To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

As she told you to go ahead and buy them, YANBU. Can she get herself a very similar one? Same colour and fabric, slightly different style? As she is Maid Of Honour, that would work, surely?

Seriously?

9 months away is quite a while, she could still lose the weight, but be planning to start closer to the time so she doesn’t put it on again before it, if it’s quite an effort to lose it in the first place.

YABU!! weight gain can be for many reasons! The fact she is your best mate means you should be A LOT more compassionate to her and what she may be going through with her weight gain. The stress and pressure to be 'perfect' these days is just despicable! Working in healthcare, I see a LOT of men and women who are covertly depressed by their weight can and 9 times out of 10 it is the media and close family and friends delivering the killer blow that torches their confidence and self esteem. Yes your wedding day is all about you, but being a best friend lasts more than just one day. From personal experience, my bestie has had all sorts of health scares and issues the last few years (she has always beeing a bigger girl than me (i'm a 8/10 she was a 12 and her cuddles are the absolute best!) And she has gained 5 dress sizes since her thyroid op which is life changing for her. My job as her best mate is to tell her and make her feel no different to when she was a size 12 and to be her gym buddy if that is what makes her feel supported. Get the dress altered and do not make her feel worse than she probably already does! If your best mate is anything like mine, your wedding day will not be half as good without her and i doubt you'd want to risk upsetting her by being so insensitive to something she might not be telling you (being the great friend she is) because she does not want to put a downer on your big event or make your big day about her. Have a heart! Offer to go on a spa day with her where you can both talk without the other bridesmaids and perhaps do a gym session together. Arrange to go together to enquire about dress alterations and be supportive not judgemental. I can imagine the skinnier bridesmaids probs making comments which is not helpful at all. Besties are not just for weddings, they are for life.

Wow. It's a wonder you have any bridesmaids at all. She is your best friend and you're being this much of a cow about her body?!

Oh dear, what a conundrum!

I have read through all the comments and I am glad I did, because I might have been saying something different at the start. OP you have admitted to wording something a little insenstively and apologised, which is something a lot of others haven't done!

It does make me laugh that so many people are saying 'you shouldn't have bought the dresses that early', well guess what, I shouldn't have married my first husband - hang on, I'll just jump in my time machine and change that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

As an overweight person (size 18), you will never lose weight unless you're in the right mindset. I have gone up and down like a yo-yo and genes play a massive part, as do emotions. It's very easy to sit one side of the fence and throw shade at the other, but no one knows what someone elses life is like, so the best thing to do is just be kind.

I lost weight for my second wedding, found it bloody hard and wouldn't offer to do so if I was MOH for someone else as I would be so scared I couldn't do it.

I am surprised that your bf hasn't spoken to you about it. If it was me, I would be telling my bf that I was worried about the dress situation as I couldn't seem to get the weight off, or, was a bit optimistic to say I would. At the moment the dress is sitting in the cupboard like a ticking time bomb for both of you.

I think there are some very sensible suggestions on here from people (as well as some nobs) and I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

I think some people posting would do well to remember that some people can eat what they want and never gain weight, some people are very careful so as to maintain their figure, some lose weight like a snake shedding it's skin and others only have to look at a kitkat and gain a stone 🤣

We are all different.

YABU!! weight gain can be for many reasons!

I can only think of one reason for gaining weight.

Voted YABU I'm afraid. You should have seen this one coming.

I’d say it’s fairly unrealistic that she’ll lose the weight for the wedding. That train of thought will only result in a last minute panic to find an alternative dress which no one needs, and an uncomfortable conversation which will likely turn into an emotional argument which will sour the day.

The motivation to lose weight needs to come from the person in question, not a dress or OP hassling her about it. If she can’t motivate herself then there’s nothing anyone can do than damage control at this point.

It might be possible to drop 3/4 dress sizes in 9 months but it takes daily dedication and I don’t see that happening. I managed to drop a similar number of dress sizes but I was motivated to do it and as soon as I said I wanted to lose the weight, I started the next day. If she hasn’t started now, it isn’t going to happen.

I think the best port of call is to leave her be until the latest possible moment where you can order and alter a new dress. If she does lose the weight by then, great. If not, there will be no confusion about it (ie her saying “I will lose the weight by then”) and you can pick a day you’re both free, find a new dress and wait for it to arrive.

Ultimately, though, the OP is not her friend’s mother. It isn’t her job to micromanage a promise someone else made. All she can do is wait and see.

My bridesmaids wore cream and peaçh dresses and my matron of honor wore a plain peach dress.

Maybe have a 'trying on' day or suggest they all individually try their dresses on in case alterations need to me made. Then ask her how she got on and if she feels comfortable in it. If not, suggest she/you together need to look for another dress that matches the colour scheme that she feels good in.

I think you were unreasonable to agree to ordering the dresses in the first place tbh, although she was also unreasonable to have committed to something she was unlikely to be able to fulfill. A true friend wouldn't put another in that situation, and would be able to be (tactfully) honest. It really ought to have been easy for you to have said let's find another dress that's suitable for everyone. The fact you weren't able to for whatever reason I think speaks to how good your friendship really is.

Fucking hell. If losing weight was as simple as not 'troughing it' as one particularly pleasant poster said, then there would be no need for this thread because the OP's friend would be well on her way to the requisite size 16. People don't just wake up one morning and decide to get fat. It's a slow process and the underlying reasons are often complex and tricky to unravel. I can't bear people who have that smug attitude where they assert that overweight people just need to take control and get on with it. I would hate to have such a narrow view and such an astonishing lack of understanding or compassion.

She’s not being a cow about her friend’s body. She’s annoyed she’s wasted £190 of her own money on a dress that isn’t going to fit her friend in a month of Sunday’s after her friend insisted that she purchase the dress.

As someone who’s been a size 6 and a size 18 post partum (now a size 12), does personal responsibility just not exist if you’re fat?

I feel like this thread would be very different if the bridesmaid was plus size and lost a lot of weight through dieting and the bridesmaid dress that had been bought was huge on her. I’d be pretty confident that everyone here would be saying for the bridesmaid to buy a new dress and not berating OP and saying “you should have saw this coming”.

I don’t know if you have said how much weight she needs to lose but 9 months is ages away still and plenty of time for her to crash diet and shed the weight. I made the same promise to my sister and knuckled down 6 months in advance of the wedding and it was fine. Am sure she knows what she’s doing.

Right?

The bride is selfish for not considering the feelings of one of her friends...she should have centred the entire dress shopping trip around her one friend's feelings....WTF?

I have a long term illness I cannot help. This sometimes means being left out of plans, because I realise I can't expect others to miss out on things because of me. I couldn't imagine expecting someone to work around my weight. The entitlement!

@RenegadeMatron what was she supposed to say...well how's about "No MOH I really don't want you to feel the need to change anything about yourself just for my wedding, thank you for your kind offer but no thanks we will find another dress/a different dress for you". What in the world would have been so hard about that? Instead the OP cared more about the dress and photos so she let her MOH go through with her ridiculous promise. It's not just one dress size it's about 3 or 4! That's a big committment. Imagine this was a woman telling a man she'll drop three dress sizes to fit into his dream wedding dress and him saying ok great You'd all be livid telling her no way he should love you as you are, why are you changing yourself for him/just for a wedding?! It's a funny old world.

I certainly wouldn't say that.

Why are you infantilising women so much?

A grown woman promised to lose weight to fit into a dress. Nobody made her. She chose to promise something and then fail to deliver on it and let OP down.

You aren't BU at all. She should have never said she will lose weight, it's not like you told her she needs to lose the weight in order to fit into a certain dress, she said she would off her own back.

I wonder at what point she will tell you the dress isn't going to fit and she needs a new one?

Well arent you just a total fucking joy ...

She did say she would buy the dress back off me for £65 if I wanted to do that, which I guess is pretty fair as they won't have matching ones with them not stocking them any more.
omg you’re make such a fucking drama about this. Sell the bastard dress online, you’ll likely get more than £65 for it if it cost £190 and buy her w new dress. Or just sell it for the £65 and buy her a new dress. This whining about “we can’t afford a new dress” is pathetic. If you’re that skint you shouldn’t be having a wedding where you’re paying for 3 people to be clothed tbh.

Sell dress, move on. Get a fucking grip.

I read the title of this and my initial reaction was you are being very unreasonable! However on reading the full post I sort of see your point.

Firstly, buying the dresses so far in advance was never going to be a good idea. Secondly going with a retailer that only caters to slimmer ladies when your maid of honour is bigger was not fair to her. If you knew your maid of hour was plus size you should have factored that in before going to the shop (sorry) She probably felt a lot of pressure to agree to the dresses if everyone else loved them and essentially she was the only one who was bigger. It’s so so hard going shopping with a group of girls skinner than u (I’m a bigger girl I’ve been there done that it’s not a nice feeling)… However she shouldn’t have agreed to buy the dress on the basis of losing weight to fit into it. U can never guarantee these things.

My advice would be have a sensitive quiet chat with her and ask her if she REALISTICALLY thinks she will be able to fit into the original dress. If she thinks she can, great. Offer help and support. Going to gym and slimming classes for moral support. (Even if u don’t need to) Etc… maybe she needs backup from a friend if she’s struggling. If she admits that she’s struggling and it’s probably not feasible that the dress will fit in time it’s not unusual for a maid of honour to have a slightly different dress. Same colour and fabric. Maybe a different neckline. I was a bridesmaid for my sister a month ago and we all had different dresses in the same colour it looked really lovely. And each dress suited our different personalities. Babaroni we used. Although JJ’s house is also a good option.

As technically she insisted on buying the original dress too small maybe she could contribute to a 2nd dress.

You can’t help your illness though, there’s a difference!

Promising to lose weight when someone else buys you clothes is bad form, gaining even more weight is even worse. OP shouldn’t have to spend a couple of hundred quid because her friend can’t shut her trap of an evening. If I were the MoH I’d be mortified and paying OP back for the dress, let alone all these fat sympathisers suggesting OP should have to pay for MoH’s obesity problem. Always someone else’s fault with the fats.

As someone who has a weight problem and go through phases of success of you were my friend I would honestly appreciate the conversation. I do feel that some people find having something to aim for can be motivating but for me it’s like a pressure with thoughts of I’ve screwed it now so then I eat more coz I feel rubbish. This may be happening for your friend.

I would sit her down and say I have something I want to talk to you about, it’s not an easy conversation but one I feel we need to have. She may get upset but I honestly think the fact u care and have bothered to discuss it will count for her. I would be going down one of two routes here.
1- I understand that losing weight is difficult and I know you love the dress but I don’t want u to feel pressured to change and at this stage possibly in an unhealthy way. I think we should look at a- a special MOH dress for u or b- if alteration is a possibility.
2- I love u as u are but if this is something u still want we will do this together. I’m here for u to listen, help and support. Set up a weekly night for a walk and chat about how her week has been. Support her by attending her first few classes until she feels comfortable. She may feel embarrassed to go. With this ongoing still find another dress or alteration because it would be hard to get down that far. If she has a fall back it reduces the pressure on her and that may help her.

This needs dealt with and in a sensitive way were she knows u care about her not feeling pressure or stress and that it’s not about the wedding. I think from ur posts this is exactly it so carefully think of what words will work for u. Sometimes as a friend we need to do hard things but she will appreciate the love and support.

But that's my point!

I have an illness I can't help and I still don't expect all plans to revolve around me and my limitations. The idea that OP should have to pander to her overweight friend when shopping for bridesmaids dresses for her own special day is just ludicrous.