To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Why should she though

Sorry posted too soon. In that situation I can see why she felt under pressure to make a promise she couldn't keep.

@scj96 your only mistake was accepting your friends assurance that they would lose weight. Sounds to me like you've been as discreet and thoughtful as you could be.

Id agree that the only way forward now is to find something else and put it all behind you.

And ignore some of the nastiness on here.

If I were your MOH, I’d acknowledge that the dress doesn’t fit me and offer to buy a new one.

Of she doesn’t do that, you’re going to have to tackle it head on as a PP suggested-which might be awkward, but better than your MOH not having anything to wear on the day.

It is what it is, I personally don’t think anyone is being unkind-she thought she could lose the weight and she hasn’t been able to so all you can do is sort the situation out now.

You're right I probably should have foreseen it as her weight has been creeping up for a few years now, but she has lost weight in the past (after uni), and I didn't want to make her feel shit by saying "I don't think you can do it"

Tricky one. I presume you've bought the dress then? Really she should pay for it or at least pay for the new one she's going to need?

I'm bigger but I would never promise to lose weight - or if I had, id be very conscious I hadn't done it and I'd be all over the bride apologising and offering to pay her back and sort out my own dress.

You really sound like you're looking down on her, OP.

Your wedding is just another wedding. It's really not that important to anyone else but you. If she doesn't fit the dress tell her she'll have to buy a new one. It's really not uncommon for MOH's to wear a different dress to bridesmaids.

I kinda hope she sees this thread & tells you to stick her MOH duties, in honesty.

All this 'it's quite clear after our weekend away that's she's bigger than ever!' shit is demeaning & not how friends talk about each other at all.

Have any of the posters replying stating the OP is being unreasonable actually ready the OP’s post and updates?

OP you are not being unreasonable I would be pretty annoyed if this happened to me. She insisted you buy the dresses even though they were already 3 sizes to small and then she initiated contact asking if you had bought them. I would broach this with her asap as she either needs to lose weight more for her health than anything else as a size 24 is huge but also you will need time to find a seamstress or buy new dress/dresses.
although I doubt a seamstress would be able to make a size 16 dress fit a size 24.
good luck.

I think hindsight is a wonderful thing and there's a number of things that you could have done differently, but it's too late for that now. Like not going to a shop that you knew didn't have much stock for larger dresses.

She kind of put you in an awkward position too by insisting she would lose weight. How exactly is someone supposed to reply to that other than 'totally agree you can do anything'? Can hardly say I don't believe you will manage it. Best you could do is like and say you don't actually like them, but again too late for that.

I'd say try a seamstress or maybe try selling the dress and buy her a different one. She is maid of honour anyway, she should wear a different dress.

@scj96 I think some people are being a bit harsh on you.

You've said you didn't want her to lose weight and you would never ask her to. You've acknowledged your mistake of buying them really early and essentially on a whim without trying them on.

What do you want from this situation?
What does the best and worst case scenario look like for you?
It's highly unlikely she'll lose the weight before your wedding
Is it a money thing?
Would you like her to buy her own dress in a size that fits closer to the wedding if her weight is changing?

If you know the brand of the bridesmaid dress - sometimes they do plus sizes in the same material, I would check that out.

As a bride to be, I can see where you’re coming from. It is frustrating that she’s allowed you to pay for these dresses, think you’ve got them sorted out and paid for and then hasn’t made the effort to loose the weight but insisted she would.

I would probably leave it a few months but maybe ask that they all try on their dresses with shoes (at home, alone) so you can find out if anyone needs alterations and find a seamstress. Then, the decision will have to be made regarding MOH dress. It might not be possible to alter the dress at all, or alter it to the size she requires but the conversation will need to be had, although sensitively and not infront of others. Hopefully there is enough time to resolve this. Good luck.

I'm really not looking down on her, I love her to bits - but you are right, that comment was insensitive and I should have put it differently. I didn't mean it to come across as it did.

000YANBU, OP. That was a very difficult situation you were put in. Your friend was quite insistent and how could you really say, "Well, I have no faith in your actually losing the weight."?

Very awkward. And will now require another awkward conversation. I think you'll have to suggest looking for another dress for her. She will probably be relieved. When I got married, I had three bridesmaids: one was tall and very slender; another very short and very slender; and the third tall and large-sized. I asked them each to choose their own dress in the same colour and they all looked lovely, individually and as a collective. So I don't think there will be any oddness about the maid of honour having a different dress from the others.

I also can empathise with your bridesmaid, as do you, clearly. I have been that soldier in the past. I was engaged for two years before I got married, promised myself I'd lose weight and ended up even fatter on the day. The pressure sent me the other way altogether. I looked repugnant on the day - like a grotesque cancer at the centre of all this splendidry. I still can't bear to look at the pictures of myself and occasionally have horrific dreams, when I'm stressed, that my wedding is approaching and I'll have to endure the humiliating awfulness once again.

My lovely sister got married some years back and really wanted me to be her bridesmaid. Again, I had notions of losing all the weight. They remained notions. My sister could not have been more kind and accommodating but, in the end, I dropped out. I would have ruined the whole "look" of the wedding and, again, looked grotesque alongside the three other, lovely bridesmaids. I'm half wondering if your maid of honour would prefer to step down, the poor cratur. Of course, there is no diplomatic way for you to try to find that out!

I do think she should pay for any replacement dress. I would never have let a friend, or anybody, be out of pocket because of my size causing issues. Best of luck, OP. I really hope you get this sorted and that *you are both happy with the solution.

Exactly what I thought, everyone standing expressing how much they adore it but she's the one killing the dream. I'm overweight and would have said I'd lose it, I would hope to do it as well. That being said I would hate to have to wear a dress as an overweight person, I'd feel crap all day and night. Have a check in with her OP, she may want a different dress or may want to back out and better to do it now than any closer to the time and cause any dents in the friendship.

"...was v. discreet asking the shop assistant about sizes as I was aware they didn't do everything in larger sizes..."

Then why even look in that shop? Surely you were aware someone might point out a dress that wouldn't fit your bf.
If she hadn't offered to lose weight were you just going to say "we can't get that one because bf is too fat"?
She probably felt extremely self conscious and like she had no option other than to offer to lose weight.

Haven't read through all posts as there are so many. For my wedding, one if my sisters was bigger than the smallest dress, I bought an extra dress and my friends mum (who was altering them) used the extra material to make the dress bigger. May be an option for you.

I do agree with this from a personal point of view that I do worry about her health because it's not a healthy size or weight at all imo, and that is starting to show if I'm being honest.

But as i said above, it's her life and her body and I'd never tell anyone they have to lose weight.

YABU. This happened to me once, the chosen dress wasn’t available in my size but it fit the others. I probably made some comments as well about dieting to fit in to it, however in the end I had to pay to have it altered to fit (which looked rubbish) and felt like crap on the day.

After losing weight under my own steam, I am getting married myself in a few months, and let my bridesmaids pick whatever they want - I wouldn’t ever want to make anyone to feel like I did during the run up to that wedding. She’s your MOH, your friend, and losing weight is an emotive and very hard slog - it would be kinder to get another dress that fits her.

Should say biggest dress 🙈

I'm 50/50 on this one. Your friend was unreasonable for promising she'd lose the weight and then not doing so, but you were naive in believing she would. As another poster mentioned, buying clothes too small and then imagining you'll magically transform your eating and exercise habits to fit them is a well-worn tactic that never works. Put it down to experience, never buy clothing too small again and get her another dress.

Of course not!! I wasn't even thinking about getting them after that, it was after she brought it up repeatedly! I do totally get that it was an awkward situation for her but what was I meant to do?

For those saying her friend dhoikdnt have said she would lose the weight, it must be pretty awful to be dress shopping and have everyone matchy matchy and be out in the position where she has to say she’ll wear something different and stick out like a sore thumb.

I really feel for both of you.

I can imagine at the time she thought it would be the goal she needed, and I'm sure she really believed she could do it.

That might even have been why she insisted on it.

Now she's stuck, and you're stuck.

Possible outcomes, realistically, because she isn't going to lose the weight now in 9 months -

1. She wears a different dress to the others (if I was her, this would break me I think. She's already going to stand out as "the fat one", this is going to make it even worse)
2. You change all the dresses, or some of them (mixed styles increasingly common anyway), to a different dress that she can wear.

I think you've got a couple of options with how you go about it....
1)Have a chat with her about it, up front.
2)You change your mind about her dress/some/all of the dresses, have a Bridezilla moment
3)Something awful happens to one/some/all of the dresses, requiring new

2/3 she'll probably know you're lying but spares her blushes. I think you have to accept you'll end up out of pocket here to a greater or lesser extent. But I also think you probably have to accept that as your penance for making a bit of a silly decision in the first place to buy the dresses so early - if it wasn't this, you could have a pregnant bridesmaid, rapid weightloss bridesmaid, etc. I think you take the hit and save her blushes.

Good luck!

You really sound like you're looking down on her, OP.

Provide one quote where the Op is in any way looking down on her friend. She has been factual, and actually pretty lovely about her friend given that she’s currently looking down the barrel of losing £200 because of her.

This thread is full of people who are adamant that having a weight issue is an excuse to behave shittily, that having the ‘good fortune’ to be slim means you must put up and shut up with absolutely anything done to you by an overweight person, even if it’s actually really shitty and costs you money, because YOU ARE THIN AND THEREFORE NEVER THE VICTIM IN ANY WAY.

They are just generally projecting their own feelings by assuming that all slim people despise and feel superior to overweight people. They don’t. Simply stating factually that someone is overweight and getting larger, is no looking down on them. It’s fact.

The OP has been kind and sympathetic in her posts but she’s entitled to be irritated by being put in this position.

I think she shouldn't have agreed to be BM or agreed for you to get the dress in a different size.

If it were me being BM (and yes I do do emotional overeating) then I'd do anything possible (SlimFast, diet etc) to lose the weight and keep it off, as I don't like letting people down. But you don't know what's going on in her life inside her, which may make it really hard to lose weight.

I was always slightly envious of anyone who did the 'breakup diet' and lost weight after they broke up with a boyfriend but that never worked for me sadly!