dinner and looking forward to it! Definitely a home where meat, potatoes and veg boiled to a pulp were the norm.

Lol. Bars, cafes, libraries, clubs. Do you think childless young women just sit at home?

qpmz · 18/06/2022 21:47

Are you in love with him? Does he make you laugh? Do you want the same things when it comes to the future?

Merryclaire · 18/06/2022 22:39

You say you are adventurous and he isn’t, but is he actually holding you back or are you just blaming him for feeling like you’re not doing enough with your life?

You don’t need to share every adventure with him - if you really wanted to go to interesting places and eat exotic food you’d do it. And you just might find he would follow your lead.

Point is, you control how you live your life, not him. So if you’re not enjoying yourself enough, then you are responsible for that.

If you love him then he sounds like a great partner and you should focus on why you really aren’t doing the things you want. But if you don’t love him then let him be with someone else.

Original poster

Daisyinchains · 19/06/2022 10:15

Merryclaire · 18/06/2022 22:39

You say you are adventurous and he isn’t, but is he actually holding you back or are you just blaming him for feeling like you’re not doing enough with your life?

You don’t need to share every adventure with him - if you really wanted to go to interesting places and eat exotic food you’d do it. And you just might find he would follow your lead.

Point is, you control how you live your life, not him. So if you’re not enjoying yourself enough, then you are responsible for that.

If you love him then he sounds like a great partner and you should focus on why you really aren’t doing the things you want. But if you don’t love him then let him be with someone else.

No he's not holding me back - the location/place we live in is stifling me. I want to be with him but I don't want us to be isolated together in a tiny flat in a commuter belt island any more. Remote work means we don't need to be tied to this area any more!

His parents live on the south coast and he doesn't want to be any more than an hour from them, and he wants to continue playing for a sports team he loves and has played with for 10 years. But we can't afford to move anywhere bigger/more practical in the vicinity. We could afford an actual house in a nice area with enough room for us both to work from home, if we moved further away in literally any other direction. But he doesn't want that. I think he's only ever known London/surrounding area and can't broaden his horizons.

OP posts:

pixie5121 · 19/06/2022 12:02

Daisyinchains · 19/06/2022 10:15

No he's not holding me back - the location/place we live in is stifling me. I want to be with him but I don't want us to be isolated together in a tiny flat in a commuter belt island any more. Remote work means we don't need to be tied to this area any more!

His parents live on the south coast and he doesn't want to be any more than an hour from them, and he wants to continue playing for a sports team he loves and has played with for 10 years. But we can't afford to move anywhere bigger/more practical in the vicinity. We could afford an actual house in a nice area with enough room for us both to work from home, if we moved further away in literally any other direction. But he doesn't want that. I think he's only ever known London/surrounding area and can't broaden his horizons.

Show quote history

But he IS holding you back.

Insisting on living within an hour of his parents, in an expensive, high COL area is holding you back. He's getting everything he wants and you're not.

I was in your exact position and it ended, not through choice, but I am now glad it ended, even though I'm 37 and single now. He got married and had a kid but I'm not jealous of him. If anything, I feel like I dodged a bullet. I realised after we broke up that he was controlling in his own way. His insistence on conforming, on only doing 'normal' things was stifling, and it was only getting worse the older he got. He's still working in the exact same place, with only a slight promotion in a decade. Still hanging out with the exact same people. He seems to take pride in never changing and staying the same. I can't fathom not growing and changing and I struggle to understand people who have no interest in considering a life beyond what they've always known. The lack of curiosity and ambition bothers me, and you sound the same.

You're living in a cramped flat in boring commuterville because of him. Is he even aware you're making such a sacrifice? My ex wasn't. He tried to write a narrative where I was demanding and selfish for asking for a few small things, like taking 2 weeks off and going hiking in the Pyrenees, completely oblivious to the sacrifices I made every single day to be in the relationship. If it wasn't for your partner, you could be living in a detached cottage in rural Wales, going for countryside walks every lunchtime, or living in a lower COL city like Sheffield, with much more disposable income for travel and adventure.

It seems like the question to ask is, which is more important, settling down and having a family or having the adventurous, exciting life you want? You can't have both with this man.

billy1966 · 19/06/2022 15:29

pixie5121 · 19/06/2022 12:02

But he IS holding you back.

Insisting on living within an hour of his parents, in an expensive, high COL area is holding you back. He's getting everything he wants and you're not.

I was in your exact position and it ended, not through choice, but I am now glad it ended, even though I'm 37 and single now. He got married and had a kid but I'm not jealous of him. If anything, I feel like I dodged a bullet. I realised after we broke up that he was controlling in his own way. His insistence on conforming, on only doing 'normal' things was stifling, and it was only getting worse the older he got. He's still working in the exact same place, with only a slight promotion in a decade. Still hanging out with the exact same people. He seems to take pride in never changing and staying the same. I can't fathom not growing and changing and I struggle to understand people who have no interest in considering a life beyond what they've always known. The lack of curiosity and ambition bothers me, and you sound the same.

You're living in a cramped flat in boring commuterville because of him. Is he even aware you're making such a sacrifice? My ex wasn't. He tried to write a narrative where I was demanding and selfish for asking for a few small things, like taking 2 weeks off and going hiking in the Pyrenees, completely oblivious to the sacrifices I made every single day to be in the relationship. If it wasn't for your partner, you could be living in a detached cottage in rural Wales, going for countryside walks every lunchtime, or living in a lower COL city like Sheffield, with much more disposable income for travel and adventure.

It seems like the question to ask is, which is more important, settling down and having a family or having the adventurous, exciting life you want? You can't have both with this man.

Show quote history

Until you realise that your relationship is ALL about HIS needs, you are never going to find yourself in a position where you can move forward.

You are stuck.
He is not moving anywhere.
You are compromising on so much for this man who wants everything his own way.

goldfinchonthelawn · 19/06/2022 15:37

OP, did you post a few months ago about being bored rigid working from home in a tiny flat in a dull area and wishing you could move but partner won't? Sounds like a similar set up. If it was you I think you need to accept that you are seriously and pretty permanently unhappy with your current lot in life and make some changes.

Rotherweird · 19/06/2022 15:58

OP, to me it seems like you are actually in a really strong position: you have an DP who is kind and loving and that you enjoy spending time with. But you also know that you would be ok - more than ok! - on your own.

Why not take the problem to your DP - tell him that you have a strong need to move to a new area, where housing is more affordable, life is more exciting, and there are more chances to meet like minded people. You'd love to do this with him, but if he feels that he must stay in the area you are currently in, that's a deal breaker for you.

Either he is willing to take a risk and move away from his family/area - or he's not and you can go ahead and do it alone. Either seems like a much better outcome than your current situation, which is really limiting you.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 19/06/2022 16:17

My OH loves to travel. Me, I'm happy with a couple of weeks in Italy every year. I mean, I've travelled a lot - but I just don't really want to any more.

Apparently we're not the only couple who have this mismatch of aspirations. So the OH sods off for a week at a time with people who like want to go to Miami or Morocco, and I stay at home with the kids and make pasta and slouch about, which I enjoy.

Works for us.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/06/2022 16:51

SamBeckettslastleap · 18/06/2022 11:05

I married in my 20's and I didn't know who I was, by my 30's I had found out but was already enmeshed with mortgage and children.

my dh is a very decent guy but I'm waiting to leave, I want to fly and he wants to nest. I wouldn't choose to live this life if I'd known what I wanted.

You deserve more than just a non violent man.

That's pretty unfair on your DH, if you're planning to leave in the future why not leave now and give him the option of finding someone who actually wants to be with him now?

DomPerignon12 · 19/06/2022 22:15

Having RTFT it’s abundantly clear that this isn’t working.
Is he expecting to spend your whole life in a tiny rented flat?

dreamingbohemian · 19/06/2022 23:33

Rotherweird · 19/06/2022 15:58

OP, to me it seems like you are actually in a really strong position: you have an DP who is kind and loving and that you enjoy spending time with. But you also know that you would be ok - more than ok! - on your own.

Why not take the problem to your DP - tell him that you have a strong need to move to a new area, where housing is more affordable, life is more exciting, and there are more chances to meet like minded people. You'd love to do this with him, but if he feels that he must stay in the area you are currently in, that's a deal breaker for you.

Either he is willing to take a risk and move away from his family/area - or he's not and you can go ahead and do it alone. Either seems like a much better outcome than your current situation, which is really limiting you.

I agree with this

OP you are still so young. Way too young to be bored stiff in commuterville! You could live anywhere, and have such an interesting life.

I was your age when I moved countries and started a whole new life. It's actually a great time to make major changes, you're still young but wiser than your youth.