To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

I really don't think she would. She's such an outgoing character and always the life and soul in a room. I'd never considered anyone else to be MOH and I couldn't imagine anyone else. I think she'd be devastated if she wasn't.

I'm pretty large and I must say that going to choose a matching dress with thin women would be one of my worst nightmares. I might promise to lose the weight over 2 years just to make it all go away in the moment. I mean I think I wouldn't be so stupid but couldn't say for sure. After all, the thing fat people have in common is the ability to disconnect what they do in the moment (eat the crisps) with future consequences (arse remains fat). What I think you're missing is the emotional baggage that goes with all that. She will be in denial or feeling absolutely 100% shit about it or both. It is rarely rational.

It's not your fault though. While I think the PP who says it is her responsibility and you should forget about it is sort of right, that's also not the practical solution. While maybe you shouldn't have bought the dresses, you did and there's no point banging on about it. She should definitely have been more honest/assertive but I can see why she wasn't. Throw her a line and use the example above about her not being miserable in the run up and let her choose something that tones with the dresses and is likely to suit her better anyway. That way you can enjoy your friendship without even having to think about the size of her arse, which it has now become somehow open season for you to observe and comment on. That's her fault of course but you can make this stop.

yanbu but I probably would have realised this was a precarious position - if she gains and loses it's not likely it will be easy for her to drop the weight, even if she probably thought in her head 'oh great, this will be the motivation I need' - and said something like "don't be silly, we'll get something that fits and is comfortable, I don't want you to have to change yourself for a dress."

Realise it would be v expensive to get a professional to make a replica in a larger size so is it a simple-ish pattern and are either of you competent with a sewing machine?! Can you send her one back? Is it available in a larger size from another outlet?

Sorry for all the questions btw. I've been her, kind of. Not with dresses/weddings but with saying that I'll definitely definitely do something to please someone I love and respect, but then realising I haven't got the faintest clue how and ending up going the opposite way. It's not intentional sabotage, it just happens. Haven't hit a remedy for it myself yet but I'm pretty sure she's not doing it to cost you money/make your pictures look crap.

100%

I don’t think you’re being a cow at all. I’m overweight and if I’d promised to lose weight to fit in a dress for a wedding (and I chose the dress) then at the very least I’d keep you informed of my dismal failure to lose anything and discuss options.

She could actually lose a bit of weight over 9 months - maybe not the amount you want but she could drop at least 2-3 dress sizes maybe more. It's sticking to a plan that's the answer and no quick fixes.

She has to want to stick to it.

My size 18 half sister dropped to a 10 over a few months (think 6?) but then she was early 20s and just did a diet and gym and was quite ruthless about it. Someone else I know who's a size 18 did similar (down to size 8) but this was over lockdowns, so about 18 months/2 years total. Combo of workouts and healthy eating.

It's true; I've seen this tactic backfire so many times. Rarely does it work!

But tbh, I'd just chalk it up to experience and not do the same at your second/next wedding 😂 (joking - obviously I hope you don't get divorced or anything).

There is no need to be on here defending yourself either! You've honestly done nothing wrong...

and also...there is no need to go on about your concern for her health on here either. Separate thread if you must, but honestly, this rhetoric isn't making you or anyone else spouting it, look especially good tbh. They're two separate issues. If you're concerned about her health, that's one thing, but if you're concerned about your wallet and the dress going to waste that's another issue. If the two issues get enmeshed your concern sounds a bit disingenuous.

Just get on with enjoying your lovely wedding. Don't sweat it about her dress. It will all be lovely. I've never gone to a wedding and thought "oh fucking hell, what a DISASTER! They weren't in matching dresses AND that MoH clearly has a weight problem - their marriage is DOOOOOOOOMED now 😫" 😂

Do you physically have the dresses? I'm not sure whether they were off-the-peg or made to order. At that price, they may be made to order, in which case you may be within the timescale that the shop hasn't actually ordered them from the designer yet, so could potentially swap things around.
So I'd contact the shop and check whether it's still possible to change the order. If it is, then you could suggest a final look at the dresses to ensure everyone is happy, "just in case the shop has anything new" etc. And take it from there.

Well it nearly always is a choice to stay overweight not that it should be held against anyone.

I think you just need a really sensitive chat with her about the options. Maybe just try and guide the conversation gently to "I've been thinking about the bridesmaids dresses and wonder if we need to have a think about the options". Then see what she says.

Make everything that you've said on here clear. You don't care if they are all the same, you just want her there.

The pressure to lose weight is probably weighing heavily on her and while she might appear to be burying her head in the sand, she knows!

Try and take all the emotion out of it. It's just a piece of fabric at the end of the day. Not worth anyone's stress and tears.

I can see why you are a bit annoyed but equally, she probably made the claim believing it to be true. Maybe set a deadline of say three or four months before the wedding to make the final decision if she'd still like to try and have an incentive to lose a smaller amount of weight (and you quietly research other options that are a bit forgiving in design).

It doesn't matter at all. This is very silly getting so get up about bridesmaids looking identical for a wedding. It's only a notion that everything has to be matching.

So many issues are involved in losing weight. You can't honestly expect that she'll be able to do it. Some people find weight and eating related matters very difficult.

She could wear an off-white dress with sash and bag made from the same material as the other dresses. I don't know what you'd do with the surplus, too-small dress, but maybe give it to a relative who is going to get married - who might be less into matching everything and might be able to dy

Thank you!!

I actually had a conversation with my fiance about it a couple of days ago. He dropped us/picked us up from the airport. When I mentioned this to him said he outright said he was surprised at how much weight MOH had put on, having not seen her for a while, and said if it was one of his friends he'd probably be talking to them about it from a health angle.

I can't imagine doing that, which I'm sure most people would agree with, but I'm some people might consider me a bad friend for not talking to her about an issue like that!

@scj96 i'm a bit anxious (as a working seamstress) about some of the advice you're being given to find a dressmaker 3 months before the wedding.

Can I just say....noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! Please don't leave it that late. See someone now, as soon as you can, so you get a proper appraisal of the dress and what, if anything, is possible. You may be able to compromise on a "frankendress" where a chunk is added centre back and under both arms, but it might not be possible. If your dresses are beaded or lace....

9 months before the wedding, it's highly unlikely your moh will be able to lose enough weight (and change shape - she's no control whatsoever as to where the weight will come off) to fit a size 16 dress if she's a 22 - 24 now.

You both need to know NOW if a seamstress can alter it and book the work in for later in the year. This isn't a hem being taken up 2 inches, it's a major reconstruction. Where's the extra fabric coming from? And you need to brace yourself for the quote too. I'd be surprised if it wasn't at least the cost of the dress again.

Yes, we have them in hand unfortunately. They were off the peg, but I doubt the shop would take them back after this long.

Goodness, OP, I don’t think you have done anything wrong, and you seem like a really nice, sensitive friend to me. Your friend insisted that you buy the dresses - what could you do?

Using the fabric is a good shout, a sash or bolero would work.

That's really useful information, thanks. I did think it was likely to be a big/expensive job, if possible at all.

I'd never have thought I'd say this until I put on weight (not huge but not that slim anymore).

It really isn't a choice, rather it's tied in with extra life duties (one friend had caring for her elderly sick mother as well as working a demanding job and then a psycho DP, another friend had a toxic workplace with bullying and feels inferior to others in looks) and also a mindset towards eating. You really do need to look at patterns as to why you put on weight. I overeat due to boredom, unhappiness, because I can, because a tube of Pringles suddenly seems like my best friend (etc). I mean consciously you eat and therefore make choices but subconsciously especially if in front of TV/tablet it's so easy to just eat.

In fact, the people I know recently who lost weight for good - it was mostly short sharp shocks re health, diabetes for both.

You’re coming across a bit too harsh. As she said her friend insisted she buy it so to try to blame her is wrong. The friend also has some responsibility for offering to lose weight when she wasn’t asked to and insisting she buy the dresses.

And you were happy with your fiancé's comments. You both sound as bad as each other. I assume you don't have issues with your weight and have no idea what it may be like for her on a day to day basis. I hope she sees this thread and recognises her "friend" in it.

It sounds like she's pleased and excited to be your MOH and has decided your Wedding is her "goal" ............ but In Real Life she is putting off making the first steps and time is marching on.
OK she could use these 9 months and make a huge effort , but it sounds like she made the dress her 'Prize' and YOU are the one financing her dreams .
Either she thinks she's got loads of time or she doesn;t want to set herself up to fail (again) . Or she's thinking "Well I cannot lose it , what's the point in trying?"

How many times do people plan to lose weight for a holiday or Christmas or a Big Birthday or wedding . But never do .
I wish I'd tried harder before my holiday , I was a bit shocked when I really saw myself , must've been in denial .
But I'm making progress now on the menopausal middle .

I also don't think its a "choice" that she's overweight. She was a size 12 in our teens, put on quite a lot in uni and then slimmed back down to a 14, but has then has just put on weight steadily for the last few years. I know how hard it must be for her.

Sometimes these things come across poorly when we're angry or frustrated.

I get it, you were encouraged to buy the dress and it's looking like the dress won't work. Everyone would find that frustrating BUT, as a big woman myself, I do feel for her.

It sounds like she had all of the good intentions but good intentions don't change bad habits. Most obese people, especially those who've yo-yo'd have literally got a problem with food. It's usually an emotional crutch, the same as fags or booze for others.

Maybe bring it up with her in terms of you don't want her to worry about it or starve herself to fit the dress in 9 months and see what she says?

FFS where do you even get that from!! Why would I be happy? I do think he's right from a health angle because it isn't healthy being in the region of 20 stone, but as i've already said, I don't think it's my place to say that to her. My point was that some people equally would say that it's my duty as a best friend to raise it because I care about her. I honestly don't get how some of you manage to twist everything that gets said