To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

But the friend was the one who suggested the dresses and said she would lose weight?

Clearly that was never going to happen - but you’re making out she was railroaded into it, and that definitely wasn’t the case.

What was the OP supposed to say - ‘you’re never actually going to lose the weight, so let’s choose something else’? Like that would be kind.

<rock> OP <hard place>

I would feel disappointed in myself if I were your friend and this would have led to weight gain for me as well as severe anxiety and self-loathing. I would also have felt pressure to agree to what she did.

Hindsight is great and all but you probably should have insisted on getting her a dress that fitted her then that could be altered should she have lost any weight - this would have probably led to a better outcome. It's fine that you didn't - it sounds like she was pretty insistent at the time - but 2 years is a hella long time before a wedding to be buying anything - are you sure your other bridesmaids will still fit their dresses in 9 months too? What if another friend gains weight or one gets pregnant? I do feel that It's a risk you took on all 3 of your friends by buying dresses so soon.

I understand entirely your disappointment and to a degree your frustration, but anger? no I think that's unfair to be angry or annoyed. She was clearly put in a very awkward situation - especially having pointed out said dresses herself. It's just plain not a good situation and bad vibes all around, I imagine. I would implore you to take a step back and be kind and figure out a way to take the pressure off of her - she knows by now she's not done what she said and only you have the power to take that pressure away and fix it. Don't expect her to lose weight for you (she will have wanted to have done it for herself initially I imagine but it will most likely have become about a lot of other things in the meantime). She is your presumably much-loved friend for a reason - keep hold of that. I'm sure you can work something out and both be very happy and comfortable on your big day.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I have absolutely no sympathy for overweight people. I have an under active thyroid and work hard to ensure I’m never overweight. It’s not hard to lose weight, you just have to create a calorie deficit but some people have zero self control. I would kindly ask her to step down from maid of honour duties, she will likely ruin your photos anyway.

OP, I honestly think some people are from another planet. You don't deserve half the shit you've took on here from people who clearly just want to see the worst in folk! If you didn't give a shit about your bf, why would you have her as MOH?? You very clearly think highly of her and are looking for a tactful solution to the situation. 'you should have done this/that/the other...' hindsight is amazing! You did what you thought was right in the moment!

I think a possible route is to just have a coffee with her and ask how she's feeling about the wedding in general then gently direct the conversation about the dresses. I'd think it's likely she'll mention about the fittings and that could give you an opening to tell her you want her to be comfortable on the day and are happy to look into other dress styles that will work for her and you. Naturally this will bring up the fact that the size 16 dress has already been paid for...

Disgusting how quick people are to stick their feet in when it's them who got the wrong end of the stick... Fwiw OP, you sound like a lovely, considerate friend! I hope you and your MOH have a fabulous time at your wedding.

👀

Wow a lot of posts to catch up on here!

A bit of an update...I've been back to the shop today to chat to the owner. They unfortunately don't sell the same dresses now, so no possibility of getting another one and trying to incorporate them - although she said similar to what some of the dressmakers on here have said and that it probably wouldn't work very well anyway.

She did say she would buy the dress back off me for £65 if I wanted to do that, which I guess is pretty fair as they won't have matching ones with them not stocking them any more.

No, you're fine. She's a grown woman and fully capable of making such a decision. Being a size 14+ myself, after being very small up until the age of 21, I understand all that comes with weight increase. And, having anxiety, I understand the nuances that go along with being uncomfortable or embarrassed. I, usually, tend to do more knowing that others are affected by my actions. If she knows she can't reach this goal, she should be upfront with you! At the same time, if you say that she's larger, I would talk to her and explain that you're there for her. Just as a friend wanting to know if there's a problem. She could be too anxious about being in the wedding and the attention It will bring. It could be that, or she could be like me and addicted to soda and ice cream and sweets combined with being a homebody and swearing to exercise and fast every week. Do not wait any longer.....only her dress needs to change. As has been mentioned, speak with a seamstress about altering the dress.

I saw you're going to speak to the shop... I wonder whether it might be possible to buy an identical dress in the largest size possible (a 16, I suppose!), then a seamstress could butcher it in order to add extra panels to the other dress. I'd want to consult a seamstress first before going ahead, though, as whether it is possible will depend on the fabric and pattern.

Ah... cross post, just seen your update, OP!

@RenegadeMatron If you read properly you'd see I posted my comment before all this drip feeding about how the MOH simply insisted on the OP buying these dresses.
I don't think anyone can say it 'definitely wasn't the case' in regards to the friend being pushed into the dress choice. Only the OP's friend can say how she was really feeling. There is no need to single one person out of the group, to avoid buying a dress that doesn't fit one of them. You can just decide to get another dress without having to be unkind to any one of the girls in the group. The friend didn't hold a gun to the OP's head or steal her credit card to buy these dresses behind her back, the OP made the decision to purchase them herself. And now she's owning it and unfortunately having to sort something out last minute.

Again, there and lots of other comments on this thread berating the OP for choosing to buy these dresses. Some much more aggressively than me. Maybe you should tell them all off for expressing a differing opinion to yours too.

Ok I've tried to be polite to everyone when replying, even those ones attacking me, but WTAF have I just read here??

Do not tell me what I am and am not concerned about with my friend. Maybe you'd pretend not to see something like this with your friends, but I'm pretty sure most people would even if they won't admit it. The conversation with my fiance was because I mentioned the dress situation to him, given that we are both paying for this wedding.

What is interesting is that you repeatedly say it's me who is judging, but you are the one who seems to be putting all these negative connotations about size and weight. I've said multiple times that it is her body and her life. I don't think any less of her due to her weight - she is a wonderful person and as i've already said, she's going to look gorgeous at my wedding no matter what her size is

The health stuff is pretty off topic, but it came up because I responded to someone else who raised it. I do worry about it with her, while recognising that it is her business, not mine. It is about health though, because as much as you might argue otherwise, the fact is that obesity is a major factor in poor health. It doesn't make me 'fatphobic' because I'm not willing to deny reality.

OP YANBU. But the situation is delicate.

However it may be a blessing in disguise. Having your MOH wear a dress in the same style as two much smaller bridesmaids could very much exaggerate the size difference.

Many bridal wear designers do several ranges using the same colour range. I would check out those other ranges to see if the same colour palette is still available and in larger sizes, and choose another dress with your friend from that selection. The colours and fabrics will still work together but add interest to the bridal outfits, rather than everything matching.

You could even make a feature of the special nature of the MOH role with a more ornate bouquet and/or accessories too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to be upset but if she doesn’t want to/low weight now that is her choice - but I’d expect her to buy/pay towards the dress if the other one can’t be altered.

“Wow, some big assumptions there!

I was v. discreet asking the shop assistant about sizes as I was aware they didn't do everything in larger sizes, and didn't say anything about it in front of the other girls, just to her on her own afterwards”

So ‘afterwards’ is after you’d seen them? Did you buy them all without the others trying them on then?

just get hers professionally altered, they’ll just put a panel in.

Hi, loosing weight is hard she might have said she would loose weight.
But that was a while ago, things could. Have changed, she could have split up with a partner, having problems in her job, been unhappy with her life. All theses things, can make dieting hard. If she is a comfort eater, these things will drive her to eat more not less. The holiday, will have made her probably feel worse about her body, if you all look good in bathing suits, she probably feels self conscious, which probably made her eat more, to feel better about herself.
Look at getting the dress altered, or if you are wanting to loose a few pounds, how about, you saying, you are joining a group, does she want to join you, as going to a slimming group, can be scary on your own. Or if not you, is there anyone else she is friends with, who would go with her.

YANBU.

I think a lot of the posters defending your friend are projecting, to be honest. The thread isn’t actually about telling someone to lose weight or fat-bashing, it’s about the fact your friend insisted on something, made promises, you paid money for it and now isn’t fulfilling her part of the bargain and hasn’t even had the decency to bring it up with the wedding approaching.

I understand that size is a sensitive subject but she’s an adult and completely capable of making decisions and being held accountable.

If it was me, I’d probably not say anything until 3 months to go and then get everyone to try their dresses on and get any alterations done. At this point she’ll hopefully say to you about the dress not fitting and then she can buy a dress that you both like that actually fits. You shouldn’t be paying for another dress or spending time chasing her on this until then. It’ll just be an uncomfortable conversation where she probably will still think she’ll lose the weight by then and not admit it won’t fit, and you’ll just end up stressing about it.

And for anyone that inevitably says I’m fat shaming, after I had my two kids I gained a lot of weight. My best friend got proposed to when I was very self conscious of my size. She said we’d go dress shopping at the end of the year. I lost some weight for that so I would feel better, but there was no pressure on me to do so. When we went shopping I made sure I picked a dress that fitted me at that time, knowing it’s easier to get a dress that’s too big adjusted rather than a dress that’s too small. The dress was a little loose on me on the day but not to the point of needing alterations, but I would have sorted that on my own if it was needed. Why would I add more to the bride’s plate?

She should have been a lot more sensible at the time and not promised something she was never going to follow through on. She had multiple opportunities to be honest to the OP in private before the dresses were purchased. So it should be on her to fix the situation.

Sorry OP, I've read all your posts but I still think you were unreasonable and insensitive no matter how you try to pass this off and convince yourself you aren't.

When I got married my MOH was obese. I knew this and so I asked her to pick the bridesmaids dresses giving her a colour that I liked and saying I would pay for them. This meant she got to choose something she would feel comfortable with. I didn't drag her around shops where she wouldn't fit anything!!! You KNEW she was a larger size in advance and so you could have checked with the bridal shops you went to IN ADVANCE what sizes they went up to?! If you had an ounce of empathy for your friend. Now she has put herself under a ridiculous amount of pressure to try to please you, probably made herself feel like a failure which clearly wasn't going to help if an emotional overeater.

If I were you I would be grovelling to her saying I'm really really sorry I inadvertently put you under a lot of pressure to fit my ideal dress, I realise this now and should never have agreed to it. Please can you choose a special MOH dress you really like in the same colour and I will pay for it. Don't worry about the other dress I will sell it so will recoup some of the money.

Why did she have no choice ? She wasn’t pressured into it and the OP wasn’t forcing her. It’s a bit rich to be accusing the OP of fat shaming her friend, when it was the friend who made the decision.

YANBU at all. There’s an abbreviation seen here sometimes which is RTFT - Read The Fucking Thread - when people make random comments. In the case of this thread it should be RTFOP - Read The Fucking Original Post. Some posters appear to have the comprehension levels of a gnat. They’ve leapt in to berate you for doing and saying things that you simply have not done or said.
You sound like a very good friend and I’m sure you’ll find a good solution. A different dress in a matching colour would be my choice, but I’m sure you will find the right answer. I hope you and all your bridesmaids have a happy day.

Yes, this. She's the one who made promises, not the OP.

The situation with the dresses is yours to own but I gotta say, if I was the groom, I would call this wedding off pronto simply because you are asking someone to change who they are to fit in your world. If you want your best friend to change, God only knows what hoops the groom will need to jump through for the rest of his life just to please you! Good Luck!!!

Read the OP. The MOH was the one who insisted it would be fine and insisted the OP buy the sodding dress!

I was maid of honour and a plus size 18 , my best friend took me shopping 1st before the younger thinner bridesmaids got there dresses . We all had slightly different dresses but all the same colours. I wouldn’t put pressure on her am sure your friendship is more important, you could always sell the dress on a selling site and buy a different dress for the maid of honour

The comments on here really demonstrate why there’s an obesity crisis. The lack of personal responsibility is astounding 😂