To leave my kind and dependable DP

[Daisyinchains]

Currently living with DP of four years, we're both mid 30s. He's a lovely, loyal, demands nothing, kind, caring, hardworking, intelligent, funny, cheerful. I'm happy with him. However. I'm quite adventurous and like travel, trying new things, would like to live abroad again etc etc. We do go out hiking and cycling together a lot, but he is more of a sit at home watching TV type. Picky eater, eats the same food every day. Wants to go on same UK holidays every year. Wants to stay living in the same area he grew up in and where he plays in a sports team. I wonder if these differences are a sign I should leave? Or is it normal to have to compromise on something like this?

To be honest it's my first proper relationship and I always had a fear of ending up with someone like my father (physically and verbally abusive). I feel like I've lucked out simply finding someone who doesn't have an angry or aggressive bone in his body, genuinely cares for me, who I have interests and a moral compass in common with, and who I can be myself with. There's no perfect partner right?

Great idea!

You’re not joined at the hip - is it not possible to travel and do other things on your own? I do often wonder at couples who always do everything together - my parents were like this so my DM was doubly devastated and lost when my DF died.

Especially if you want children at some point, kind and dependable are IMO worth a great deal
And as a pp pointed out, adventurous, more risk-taking types of men are IMO rather less likely to be dependable. You see enough posts on MN about dh’s/DPs who prioritise their very time consuming hobbies - whether cycling or rock climbing - over family life.
Never mind the risk-taking aspect of affairs…..

You’re still young, but it’s worth bearing in mind that with every year that passes, more of the nice, kind, dependable fish in the sea will have been snapped up.

I feel like if you’re already having doubts like this there a seed planted and it will never go away.

i am a lot like your DP and I had a bf like you. He always was on the go and wanting to do things. I became too boring for him as he wanted someone just like him. Although I was devastated at the break up over time I know it was probably for the best as I know he would never be happy with someone less adventurous like me.

Funny, he tried to “come back” a few times since things ended but I wasn’t having any of it. He’s still single (seen him actively on dating apps) ten years later.

saying that I still think you should leave your dp so he can find a better match and it frees you up to find yours too.

I think some compromise is normal if you love them and want to be with them. No one is 100% perfect. If you love them enough then those little things don't matter as much. But if you're not happy and not feeling fulfilled then that could be a sign it's time to move on. I left a partner I was never in love with, it was more a convenience and I'm now married to a man who satisfies me.

Have you actually told him any of this?

I suggest you sit down and lay it out, as you have here, and say that you are worried that without some compromise on his part, you dont have a future.

If you havent told him, how can he consider alternatives? He doesnt want to live abroad, ok but the compromise is that you travel to other countries instead of holidaying in the UK. He wants to be near his family? Ok, but your housing is expensive so you cant afford anything bigger, so the the compromise is you stay nearish but far enough away to be able to afford to better your accomodation.

Talk talk talk and if you dont agree to compromise (BOTH OF YOU) then yes I would say you should leave, but give him a chance to see your POV first.

You say you're undecided about kids so what's stopping you up and doing that stuff now? Like actually deciding and following through.

I was in your position, went off to do my own thing occasionally, and the relationship didn't last. I think that was a better way to find out he wasn't Mr Right than after having kids.

Probably going to come across harsh but I don't mean it to.

Your living in a one bed flat and can't afford anything else atm.. This lifestyle of travelling the world, living in different places, is that realistic if you weren't with him and having to live where you do, or is it a bit of a pipe dream based on you suddenly getting a better job and a cheaper house?

So if you dump him, will all your dreams come true or will you just be single and still dreaming of hawaii?

I guess everyone answers from how their own life turned out. I married a guy I was very compatible with in so many ways, but he turned out to be a fucking awful, defective human being.
Someone kind and dependable is now my dream! So I’d stick with a guy like that and find mates to do the exciting stuff with. ( though I don’t n’t like travel so easy for me to say!)

This is a unnecessarily snipey.

It sounds like you can never live more than an hour away from his family? That would feel so stifling to me.

I was in a similar situation at 30 and ended it, for me it worked out great as I moved abroad and found my amazing husband. He is even lovelier than the other guy and so much more curious about the world, after 15 years we are still having so much fun.

But it could easily have gone the other way, it's a big risk.

He sounds like a lovely guy who would be an absolute dream partner for so many women who have had their fingers badly burned by being in chaotic, abusive or even violent relationships with arseholes.

But you are not one of those women, and it’s possIble that while you & him are both good people, you are incompatible as life partners because you want different things. In my experience, there is no such thing as ‘soulmates’, all relationships require significant compromises from both parties, but some issues are dealbreakers (eg whether to have children) and the grass is definitely not always greener. Only you can decide if he is the right person for you. Whatever you do, do not have children with him until you are sure what you want.

Good luck.

I have to say that I agree with this.

You are considering leaving a nice, kind and dependable man for some dream that could turn out to be pie in the sky.

I think that would be mad, personally. You can always go on the occasional holiday by yourself if it is something that you want to do and he doesn't. Organise the odd thing that you want. He might tag along and enjoy it, or he might just be happy for you to go by yourself. It doesn't have to be such a huge issue.

DH and I do like going on similar types of holiday, but on some days will want to do different things while we are there. So we do. No issues and it works for us.

You don't need money to travel. Fruit picking, working in hostels etc. There are also jobs that pay you to do so like being a nanny, teaching English, housesitting...
Of course with the whole 'remote work' there are also people working from different countries, and certain in-demand professionals can always move countries but as the OP can't afford more than a one-bed flat in her mid-30's I'm somewhat safe in assuming that she's not that qualified.

I think you have to have a long hard think about what you want.

Personally I think you're very lucky to be in a relationship with someone kind and dependable, who shares hobbies with you and is respectful. Many people would kill for this. But if you aren't happy that's all there is to it!

Next thing to consider is do you want kids. If you want to try for kids, stay with mr dependable IMO. Does he want a family?

Of course, you can travel / work abroad with children but it does somewhat restrict you/ require more thought. But lots of people do it! So it might not be so polar opposite as you think!

Tell him where your head is at!

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater - you see some good positives in him and what you have so you need an on going dialogue - you have to put your points across to him and make sure he "gets" that these aims/dreams of yours are important - well - they seem important ATM. I tend to think that any relationship that is not in a constant state of tension - with each partner wanting to use the relationship as a secure anchor point from which to branch off from and try new things in life - is a bit dead. You should be having these exploratory conversations all through your life and relationship - you go off and try X and discover it's not everything you thought it would be but OTOH you and/or your partner might discover something you/they enjoy. Likewise - you might be able to support and encourage him to follow up on or even discover some ideas/dreams/ambitions he might have. More than anything - don't be afraid of these deep conversations about what you both want out of life - honesty is everything - if you can't be honest how can you trust or be trusted in a relationship - that feeling of trust and security that comes from it is better than anything in a relationship IMHO. Don't be afraid of these conversations being part of an on going dialogue - sometimes it takes time to win your partner over to something new. Try and remain optimistic that you can win him over and get him to try new things with you.

You're right IMHO - there is no perfect partner - and in any event you will both be changing during your relationship anyway due to mixing with different people at work and doing different jobs etc.. and because we change anyway so any relationship is constantly in a state of flux - that's why you need this on going deep dialogue, this constant negotiation to keep the pair of you roughly in synch - it's impossible top be perfectly in synch all the time but having a relationship where you can be open and totally honest with your partner really gives you the best chance of having a good life together. You've got to talk - don't give up in that. Ever.

Not a very relevant point.

The cost of living vs salary ratio in the UK is appalling. You can have a much, much better life elsewhere on the same kind of salary. It's one of the things that does my head in about being here...I spend so much money and get so little back in terms of quality of life.

Thinking you are lucky because he’s not abusive is so sad to me. That’s the most basic requirement of what any decent man should be like! That’s not a reason to stay if you know deep down you aren’t in love with him. My concern for you would be you stay with him out of comfort and familiarity and all is fine until you meet someone who you have massive compatibility and fireworks with. Then what? You either dump him or continue in mediocrity full of regret that you let someone amazing slip away. Don’t let that happen - both of you deserve to be with someone who adores you and whom you adore back.

@Daisyinchains You say he demands nothing, but also your choices about where you live are constrained because you have to live within an hour of his family.
Have you ever said 'no' about something that matters to him?

Why do some people keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side.

If you have a great bloke hang onto him. So many horrible people around with issues, moving around dosent bring happiness or stability, the perfect person dosent exist.

There are alot of abusive people around today, youve only got to look at relationship problems on boards like this. So yes its fortunate if you find someone kind and caring.

You dont ever find happiness or stability if you keep chasing the perfect person they dont exist.

If you arent happy.

when do you become happy then.

@Daisyinchains
you say you’re 4 years into your first proper relationship and you’re mid 30s - IMO that’s fairly ‘old’ to have a first proper relationship. I don’t mean this in a judgmental way (I was not unsimilar); just wondering if you might have a fear of commitment which would be completely understandable given your history.

It’s very common for people with commitment problems to try to ‘find fault’ in their caring and stable partner, and it’s usually about things that aren’t that important. (I know as I was one of them - the ‘faults’ I found in DH were really unimportant things like the clothes he wore.. basically out of fear to get close to him I was looking for reasons why I couldn’t date him. I had to work very hard at allowing myself to fall for him, and my friends talked sense into me too). So for me, the question is, are things like he doesn’t love travelling and he’s a picky eater really important/deal breaker type things for you (and if they are that’s fair enough), or are they your ‘excuses’ for rejecting someone who is a great partner, out of commitment fear?

One other thing to consider is the flip side: commitment phobes often find normal/stable relationships boring and seek out partners who seem exciting/thrilling/adventurous (when often the partner only seems that way because they’re actually unavailable/game playing), ie the reason that partner seems so thrilling isn’t that they’re that amazing as a person but it’s more the fact that they’re not really truly available/committed that’s exciting …because that in turn means the commitment phobe doesn’t have to face their fear of commitment as they know with this super exciting person it’ll never really work out anyway. Again, thinking back, a number of the men I dated in the past seemed so exciting but it was more their non commital actions that seemed a ‘thrill’ (eg never quite knew when you’d hear from them type thing) which I now know was all to do with me being too scared to commit one of the ‘stable’ people that I classed as boring at the time.

Just something to consider..

Good relationships thrive on communication and compromise. You need to talk and make some agreements. For example He could agree to travel with you for one holiday if you agree to go with his choice the next time. Talking is the key!

I always think a good way to start determining this is to think how you would feel if he was with someone else.
equally toss a coin : heads you stay, tails you leave. See how you feel when the coin lands. You will already know what you want to do somewhere inside I suspect.