Or is my husband re my nephew?

[TurtleDucks]

I am married to a Muslim Arab, very happily married and there are no issues around us being different religions as he’s not that religious.

DSis is also married. Her husband is a racist bastard and wants nothing to do with us because I married a Muslim. Took a while for the truth to come out but when I started dating my husband, I realised BIL was less friendly and slowly pulling away, but I didn’t realise there was an issue until DSis finally told me. He justifies his racism saying he has his reasons for not liking Muslims and not liking Arabs and wants nothing to do with us. I think DSis knows more about his views than she lets on, but that’s for her.

It does mean DSis is in a tricky position. We don’t live anywhere near each other so only visit my hometown 3-4 times a year, and each time he makes it really difficult for her to see us, going as far as threatening divorce. DSis recognises she’s in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship, but she keeps hope that he will change so she has no interest in leaving him.

They’ve reached a compromise of sorts that when we visit my parents, DSis can visit us, but their son, my nephew, can’t. He realises he can’t stop DSis from seeing us, but can stop their son.

Now on to the AIBU. This really upsets me. I want to see my nephew and want him to be close to my daughter. I know they won’t grow up together as we live too far apart, but I want them to be close as cousins. DH on the other hand feels that DD shouldn’t have a relationship with my nephew on the back of all this. He says his feelings for my nephew has changed, as he used to really adore him when he was first born, but is now indifferent to him because of the issues with his dad. He says he feels no love or warmth for him anymore.

I keep getting upset at the whole situation and want us to find a solution but DH says that this is all their doing and we need to protect DD from any potential negative behaviour from my nephew. He has already told us his dad doesn’t like us, so there is a possibility his dad is feeding him more stories and as DD is mixed race, we need to protect her. He isn’t stopping me from finding ways for DD to see my nephew, just thinks we shouldn’t force it. But to me, family is so so important and it breaks my heart that DH isn’t being proactive in building a relationship between DD and my nephew.

I do think DH is more hurt by the whole situation than he makes out, but it’s DSis that is in the difficult position as it’s her marriage that’s affected by this.

This is such a sad situation.

You need to protect your child from the racist BIL and have nothing to do with him. I feel so sad for the kids and you though for having to miss out on the cousin/nephew relationship.

Hopefully your nephew will one day be able to teach your BIL that racism of any sort is not acceptable in Britain today. One can hope anyway 🤞

This is a horrible situation, and you do have my sympathies, but have you ever sat down with your DH and discussed the racism he's no doubt experienced in his life? Until I met my husband (who is a Pakistani Muslim) I really didn't understand the full extent of the problem, but some of the things that go on are horrific, let alone unfair. What's also horrified me is that sometimes I've noticed someone is quite clearly speaking to him disrespectfully and he doesn't even notice, because he's so used to being disrespected and treated like shit. Racism is deeply scaring and traumatising for the victims, and as such, asking someone who has more than likely been affected by racism to have anything to do with the family of a racist is very unfair, no matter how much you love and miss your sister and nephew.

The fact your sister can be with someone with such disgusting views is beyond me. She values him above your family, and that's her choice, but your DH and DD really need to come first here.
Hopefully, one day your sister will leave that pig of a man, and be able to teach her son how disgusting and wrong his father's views are, but as things stand that seems unlikely, and as such, your DD needs to be protected.

I'm sorry this is so painful for you, but you really should let this go. Your family is your DH and DD, they're what's important here. Good luck 💐

You made your choices, they’ve made theirs. Live with the consequences of your actions.

No way should you push the relationship, he's probably been horribly indoctrinated by his father.

I'd also not be seeing my sister if she was married to a racist but I guess that's your call. Clearly she tolerates his views to some extent which would make me worry for my child.

This

Your title should be 'or is my bil towards my dd?' not 'Or is my husband towards my nephew?'
You've minimised the impact of racism on your dh and dd and are mistakenly concerned about your nephew instead of your dd.

I hate to say it but your nephew is probably not that different to his dad, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. What will you do when your nephew starts to racially abuse your dd? Don't minimise the issue and face up to the situation which is that your sister's family hate your dh & dd because they're not white.

You are victim blaming your dh for not focusing on your nephew and negating the impact of racism on him. Because you haven't directly experienced racism yourself, you're refusing to acknowledge how dangerous it is.

In your situation I would cut myself off from your sister too so I think your husband is being very tolerant under the circumstances
I couldn’t have any relationship with someone with your sisters husbands vile beliefs or her if she supports them in any way

Your loyalty lies with your DH here

You have the luxury of being ‘tolerant’ to their racism because you’re not subjected to it. Your husband on the other hand is subject to it, and so is your daughter. You don’t get to ask him to put up with it, I’m amazed you think it’s reasonable that he should. I’m also amazed that you think it reasonable to expose your husband and child to it tbh.

your nephew is almost certainly being raised with the attitudes of his parents. I say parents plural, because your sister is complicit.

it breaks my heart that DH isn’t being proactive in building a relationship between DD and my nephew it isn't his job to do this!! Even if this wasn't caused by the BIL being racist against your DH, it wouldn't be DH's job to build a relationship between his child and his wife's sisters child. She's your sister!!
And frankly I'm with DH in that Dad is out and out racist, Mom is at best ignoring it, it seems unlikely DNeph won't unwittingly pick up those attitudes unless he's challenged at school etc so your DD is going to get the full run of how awful her Dad is and by assoc her.

Your DSis has picked between you and she didn't pick you. Sorry.

I feel terrible for your daughter, actually. She's half-Arab and you want her to have a relationship with your racist family. Stand up for your daughter please.

The one being unreasonable, apart from your obvious utter twunt of a BIL, is your sister for putting up with his shit and being in a relationship with a racist.

Your husband is right. Your BIL will be in his son's ear and that bile will be passed directly onto your DD. You don't know what that feels like but you can guarantee he does, unfortunately, and he's bound to want to protect her from that.

I can't believe people like you're BIL exist in 2022. It's literally pathetic.

He isn’t stopping me from finding ways for DD to see my nephew, just thinks we shouldn’t force it.
Your DH is being accommodating here. He could justifiably be shutting down the exposure of his half Arab Muslim dd to her potentially racist cousin but he's willing to let it play out.

I do think DH is more hurt by the whole situation than he makes out, but it’s DSis that is in the difficult position as it’s her marriage that’s affected by this

Bull. Your sister is enabling a racist and therefore is a racist herself. Against your own husband. And yet you are concerned about her marriage?
Sort your priorities out.

Thank you for the responses.

I do get that this is difficult for my husband, honestly I do. And I’m so thankful he hasn’t asked me to choose. But my sister is also a victim here as she is in a controlling relationship and needs my support. She doesn’t have many people she can rely on.

I think I’m keen on the cousins relationship because it’s what I had and it was great. I also see how close DD is to DH’s family and I do feel some sadness that she doesn’t have the same relationship with mine. I just hope they’re close when they get older.

@TurtleDucks As a mixed race woman, I agree with you and not your DH (despite most posters agreeing with your DH). If you encourage a positive relationship between the cousins then your nephew will learn that his father is wrong about other cultures because he will have a good relationship with his mixed race cousin.

I also see how close DD is to DH’s family and I do feel some sadness that she doesn’t have the same relationship with mine.

I think this is worrying. Your DH is trying to isolate you and your Dd from your family. Your Dd needs to form bonds with her 2 families - 2 races and 2 religious backgrounds. He is so so wrong to deny you both a relationship with your sister and nephew on the basis that your sister is married to an abusive man (also, your DH is bordering on abusive but in a different way).

@Glitternails1 there are so many ridiculous assumptions in your post that I don't even know where to start.

Maybe it's just how it reads but it seems you are colluding with your sister and extended family. Your dh and dc should not be around this vile situation and out of loyalty neither should you. I would cut those family members off but be open to reconciliation should dsis leave her husband.

I really feel for all of you (except the BIL, obviously). I'm a bit shocked at the blanket condemnation of your sister, who is in an abusive relationship, and even some PPs suggesting your beloved nephew is probably just a mini-BIL. He's a child for goodness' sake and has done nothing wrong. It would break my heart too for my child to be kept away from their cousin, especially if they're an only child. None of that is to detract from the awfulness of BIL and I have no solution, I only hope your sister can escape this man and start to rebuild family relationships.

YABSU it's hard to put into words.

@Glitternails1 your post is laughable. Now her DH is the bad guy? Dream on.

Your nephew is already telling you his dad doesn't like your DH and, presumably, by extension your DD because she'll be mixed race. Why would you knowingly force your child to have a relationship with a family of racists?

Your sister needs to draw the line somewhere. I understand if she's in an abusive relationship it's hard but her sons going to grow up like his scummy father if she doesn't step up now.

Your poor husband! He probably feels a lot more hurt by this than he is making out.

I wouldn't push the issue with your nephew, as your DH has already told you that he is happy to let the relationship play out but just doesn't want to be 'proactive' (and what can he really do?). I would remind your DH that nephew is an innocent child who has no choice in who his father is but, apart from that, I agree that your priority should be your DD. Maybe she could make her cousin a card or picture for his mum to give him or some other indirect contact which isn't going to put her at risk of being subjected to racist views? Other that that, nothing can really be done until your sister steps up and leaves BIL.

What TF are you talking about?

Also, by forcing her daughter to see the nephew, she’s putting her daughter in the firing line of a racist viewpoint and comments because with someone as overt as the BIL there’s no way the nephew won’t be massively influenced by him already.

I’d say to my sister that I was ready to support her when she chose to leave the abusive, racist cunt she married. In the meantime, there would be no relationship.

I'm with your husband too

I'm saddened for the nephew having a racist dad. You don't say how old your nephew is, but certainly should be having regular contact once he is old enough to make his own decisions.

I think minimal contact with your sister who has married a racist meanwhile.