Or is my husband re my nephew?

[TurtleDucks]

I am married to a Muslim Arab, very happily married and there are no issues around us being different religions as he’s not that religious.

DSis is also married. Her husband is a racist bastard and wants nothing to do with us because I married a Muslim. Took a while for the truth to come out but when I started dating my husband, I realised BIL was less friendly and slowly pulling away, but I didn’t realise there was an issue until DSis finally told me. He justifies his racism saying he has his reasons for not liking Muslims and not liking Arabs and wants nothing to do with us. I think DSis knows more about his views than she lets on, but that’s for her.

It does mean DSis is in a tricky position. We don’t live anywhere near each other so only visit my hometown 3-4 times a year, and each time he makes it really difficult for her to see us, going as far as threatening divorce. DSis recognises she’s in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship, but she keeps hope that he will change so she has no interest in leaving him.

They’ve reached a compromise of sorts that when we visit my parents, DSis can visit us, but their son, my nephew, can’t. He realises he can’t stop DSis from seeing us, but can stop their son.

Now on to the AIBU. This really upsets me. I want to see my nephew and want him to be close to my daughter. I know they won’t grow up together as we live too far apart, but I want them to be close as cousins. DH on the other hand feels that DD shouldn’t have a relationship with my nephew on the back of all this. He says his feelings for my nephew has changed, as he used to really adore him when he was first born, but is now indifferent to him because of the issues with his dad. He says he feels no love or warmth for him anymore.

I keep getting upset at the whole situation and want us to find a solution but DH says that this is all their doing and we need to protect DD from any potential negative behaviour from my nephew. He has already told us his dad doesn’t like us, so there is a possibility his dad is feeding him more stories and as DD is mixed race, we need to protect her. He isn’t stopping me from finding ways for DD to see my nephew, just thinks we shouldn’t force it. But to me, family is so so important and it breaks my heart that DH isn’t being proactive in building a relationship between DD and my nephew.

I do think DH is more hurt by the whole situation than he makes out, but it’s DSis that is in the difficult position as it’s her marriage that’s affected by this.

She downplays how awful racism is and excuses it. Wouldn't be my sister anymore.

OP, tell your sister her racist husband was always racist,he just didn't need to speak about it.....until YOU married 'outside' .

Tbh it doesn’t matter you’re half Asian. DH has been on the receiving end of Asians who don’t like Muslims. I have also had comments by Asians about DH. People of all races can be racist and prejudiced. I’m not saying you are but saying you’re half Asian doesn’t excuse you from such prejudices.

I never said DD doesn’t have ANY relationship with my family. I said she doesn’t have the SAME relationship with my family than she does DH’s family. You took from that my husband is controlling…

For clarity, we see DH’s family much more often as we live in the same city and MIL helps with childcare when we want to go out or DD is sick. So DD adores DH’s family, but she doesn’t have the same attachment to my family because she sees them less. But tbh, and I don’t know if this is a cultural thing as Brits tend to be more reserved or if it’s my family, they show so much more love and affection to her than my family so she has a close bond with them. My SIL and my BIL (DH’s siblings) each call at least twice a week just to have a video call with DD, who is only 2, just because they want to see her. My siblings have never done that. So naturally she is closer to them, and I wish DD was attached to my family and she isn’t, and not seeing her cousin just makes that worse.

It isn't the job of people from an ethnic minority to educate racists.

I've had someone suggest this about my sons, that they could help educate the twats. The politest response I could come up with was fuck off.

Your sister is staying with him because day to day his racism isn't a problem for her only 3-4 times a year when you visit and the cousins or aunt/newphew relationship is not a priority for her. I know that must be hard to hear but your sister is not innocent by standing by her racisit husband at the expense of her family.

I would focus on family relationship with your parents and brother and wife and keep sister to a minimum. It is going to be a very difficult conversation when your dd eventually asks about uncle or cousin so aunt being very much in the background would be my preference.

It is a horrible situation you are in. Hopefully your sister sees sense one day.

You ever hear the phrase ‘blood is thicker than water’?
the full quote is actually ‘the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’. It means the bonds you CHOOSE to make are more important than the ones you have by chance of birth. You chose your husband and to have a child together so your allegiance should be to them, your sister is making her choice.

I agree with this
Wait for your sister to see sense and leave him then you can hopefully sort things out

Flip things around and think how you would feel if DH family treated you the way your BIL and sister him. You would expect him to protect and stand up for you. My DH and DD would come first. Your sister has chosen her bed, and as she is continuing to lie in it you would be better to go LC until things change. This must be so hurtful to your DH that you gave such a racist in the family and no one is ostracising him because of it.

You know, this never occurred to me. That it isn’t an issue for her for the majority of the year. That is some food for thought.

I've got to agree with Sally872. She's not anti-racist. That's a huge problem for me. I don't know what the answer is as I understand your point about wanting a family relationship, but racism will never end so long as there are people who collude with it.

She is in an abusive relationship, if she has no family support it’s even less likely she will ever leave the awful racist

It’s ironic that the OP is jumping on posters she deems to be racist and defending her husband, and yet won’t do the same against her sister.

Your DH is trying to isolate you and your Dd from your family. Your Dd needs to form bonds with her 2 families - 2 races and 2 religious backgrounds. He is so so wrong to deny you both a relationship with your sister and nephew on the basis that your sister is married to an abusive man (also, your DH is bordering on abusive but in a different way).
Did you post on the wrong thread of bump your head??
DH is happy for OP to build a relationship between the cousins so how is he isolating her? Because he doesn't want to hang out with a racist man who's already trying to poison a kids mind? How is he denying either OP or their daughter a relationship when he's said he's OK but doesn't want to be a part of it?

Her actions being marrying someone of a different ethnicity and religion so she should just expect and put up with racism?? Wth.

@TurtleDucks I’m not saying you are but saying you’re half Asian doesn’t excuse you from such prejudices.

I never mentioned your DH’s race, religion or any stereotypes in my post. I was not prejudiced in the slightest. Instead of accusing me of racism (my post was nothing of the sort) you need to confront your sister and her husband. The only way to prevent dc from being racist is to educate them and open them up to different cultures.

How are we going to change racist families though if you just cut contact. Unlikely that your BIL will change his mind but your nephew could if he loves his cousin and learns to see people as people no matter what their skin colour or religion.

It isn't dd's purpose/job to teach the racist. She shouldn't have to deal with it all nevermind in her own family. I would keep the sister, bil and nephew at arms legnth to protect dd.

Hopefully nephew learns at school how awful his dad's views are.

The daughter is not a teaching aid, nor is she exposure therapy. It is not her job to enlighten her cousin and be exposed to the toxic shit that’s being espoused in that household.

That’s not fair…my sister has never said a bad word against my husband or claimed he’s abusive or controlling. It’s her husband that’s the problem.

Your sister is racist, dress it up however you want, but her silence and inaction is racism.

If my sister in law was racist to my husband and children and my brother did nothing then he'd be cut off as well.

I wouldn't be complaining about my husband wanting some very minimal boundaries that's for sure. You are prioritising racists over your husband and child. I'm surprised and sad that he puts up with your minimising.

What would you say if your husband refused to associate with your sisters husband because he was black/white/Christian/Sikh? Would you stand by him and allow him to isolate your sisters husband because of those things?

No really, your sister is racist, and you don't want to see it. It doesn't sound like she would stand up for her BIL, but also she won't stand up for her own niece.

You're arguing with another poster about being racist and making assumptions and people are reading your posts and shaking their heads at your blindness.

I think you need to send your daughter a clear message that you prioritise her above racists and those who stand idly by because from her perspective it might look as though you are also prepared to tolerate racism against her and her dad (by continuing to see your sister).

As an aside the relationship with each side of the family doesn't have to be mirrored exactly.

Bullshit he has openly racist views which affect your husband and your child.

would you say the same if your sister's husband was a peadophile?

You keep making out like your sister and husband are equally innocent in this situation. But they are not, your sister is choosing to stay with an openly racist man whose actions affect her family. Your husband isn’t choosing his race.

And having been a child welcomed into an insular and overtly racist community only by the children who weren’t old enough to be racist, it was heartbreaking when those friends turned around and called me n***r or refused to play with me because of my race- this tended to happen when they were age 7-10, once they had enough exposure to their parents’ racism.

I promised myself that I will never put my child through that which is why I will not leave London or live in a predominantly white area ever again. Your nephew will pick up his fathers racist views, and being a child, he will relay those to your daughter. Protect your child.

Oh come on you cannot be that naive. If my sister was married to someone of a different race and my partner was racist towards them I wouldn’t be staying in that relationship or let it get to the stage where it was a controlling relationship

The fact that your OP is talking about your husband potential being unreasonable is a joke. It’s your sister that is unreasonable for staying with a man who is actively being racist about a family member

Can you not see how she is part of the problem too? How do you know she doesn’t hold the same views when she is not with you after being with him for so long?

However, it is not on that you accused me of racism when I literally didn’t mention your dh’s race or religion or any stereotypes. As a half Asian, that really upset me.

Tbh it doesn’t matter you’re half Asian. DH has been on the receiving end of Asians who don’t like Muslims. I have also had comments by Asians about DH. People of all races can be racist and prejudiced. I’m not saying you are but saying you’re half Asian doesn’t excuse you from such prejudices.

Spot on, OP. As an Asian Muslim, I have encountered Islamophobia from non-Muslim Asians.

I agree with pp, your sister being ok with a racist partner is worrying and I would not let dd associate with your sister or her son or her husband.