Or is my husband re my nephew?

[TurtleDucks]

I am married to a Muslim Arab, very happily married and there are no issues around us being different religions as he’s not that religious.

DSis is also married. Her husband is a racist bastard and wants nothing to do with us because I married a Muslim. Took a while for the truth to come out but when I started dating my husband, I realised BIL was less friendly and slowly pulling away, but I didn’t realise there was an issue until DSis finally told me. He justifies his racism saying he has his reasons for not liking Muslims and not liking Arabs and wants nothing to do with us. I think DSis knows more about his views than she lets on, but that’s for her.

It does mean DSis is in a tricky position. We don’t live anywhere near each other so only visit my hometown 3-4 times a year, and each time he makes it really difficult for her to see us, going as far as threatening divorce. DSis recognises she’s in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship, but she keeps hope that he will change so she has no interest in leaving him.

They’ve reached a compromise of sorts that when we visit my parents, DSis can visit us, but their son, my nephew, can’t. He realises he can’t stop DSis from seeing us, but can stop their son.

Now on to the AIBU. This really upsets me. I want to see my nephew and want him to be close to my daughter. I know they won’t grow up together as we live too far apart, but I want them to be close as cousins. DH on the other hand feels that DD shouldn’t have a relationship with my nephew on the back of all this. He says his feelings for my nephew has changed, as he used to really adore him when he was first born, but is now indifferent to him because of the issues with his dad. He says he feels no love or warmth for him anymore.

I keep getting upset at the whole situation and want us to find a solution but DH says that this is all their doing and we need to protect DD from any potential negative behaviour from my nephew. He has already told us his dad doesn’t like us, so there is a possibility his dad is feeding him more stories and as DD is mixed race, we need to protect her. He isn’t stopping me from finding ways for DD to see my nephew, just thinks we shouldn’t force it. But to me, family is so so important and it breaks my heart that DH isn’t being proactive in building a relationship between DD and my nephew.

I do think DH is more hurt by the whole situation than he makes out, but it’s DSis that is in the difficult position as it’s her marriage that’s affected by this.

Yes, I would call continuing to not expose the DH or their child to racist family members does indeed constitute a great plan.

I would say*

Hi everyone,

A friend of mine sent this thread to me as I am in the exact same situation. And I mean the exact same situation. Except I am the Muslim Arab and it’s my husband that is white British, and it’s his brother in law (his sister’s husband) who is racist and won’t let their son see us. And we have a son instead of a daughter. He also makes life difficult for her when she tries to see us without their son.

My husband isn’t trying to force a relationship between our son and his nephew, so that’s not an issue for us, but he does feel sad that I’m not close to his sister as he really wants us to be. But I really struggle because of the situation around her husband. I feel like no one on my husband’s side understands how painful this is for me and everyone is focussed on my sister on law being in a difficult situation instead of the hate that is targeted at me because of my existence. Even my husband doesn’t get it as when I get upset he asks me what I want him to do.

And one of my reservations is that I feel that my sister in law does tolerate and turn a blind to the racism, which is why I can’t get close to her, but my husband won’t even hear that.

But anyways, I wanted to say thank you to all the strangers for helping me see that my feelings are valid, and that I have been very tolerant towards my husband and his family about the situation. I sometimes worry that I’m causing problems so I don’t say much about it. I understand that with my in laws it’s their daughter (my husband’s sister) that matters to them more, but I have felt very alone with all this, so reading your comments has honestly made me cry.

VeryGratefull I'm glad you feel less alone.

Bear in mind there are some posts here that sympathise with the original poster's sister, but only because she's in an abusive relationship, where she may not be safe to stand up for herself and her principles. There's absolutely no excuse for your sister-in-law to put up with her husband's racism unless she agrees with it.

Your daughter is half of her Dad so if your BIL hates your DH she will begin to feel that the BIL must hate her too. I agree with your husband.

Just like I feel sorry for the OP's husband, I feel sorry for you.

Your husband is not a good man if he cannot understand how you feel.

His family are awful too, tolerating this.

Why are you still with him?

The OP's husband must look at the OP with such disappointment for her lack of basic loyalty.

Her sister is no better for tolerating her husband like your SIL.

Do you really want to live your life among such awful people?....and raise a precious child with a man who tolerates racism and expects you to suck it up?

My SIL has lots in common with your BIL, though it's not about race, she's just toxic and unpleasant. So the set of cousins aren't close (my kids and theirs). Neither will yours be. Sorry, but you'd be crazy to expose your family to anyone in that family, other than being there for your Sis if she finally sees the light.

Your DH is right

I feel for both the OP's husband and @VeryGratefull. So many people do not understand how painful it is (i) to be the target of racism and (ii) being expected to be the "better person" and ignore mean and hurtful behaviour because the racist people are "family".

@TurtleDucks: You are being unreasonable. It is not your husband's responsibility to be proactive in building a relationship between your nephew and your daughter, and doubly so considering he's the actual victim in all of the drama.