To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Can you search for a similar styled dress in a different colour that still compliments your wedding? MOHs often where a different coloured dress

I feel for you. People on here are being quite shitty towards you. All the suggestions that you take the blame, pay for alterations or spend another £200 on a second dress for your friend. It’s not fair. She’s the one that has messed up here. If there’s need to buy another dress SHE ought to be buying it. And I’m saying this as a fat person struggling to lose weight. I understand how difficult it is, I understand her heart was in it when she said she’d lose weight, but she’s put her friend out of pocket because of it. I’d be mortified personally, in her shoes.

I think, if she’s a good friend you need to sit down and have a proper chat about what to do. She COULD lose quite a lot of weight in nine months, but four dress sizes is going to take some serious work.

FFS when did I expect her to lose weight? I told her more than once that she didn't have to! And I've said absolutely nothing about how she will look in the pictures - she is an absolutely gorgeous girl and will look lovely.

Oh OP I feel sorry for both of you. She must be mortified and you must be stressed to the hilt. I'd be inclined to buy her a new dress under the guise that you'd prefer her as MOH to have a different dress to the others. I'm sure she will be relieved. I'm sure she's dreading the subject coming up. Do let us know what the outcome is x

That's probably what we'll end up doing. Honestly, I did want them all matching, but I know that's unlikely to happen with these dresses and not sure we can afford the expense of three brand new ones, so it's about what can work best now.

Nothing else taken from my advice? Do you care how your best friend feels at your wedding and during the build up?

🙄of course I care. I was correcting your wrong assumption where you tried to make out i took her to a shop where nothing would fit her.

I'm fully aware we'll probably have to get a new dress.

Yes, it's going to be awkward but it has to be done and the sooner the better.

I'm in the US so UK dress sizes are a bit of a mystery to me. But if she's needing to lose 4 dress sizes (and depending on the style of the dress that could equal a LOT of weight to lose) IMO 9 months just won't be enough time to do it in a healthy way.

And that's how I'd approach her. That she means so much to you that you don't want her to compromise her health by 'crash dieting' just to fit in a dress.

I also agree with the seamstress upthread that there is no way to 'alter' a dress up 4 sizes without totally compromising the look and style of the dress. I would question any seamstress who says it's possible. You'd have to take the dress entirely apart and 'rebuild' it from scratch trying to patch in pieces.

As for what you do with the 'old dress'? If it can't be returned, sell it.

When you look back on this in ten years you will be appalled at yourself if you say another word about your friend's weight loss. Everyone gets a bit bridezilla, but seriously, find another dress and forget it. The friendship is worth more than the dress she wears on one particular day.

I came on expecting to join in with the hammering but I don't think you're being unreasonable to be annoyed by it. She said she'd lose weight to fit in the dress even though you didn't ask her. You took her at her word and paid for the dresses.

No point beating her or yourself up about it. What's done is done. For what it's worth, I've been a bridesmaid twice and on both occasions we all had dresses in the same colour and materials but different styles. It worked really well as we all got a dress that was flattering. As she's the maid of honour it wouldn't be weird for her to have a different dress to the others.

Unreasonable, she is your friend and you have to accept her as she is as you do not know what her issues are concerning her weight. If you had a problem with weight why ask her then, would not bother me at all. People come in all shapes and sizes and just get on with the day and am sure she will look lovely regardless as lots of lovely dresses for all sizes available.

You just should have been a bit more sensible and not bought anything for anyone so early. Anything can happen. A good friend had two bridesmaids, one of whom was 4 months pregnant and the other 6 months, by the time the day came round!

If you had read the full thread then you might have stopped yourself from looking like a c**t of the highest order with this stupid post.

I can see how this happened, OP. I also think that you don't and haven't struggled with maintaining a sensible weight so you wouldn't be aware of the very real turmoil that excess weight can cause.

You were trying to let your friend know that she didn't have to lose weight; you were so delicate about it that your friend upped the ante by saying that she could and would. From that point, she effectively painted herself into a corner.

This must be eating her up every day and it can't be doing much for your friendship. I really liked what PP (sorry, didn't register who?) said about making your friend's role as MOH stand out by wearing a different dress, that you'd go and buy one together, just you two. That is a graceful way out of this.

I'd really recommend that as the way forward. Tell you friend that this is what you want, that you do not want her stressing any more about her weight/your wedding/that non-fitting dress - and that you want the two of you to choose a perfect dress together, that fits now.

There are some really awful posts on this thread and you should ignore them. don't rise to the bait.

Totally understandable, but a dress she can't get into will probably just be really hurtful now and lead to self loathing etc. I genuinely believe that you need to come from a place of nurture towards yourself and others if you want to / want them to get healthier. No, you shouldn't have to baby or pander to anyone and it isn't your problem she is very overweight....but you've kind of made it you problem by getting very worried about her and having a strong (understandable) opinion that you want her to be slimmer to the point where you've said you did go with the smaller dress because you hoped it might kick start her weight loss.

So, with that in mind, I totally get why you feel this way, but i think you (and she, because her goal was the same - for her to lose weight due to this dress incentive) went about it the wrong way a bit IMHO.

I absolutely accept her as she is, as you'd see if you read the thread! I didn't suggest or tell her that she needed to lose weight, and I don't care what size she is at my wedding!

Another friendship in the queue of destruction thanks to the pressure of having to have the perfect wedding.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say that some posters are extremely hard of reading...

I'm sorry people are calling you terrible names on this thread, OP.

I think people are projecting quite a lot onto you here. I'm sure you will navigate this situation and get through it with your best mate. Congratulations on your wedding.

I get where you're coming from but I do just want to say that it wasn't a main consideration at all. I was clear with her that she didn't need to do it, but when she was so adamant about it, there probably was part of me that thought "this could be good for her too"

Another poster who clearly can't/can't be bothered to read.

Thank you hun, I appreciate that

Do you actually have the dresses or are they just ordered?

Can you contact the shop and see if they'll allow you to change your order to a different dress?

There are some staggeringly stupid people on this thread, who clearly can't read.

YANBU OP - I'd go with either looking for a seamstress to help, or ask MOH to choose a different dress.

That being said, she's got 9 months to shift the weight if she so chooses, so now is a good time to bring it up with her.

You clearly love her and I'm sure you know her well enough to approach it the way you see best.

Good luck.