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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

674 replies

scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:34

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

OP posts:
whowhatwerewhy · 17/06/2022 16:36

I think you need to speak to your MOH . I would put it to her that her dress is likely to need alterations and you would like to make an appointment with a seamstress to see what's possible and you also need to know the cost as you are finalising your budget.
This might give her insensitive to start to lose weight or for her to say she's finding it difficult it that case you can look for a suitable dress for her .

WhoAre · 17/06/2022 16:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CarburyChocolateRules · 17/06/2022 16:40

The dress only goes to a 16 and she was a size 22 ?!?
Do you know how many stones that is to lose?

If she was size 18, then go, but this is crazy!

You should of just said, no, we wont get them, lets hope your other bridesmaids dont put on / lose weight, get pregnant etc

Eeiliethya · 17/06/2022 16:41

I can see this from your side and why you might feel a twang of irritability over it but:

Your friendship is worth more than a dress, a scheme or how perfect your bridesmaids will look in pictures.

Your friend is probably feeling the dread of this conversation coming up and if I was you I would approach sensitively. She is probably as aware of the situation as you and your wedding possibly feels like a black cloud to her rather than something to look forward to because she's dreading the dress problem.

I would take the dress out of the equation and take the stress/dread away for you both.

Januarytoes · 17/06/2022 16:41

The only regretful thing is buying the dresses too early. Even if you'd bought your MOH a size 22, she is a 24 now, and before the wedding any of your friends might get pregnant and not be able to wear the dresses.

Nearer the time I would look for a similar dress (or simply the same colour) for your MOH. Or get all new dresses, bear the loss of the first set, and if necessary say you've changed your mind about the colour or something.

I had bought some expensive, silly but beautiful shoes for my wedding and two weeks before I had to accept that I just couldn't wear them - I had tried wearing them at home and stretching them a bit but - they still hurt me! and I would have had a miserable day. So I had to buy some new shoes.

You can't be miserable at your wedding because of the "sunken cost" of the dresses.

Enjoy your wedding!

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 16:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Wow very mature 🙄

OP posts:
CarburyChocolateRules · 17/06/2022 16:41

I really hope thats a sarcastic remark because you sound awful!

@WhoAre

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 16:43

CarburyChocolateRules · 17/06/2022 16:40

The dress only goes to a 16 and she was a size 22 ?!?
Do you know how many stones that is to lose?

If she was size 18, then go, but this is crazy!

You should of just said, no, we wont get them, lets hope your other bridesmaids dont put on / lose weight, get pregnant etc

This was a year ago, so nearly two years to the wedding.

I tried to take the pressure off and tell her she didn't need to to do it, but she was completely insistent. Was I meant to just say "I don't think you can lose the weight"?

OP posts:
Ladybug9 · 17/06/2022 16:44

Op YANBU, at all! I think people are projecting their own issues on you a bit here. If it's a high street sort of store is there a chance you could find one in a larger size on Ali Express or something similar? A friend of mine buys identical Zara outfits on there as she is plus size and doesn't find the stuff in store. Bit of a long shot but sometimes suppliers do bigger versions on these kinds of websites... sometimes cheaper too! I hope it resolves for you. Its difficult but you're clearly very conscious of her feelings and it's that awkward time now that you can't really ignore it any further. Are all of the other women still happy in the dress? A lot can change in that time. If you do decide to send the lot of them back or sell them on and replace perhaps it might be worth any other friends ( particularly if they know the situation ) also adding in that they are no longer suited to the dress option. Takes a lot of shame off of your friend. Best of luck on your big day!

bellabasset · 17/06/2022 16:45

@scj96 Your friend is well aware she encouraged you to buy dresses and hers didn't fit. But it's done now and I'd pluck up the courage to have the conversation about the dress with her.

I'd see if I could find a dressmaker first and take the 3 dresses to show her and ask advice as to what she could make with the material in the largest dress, I don't know the design but do know how to cut and fit a pattern. I'd then talk to my friend about having the dress remade to fit her. It'd take the pressure off both of you and I think if she has a dress that's slightly different but fits properly as MOH that's a positive result. You don't need the hassle nearer the wedding.

NoToLandfill · 17/06/2022 16:47

Buy another dress. Get a dressmaker to put panels into the original dress so it fits her. Solved

VonTrippTrapp · 17/06/2022 16:49

scj96 · 17/06/2022 16:43

This was a year ago, so nearly two years to the wedding.

I tried to take the pressure off and tell her she didn't need to to do it, but she was completely insistent. Was I meant to just say "I don't think you can lose the weight"?

Show quote history

To be clear and I can see how you were in an impossible situation because she insisted she'd slim into the dress, BUT, you maybe could have said "you shouldn't have to drastically change your body just for a dress for my wedding". I do wonder if your concern about her and desire for her to lose weight in general maybe clouded your judgement too? Like, "maybe this will finally give her the incentive to lose weight, hurray".

It's so complicated. I don't think you've done anything wrong here. And as a former ED sufferer, who has been everything from borderling obese to borderline underweight, I still think she was the one in the wrong for insisting you buy the dresses, but equally, I can see why people have said she will have felt pressure by being out shopping with all slim girls who fell in love with a dress she was three sizes too big for the maximum size in. That must have sucked for her. But that isn't your fault. Society is hard on big women. Not anything you can do about that is there? And I'm no skinny mini myself ATM!

Whoatealltheminieggs · 17/06/2022 16:49

The wedding is 9 months away she probably thinks she’s got time. This is not worth getting annoyed about. If push comes to shove you can put her in a different dress or have it altered and she’ll likely pay for that herself. Not worth losing a friendship over at all. You’re way overthinking it

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 16:54

VonTrippTrapp · 17/06/2022 16:49

To be clear and I can see how you were in an impossible situation because she insisted she'd slim into the dress, BUT, you maybe could have said "you shouldn't have to drastically change your body just for a dress for my wedding". I do wonder if your concern about her and desire for her to lose weight in general maybe clouded your judgement too? Like, "maybe this will finally give her the incentive to lose weight, hurray".

It's so complicated. I don't think you've done anything wrong here. And as a former ED sufferer, who has been everything from borderling obese to borderline underweight, I still think she was the one in the wrong for insisting you buy the dresses, but equally, I can see why people have said she will have felt pressure by being out shopping with all slim girls who fell in love with a dress she was three sizes too big for the maximum size in. That must have sucked for her. But that isn't your fault. Society is hard on big women. Not anything you can do about that is there? And I'm no skinny mini myself ATM!

Show quote history

Yeah if I'm completely honest that probably was in my mind as I do worry. I think that's partly why she wanted to do it herself, as an incentive to lose the weight. At the same time, I didn't want to stand there and tell her I didn't think she could do it.

OP posts:
dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 16:58

OP you'd have got different responses if your thread title was better worded. It probably got people's backs up before they read on, and had already made up their minds you wanted a thin bridesmaid, when in fact that wasn't the case.

123ROLO · 17/06/2022 16:59

I think you've both just landed in an awkward vulnerable situation, no one's necessarily done any wrong or unreasonable just not thought things through.

It's easy to be ambitious about weight loss, especially so far in advance. I imagine she now regrets saying she could lose the weight, just as you regret buying the dresses so early. But that's hindsight!

And I agree, in that situation if she said she was going to lose weight and you went "no you wont" you would look like a dick

I'd probably just try to make it seem like a non issue as she might be feeling embarrassed. Perhaps just something like
"Hey, just thinking about the bridesmaids dresses, I appreciate we probably got them a bit prematurely, let me know if there's any issues with them and we can get it fixed or get new ones sorted if needs be".

Dixiechickonhols · 17/06/2022 17:02

She’s your friend so I’d talk to her face to face. Suggest you go shopping for a new outfit for her. It won’t look odd as MOH. If she insists she’ll lose weight say I’d rather you had something you like rather than pressure and stressing. I’d also check she still wants to be moh - if the others are small sizes she might not be comfortable but doesn’t want yo let you down.

Saracenia · 17/06/2022 17:03

I’m sure your friend meant to try and lose the weight but you’ve both been unrealistic in thinking she would achieve that. It’s ALWAYS a bad idea to buy a dress that is too small, never mind 3 dress sizes, because losing weight is hard and there are a lot of reasons why someone overeats. Never mind that we have been in a pandemic and a lot of people I know have put on weight due to stress and lockdowns.

Just buy her a new dress.

Nellle · 17/06/2022 17:03

I don't get why you took your friends to a shop that you knew only went up to a size 16 when your closest friend was a 22, but it's done now...

I imagine the fantasy of weight loss and the pressure of everyone else loving the dresses was a potent cocktail for your best friend and she made a promise she couldn't keep.

The important thing now is to not pile on your friend's feelings of failure (she'll already feel a failure about it, trust me). More important than the money, more important than the choice of dress.

Tell your friend you want to get her a new dress because she's MOH and you want to distinguish her from the other bridesmaids. If your friendship is more important to you than this wedding and £190, go shopping just with her and frame this differently.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 17/06/2022 17:04

She could still lose the weight if she put her mind to it. I'd probably just leave it until nearer the time then if you have to sell the dress and buy her something different as moh

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2022 17:05

If she's your Maid of honour why can't you just speak to her? She's your best friend.

Just ask her what she wants to do.

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 17:08

Nellle · 17/06/2022 17:03

I don't get why you took your friends to a shop that you knew only went up to a size 16 when your closest friend was a 22, but it's done now...

I imagine the fantasy of weight loss and the pressure of everyone else loving the dresses was a potent cocktail for your best friend and she made a promise she couldn't keep.

The important thing now is to not pile on your friend's feelings of failure (she'll already feel a failure about it, trust me). More important than the money, more important than the choice of dress.

Tell your friend you want to get her a new dress because she's MOH and you want to distinguish her from the other bridesmaids. If your friendship is more important to you than this wedding and £190, go shopping just with her and frame this differently.

The shop didn't just go up to size 16, they had lots of stuff that went bigger, it was just that this particular dress didn't go any bigger.

OP posts:
Milkforthemorningcake · 17/06/2022 17:09

All right, well it's done. What are you going to do now?

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 17:10

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2022 17:05

If she's your Maid of honour why can't you just speak to her? She's your best friend.

Just ask her what she wants to do.

Yes but that doesn't mean it's not still an awkward issue!

OP posts:
ddl1 · 17/06/2022 17:11

YABU to expect that anyone lose weight for your wedding, sorry. Friends should be valued for their contribution to your life, not for how they'll look in the photos. Your friend was also U to promise to lose weight; this is not a thing that one can generally promise, and in this case may have put you to unnecessary expense. But I think you should not have bought the dress at this stage.