Or is my husband re my nephew?

[TurtleDucks]

I am married to a Muslim Arab, very happily married and there are no issues around us being different religions as he’s not that religious.

DSis is also married. Her husband is a racist bastard and wants nothing to do with us because I married a Muslim. Took a while for the truth to come out but when I started dating my husband, I realised BIL was less friendly and slowly pulling away, but I didn’t realise there was an issue until DSis finally told me. He justifies his racism saying he has his reasons for not liking Muslims and not liking Arabs and wants nothing to do with us. I think DSis knows more about his views than she lets on, but that’s for her.

It does mean DSis is in a tricky position. We don’t live anywhere near each other so only visit my hometown 3-4 times a year, and each time he makes it really difficult for her to see us, going as far as threatening divorce. DSis recognises she’s in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship, but she keeps hope that he will change so she has no interest in leaving him.

They’ve reached a compromise of sorts that when we visit my parents, DSis can visit us, but their son, my nephew, can’t. He realises he can’t stop DSis from seeing us, but can stop their son.

Now on to the AIBU. This really upsets me. I want to see my nephew and want him to be close to my daughter. I know they won’t grow up together as we live too far apart, but I want them to be close as cousins. DH on the other hand feels that DD shouldn’t have a relationship with my nephew on the back of all this. He says his feelings for my nephew has changed, as he used to really adore him when he was first born, but is now indifferent to him because of the issues with his dad. He says he feels no love or warmth for him anymore.

I keep getting upset at the whole situation and want us to find a solution but DH says that this is all their doing and we need to protect DD from any potential negative behaviour from my nephew. He has already told us his dad doesn’t like us, so there is a possibility his dad is feeding him more stories and as DD is mixed race, we need to protect her. He isn’t stopping me from finding ways for DD to see my nephew, just thinks we shouldn’t force it. But to me, family is so so important and it breaks my heart that DH isn’t being proactive in building a relationship between DD and my nephew.

I do think DH is more hurt by the whole situation than he makes out, but it’s DSis that is in the difficult position as it’s her marriage that’s affected by this.

You do realize that your sister is enabling this, don’t you? I’d be cutting her off too.

Yes I couldn't have contact with my sister in this situation. It's really sad for the kids. But I'd def have no contact. If that cuts her off to stay with the abuser so be it. My family would come first. Feel for you OP.

I think your husband should be protecting his child from your sister, she shouldn't be anywhere near your dd.

Racists raise racists, it's in no way your husband or child's job to educate them. I think you are minimising your sisters behaviour.

What is this supposed to mean?

Glitternails1 are you sure you're not projecting here because the op mentioned her dh is Arab Muslim? How is he being abusive and isolating the op from her family?

The Op's bil is the one who prevents his son, the op 's nephew, from seeing the op and her family. Her racist bil is also isolating his wife, the Op's sister, from the op and the op can only see her sister at her mum's house.

Why are you not saying anything about this but just focus g in the Op's husband because he's an Arab Muslim?

Why are you focusing on the fact he’s Arab Muslim? Very odd. I didn’t even mention Muslim or Arab. No, I just thought it was sad that OP is upset that her Dd has relationships with her dad’s family, but not her mum’s. I’m not sure if she means her entire family or just her sister and nephew (maybe OP could clarify). It is rather controlling to tell someone they can’t see their sister/auntie.

Racism is learned. You’re not born with it. Hopefully the nephew (not sure how old he is) will learn that his dad is wrong. Maybe he’ll form a positive relationship with his mixed race cousin. It’s worth a try and hopefully OP and her family can encourage her sister to leave her abusive husband. Of course, if nephew’s behaviour is abusive then by all means stop the cousins meeting up in future.

@Glitternails1 the D-D doesn't have a close relationship with the op's family because there is a racist divide.

It's also not the job of the DH or DD to help prevent the DN becoming racist.

If I had racists in my family they wouldn't get anywhere near my husband or children.

I don't know what autocorrect did there!

I really don’t comprehend why you are pushing this, they’d see each other three to four times a year, the “cousin relationship” is not more important than your daughter, let it go. Your husband is right.

It could help DN to see how bad his fathers views are, if he has a normal oving relationship with you all - however I do see your dh’s point.

I think a lot depends on how sis counteracts her husbands views when she speaks to dn. If she doesn’t directly speak about the issue and contradict her husbands views to her son, then absolutely no direct contact between the cousins.

It think your dsis needs support. Her situation is very dysfunctional. Why won’t she leave him?

That's right, you didn't mention that he's Arab but I wonder if the OP didn't mention it either whether your answer would be the same. The husband is trying to protect his dd from vile racists, who unfortunately happen to be her family. He behaviour is a reaction to the racism he's suffered from them. The op still visits her mum and her dh doesn't stop these visits. Her bil is the one who is isolating the Op's sister from the op & her family

@TurtleDucks I understand both you and your husband’s perspective.

I voted yabu because you and your husband are not dn’s parents and as wrong as your bil is, he and your sister are his parents.

For now, focus on helping and supporting your sister in a respectful way. Stand by and support your husband and protect and support your daughter.

You don’t know what the future holds. Maybe when dn is older he will make the decision to not follow in his father’s racism. If that is the case and he is old enough to choose his own relationships then your daughter and cousin might get to know each other, if they both want to.

Sorry my reply was to @Glitternails1

No. DH is an amazing man. This situation hurts him and he blames himself, has even apologised for causing a rift in my family when he’s done nothing wrong.

Please do not project whatever assumptions you have against Arab Muslims on to my DH. He has never once stopped me from visiting my family, and happily comes along and stays when I suggest a trip, and often tries to come up with ways for me to see my sister when we’re at my parents. Admittedly he doesn’t suggest coming along or joining us, but he has never stopped me.

Why won’t she leave him?

Couple of reasons. Because she loves him and hopes he will change. He wasn’t like this when they met and got married so she thinks it’s just stress and it will pass. But they live in an area where there is no one who isn’t white so it probably never came up until DH came along. But is holding on to that hope.

I also think she doesn’t want to uproot her and DN’s lives by leaving him and starting afresh somewhere.

We’re the only ones with children as my brother and his wife don’t want any. Her husband is Dutch so all is family there, so it also means that DN has no cousins apart from DD.

Yea, that's true but I actually think that the cycle can be broken here.

So I disagree with the general consensus on here. It's not the nephew's fault his dad is racist and he deserves a relationship with his aunt, uncle and cousins.

And when he's older and hears his father spouting racist rhetoric, maybe he will have the knowledge to think, actually that's not right. My dad says Muslims are bad but my uncle is a really nice person and he will hopefully start to challenge his dad. Racism is caused by fear and ignorance and you cure ignorance by education.

Your husband is a victim of racism perpetrated by your sisters husband. You are also a victim of his horrible views, as you can see how he's damaged your relationships with your family. Your daughter will be treated just as badly as your husband. Please listen to your husband on the topic of racism and xenophobia. He will have experienced this many times, he knows what it looks like. Don't assume that the nephew will be able to make his own mind up. Racism is taught. By racists. And his dad is one.

I’m half Asian. I have been the victim of racism.

@TurtleDucks Please do not project whatever assumptions you have against Arab Muslims on to my DH.

I didn’t mention Arabs or Muslims. All I did was agree with you that it might be nice for your Dd and dn to play with each other on the rare occasions they see each other. That it will be nice for her to experience both cultures. If your Dd is the victim of racial abuse then end contact.

I think you and @TheLadyDIdGood are mistaking me for another poster. I never mentioned any stereotypes. I am half Asian.

Then please tell me how my husband is trying to isolate me from my family and denying me a relationship with my sister and nephew. Because those are some assumptions you made there.

My issue is that he isn’t that keen for DD to see DN, that’s what I posted about. He has never ever got in the way of me and my family and encourages me to visit them when it’s been too long since a visit. Yet somehow you concluded he is keeping me away from them.

Your Husband is correct in his view.

OP you need to face facts...your sister chooses to be with this racist arsehole.

You can make all the excuses in the world, for her, but she's stays with him.

Protect your daughter from all racists...even the blood relatives

You said you Dd doesn’t have a relationship with your family and that you were sad about it. You said your dh didn’t want you to see your sister and nephew. If this isn’t the case then sorry. That’s how I read it and it can be tricky to know unless everyone involved.

However, it is not on that you accused me of racism when I literally didn’t mention your dh’s race or religion or any stereotypes. As a half Asian, that really upset me.

*unless you know everyone involved

I would be annoyed with your dsis that she doesn't have enough influence over your nephew to prevent him from growing up with the same views as his father. You obviously need to shield your daughter from that, although you might find they get on really well and that it is just the adults that are behaving badly - well maybe just your brother-in-law.

As others have said, if your dsis is in an abusive relationship, while I would be annoyed with her - I wouldn't cut her out of your life as that is very like what her husband wants.

Your DH is a right. How dare your sister and her racist family. I'd cut her out too.